I just can’t face this anymore

[reserha]

I’ve been on the boards a long time but this is my first post in a while. I just needed a space to let this all out I think.

I’m so lonely. Not because of covid, I’ve been lonely for the last four years. When I turned 36 last month I just sat and sobbed about the state of my life. I have lots of friends, great colleagues, nice neighbours, nice house, enjoyable job, money. But literally none of this makes up for or fills the gap of loneliness from not having a partner.

I am once again dreading Christmas. It’s another occasion I have to sit through, reminded that I have nobody to share it with in the sense of a partner. I am not sure I have the energy to face it this year, I’ve been thinking up ways to avoid it by saying I have covid and have to isolate or similar. I just can’t do this anymore.

I have kept this sadness to myself mostly but the few times it has been mentioned over the years I’ve been told to get a lodger, that relationships aren’t all there cracked up to be, that I should enjoy being single, that I need to be happy in myself, that I need to stop looking, that I need to look harder, that I’m too picky, that I’m not picky enough so waste time with people, the list goes on and on and it’s often contradictory. The thing is I am happy but prefer being in a relationship. I don’t want my ex back but I miss so much those lovely cosy and happy nights together especially in the run up to Xmas. I miss having someone else to think about when I get home and start dinner. I feel so fucking alone.

The problem is I have dated and I have tried to find someone. I never want to meet them again, they usually do want to meet again. Then I will carry it on for a while until it becomes uncomfortable because it’s obvious I’m not interested and not developing an interest. I’ve had therapy. Nobody seems to know why this happens, it just does and basically I’ve never met the right one for me.

I don’t want a family alone. It’s not for me. I just want a relationship. That’s all. It seems so easy for most people. I’m so fucking sad. I have to watch my brother marry his partner of 10 years soon, he’s only 30. I have to celebrate so so many people’s events like buying a home, engagement, family, honeymoon, etc.

It feels too late for me now for any of this. I’m so fucking sad and fed up. I don’t get why I can’t find the right one for me. If this is it then I don’t want more of it. I don’t want travel, career success, all that bollocks. I’ve done it. I know a relationship isn’t plain sailing but i feel like I’ve missed out and still am missing out on a real love in my life. I haven’t felt love for years now. I am so sad. I don’t want to do this anymore.

I haven’t read the whole thread but do you have family living nearby? Are you speaking to a counsellor?

Dissatisfaction is the chrysalis for change op.

@YoniAndGuy

OP, I know this is not the thing you want to hear but PLEASE read this post and think about it.

If you want a family then you might just have to do it the other way around. I know you don't want to, it's not ideal but I very believe that it is much much better than the alternative for someone like yourself who desperately wants a family. And there is nothing wrong with desperately wanting a family! I would think that about 90% of the people on here would feel the same way as you in this situation.

'Going it alone' does not necessarily mean staying alone - quite the opposite. You can and probably will meet someone at some point and end up in a relationship. Having or not having children already doesn't necessarily make that more or less likely. If you were to have a baby/babies alone then at some point you are likely to end up with a step-parent partner in the mix if you chose to.

It is also worth thinking well ahead. Yes it would initially be tough and lonely in some ways during the baby stages but things move on quickly. You aren't just talking about 'having a baby' alone but of starting a family that will quickly end up being one or more people, teenage and then grown-up people who will be that family, and one day possibly have children of their own. I only appreciate now that mine are older how much and how quickly they go from being 'the babies' (and all the adult life, personality, company is still about you and your partner) into being other people in the home - with their own life and personality and dynamic. Knowing that, I could say that I would see how going it alone would be something worth doing.

You are 36. You may meet someone amazing in three years' time and it may be too late to have children. You cannot undo that. To be very blunt the best and perhaps only option for having it all would be to go it alone now while you can still have children and trust that the partnership will come later. I know at least one person who wishes she had done it alone when she could.

I know that it's so easy to say and so hard to do on a practical level - finances etc. But there are so so many women who end up as single parents within the first year of a baby's life when they hadn't planned to - it is doable.

