Does your fella do stuff for you?

[WTF99]

So I've been seeing someone for 3 years now. We are mature and independent...each with own home, financially independent, own friends and family with some overlap but not living in each others pockets. We see each other 4 nights a week and stay over, either at mine or his. It's easy as no dependent children and we live 10 minute drive from each other.
Generally it works well but there's an ongoing bugbear that he seems to think that I'm intent on taking advantage of him, specifically around things I need help with in the house. So...moving heavy stuff that I can't do on my own for example, or more recently some flat pack furniture I've recently bought that takes 2 to assemble. Tonight he's had a massive hissy fit about that....I'm taking advantage of him in asking for his help and no amount of ironing or cooking I might do in return will be enough to make up the balance.
I'm at a loss really. I've had lots of work done in my house this last year and have paid for it all, not expecting or asking anything from him. Hes used to living alone and being independent but ive gradually made progress in getting him to accept my input and help with things in his home.
But there's always this feeling that if I ask him for anything then I'm taking advantage....and taking the piss basically.
I just feel that this is the kind thing people help each other out with when they're in a relationship. I do have other friends I could ask to help me build a flat pack....but he'd probably be in a strop if I did.....and I'm pretty sure they'd be wondering why he wasnt helping me.
So what should I do? Just stop asking him? It all feels so petty and ridiculous. I'd help him with anything but I'm made to feel like a user when I ask for his help with anything

I just wonder who he would help with that sort of stuff? Or does he go through life refusing to help anyone and, if so, how totally unattractive. I always envy those women that have men who are helpful, even to just their neighbours.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all OP. Surely that's normal in a partnership. My DH, generally, does loads for me/us/the children. He wouldn't expect me to help with a flatpack, he'd just get on and do it. Sometimes he takes aggggges to get a job done mind you. He does loads with the kids too. X

You're not being unreasonable at all, OP. I had a boyfriend like that once, he enjoyed all the "good bits" of a relationship but anything that didn't directly benefit him was just too much. I didn't feel like he had my back at all. We weren't a team in any sense or the word.

My current boyfriend is the exact opposite. If he sees I need something doing he'll start doing it without me even having to ask. I feel like we have a real partnership.

I suppose it really comes down to what you want. I didn't like being with someone who I felt was only interested in being there for the fun stuff. I actually found it really lonely. I wanted someone who was happy to be there for me and help me out and vice versa. If you feel the same as I did, don't waste anymore time with this guy, it won't get better.

Ritascornershop,
“no one would pee on me if I was on fire”.
Serious ?

@avamiah Yes, I wouldn’t joke about a feeling like that. Why did you think I might not be serious? I’ve been very badly let down by people and learned that I need to do things by myself, especially when ill. It wasn’t very nice at first, heartbreaking really, but I’m used to it now.

"....no amount of ironing or cooking I might do in return will be enough to make up the balance."

Do you each do your own ironing and cooking?

I think it shows how he thinks of things and I would get rid. You're meant to be a team

He sure is working overtime to keep you in the box he's designated for you, isn't he? What a prick.

Tell him you've found someone strong and kind to help you with it.
I hope your not cooking and cleaning at his, he don't deserve it.

He sounds very miserly of spirit. Is he miserly in other ways?
Friends would help you with that stuff and someone you’re in a relationship with should be everything a friend is and then more. They should be your supporter and champion and want to help out.
I’d bin this one.

I would rethink this, how miserable to not be able to call on someone for help! It sounds like maybe you reached natural limit of how far this relationship can go.

He sounds like my dd when I ask her for help. For reference she is 12. I remember being similar and I’m sure she’ll grow out of it. It sounds like this guy is not for you. Very selfish.

Yuck. Couldn't be in a relationship with someone like this. End it while it is easy. The bitterness you'll feel now you realise this is in no way normal will kill your feelings for him anyway I imagine!

Problem is even if you talk to him, that's his default perspective isn't it?

how much ironing and cooking are you doing for him??...I'd knock that on the head pronto...I don't iron anything of Dh's and we've been married 30 years!

This thread is fascinating. I wouldn't dream of asking someone for help with anything and I'd find someone just seeing I needed something doing and doing it (as someone suggested) incredibly intrusive.

@TheLaundryNeedsTidying if your partner helped you with things round the house you would find that intrusive?

He sounds awful, very mean spirited.

I wouldn't dream of asking someone for help with anything even a husband or a sibling?

Stop helping him now. What a selfish git

I'd imagine a partner offering to help if they knew about it, so I wouldn't need to ask.

Sounds weird. Most guys would be happy to help move heavy shit or build flat pack. Easy, and brownie points. That stuff is up there with building fire and poking BBQ. Man Enjoy It.

What a bizarre response from him. Or wound be normal to ask anyone who you know well enough to be coming in your home for help with these things but the boyfriend who is there very regularly is the obvious first choice. I don't have any friends who would mind being asked this.

I also find it a very weird trait in a man, mostly because the men I've known LOVE helping their woman with "manly" tasks like DIY etc. I think it makes them feel useful.

Maybe he's really shit at it and it's giving him a complex feeling less of a man!

Not unreasonable at all. My DP will help me with stuff if I ask him. He's also put up curtain rails and light fittings for both my mum and my sister when they've needed help.

I'm Male.
I think his behaviour is strange. You have been together for three years. It's not a casual thing. So yeah helping each other is all part of being together in a relationship. Doesn't matter if you live together or alone.
Have a think about if your relationship lacks anything else. It might be time to have a sit down and a chat about what each of you want out of this relationship. You both might need to give and take a little. But you definitely need to have a chat. Having a hissy fit over somthing like this is out of line.
Helping and supporting each other are a big part of a long term relationship.