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Original poster

Do you feel you are truly an equal partner in your relationship?

89 replies

Pruners · 17/10/2007 22:57

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
moondog · 17/10/2007 22:58

I find the balance of power shifts.

NormanBatesFletcher · 17/10/2007 22:58

nah - I wear the trousers

Really

I found him young and trained him up

moondog · 17/10/2007 22:59

Are you an sahm?
I think that if this is the case then people do consider you of lower status 9even the father of your children,however lovely he may be)

expatinscotland · 17/10/2007 22:59

We're two people who are compatible and who love and respect each other.

I never was one to take much stock in 'are we equal', because to me at least a) does it really matter if you are happy b) I can hardly think of any of the best types of relationships where the folks are.

I mean, think of the relationship with your child. It's not equal, but I'll bet you wouldn't swap it for anything and it makes you very happy.

Also, think of how relationships change over time.

Think of your relationship with your friends, and how that changes, too, sometimes it's not very equal, but still worthwhile enough to you to keep it going. Or not.

Life is about give and take.

Original poster
Pruners · 17/10/2007 23:01

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
policywonk · 17/10/2007 23:05

To be honest, I'd also say that I wear the trousers (or the dirndl, or whatever). I deal with the finances, make the decisions about childcare/schooling, book holidays, choose meals, make social arrangements, move money around (when we have it), et bleedin cetera. The downside is that I feel like the admin monkey - but at least I'm in control. DP is usually happy to go with the flow. Is this the sort of thing you mean?

moondog · 17/10/2007 23:09

I often feel a bit scared of my dh. (He is a very organised driven alpha male type) but he is always amazed when i say that and insists that it is he who is scared of me.

We agree therefore to remain mutually fearful of each other.

NormanBatesFletcher · 17/10/2007 23:16

DH is a tall, (6'6) and I am tiny smaller at 5'2

but everybody thinks I am more scarey

we muddle along, and he admits that I am right most of the time

twinsetandpearls · 17/10/2007 23:22

It changes and the power balance shifts depending on what you are looking at.

I used to feel very unequal to dp, he is a nice person whereas I am quite a selfish bitch, he is very attractive whereas I am TBH quite ugly and until recently he paid all the bills. He is also my carer which also affects the power balance. For the first few years of our realtionship people were constantly telling me how lucky I was to have and that he had dragged dd and me from the gutter.

But I am cleverer, I earn more and I probably have the stronger personality so it probably balances out.

I do get the feeling sometimes though that dp is in a power struggle with me and he sometimes tries to take an alpha male role with me.

Original poster
Pruners · 17/10/2007 23:23

Message withdrawn

OP posts:
policywonk · 17/10/2007 23:29

There are definitely areas in which we slip into crappy gender roles, and it annoys the holy hell out of me (mostly scut stuff about cleaning the floor, wiping the surfaces, blah). However, I know that in the big stuff (the stuff that really matters to me, like where we live, how we bring up the kids) I tend to stand my ground and DP (if he disagrees) tends to fall into line. I'd rather have it this way around. But then, DP's job isn't particularly high status, so our family life isn't in thrall to it really.

twinsetandpearls · 17/10/2007 23:29

Dp tends to more with dd in the week as I work long hours but it is me that takes the stress of decisions for ewxample where she goes to school, if we have childcare problems which we have had it is me that has to spend hours on the phone trying to sort it out. I do find dp to be someone who just bumbles through life so I find myself having to take on lots of responsibilty that he is unaware of. I certain;y do the organising and forseeing while dp does much of the doing.

My work takes priority in some ways as I am the major breadwinner and he is not really interested in a career and my hours are far more demanding. As a teacher my job has significant impacts on our homelife whereas he goes in does his hours and comes home. If dd is ill we take it in turns to have the time off.

sprogger · 17/10/2007 23:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sazisi · 17/10/2007 23:59

Officially, we are equal partners; and definitely when it comes to big decisions we are.
But there are other areas of life where I feel he's more 'in charge', and areas where I'm more 'in charge'...He earns most of the money, so I feel like he's got more power there (although he's not 'supposed' to: I don't have to ask him or thank him for money or anything), but on the other hand I'm more in charge of the house (because I do most of the house work )

havalina · 18/10/2007 00:13

I don't feel like me and dp are equal, I am the one who worries about the children/bills etc. At the moment he is the one who earns the money, and he has taken full advantage by doing fuck all around the house, whereas he was doing quite a lot when he was unemployed.
He drives me insane, I have to think of everything, he drifts through life not caring about anything, or entertainment blah blah.
I so want a partner who cares about our life/partnership and takes an active role eg. sorting things out before I have to nag him, and actually noticing if we haven't spoke to each other in 2 weeks aaaaagh.

Tortington · 18/10/2007 00:28

recently for reasons i cant go into - although my dh is being paid - he isn't working at the moment and hasnt actually done a days work in 6 weeks.

now the house is running in its usual shabby way. the way we go day to day wen we both work - a bit slap dash - can't be arsed.

i'm quite frankly sick of it. i have said outloud " what the fuck do you do all day!" to be told he washes pots gets kids of to school and makes the tea and tidies round the living room.

the reason for my whinge is, with 6 weeks off i am pretty sure i would have say hoovered the stairs or cleaned the toilet... if it was say a week - i might think fuck it - but ^ chuffin weeks.

what the fuck is my point? equality - there is no equality of obligation thinks i.

