I just can’t face this anymore

[reserha]

I’ve been on the boards a long time but this is my first post in a while. I just needed a space to let this all out I think.

I’m so lonely. Not because of covid, I’ve been lonely for the last four years. When I turned 36 last month I just sat and sobbed about the state of my life. I have lots of friends, great colleagues, nice neighbours, nice house, enjoyable job, money. But literally none of this makes up for or fills the gap of loneliness from not having a partner.

I am once again dreading Christmas. It’s another occasion I have to sit through, reminded that I have nobody to share it with in the sense of a partner. I am not sure I have the energy to face it this year, I’ve been thinking up ways to avoid it by saying I have covid and have to isolate or similar. I just can’t do this anymore.

I have kept this sadness to myself mostly but the few times it has been mentioned over the years I’ve been told to get a lodger, that relationships aren’t all there cracked up to be, that I should enjoy being single, that I need to be happy in myself, that I need to stop looking, that I need to look harder, that I’m too picky, that I’m not picky enough so waste time with people, the list goes on and on and it’s often contradictory. The thing is I am happy but prefer being in a relationship. I don’t want my ex back but I miss so much those lovely cosy and happy nights together especially in the run up to Xmas. I miss having someone else to think about when I get home and start dinner. I feel so fucking alone.

The problem is I have dated and I have tried to find someone. I never want to meet them again, they usually do want to meet again. Then I will carry it on for a while until it becomes uncomfortable because it’s obvious I’m not interested and not developing an interest. I’ve had therapy. Nobody seems to know why this happens, it just does and basically I’ve never met the right one for me.

I don’t want a family alone. It’s not for me. I just want a relationship. That’s all. It seems so easy for most people. I’m so fucking sad. I have to watch my brother marry his partner of 10 years soon, he’s only 30. I have to celebrate so so many people’s events like buying a home, engagement, family, honeymoon, etc.

It feels too late for me now for any of this. I’m so fucking sad and fed up. I don’t get why I can’t find the right one for me. If this is it then I don’t want more of it. I don’t want travel, career success, all that bollocks. I’ve done it. I know a relationship isn’t plain sailing but i feel like I’ve missed out and still am missing out on a real love in my life. I haven’t felt love for years now. I am so sad. I don’t want to do this anymore.

All I'm going to say is no matter how intense the loneliness gets don't lower your standards to appease it.

Have faith OP 🌈

People say some right old rubbish to single people don’t they? I was single for most of my adult life. Moved back to London at 36, met my husband a year later, got together with him a year after that and we married last year.
I am thrilled in many ways, we have just bought a house together. We will never have children, and I am not sure I’d want to at this age anyway. I am incredibly sad that this wasn’t possible in my 20s or 30s when I really wanted that and my friends were settling down. That said, I had some fantastic experiences in my 30s and got to know myself and those around me with a depth you don’t get and a connection you don’t have with others once you are in a couple and more insulated.
No one gets everything they want in my view though.
Having experienced both sides, I agree with those who say you don’t necessarily become blissfully happy when you meet someone. But I had lodgers and good friends and it’s not the same. Nor is adopting or fostering a child if you just wanted a natural child as those around you were able to have. There are no substitutes for some things.
Hold on and sit tight is all I can say. Make the most of what you do have. But it’s bloody hard and don’t let anyone fob you off with platitudes especially if they have no idea. Lots of good and encouraging words on here though from people in all situations. Take heart.

Well no real advice but I'm almost 36 too... and just wanted to add that I have many single male and female friends, so you aren't alone.
I felt like you did most of my 20s, then I met someone and had a child and the relationship is very hard now, I feel like I spend my life doing what he wants and trying to keep his family onside and we argue a lot. The grass is always greener on the other side.

I know this won't mean much to you but your life sounds very full in many ways, you have had a successful life so far of which you should be proud. As others have said it's never too late to meet someone but don't let it feel that it defines your success in life x

I've not been in your position. I met my now dh when I was 17 and have been with him for over 30 years. Not a stealth boast, just getting across I don't know what best to say to help you. Your posts shout of your sadness of not being able to share your life with someone special, and it sounds like you are a lovely person who has an amazing life. I wonder if it would be best to not focus on trying to meet someone, but to focus on doing things. It's a bit of a difficult time what with lockdowns etc but I wonder if there are any places you could go where you can help out, or do an activity with like minded people and who knows, you might meet someone through that? Maybe something for the new year. I'm sure others will be on here with much better ideas than what I've suggested.

