I just can’t face this anymore

[reserha]

I’ve been on the boards a long time but this is my first post in a while. I just needed a space to let this all out I think.

I’m so lonely. Not because of covid, I’ve been lonely for the last four years. When I turned 36 last month I just sat and sobbed about the state of my life. I have lots of friends, great colleagues, nice neighbours, nice house, enjoyable job, money. But literally none of this makes up for or fills the gap of loneliness from not having a partner.

I am once again dreading Christmas. It’s another occasion I have to sit through, reminded that I have nobody to share it with in the sense of a partner. I am not sure I have the energy to face it this year, I’ve been thinking up ways to avoid it by saying I have covid and have to isolate or similar. I just can’t do this anymore.

I have kept this sadness to myself mostly but the few times it has been mentioned over the years I’ve been told to get a lodger, that relationships aren’t all there cracked up to be, that I should enjoy being single, that I need to be happy in myself, that I need to stop looking, that I need to look harder, that I’m too picky, that I’m not picky enough so waste time with people, the list goes on and on and it’s often contradictory. The thing is I am happy but prefer being in a relationship. I don’t want my ex back but I miss so much those lovely cosy and happy nights together especially in the run up to Xmas. I miss having someone else to think about when I get home and start dinner. I feel so fucking alone.

The problem is I have dated and I have tried to find someone. I never want to meet them again, they usually do want to meet again. Then I will carry it on for a while until it becomes uncomfortable because it’s obvious I’m not interested and not developing an interest. I’ve had therapy. Nobody seems to know why this happens, it just does and basically I’ve never met the right one for me.

I don’t want a family alone. It’s not for me. I just want a relationship. That’s all. It seems so easy for most people. I’m so fucking sad. I have to watch my brother marry his partner of 10 years soon, he’s only 30. I have to celebrate so so many people’s events like buying a home, engagement, family, honeymoon, etc.

It feels too late for me now for any of this. I’m so fucking sad and fed up. I don’t get why I can’t find the right one for me. If this is it then I don’t want more of it. I don’t want travel, career success, all that bollocks. I’ve done it. I know a relationship isn’t plain sailing but i feel like I’ve missed out and still am missing out on a real love in my life. I haven’t felt love for years now. I am so sad. I don’t want to do this anymore.

@Muchadoaboutlife no it doesn’t but it would feel nicer and more enjoyable if I could share it with someone.

Birmingham is a huge place with lots of scope for online dating. Are you really suggesting that oxford or Cambridge or Exeter, smaller places, are better?

I don’t know. I have friends round me here in the midlands. I have a good job. I feel like it would be silly to throw that away and start over, even more isolated, somewhere else? I really don’t know xx

I just think it’s worth thinking about. Why don’t you search for jobs in those areas and see if anything takes your fancy? You never know. Go to indeed jobs and take a look. It might change your life. Another friend of mine had the same as you. Late 30s. Good job. Had trained for years. Nice area. But she was unhappy and couldn’t meet anyone. She found a totally different job, went overseas! Met a total hunk and has never come back 🤷‍♀️ Yes you’ve got friends but you’re so unhappy you are posting on here. All I know is that every single friend I’ve had who has changed things for this reason has ended up not regretting it. All of them.

Somewhere like Cambridge has a huge scientific community and attracts young professionals. Maybe Birmingham doesn’t.

I was in your boat once op but instead of wringing my hands and moaning about it I did something radical because at the end of the day you need to do something radical if you want a radical change in your life. Sounds if your status quo has stopped you from being open minded to change. Moaning and self pity is always so much easier than being open minded, proactive and brave enough to laugh at yourself and embrace a new sparky direction.

Muchado hits the nail on the head with that post.

I was earning good money, had all the material comforts but I was missing a connection with my soul.

I gave up my comfortable life by renting out my comfortable home to move to a beautiful city to do a postgraduate course and to volunteer, take up new sports skiing, running, gliding , mountain biking, polo, running as many as I could fit in! (And where the men would be!!)

