Do you feel you are truly an equal partner in your relationship?

[Pruners]

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I see what you mean about the responsibility side. I see this sort of thing as 'control' rather than 'responsibility' - frankly, I think I make better decisions about things like schools, and I'd rather decide what we eat for dinner (ie, something I like) than leave it up to him (in which case I'll get something like a casserole containing four different kinds of meat and no veg). It's a question of temperament/perspective, I think.

As to the meals out and so on - I think you've got a case for asking for some time out there. If he's having meals out with mates - even if it is work-related - then surely you're entitled to some nights out too?

I feel we are equals in our relationship. But I think an important question is 'Do you WANT to have equality in your relationship?'. It's a serious question because I know a number of people who would admit that their relationships are very unequal yet they are content with their roles. We always wanted to have as equal as possible parenting and work roles, so we've both always worked, albeit that when dcs were very small I worked P/T for a while and DH also did a phase of P/T at one point. I couldn't be in a very traditional relationship where roles are carved up and I'd stay home, cook, clean, look after the kids and depend on my DH for money. Neither would he want to feel that his primary role is having to earn the entire amount needed to run our family. But some people are content with roles like this, so it's horses for courses.

Yes. Equally knackered and equally poor!

inthegutter - it's an interesting point.

Surely, if each half of a couple is doing what they want to do and enjoying their life, it is an equal relationship? If the man wants to be the breadwinner and loves his job and the woman wants to be a SAHM and loves it - that's equality of enjoyment of life?

You could also have a situation where each half of a couple earns the same, works the same hours and splits domestic and childcare responsibilities 50:50 and one half of the couple is happy with that and the other isn't. Would that be an equal relationship? I don't think so.

Equality is not so much about actions but about contentment IMO.

I don't see any inequality in my relationship. Yes dh earns all the money, and the places we have lived have been entirely dependent on where his jobs have been, but in many respects I am the dominant character in the relationship, eg I chose how many children we would have, I chose to be a SAHM, etc. Dh and I are from similar backgrounds and have a similar intelligence, although dh is more science based and I am more humanities/languages based.

I think a lot of this is a state of mind. To outsiders I might look like the submissive partner, but I never let dh make any family decision without consulting me, I always consult him, our money goes into a joint account (ha! see, I said "our" money when of course he is the only earner!)

I am not big on women's lib and issues of equality, but I never settle for anything less.

I'm with you on that DG

I've always felt rather ashamed of my status, I know I'm seen as a coat tail rider by some IYKWIM but

DH has decided to choose where he works and I support that choice.
DH would never move so I could pursue my career
I've never really contributed financially on a week to week basisbut the money I've saved has paid for household improvements, major bills (Roof repairs, water supply pipe replacement) Family holidays and I paid off his overdraft
I chose to be a SAHM but I will return to work when DS starts school

And basically If I wasn't here he couldn't afford to replace me. How much for a childminder, housekeeper, laundress, PA, gardener and cleaner?

Plus he's my best mate.

It's taken a long time to realise this but yes we are equal, just in different ways.

Dumbledoresgirl - it's his salary but your (joint) money

Yes, I agree that equality is more about contentment than actions. Tasks can be divided up exactly 50/50 in a very clinical way, but if there isn't mutual respect then it doesn't count for much. And if a couple are genuinely happy to have very polarised roles, then that's obviously what suits them. I suppose part of my desire to have a more 'shared role' approach to parenting/work was because I very much wanted our dcs to really experience first hand that both mummy and daddy can cook/clean/bath the kids/have a professional life. It was important for us both to be role models in this way for our children.

I think that it is great (necessary, even) if children can be shown that both fathers and mothers can be full-spectrum role models, but I still tend to think that that ought to be viewed over time ie it's OK if tasks aren't split 50:50 every week of every year, or every year of their childhood. IMO children just need to see both parents fulfilling roles both inside the home and in wider society, doing paid and unpaid adults tasks, over the course of their formative years.

In fact, the more I think about it, I also think it is even more important that children ought not to have stressed parents as role models - so the 50:50 thing as a role model ought not to override the present/relaxed parent as role model

Hmmm. I think there are areas where I carry more of the childcare slack than my partner. I sort it all out, really; I found both childminders and arrange which days which child is where, and get round to signing DD1 up for recorder class and signing the cheque for that and the school dinners and her dance class and so on...some of that is to do with admin (in that I do more of the face to face drop-off and pick-up) and some is, regrettably, because DP doesn't always work that out in advance and it's not always an issue I can just leave (if the cheque for school dinners isn't written, DD1 will starve. Which would not be a good thing). I am a pretty slack parent but do more with the Inferiorettes overall than DP does.