I feel so sad I can’t sleep. This is going to be my life and I can’t face it. I hate it all so so much. I just wanted a relationship. Why have I been alone for so long. I’m so sad.

Hi I haven't posted on here for about 10 years but I can feel the pain in what you're saying. I've just read a book 'Running on Empty' by Jonice Webb, have a look it may be of interest xx

@longtompot

I've not been in your position. I met my now dh when I was 17 and have been with him for over 30 years. Not a stealth boast, just getting across I don't know what best to say to help you. Your posts shout of your sadness of not being able to share your life with someone special, and it sounds like you are a lovely person who has an amazing life. I wonder if it would be best to not focus on trying to meet someone, but to focus on doing things. It's a bit of a difficult time what with lockdowns etc but I wonder if there are any places you could go where you can help out, or do an activity with like minded people and who knows, you might meet someone through that? Maybe something for the new year. I'm sure others will be on here with much better ideas than what I've suggested.

Someone who has never been single in adulthood says not to focus on meeting someone

Thanks @foxy123 I will look it up

@Newuser991 think the poster was trying to give a different spin on things and help me look at it a different way.

I’ve been told the same by family members who have literally never been alone their entire adult life. Until you’re alone you just don’t get it I don’t think. Xx

I think it's easy to fall into seeing being with a man as the solution to all your woes. But remember they come with their own set of dreams and expectations.

The wrong relationship can be just as lonely.

I know it sounds trite but as someone who has spent a lot of time alone, try to focus on the people you feel conected to and the things that you get something from.

It might be that you don't get married or have children. There are far worse outcomes. And it might be that the connectedness and sharing of life comes in small chunks from different experiences rather than in one narrow way with a man.

If you can't come to terms with that then just have DC on your own and make your own family. Not how you wanted to do it but that's the choice you have.

[quote reserha]@Newuser991 think the poster was trying to give a different spin on things and help me look at it a different way.

I’ve been told the same by family members who have literally never been alone their entire adult life. Until you’re alone you just don’t get it I don’t think. Xx[/quote]
People don't get it.

She wasn't a legal adult when she met her partner at 17 and she is now 47.

If I met someone today and stayed with them 30 years, I'll be pushing 70

It isn't the same. Missing youth with shared experiences and unless you've been through it, people don't get the issue

Sick of waking up alone, sick of being in an empty house, sick of not knowing where to go on holiday alone, sick of not having weekends to share

It's just so miserable

OP you sound lovely and I won't patronise you with platitudes. I will say that you do sound depressed, which is no wonder as it's a crap time just now. So maybe see a GP or think about ways you can improve your MH.

Try not to fixate on having a partner as a cure for your unhappiness. It may or may not happen, and it may or may not bring you happiness. Singledom, especially in women, can be treated like a disease by social norms and expectations and it's really, really not.

However, if you do want to meet someone the only way is to date. And if you haven't already, tell your friends and family that you'd be up for them setting you up on blind dates.

OP I get it , and during this period of lockdown it feels even worse . I've been single on and off pretty much all my life . I met someone at 36 had a baby and was single again at 42 , so I kind of bucked the trend of a happy ending late in life lol .
I'm 45 now and it's only this past year where I have really felt the loneliness of not having a partner - I love my 6 year old to death but it's really hard when we cant go out and about and mix with others . (Bubbles yes yes but we had a very busy social life before)
Theres been a culture of " I'm alright Jack " from people in families with mum dad and a couple of kids smiling away on social media which has really stung .
I never wanted to meet anyone else but now I'm thinking I dont even have that option now because everything is closed!
Its ok to feel that way and " my friend met someone at 48 and by midnight she had triplets and lived happily ever after " is another silly platitude.

OP did you have a different username recently? I was messaging someone a couple of months ago with a post literally identical to yours... ?

@AWiseWomanOnceSaidFuckThisShit

OP did you have a different username recently? I was messaging someone a couple of months ago with a post literally identical to yours... ?

What has that to do with anything?!

You think no one can have the same issues?

I could have written this thread too.

What benefit is there in asking someone if they changed their name to post again?!