I ended up meeting fantastic new friends and having such a laugh, going out to the theatre, punting, you name it, throwing myself at every thing new because as I was in my 30s what did I have to lose?! I met fantastic men and women even in their 60s trying something different with their lives, some were doing part time postgraduate courses but by being enrolled all the fabulous opportunities that a uni gives are opened up.

Did I meet someone new and a partner for the rest of my life? Yes I did. But it wasn't the finding the partner that did it, or rather that was only part of it. The real part was opening myself up, stopping myself becoming a self obsessed bore that did it.

My partner was studying for a Doctorate after being a successful lawyer for most of his life and then wanting a seachange. We met as volunteers for the homeless which we still do.

Having rented out my apartment I still had money coming in as Iiving as a student in a shared house was cheaper and great fun.

Choose a uni that has lots of postgrads and is beautiful to maximise your chances of making up for what you are missing now. Obviously Covid has put a dampener on things for now but that should mean you have something to look forward to, if you are interested in something like this, that is.

As is famously said, be the change you want to see in your life.

Hi OP, just wanted to say I know how you feel and similar age to you.

There's almost this weird shame associated in saying you're lonely and want a partner. You can say you hate your job, or hate your place of residence, or hate your family, or feel depressed - and none of those things make society as uncomfortable as you acknowledging you hate being single.

But I think this is perfectly natural and normal and so I won't offer any platitudes. Other than there are a lot of other people in the same boat, so take comfort that it isn't something wrong with you. Dating is harder as you get older, there's more baggage and thrash to wade through which can be exhausting and demoralising. And put you off doing the only thing you should do to find someone - date.

When I found myself in your position after my divorce and then being dumped by someone I thought was the 'one', I spent a lot of time introspecting on why/what I wanted in a relationship. And accepted I wanted companionship and reliability more than a great love/passion/excitement. Yes, some lucky people find both but if I keep waiting for it, I'll be in my 40s and still not happy.

To that end, I changed my approach to dating. And recently met someone who on paper is nothing what I would want, and it wasn't a magical spark (though I do fancy him). But I enjoy his company and think we could have an easy life together into old age. And have been surprised that as we spend more easy, comfortable days together, my feelings are growing. The old me would have bailed after 2 dates thinking he wasn't sparking me and was too different. The new me appreciates the comfort he offers. And that makes me happy.

The real change isn't in what type of man I'm seeking though, it's in what makes me happy in a relationship. Some might call it settling, I call it being more in touch with your needs rather than what society says will make you happy.

I don't know what you're looking for. But it is worth considering what you prioritise in a relationship, why past ones have failed and how realistic you're being. And dating with a new focus. Treat it like job hunting, the same effort and focus, and carrying on even when you're getting knocked back. Take a break when necessary but don't give up on it.

You're not alone. Being single is tough, and there are no easy fixes. But I'm confident you can and will meet someone eventually. So don't lose faith, billions of men out there, one of them will be someone you can make a life with. Good luck you you xxx

@Newuser991

^Someone who has never been single in adulthood says not to focus on meeting someone

hmm^

Someone who takes this one thing from all I said. Hmm

From a lot of what I've read and seen on here, people seem to meet their significant other when they aren't looking. Just because I haven't been single my adult life doesn't mean I don't have compassion when someone is clearly really depressed about their life, and to try and help them.

@JurassicParkAha

This paragraph of your post is so interesting (sorry, I don't know how to bold):

There's almost this weird shame associated in saying you're lonely and want a partner. You can say you hate your job, or hate your place of residence, or hate your family, or feel depressed - and none of those things make society as uncomfortable as you acknowledging you hate being single.

I know my mum and sister felt this way. My mum divorced my dad when she was 38 and never really met anyone else. My sister met her now husband at 38. I know how lonely they felt, but never really admitted it out loud. I wonder why this shame exists?

reserha I know 2 people who are in a similar position to you and I don’t want you to take this the wrong way but they both have a certain type they pick.
Even on paper we look on wondering how they manage to get through an hour together let alone a whole night.

Similar age to you one is a serial dater. Her close friends at one point did set her up with a person who they thought would be perfect. All was going well till he did something that we all though was an honest mistake but to her meant they were clearly unsuitable.

