I just can’t face this anymore

[reserha]

I’ve been on the boards a long time but this is my first post in a while. I just needed a space to let this all out I think.

I’m so lonely. Not because of covid, I’ve been lonely for the last four years. When I turned 36 last month I just sat and sobbed about the state of my life. I have lots of friends, great colleagues, nice neighbours, nice house, enjoyable job, money. But literally none of this makes up for or fills the gap of loneliness from not having a partner.

I am once again dreading Christmas. It’s another occasion I have to sit through, reminded that I have nobody to share it with in the sense of a partner. I am not sure I have the energy to face it this year, I’ve been thinking up ways to avoid it by saying I have covid and have to isolate or similar. I just can’t do this anymore.

I have kept this sadness to myself mostly but the few times it has been mentioned over the years I’ve been told to get a lodger, that relationships aren’t all there cracked up to be, that I should enjoy being single, that I need to be happy in myself, that I need to stop looking, that I need to look harder, that I’m too picky, that I’m not picky enough so waste time with people, the list goes on and on and it’s often contradictory. The thing is I am happy but prefer being in a relationship. I don’t want my ex back but I miss so much those lovely cosy and happy nights together especially in the run up to Xmas. I miss having someone else to think about when I get home and start dinner. I feel so fucking alone.

The problem is I have dated and I have tried to find someone. I never want to meet them again, they usually do want to meet again. Then I will carry it on for a while until it becomes uncomfortable because it’s obvious I’m not interested and not developing an interest. I’ve had therapy. Nobody seems to know why this happens, it just does and basically I’ve never met the right one for me.

I don’t want a family alone. It’s not for me. I just want a relationship. That’s all. It seems so easy for most people. I’m so fucking sad. I have to watch my brother marry his partner of 10 years soon, he’s only 30. I have to celebrate so so many people’s events like buying a home, engagement, family, honeymoon, etc.

It feels too late for me now for any of this. I’m so fucking sad and fed up. I don’t get why I can’t find the right one for me. If this is it then I don’t want more of it. I don’t want travel, career success, all that bollocks. I’ve done it. I know a relationship isn’t plain sailing but i feel like I’ve missed out and still am missing out on a real love in my life. I haven’t felt love for years now. I am so sad. I don’t want to do this anymore.

*they’re not there.

I also feel too old now to even have a family. I don’t want to do it alone but how will I ever have that with someone now. I’m just so sad.

Do you know what? It's ok to feel like that.

It seems to me that you're independent and not wanting to settle for someone you don't fit with. I guess it's a numbers game to meet someone who is a good fit.

It's hard not having someone to share stuff with after work and hug. I find it's the little things that I find hard. This year has really exacerbated the feelings too because it has been easier for couples to deal with the lockdown/restrictions.

I know exactly how you feel. I am in the same boat, I am very successful in my career, great friends, couldn’t ask for a better family but the void is there in terms of the partner being missing. And people who say to get a lodger don’t understand. We’re not lonely for other people, we’re lonely for that one special person. I hear exactly what you are saying. But do not give up. You have a lot to offer! It’s never ever too late to meet your perfect partner.

Oh I'm sorry. It's hard.
I'm single too and like you have found myself yearning for the cuddles and the cosiness again that I used to have.
I don't have the solution but it's hard isn't it x

Thank you for the replies.

The poster who said about the lodger comment and people not getting it. That’s exactly it. I’m not lonely for want of people around me...I have that. But when my friend leaves and goes home to her husband, my house is silent. When my colleague puts the phone down to make dinner she’s making it for two not for one.

I feel such intense sadness and I just can’t cope with it. I’ve never let this show and it looks like things are fine, that I’m happy alone. I’m not anymore. I’ve absolutely had enough.

I don’t know if this will make you feel better or if it’s annoying. I felt exactly like you for years and years. Then I met someone and we had a kid. Our relationship is great but I don’t feel any happier - it’s not like I’ve suddenly worked it all out and a hole has been filled.

For years I fixated on a relationship as the thing that would make me happy. I think it’s the easy ‘go to’ as it’s the obvious gap for single people. But it’s bollocks really.

I don’t mean to downplay what you’re feeling at all, just to share my own perspective. Maybe you will find someone, maybe you won’t - but you can’t put off being happy until you do.

You say you have nice friends, colleagues etc so why not ask a few that you trust to set you up with someone? Or try online dating? You sound like you have other aspects of your life sorted to your liking so why not invest some real time in looking for your new partner?

Obviously COVID will make it hard to meet people socially and more naturally right now but I bet the lockdowns etc have made others realise they are in the same position as you

Oh darling your sadness seems palpable and it breaks my heart. You sound worryingly depressed and I really hope you can get some strength from mumsnet tonight.

Reality is that we are all alone really. We come into the world alone and most of us muddle through. I came on the boards tonight because I chucked my husband of 23 yes out tonight because he made me feel so utterly alone and lonely in the marriage. Passive aggressive with toxic avoidance.

I can only offer what I’m trying to tell myself.

