Do you feel you are truly an equal partner in your relationship?

[Pruners]

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I feel me and my partner are equal and he feels that way too. He has way more than me material wise like a house, business etc but he never treats me like i am not equal to him. I think other people probably see him as being higher than me because he has more things and more money though.

It's a difficult one, isn't it.

I think dh is actually very good with certain things - like getting involved with their school stuff, wanting to take the children on outings (he has 2 days a week where he is solely responsible for getting them to and from school and sorting out all the after school stuff) yet I think there is still only one of us doing stuff like forward planning and thinking about the fact that we might just need a babysitter if both of us have planned to go out on the same night .

But I don't feel unequal and I'm not sure I ever did. At times when I've felt hard done by, it's almost always been because I was feeling shit about myself rather than him/anyone else making me feel crap.

Hope you are OK Pruni (and enjoyign your new place)

Hmmm. Today I have been feeling fed up with Mr Inferior for clearly not wanting to sort out a babysitter for Wednesday when he's out late and I want to go swimming ('I'll cancel' he said long-sufferingly - fine matey, you just do that if you can't be @rsed to make a phone call or two); BUT he has done absolutely all the cooking and childcare this weekend while I crashed exhaustedly.

At the moment I have to say the Inferiority Complex would be hard pressed to get accreditation as a B&B....

Anna: no I don't feel I am contributing more, because he does more of the childcare. It's more that he has a 'right' to complain and I'm supposed to just cope. I did have a rant at him at the weekend though and I got a lie-in on Sunday so am feeling much better about the whole thing!

We have aggressive equality. Our situation is made easier by the fact that DH and I are the same age and do broadly the same thing. We were in the same year at "different but similar" universities and met when we were both doing the same graduate job at similar but different firms. Now we both work full time in the same type of jobs - although I work a bit harder and earn a bit more than he does due to the nature of my job. I think the "structural equality" we have from this helps a lot.

The rest is "attitudinal equality". As a few people have said, I possibly do marginally more re the DCs and he does marginally more re the house, but other than that, all chores across the household are split equally - booking holidays, thinking of something to cook when my family were coming over, booking babysitters, sourcing huge amounts of pink tat for DDs birthday, booking hall for birthday party, noticing that DS needs new school uniform and buying it, being parent helper at trip to the zoo are all things which DH has done in the last couple of months. He's good at foreseeing issues and foward strategic planning.

TBH, DH is pretty much like having a clone of myself as he can be relied on to do pretty much everything with minimal or no prompting. Not sure if this is luck or subconscious choice!

EffiePerine - good

Fascinating thread. Could have written OP myself Pruners and your subsequent posts.

I don't know many happy couples who are "equal" in the accepted sense of the word.

Generally speaking, I don't feel equal to dh in terms of intellect, earning power, or personality. But agree that equality can shift over time, in certain contexts, and according to different situations.

For example as an an expat 'trailing spouse', my dependence on dh has been depressing at times, but this has lessened dramatically in line with my ability to speak the local languages.

We have recently redefined our areas of responsibility and wierdly, I am happier now that my dh is less involved in the housework, childcare than he used to be. I have my own 'sphere' of power/control in the home iyswim. Before, both of us used to try to share everything and it was stressful and confusing.

I too deeply resent that he can walk out the door to work when he wants without giving a thought to childcare arrangements. I only work 21 hrs a week but have to have everything set in stone to do that.

Sorry for the digression but it's more than just the practical issue, I envy him his ability to be completely focused and single-minded about his work to the exclusion of everthing else, something that I have consistently failed to achieve since giving birth.

So in answer to your original question, yes, and rather depressingly, perhaps it is all just a matter of brain chemistry ...

Over to the evolutionary anthropologists ...

Is it really possible to use the term equal? In my case no; that doesn't mean to say I feel an underling to dh. He earns more than I do but it all goes into one pot, which I administer because I like to be in control. I am responsible for dd's childcare (by which I mean taking and picking her up) as dh commutes, leaving the house at 6.30am. I cook because I enjoy it but that didn't stop dh making an apple pie from scratch yesterday and cleaning the house from top to bottom, which he does every Sunday and iron his shirts.....however, it would never occur to him to put any washing in or take it out and hang it out to dry. I think it's give and take, with perhaps a little more give on the female side. My mum said to me many years ago "don't get bitter" - nothing else; I didn't have a clue what she was talking about then, but I do now. Will it ever change? I don't think so.

Regarding the time-thing-issue: its crude but, when making a proper visit to the loo, it's in and straight out, with or if you're really lucky you might get to be on your own. OTH, dh takes his time, magazine and NO interuptions!!!!! Is that TMI

Not if my DH had his way. His family are quite old fashioned and male/female stereotypes are clearly defined. His Mum has a very responsible job but it is never talked about with any respect - as though it is just for "pin money" for her. His Dad actually refers to women as "Queer Cattle" - only slightly tongue in cheek. My DH also grew up being advised that "Women don t want you to get rich because they are scared you will run off with someone else if you do". Considering this DH is pretty well adjusted but he is quite selfish and never goes out of his way to make sure I have time for myself. His social life is very healthy while mine is non existent. In PIL house he and his Dad will just interrupt any female who happens to be talking and the room will fall silent to listen to their pearls of wisdom unless it happens that I am the female and then I will just keep talking louder and louder until I have finished.

In answer to the question, I would say things are fairly equal but it is a neverending and exhausting battle to keep it that way. I am a SAHM and DH does not lift a finger round the house and only with DC after a lot of nagging. I am worn out with being equal and trying to carve out some time for myself.

saythatagain - no, not TMI, but IMO that's a crucial difference between men and women. All the men I have ever lived with/shared a house with spend ages reading on the loo whereas for women it's all over in seconds .

Utterly astounding really, but a key factor in the equality debate I think....back to basics!!!

This is one of those threads which has the capacity to make me a bit paranoid, because I believe I am an equal partner to DH ? in fact it is crucial to my contentment in our relationship ? but if I look at it closely sometimes I?m not so sure. For example I am definitely 3 times more likely to be loading the washing machine or organising birthday parties. On the other hand DH will spend much more time than me organising a car service or fixing our bikes, so it probably evens out across the board.

I was wondering why this feeling of equality is so important to me ? I think because it is indivisible from respect. If I am equal to DH, then not only do I feel a lot of self-respect (because I really rate DH as a human being) but more subtly I feel I have earned his respect, and his love.

What?s odd though is that so many of us seem to be treating equality almost as a competition: we are striving for it, mentally totting up points, ?earning? it through constant negotiation. That seems a bit odd in a situation where there should be no 'winners'. I wonder if men feel the same way or if they just automatically assume equality and think about the division of responsibilities as simply being an argument about logistics?

I know that my dh sees us as equals. Taking an overview though, in a clinical way, I know that I shoulder the larger part of our lives together; that doesn't make me feel used, more like I'm better at organising.. and I'm serious about that too!