@Newuser what the hell is your problem?! I am asking her because if it isn't the same person I was going to offer to message her privately as I am living a parallel life to her. Now do one and stop answering questions I didn't ask you!!

I have this. Have had a few LTRs but have always seemed to attract difficult relationships and ended up being messed about (as with @CheltenhamLady’s son). Last time I thought I would be safe with an accountant ;-) but this quickly turned sour. Now not sure I will ever meet anyone and can only imagine a future alone. So many people seem to feel like this at the moment, lockdown really highlights how lonely lots of people are.

It’s ok to feel sad

But- more of my friends had dc in their 40s than 20s.
Set to finding a relationship strategically. Your plan would be different from anyone else’s, but could look like this
•tell friends and colleagues this is the year you’re going to find a partner
•one new date a week
•unless you feel in danger give everyone a second chance.
•attend one new social event a month- political/ sport/ craft
•Facebook befriend single old flames

Review at 6 months and make changes- if one virtual dating site has been a disaster join another one

What about changing your life? What have you got to lose? Nothing. You’re sad and desperate so try a desperate change. Get a new job doing something totally different. Like, if you currently work in an office, go work in B&Q. That kind of change or study to be a vet. Do you see what I mean? Whack it out of the park. Go live somewhere random like Bristol. Somewhere there’s a big University so you’ll have lots of opportunity to meet somebody your age. For what it’s worth I wasn’t married or had kids at your age and now I have both. If I was you, I’d go live somewhere big/new and start online dating in that new town.

I’d also say to get some therapy to work through who you are and what you want. Do you reject people for silly reasons like they have dark hair and you will only date people who are blonde (for example)

Hi OP, I'm so sorry to hear how you're feeling. I am in the same boat myself & I know how painful it is. I just wanted to let you know: 36 is not too late to achieve the things you want. I know it can feel like there is some magic supply of luck that everyone else has that you don't but there is an awful lot within your control that you may be overlooking. Could moving somewhere else give you more options? Maybe taking up an interesting hobbie might galvanise you? Have you considered working on yourself physically to increase your energy & confidence? I think there's a good chance any or all of these things to increase your odd of attracting someone you click with. These are just ideas off the top of my head but it would be worth sitting down and really thinking about how you can take ownership of this issue. Similarly to me it sounds like you've got everything else covered e.g. career, lifestyle, etc. Try and apply the same drive & hard work you used to get those things sorted to this and I'm sure you will have success, you sound like a great person with a lot to offer and there is no reason you can't have it all. Take care x

I appreciate people taking the time to post, I really do.

I live fifteen minutes from Birmingham centre. I have a job I like and don’t fancy changing having spent so long training for it.

I struggle to see how being so close to a huge city means moving to another one would change things. Would it? Should I up sticks and move to Manchester or Nottingham?

It feels like everyone else meets people and that’s that. I have had enough of it all. I’ve online dated a lot.

When I was in your shoes, I quit my job, sold my house and moved 200 miles from Kent to a market town in the middle of 3 universities. An area with lots of funky companies attracting lots of single under 40s. That change meant I made new friends, met different people and that’s how I ended up meeting my husband. I just think of where you are right now isn’t working, change it. Try Brighton. Bath. Oxford. Cambridge, Exeter. Somewhere that attracts singles under 40. Maybe Birmingham just isn’t the right place. Listen to your gut. At your age it shouldn’t be like this. You’re not happy, your life is crap, change it. What’s the saying? If you don’t like where you’re at, move. You’re not a tree.

If you moved to the southern coast there are groups of people meeting every day to swim in the ocean. What I’m saying is, you’d have access to different people and different ways of life that you haven’t got where you are now. Do you love where you live? Does waking up in the morning and looking out of your window make your heart sing?

and everyone else doesn’t meet people. Saying that is just defeatist and over the top. You know that’s not true. My sister hasn’t met anyone. I’ve got lots of single friends who are in their 30s. I’m not sure what’s to be gained by comparing yourself to other fictional people. People meet people through work, other friends, hobbies...your likes and dislikes are different. One of my friends met her husband through doing triathlons. If you’re not into or doing triathlons then you wouldn’t meet those men. So it’s pointless comparing. It’s best you spend your time doing things you enjoy. My friend enjoyed triathlons so joined those events and clubs and that’s how it happened for her but she was a member for about a year before she met her fella.