Don't dismiss it without very serious thought that looks decades ahead at what you want out of life, not just at the first 5 years or so.

I totally agree with this post. I know you said that it wasn’t for you OP, but I think you would find a lot of what you’re looking for from being a mum. Being part of a team, having someone there to cuddle up with and a reason for doing everything, from making dinner to making Christmas exciting. This is a life choice that may be driving your relationship choices - by taking pressure off the men you meet to be THE ONE, the father of your future child etc, you can just meet someone who you enjoy spending time with.

I know this isn't what you want to hear. I'm on my own with children -ex husband is awful and gives me bucket loads of grief.
I too would absolutely love someone to be the love of my life. But there are a lot of absolutely abusive men out there and a few good ones -the odds aren't good. I'm moving so we can all be together with extended family -but I really really need a celebral partner -a man that I can talk, cuddle, romance -that is what I want. Where to find it? Haven't got a clue.
In your situation, I would do the baby thing alone. Don't wait for someone - that's my saving grace -my children.

For those saying have a child alone you might not be so lonely 🙄. That is rubbish. I have a child and it can feel just as lonely if not worse. Children don't fill loneliness. Having a child can make it even harder to meet someone so I think you are doing the right thing not to want to have children alone.

I do wish you meet someone soon and have the family life you desire .

I know a lot of single parents and yes when the children were young and it was a school night and they were in bed by 7pm they would have liked to be with someone just for the conversation about how their days went but as the children got older and they could do more the less they wanted another person around on a permanent basis.

I also know a lot of married single parents. These are the loneliest people I know.

They are by all accounts in a relationship but live their life as a single parent but without the freedom.

OP how are you? Are you still there? X

Gosh don’t have a child to fill a loneliness need like a poster up thread said. Obviously only do it if you really want to. I know it’s hard but the only way I get through this is to ride the wave out and to be thankful I’m not in an awful relationship or situation, I may be lonely but I am free. It can be lonely and very miserable in the wrong relationship. I know it’s not the same but do you have a close friend to share the day to day stuff with?

I'm so sorry you feel like that.

When I went through that, I wrote it all down. Then every morning I started to write what I'm grateful for - my eyes, my hands even things like that. It made me realise how lucky I am

OP Definitely get some help and emotional support.

But to get what you want in life, you have to give what you have.

So your time, energy, skills - give them to something that's worthwhile. A cause maybe? Don't just be a participant, be an organiser. Don't suffer fools or let yourself be a doormat, but do truly fill your life with giving what you have.

What you want will then come along.

@CheltenhamLady where does your son reside, I feel a bit of potential matchmaking coming on?!
Sorry you are feeling lonely and a bit hopeless OP. 2021 could be the year to shake things up a bit. Look at it from the perspective that you have no ties, you could literally move to another country if you like (well, sort of if this bloody vaccine works). You would look at me and think I have what you want, a partner and a family, but whilst I love them with all my heart some days I so want to just march out that door and not be responsible for anybody else but myself.

Some time ago, I felt the same as you do now. I met my current partner and settled. I knew from the start that he is not the love of my life. We’re now planning to get married and I feel that is too late to change it, I will never meet anyone and I’m also afraid to go back to the stage that you’re currently in. The reason why I’m writing it is that you current situation might look bad for you but You can easily find a partner, fill the gap and settle but that will only make the situation worse. I honestly wish I knew that before. Enjoy what you have now!

@Belle124 Don't get married, it's never too late to change your mind (I'm sure no-one would want you to marry when you know he's not the right life partner for you). Be brave, free yourself

With OLD I found that ppl's profiles didn't really reflect who they are in person. I hated writing/making mine and although I tried to be honest in order for the thing to work it probably didn't give any real indication of what kind of person I actually am.

IMO it's someone's quirks that really appeal and either clash or gel with your own. So in that way like someone said above, it's numbers. I'm not saying don't be choosy/settle...I'm saying don't be choosy until you have the actual person in front of you.

What is it that doesn't kick in for you after a few dates? Is it thinking someone is attractive but not fancying them? Lack of "bants"?