The other is a guy who is in his 70s now and I have known for years.
He was looking for someone who he could start his life with but they had to tick a few boxes.
I have known him from when he was in his late 20s and even at that age I thought some of his criteria would be really restrictive. But as he got older the more rigid his criteria became and the more impossible it became to fulfill the criteria so he would end up with people who were not compatible, then the relationship wouldn’t go anywhere and then he would bemoan the fact he had tried to find “the one” and failed yet again.

Could you ask your close friends to look for someone they know who they can all agree would be good with you and don’t dismiss him if the spark isn’t there immediately or he makes an error in your eyes. And be open minded.

I think we all have a type. Whether it is purely down to hair colour or height, weight, or size of hands or a certain look we are attracted to. (Know a few women who have divorced then remarried and dh1 and dh2 are the image of each other)
The problem comes when what we are attracted to isn’t a good fit for a long term relationship

I think you have got yourself in a rut. You might be attracted to blue eyed blondes but if you are for instance an office worker are you only going for other blue eyed blonde office workers who are in your circle when you could get more of a spark from widening your search to other professions as an example.

Maybe look in detail at who you have gone out with and look for the common link in there personality/income level/education and try and look for someone who goes against what you have dated before. Whilst keeping what you are physically attracted to.

Hope this helps.

It hasn’t helped the 2 people we know as neither is willing to change as they can’t see they have a type in the first place

I meant to say as well to the OP that I'm sorry you're feeling this way. I'm not sure I can offer any advice, but I can appreciate how hard it would be to have this sadness. As I said above, my sister did meet her now husband at 38 and they have a 5 year old. It's really not too late. Not to sound too woo but I noticed you said you can't even imagine meeting someone at this point. Do you think this type of thinking might be closing your eyes to possibilities?

OP, I know this is not the thing you want to hear but PLEASE read this post and think about it.

If you want a family then you might just have to do it the other way around. I know you don't want to, it's not ideal but I very believe that it is much much better than the alternative for someone like yourself who desperately wants a family. And there is nothing wrong with desperately wanting a family! I would think that about 90% of the people on here would feel the same way as you in this situation.

'Going it alone' does not necessarily mean staying alone - quite the opposite. You can and probably will meet someone at some point and end up in a relationship. Having or not having children already doesn't necessarily make that more or less likely. If you were to have a baby/babies alone then at some point you are likely to end up with a step-parent partner in the mix if you chose to.

It is also worth thinking well ahead. Yes it would initially be tough and lonely in some ways during the baby stages but things move on quickly. You aren't just talking about 'having a baby' alone but of starting a family that will quickly end up being one or more people, teenage and then grown-up people who will be that family, and one day possibly have children of their own. I only appreciate now that mine are older how much and how quickly they go from being 'the babies' (and all the adult life, personality, company is still about you and your partner) into being other people in the home - with their own life and personality and dynamic. Knowing that, I could say that I would see how going it alone would be something worth doing.

You are 36. You may meet someone amazing in three years' time and it may be too late to have children. You cannot undo that. To be very blunt the best and perhaps only option for having it all would be to go it alone now while you can still have children and trust that the partnership will come later. I know at least one person who wishes she had done it alone when she could.

I know that it's so easy to say and so hard to do on a practical level - finances etc. But there are so so many women who end up as single parents within the first year of a baby's life when they hadn't planned to - it is doable.

Don't dismiss it without very serious thought that looks decades ahead at what you want out of life, not just at the first 5 years or so.

Oh and frankly in many ways 'going it alone' is a very emotionally safe way of having a child. How many people see relationships break down, and then they are tied to people they frankly would like to walk away from, because they have to raise a child with them? At 36, if you met someone now, the 'pressure' would be on to couple up your lives quickly enough to start trying for a baby asap. That's a risk - you need more than a couple of years to be sure that someone is the person you want to trust to be the father of your children.

If you went ahead alone, not only would that pressure be off, but you'd be the one in control of your child/ren and core family - your relationship life would initially be separate. It's quite a safe and positive environment for new relationships to grow - no pressure to stay together because you couldn't bear to split and lose your child every other weekend, etc.

It is worth thinking about from this perspective too.