I need to fill my own cup. It might not be the answer you want to hear but truly we need to love ourselves first and foremost.

@Ohdear2020 yes that’s maybe true. I just know I was much much happier in times when I’ve been with someone.

@FlorenceNightshade I’ve done all those things in the past and I’ve always done online dating. I sometimes feel that I’m destined to be alone and fighting against that is becoming pointless.

@Humansareidiots I’m sorry to hear that hope you are ok.

I get what you’re saying id just love some of the nice stuff, even buying a home with someone let alone marriage etc. All seems impossible

Focus on what’s good about being single, and there is plenty. Having kids and getting married narrows everything hugely - the realm of possibilities for how your life will turn out becomes tiny. Right now you can be anything, do anything. And as @Humansareidiots says, and it’s cheesy I know, being alone is so much better than being with the wrong person. And being in a truly good relationship is really rare.

What went wrong with your previous relationships if you don’t mind me asking?

There are men out there who feel the same. I have a 36-year-old son who seems only to date women who mess him around. He is at the age where he just wants to settle down, but cannot seem to find the one. He pretends it is not an issue, but I know it is.

I hope there is someone out there for both of you OP.

Firstly it is NOT too late. I have Friends who met their partners late 30’s and well into their 40’s. One had twins at 44. I myself am single and am enjoying life now at nearly fifty. I see people in very unhappy relationships and would give anything to have their freedom and peace of mind. Be good to yourself and maybe you stop focusing on trying to meet somebody it will happen.

@Ohdear2020 that’s the thing though, I want my life to be narrowed. I want to feel like I need to come home. I have had endless holidays, travelling, nice handbags and expensive clothes, a good run at my career, freedom to write, stay in the bath all day long if I wanted, decorated my home, bought nice cars, taken up new courses on a whim because I can.

I’ve done it all. I want to be with someone and build a life with them. I want it more than any of those things or opportunities listed above.

My two significant relationships ended because one wanted to move abroad (he did and lives in Oz today) and the other ended because we drifted apart. I think he may have met someone else towards the end but I’m not entirely sure. I was sad about them both ending but always moved on.

It seems like you’re in a great place to start a relationship. You sound happy with your life and your self, which is more than half the battle in finding a good relationship in my opinion.

So keep looking - why wouldn’t you find someone? I’m sure you will, and until then try and be grateful for the stuff you no longer will be able to do when you do have a family.

As pp said, 36 is not old.

Could you be depressed OP? It sounds like nothing in your life is bringing you happiness, and objectively speaking, outside of the partner issue, you sound like you have a huge amount going for you.

Has anyone else in your family experienced depression? Have you tried speaking to your GP? Would you consider medication if a GP suggested it after speaking with you?

I’m a tad younger than you and have a family and 2 children too.
However I had to relocate to another country, we live in a small flat with no chances to move any time soon, my career is destroyed as it’s been impossible to maintain it, I work part time for a tiny wage. Relationship problems too because it’s very difficult to raise 2 young kids with no help/without being privileged or shielded from money worries.
Now I’ll be honest, I don’t regret having children. They are my life. And I’ve been alone too so I know the feeling.
But please don’t disregard how lucky you are in certain aspects of life. You managed to have a nice home and a career and no money worries and it’s worth something! Try to find peace with you life. You could meet your partner tomorrow. I know because I remember being a young woman with a wonderful career and freedom and money, and meeting my future husband in circumstance I would never believe could happen.

Have you posted about this before OP? There have been very similar threads by one poster.If not , that shows you are not alone in feeling about this.. 36 is plenty of time to change your life around. Pinning your happiness on a relationship is no way to go...just look at the threads on here!

Thanks for the posts.

I don’t think I’m depressed. I don’t know. I’ve never had wonderful mental health but just sort of always carried on. I thought everyone was like that really.

I think part of the problem is I can’t actually envisage meeting someone. I can’t even imagine it. Not because of covid, in general. I’ve felt that way for the last few years.

No not posted on this before. I have read other threads that are similar. I know I’m not alone in this but it doesn’t make it any easier.

My heart goes out to you I could almost have written your post a year or so ago. I probably met around 100 men from online dating before one stuck. I know it absolutely sucks but it really is worth hanging on in there. I totally understand what you mean when you say that friends and lodgers, lovely though they may be, just don’t cut it.

@reserha going to fire out a wild longshot here but have you thought about adopting or fostering? I obviously I would advise also don't give up on the dating I hope one day you will find the right man for you but I feel like you have so much to offer a child who may need it.

For me personalIy lockdown and the fact that it’s always dark and dreary outside with none of my usual hobbies possible at the moment has made it worse. It’s just heightened the loneliness I had already felt. Maybe it’s the same for you.

Nothing to add other than I feel the same and I am a bit older than you.

With lockdown and wfh I am so lonely I feel as if I am losing my mind.

I sometimes find myself after work going out and getting a takeaway coffee and sitting on a bench with a weird sense of calm that this is all I have to do in the world whilst everyone else is with partners.

I have a professional career too.

I dont know why no one has ever loved me and I'll probably never have a family now.