Do you feel you are truly an equal partner in your relationship?

[Pruners]

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We make joint choices about bills, kids, what we eat for tea, holidays, where we spend Xmas etc etc. I feel like his equal- he respects my intelligence and my opinions.

i usually pick what's on TV though

PregnantGrrl - "he respects my intelligence and my opinions"

I agree, that is perhaps the critical issue when it comes to having an equal balance of power in a relationship - you need to respect one another's intelligence.

My sister and I are both (marginally) more qualified than our partners and we are both happily SAHMs (and both currently developing part-time jobs compatible with family) while our partners are breadwinners. I suspect that our ability to outwit our partners at times contributes greatly to our feelings of security in our relationships .

I'd say we're equal, more or less.

But there are shifts, of course, caused some of time by dh being 10 years younger than me - it means there's BOUND to be stuff I know and he doesn't. But that's fine, he says 'I've never done xyz before, tell me what you think'

I do know that I probably get my own way fairly often but most of the time we agree so there isn't often conflict about stuff, it's our way, not necessarily my way. Oh god, is that true? I need to think about this I think! We have the same moral and political views and we agree about an awful lot so I guess it doesn't arise much, any power imbalance. I think on some things I get the final say and on others he does actually if I think about it.

Although Dh is younger than me he's much more mature and sensible and he has a steely core - I respect his views immeasurably and if we do disagree he's often right, it just takes me a while to back down and see it.

But we both work ft oth and I earn much more than him so the sahp thing doesn't crop up. He also did a stint at home so he knows how to do childcare/boring crap as well as I do.

Pruners, what makes you think you're lower in status/have less power than you dh? (if you want to say)

Sprogger - no, you aren't getting me exactly .

What I abhor is the idea that splitting things down the middle is the key to balancing power - the 1970s feminist viewpoint that if women went out to work and were equal earners, men would do their share of the housework and the battle of the sexes would be over.

Because it hasn't worked as a universal panacea .

Ah this is an interesting one.... glad it came up, as it's something I've been thinking about, too.

I'm a SAHM with 7 month old DD and DSS (13) and DSD (10). I hate to say it, but I really do feel unequal since stopping work, and I'm not even remotely high-achieving or career-driven.

DH doesn't treat me in any way unequal, but it's how I feel, and I really hate feeling that way. My maternity pay runs out soon (not that there's much of it) so DH will be giving me 'spending money' each month, but I'd far rather feel I was earning it myself.

I know there are plenty who would say this is nonsense, and it's not 'mine/his' but 'ours', but there you go....

I'm not even sure where I get this attitude from, bearing in mind my mum was SAHM with part-time jobs only when we were older.

I'm just telling myself that, as others have said, these things shift over time and this is just the situation we are in NOW, so in the scheme of things it doesn't really matter.

Equal but sometimes one is more equal than the other .. to badly paraphrase Mr Blair/Orwell

Spongebob - I also have two stepchildren, and one child with my partner, and also gave up work when I had my child.

You must work yourself out of a situation where your partner gives you spending money - that is hopeless .

I have a card for our current account and take whatever I like out. If it's big things, I mention it to my partner first - just as I expect him to mention big expenditure to me.

I know Anna, I don't like the 'spending money' thing. Trouble is, DH doesn't want a joint account, because his ex wife ran up big debts that way when she was a SAHM. So we do have a sense of 'his' and 'my' money...

I think me earning money is the way to go, just need to figure out a way of doing so on a very part-time basis, with no or minimal child care costs.

Spongebob - OK, so your partner got his fingers burned with his ex. You know what - my partner did too so he didn't trust me with money to begin with. I am very responsible with money, however, and have now earned his trust - hence the card .

Might take you a couple of years, but don't agree to receiving spending money/an allowance. And getting a job just to avoid the issue is a total cop out if your partner earns enough to support you all comfortably with you as a SAHM.

Bad morning to ask me this question. I work ft and DP is a SAHD but I still feel I'm doing half of his job for him. I would love to have a wife sometimes...someone to make dinner, not only wash the clothes but iron them and put them away, someone who makes the decisions about the childrens upbringing and welfare and most importantly someone WHO GETS UP IN THE NIGHT IF NEEDED.