Just to give you an example of how people get caught up in a type, that is based on a weird bias and not who their date actually is.

I have a friend who only dates much older, very big, rugby player types as she thinks they're real 'manly men'. She wants a manly man, that's fair enough but how she defines it is completely flawed. She turns down younger, smaller built men thinking they just can't be manly enough. And I have to explain, those younger, smaller built men might still be better at DIY, sport, more financially independent, more responsible, can better cope with life and protect you (all the 'manly' things she really wants), than some bloke who's just big built and older. So she dates only her type and then is bitterly disappointed that they let her down, because she bases all her hopes and dreams on just their physical attributes.

She met an ex partner of mine and wrote him off for being too quiet and not extroverted enough for me. In fact, he was extremely social and very extroverted but wanted to make a good impression on my friends so stayed a bit quieter at a first meet. She was used to loud men who were boisterous drunks and didn't give 2 shits about what her friends thought as first impression, so the concept of a man acting differently meant he was a unsocial loser. Such a skewed view of assessing men.

Men do take time to open up too, so it's worth giving them a chance before you completely write them off.

Oh OP I’ve been there and it’s really really shit. I’m sorry.

I was single from 29 when a long term relationship I’d been in since my mid-teens fell apart in a particularly hurtful and damaging way. I had great family, friends, travelled, lived abroad, read all day, stayed out all night, had amazing flings, pleased myself entirely at times and at others put my energy into volunteering, helping family members and at one point caring for my mum through terminal illness. I loved my life most of the time and wasn’t lonely in the sense that I had amazing friends and a close family, but it never really took away the ache of not having one special person and in my case it was the longing for children and a family of my own that I was so scared I’d never have.

I did meet someone at just about your age. I’d pretty much accepted that I wasn’t going to and at that point online dating was just something I was doing to fill the time or maybe get a shag out of it if they were half decent. I never really thought I’d manage to build an ongoing relationship again, just thought it wasn’t meant for me.

I was different in that I did often want to see dates again - I’m not really one for sparks, butterflies and fireworks I just thought if the first date was pleasant enough there was no reason not to give it another chance. Quite often I’d go into things thinking I really liked the guy - but always and invariably after a couple of weeks I’d think ‘oh no actually I don’t like him’ and end it. Now sometimes
that was for very good reasons but others it was less clear. I felt the exact same about my now husband and was ready to end things, but as it happened I was in therapy at the time for unrelated reasons and this came up and my therapist encouraged me to just see what happened if I pushed through and didn’t end it. She talked a lot about attachment and I think I have/had issues in that area.

Im glad I did obviously and I love my husband very much and we did go on to have a baby after fertility problems. We have a good relationship and my world is a better one for having him and my dd in it. But like a pp said - I’m not happier overall I don’t think, I’m just sad/ anxious about different things. I really miss my own space funnily enough!

It’s really easy to see it as a hole that something/ someone else will fill but it really doesn’t work like that. I know that doesn’t help to hear though.

Really so op . I feel the same but don’t have the nice friends etc I have nothing really . I really think you could still meet someone . It’s not over yet :) .

Sorry *

@reserha just to say I completely relate to this. Have great friends, a great career, but its just not the same without a partner. I thought I found 'the one' but he broke up with me unexpectedly. And its so hard at Christmas because everything seems to revolve around couples and families. Its very very lonely x

@ponia thanks. That just sums it up really. No matter how busy the days are, the most loneliness is crushing. Went for a walk earlier and it felt sad. I’m not an unhappy person but this is a deep source of sadness.

It’s not that i idealise having a relationship. It’s that I want to experience that, with any highs and lows.

Hi OP, your post has touched me, just wanted to say that first off, but will send more later. Re your walk: was that because there were families and couples around? I know it's very hard for you right now, but remember that not everyone who was there is happy/content/in love/healthy, even if they are in a relationship. MN is testament to that. Others may have seen a young woman enjoying a relaxing walk by herself (you), and felt "God, I would like that, lucky her!". I know you may not feel that that helps right now... In the short term, can you plan some treats and activities you enjoy this weekend, or maybe call and old friend or a loved one? Someone who would be delighted to hear from you and who you can be your real self with. Or watch a film that's always made you laugh, listen to music you liked to listen to as a teenager, or at Uni, you get the gist, anything that would lift your mood, however cheesy, or guilty pleasure it may be.