On the other hand DP has headed up all the domestic stuff we've been having done recently, so there are areas in which he definitely carries all the slack (and the car. ALL the car stuff. I do not give a flying fandango about cars).

I do very much sympathise on the work/going out front. I usually work from home, which can be appallingly isolating and inconveniently convenient for Being A Stalwart Stopgap if anything goes wrong; there were a few years in which I didn't go to any of the work-related evening stuff I could have done (and would have got a lot from) and felt very isolated indeed. While DP gets to go away from time to time. Lucky sod.

Absolutely spot on that stressed parents is probably the worst scenario of all. I think this is where couples need to have honest, open debate about what their needs/views/aspirations are. Splitting responsibilties 50/50 might be hugely stressful for some couple. Equally, being a SAHM can be demoralising for some women, and being the sole breadwinner can be soul destroying for some men.

What does equal partner mean? How do you decide if you are or not? Is it who makes final decisions if you can't both agree on a best course of action? Who brings the money in? Distribution of household tasks?

I'm afraid I think working from home is really crap for equality - worst of both worlds, because you have to work but you get none of the social contact and fun of being with other people and everyone thinks you are still available to run a 5* hotel for them

inthegutter - agreed. And one of the problems is that it's very hard to know in advance how life is going to work out and how you are going to feel about being a SAHM/sole breadwinner/50:50 split down the middle person before you have tried in your particular circumstances

Why a 5* hotel, Anna? I work four days a week. I drop my children at their various places of education and/or childcare, and come back and do a day's work. Nobody interrupts me. The flip side of no office interaction is I can play my own music, I have had a brisk walk not a long commute, and I can eat a home made lunch. I exchange brief words with our cleaner when she comes in on a Wednesday. At the end of the working day, I get my kids.

It's all been slightly different for the past few months while I do some magazine work, and yes that has its benefits, but it involves a lot more juggling.

MI - I think it doesn't work out quite like that for a lot of people - they find their working days are not as peaceful as that and that they get interrupted by errands and household tasks.

But why - or is that because they assume their work takes second place to the home, back to the inequality issue?

In terms of my work, I do think - and value the fact - that my partner (unlike most of my previous blokes) doesn't assume my work is secondary to his. Which is very important, and is I think not the case for all partnerships at all.

absolutely motherinferior. I think the root of this equality debate is whether there is mutual respect. My professional life is every bit as important as DHs. And his ability to play/interact/chat with our children is every bit as as good as mine. His cooking is better than mine tho lol

OP - Yes, although I know that my work is considered secondary to his.

Not particularly by him (although he has his moments), but by the world in general. My work is part time, pays 1/10 (pro-rata) of what his does, his salary pays for everything, his is a 'career', mine is a stop-gap. He is away a lot with work and has lots of non-office hours work-stuff phone calls etc, mine is strictly 22.5 hours. On the plus-side he does work from home when one of the kids is ill or we need childcare cover.

That said, I do know that he has moments of feeling a bit like a spare part when he gets back from time away and the house/family is ticking along nicely.

Aside from the massive salary gap between us, I do feel that we are equal. All decisions concerning the family, finances or otherwise are jointly and I feel that my opinion is just as valued as his.

sorry, should've been "are made jointly"

I think dp views me as his equal, certainly in terms of our work where I think there is mutual respect. The differences arise due to his greater freedom - he isn't the father of my dc's and doesn't get that involved in looking after them or making decisions for them (their birth father isn't on the scene at the mo either), so that feels like a major responsibility in some ways. He has freedom to work when he wants (eg if he wants extra shifts or do training at the weekends) and to go out when he wants. I think this inequality is mainly due to him not being their father, so he has never known what it feels like to really engage with children and to take responsibility for them. However, I am working on this !

Probably not. But that's a bit of a sore subject at the moment. Something to do with me having had a shitty week, working long hours, taking care of DS/doing housework on my days off and DH complaining that he has no time to do the things he wants to do.

I hope we're equal partners having a bit of a blip at the moment.

Oh and I am the main wage earner, and the one who works out of the home, so don't think it's necessarily a SAHM/WOHM issue.

MI - most of the couples I know aren't in a situation where the man's career takes precedence over the woman's. Both jobs are important because both bring in money that allows the household to survive, so when there are business trips or dinners men and women are equally free to attend them. However, the big difference is that the men generally have far fewer household/childcare responsibilities than the women. Most of the time they seem totally oblivious to the de facto inequality that situation engenders ie the men have much more energy to devote to their jobs and much more freedom of movement and fun time than the women.

EffiePerine - is it that you think you are overall working harder and contributing more to your joint lives than your partner is?