Blazing row in the night because I was up for two hours trying to settle my ill youngest and eventually I got so cold I brought it back to our bed and was met by anger by DP because 'he's never going to settle in here'....no maybe not but at least his Mum won't freeze to death!...that became can't you be a little more sympathetic, then well why don't you wake me up if you need help....BECAUSE YOU'RE A GRUMPY OLD MAN AND YOU SHOULD OFFER. If I ever complain about the balance of duties/responsibilities I'm met with 'all the other Mothers have cleaners and gardeners' or 'I'm as tired as you' HOW COME YOU CAN STAY UP TIL MIDNIGHT WATCHING TV THEN WHEN I CRAWL IN TO MY BED AT 10.30PM!

Are we equal....NO WAY....I'm the superior being round here and this morning I'm happy to say it so there!

robin3 - it sounds as if you have a raw deal and a far greater share of the overall workload than your DH.

If you are working full-time and he is a SAHD, he should be bearing the full domestic load during the week ie you should get home to a clean and tidy house and dinner on the table

I absolutely would not be able to stand being a sahm if it meant I had no access to cash. IMO it's a reciprocal deal - one person works oth, the other is allowing them to do so by being at home looking after children so both should be accorded equal rights to any cash imo. And when dh was a sahd, that's how it worked.

That's not my reality and I doubt it is for many men either TBH.

It's not that DP is lazy just that he is so SLOW at doing basic things and any free time is spent in the garden. Even if he switches on his computer in the evening to say pay a bill he'll read all through the football results and the BBC news site first, then read all his email and then, say 1 hour later, run out of other things to do and pay the bill...by then it's 11pm...he'll go and unload the washing machine then eventually come to bed, switching his bedside light on in the process and if I growl he'll say 'I've been busy...my day doesn't end at 8 like yours does!!!!!'

Feeling really sorry for myself today but it will pass.

But mind you anyone who's a sahm and isn't married is in a very precarious position indeed should her partner walk out - she has no rights really. I would not be a sahm witohut being married for this reason (mind you I don't want to be a sahm so it's moot really!)

robin3 - he's getting away with murder

pretty equal, although I do notice I get to do ALL the fun stuff like find a cleaner, book flights etc after we've discussed the plans...

but we are equal in the we both have equal rights and say over our family and home and in that I trust him to honour that. Be nice if he emptied the dishwasher once in a while tho!

psst Robin3... mines an sahd too and he's exactly the same at times. But then, bless him, I make him do all the driving in recompense

THANK GOD MEOWMIX...I hate feeling like I'm being taken for a mug but I don't think he has it easy either. Just to know you're there is helping me at my desk this morning.

Yes, in answer to the question I do. But I feel very much that the balance of our relationship shifts and sways. It depends on the day / circumstances / state of mind of each of us.

Sometimes if he's distracted about something work related I have to lead him a bit on the home front. Other times he's off doing domestic things without any discussion.

Sometimes I might be a rat bag for a few days and it takes him turning around and saying so for me to realise.

As I say, swings in roundabouts, which I think works well for us.

I would say that intellectually he's ahead of me, but I'm arrogant enough to think I can be smart about other things.

I have just started a thread on the whole money/mine/his thing as it is a big deal in our house, and keeps cropping up.

As for 'equal'.... He is my sounding board for lots of things. But he is in no way a dynamic partner and seems to think the minute he has come in thats 'his' time. He will do stuff, but I feel I am definitley the driver and he is my co driver.

Or perhaps sitting in the back, chirping up sometimes.

Yes - and always have been.
I was working when we met and my money paid for deposit on 1st home. Now I am at home with 3 kids and he is much more senior than i ever was.
I have money for my own use based on how much is left after bills and then split between us. He does several household chores including weekly shop and shares kids activities on weekend etc.
The details have changed over the years but we always talk about things so good or bad the workload/jollies/money etc is always split as equally as possible

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we are definatly equal