Sometimes I do think looking for The One can make you hyper picky. You are going on a night out and in the back of your mind you are looking at would this person make a good husband/father instead of just enjoying a night out and seeing what comes next.
Looking for the one for right now could lead you to The One for ever more.

There is a thread atm about sliding doors moments. A lot of people seem to make an innocuous choice that leads them to meeting their husband or wife. A lot of if they had not gone out that night or chosen a particular job, or moved because of work they would have never have met their One.

The OP isn't looking for The One every time she talks to or dates someone. She is looking for that tiny little spark that encourages us to just look forward to that second date, then a third, then a fourth. But it never happens. Even if the guy is perfectly lovely... sometimes for some of us that 'thing' just isn't there. Yes sometimes it grows but most of the time you just know when it's a non starter after date one and you'd be carrying something on out of pure determination and nothing else. It's not that you think you're better than them or you're too fussy. You just have to feel that sexual and spiritual thing. It's true that looks don't matter, but attraction absolutely does. And the older you get, the harder it is. A lot of people settle for anything half decent because they don't want to be alone (a lot of people will jump on that but bollocks it's true) but if you already have your shit together like the OP and you don't need to settle, it HAS to be right if you're going to bother your arse!

I cried for the very same reason last night. I'm 48, have been single for 4 1/2 years and no longer have my parents. I do however, have a 10 year old, so I'm lucky, who disappears to her Dad's on Christmas day. So by 1pm, I am by myself. I too am thoroughly fed up of having to do this every year. Pigs in blankets for one...all 12 of them! lol
This year has been truly awful too, working six days a week every other week without a social life. The dating apps too have not produced anything but arseholes!
I truly feel your pain but you're totally not alone in your thinking. I'm sending you a big hug, because some days that's what I miss most of all.

Thank you for the kind messages. I’m sorry but also comforted to hear that people feel the same

I find that it is often the fact that people don’t understand that makes it harder. I don’t expect everyone to roll the red carpet out in recognition of my misery but when people say oh you’re depressed, or you’re too picky or you need more interests....it’s hard to hear that! I don’t think those things apply, I have interests im just fed up being alone!

Why does it hit in the early hours? This morning was so bad, 3 to 6 am sitting awake thinking about it all.

OP, I think people do understand being lonely is hard. But this isn't an illness or accident you have no control over. The reality is if you're really craving a relationship so much, you could find a man to carry on with. There's a lot of decent men out there. But you will want them to meet certain criteria, and if in 36 years, no one has met that criteria and reciprocated your feelings too, the logical conclusion is to re-visit your criteria. Or if you don't want to do that, the only option is to find something else to fill the gap.

Happiness is something you can train yourself to feel (unless of course it's something clinical like depression). You can train yourself to feel happy with the type of man who does want to be with you, or you can train yourself to be happy without a relationship, until you meet him someday.

But none of those choices is easy, and so you have people's empathy. It is not easy but remember you do always have option.

I wouldn't move away if you're 15 minutes from Birmingham. As you know, it is a major city with many Universities and attracts lots of young professionals.

Also, your support network is where you live. If you move away you may end up feeling more isolated than you do now.

I know you've said you've done/do online dating? OLD is really, really tough. People who haven't done it just don't get it. I'm 49. I'm on the 'Online dating in your fifties' thread on here. We are a nice supportive bunch who often struggle with online dating . I know that thread isn't aimed at your age group but it tells it like it is. Some of the other dating threads sound like people are having dates every night and juggling multiple interested partners. It can be disheartening to read all that if your experience is very different.

Anyway, what I would say is don't give up on online dating - I have to constantly remind myself of this.

I can’t sleep. The loneliness always feels so horrendous at this hour. I honestly don’t know how I’m going to be ok. This isn’t about new hobbies or being happy in myself, it’s just crushing loneliness. I have nobody to share day to day life with and haven’t for years. I feel so scared for the future.