EllHell · 18/10/2007 00:41

Haven't read other people's replies so not sure how they've interpreted the question, but to me it depends how you look at it.

Yes, on the whole I do feel equal to my dh. I have always earned more than him and for several years was the (main or only) breadwiner in the relationship while he was a student. He does at least his fair share around the house, cooks most nights, washes up etc. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses but we know one another well enough to work around them most of the time. (He keeps track of the family finances because I'm crap at that - not that I overspend, I just don't keep records! I keep track of school events/Brownies/Rainbows/homework/PE kit and so on.) I don't feel dependent on him, and I am aware that I could live without him... I am with him because I choose not to (if that makes sense.... I don't feel 'stuck with him').

At the same time, I am aware that he is physically stronger than me, and I do sometimes feel slightly 'bullied' by his very 'strong' (read: stroppy) character. I stand up for myself a lot more now, though, than I did, say, 10 years ago, so by the time I'm 60 or so I should've got that bit of our relationship sorted too ().

I do believe that women and men are naturally different from one another. But I don't think that should stand in the way of equality. 'Equal' does not equal 'identical'.

welliemum · 18/10/2007 00:43

Can you give a specific example of what you mean, pruners?

Very equal in our house, but DH is a saint in human form.

I know however from talking to others that even lovely DH/DPs can unconsciously make big assumptions about how decision making/jobs are shared out.

yama · 18/10/2007 01:36

Interesting question pruners. Day to day I think we contribute equally towards the running of the house. I cook meals, do dishes, general tidy up and he gets dd (nearly 2) ready in the morning, baths her in the evening and reads her stories and puts her to bed.

The bit where we are unequal is that I am nearly always the one who has to take time off work when dd is unwell. I think though that I took this on myself as I choose a nursery right next door to my work.

I have thought about this before but sometimes it is through guilt - do I take him for granted? He is great at thanking me for all I do round the house. Yes, it has made me think, this question.

harrisey · 18/10/2007 01:58

Yes, I am equal

Sometimes dh takes more of a led sometimes (like now, he is depressed but doign well, stressed wit h work) I do,

but we have been married almost 13 years and yes, overall, equlity evens out.

Often we are both equally in cintrol - thats when we argue, but only in a good way

Niecie · 18/10/2007 02:22

I would say we are supposed to be equal partners and in the sense that we don't do anything big without both of us being in agreement.

However, day to day life is different. I am in charge of the house and the children. That is not to say that I have to do everything but things are done my way and DH will defer to me on the decision making. He does his share with the children, getting them ready for bed every evening and keeping them occupied for part of the weekend and he tidies the kitchen every evening, which I hate doing but he doesn't do any other housework or laundry unless specifically asked. I have responsibility all child and school related things but to be honest I wouldn't want that any other way.

He is in charge of the money. He has paid employment, I don't (unless I do some work for him) so I don't make any significant purchases without first checking with him. That is not to say he holds all the purse strings, I do have equal and unlimited access to the joint bank account. It is not necessarily something I like but on the other hand that is the trade off that I am prepared to make to be have the choice to stay at home with the children. And I do have my own savings (not a huge amount) so if I really disagreed about something I do have some leeway to do waht I want. It hasn't come to that though in 7 years.

The thing that feels unequal to me is that he is complete control of his time. As he is the one who works and earns the money he can come and go as he pleases. I can't argue if he says he is going to be late home because he has a meeting or if he won't commit to a particular week off because of work so that I can book a holiday for us all. He never has to worry about the child care and I feel like I have to make arrangements to leave them with him. I have to plan ahead and think of all eventualities, he doesn't.

But on the whole though we are a partnership but it is something that has to be negotiated every day. Certainly things change when you have children. We were complete equals before we had children but the balance changes when they arrive. But I suppose it keeps things interesting.

ninedragons · 18/10/2007 03:25

We are completely equal. We met and married fairly late (around 30) and had both been single for many years before that because we are both picky. I am always stunned by some of the dickheads that people marry when I watch Wife Swap! In six years together we have never had a single argument - I have actually had two different friends ask me quietly if we were for real, or putting it on when there were other people around.

He is definitely more laid back than I am, and the long-term big decisions (investments, where to live when we leave this posting, etc) tend to be guided by me. I just have a deeper attachment to my home town (he loathes his) and am more interested in money than he is! If he disagreed of course we would find a mutually agreeable solution.

moondog · 18/10/2007 08:21

Is married at about 30 considered late these days!?

Lordy...

Freckle · 18/10/2007 08:39

I think there are always going to be slight imbalances of power, but these often shift.

DH brings in the money and I do the house stuff (plus many, many other things besides). I suppose he does have the final say on major purchases/outlays, but generally speaking it's normally what I want!

With regard to major life decisions, we are equal and I know that he respects my views and I certainly respect his (even though, if they differ from mine, he's usually wrong).

He is not a demonstrative man, but he dotes on his children and often brings me home small gifts, so I don't worry about the lack of open affection.

Anna8888 · 18/10/2007 08:49

The balance of power is not evenly spread across all aspects of our joint lives. In fact, I abhor the idea that everything should be "split down the middle" - it is far more economically productive to allocate tasks to one or either partner. That seems to me the whole point of marriage/a couple, to be honest.

I do, however, endeavour for the balance of power to be evenly spread across the relationship, and for both of us to have an equal share of work and fun.