To feel uncomfortable about this ex dynamic?

[MackenzieT]

Fully prepared to be told I'm being U and jealous/controlling here by the way...Will take it on the chin and sort my s**t out.

My DP of 1 year is still really good friends with his immediate ex, and still living in her property that they were going to share together. They still text regularly and recently she threw a wobbler about him 'moving me in' when in fact I was just visiting. She has form for being controlling - his friends were worried about him when they were dating - but he wants to keep the friendship because they still care about each other, and I'm not about to tell my bf they can't be friends with someone just because I dislike them. I am really uncomfortable with the dynamic though and I have brought this up a few times. He says there is nothing romantic on either side now and due to the circumstances of their break up I do believe that, but is it weird to feel like there aren't enough boundaries in this from his side? She basically can hold over him the whole time that he lives in her place? Why throw a fit about me 'moving in' if she's totally fine with everything? I've accidentally (genuinely, looking for the time) seen messages on his phone from her that were quite cute and the kind of thing you'd say to someone you were still really connected to - I constantly feel like there are three people in this and it's making me paranoid and not the person I want to be in a relationship. I have to take ownership of my own insecurities though and am ok with being told I'm U and should give him a break.

How would you feel?

They are still partners on an emotional level. Attached.

As a PP said, you are a warm body.
He is partnering emotionally with her, and possibly both of you.
It is akin to an affair.

He has stated his boundary, he won't be living with you.
This house is a symbol of their ongoing relationship.

How long do they facetime for and for what purpose?

Is it just house sitting discussion like, "the boilers broken" or something else?

They are friends still so they don't just catch up about the flat, washing machine etc, but as friends.

They sound like they are not over. The cutesy messages, him living in her place...

It depends what you want from a relationship, but it does sound like there are three of you in this one...sorry.

You're defending him and minimizing this love triangle you've found yourself in! Your gut is crying out so listen to it-he's living rent free at his ex's home and getting free sex and companionship from you, minus a real commitment to your relationship.

This reminds me so much of my relationship with my ex. As I said before there were the cute messages from her, they video called regularly. He openly admitted to me they were friends. She even had a BF for a while, but they kept in touch. He would never give up that contact although I had told him in the beginning the only way to get over her was to go no contact.

He was kind, hilarious and fun to be with. But he never ever gave me what I really wanted, which was confirmation about how much he liked me. He never ever showed an emotional side. I know now it's because she was always there, as well as him being an avoidant.

I stupidly clung on till he dumped me. Then I was really hurt. OP please don't make excuses for him. He might be really nice but he'll never love you. You deserve so much better.

What do his family and close friends say to you about it all (assuming you've met them and spend time with them)? They must find it quite odd too.
When she's back in the country, do they stay in the flat together?

Think rationally here.

He doesn't want to cohabit with anyone again. He lives practically rent free in his ex's flat and has no plans to move. He cannot put any boundaries in place with her, because she's providing his accommodation - she owns him pretty much. You are getting shortchanged because he hasn't made the effort to deal with his baggage.

No amount of a guy being 'nice', or supporting you through a hard time should be enough to settle for this crap. Of course he's nice to you, any other women would have dumped him when she realised what a toxic relationship he's stuck in.

You need to pick your self respect up - and find a man who is not still emotionally tied up in another woman.

Thank you Jurassic, you've put my own hesitant thoughts into words.

We're just going to move this one over to relationships

Thank you MN -

Still struggling with how to feel about this - I'm tempted to break it off but Christmas, etc. Ultimately I feel he doesn't really respect me or my needs in this or simply doesn't want to fulfill them and neither of those will work out will they...

@MackenzieT

But I don't know if the wobbly was about understandable possessiveness re the flat or about residual feelings...I think that would change how I felt about it a bit...

Given that she was stalking you on your social and that's what gave her the feeling about the flat, this is about residual feelings. It really is.

He is bound up in the idea that he's a 'nice guy' and therefore anything he does must be fine, because he's a nice guy and wouldn't mean to hurt anyone. Conveniently that aligns with the easiest pathway for him.

I would break it off now as while it's close to Christmas there's time to get used to the idea. I would tell him that it's better if you're just friends as this seems to be the level that is in your future longer term anyway. Make it clear that doesn't mean you continue to have sex. Then you'll see how much he values the idea of friendship with ex girlfriends.

His relationship is stronger with her than with you. She feels she has the right to stalk you on social media and to set boundaries for him, which he accepts and tells you about without hesitation.

He is in two contracts with her: an emotional one and a practical one (the flat).

He isn't moving on from her and she isn't moving on from him.

You are a convenience to him until she returns. Ask him what his plans are if / when she returns. Are you afraid to do that?

Sorry to be blunt

@MackenzieT are you happy about never living with him in the future? It doesn't sound like there's much prospect for a proper relationship unless you're happy with that arrangement I guess. I'd struggle with their friendship personally, I don't think it's unreasonable of you to not be comfortable with it

I don't want to live with someone so the not living together thing isn't an issue for me

Oh life is too short for shit spineless men.

I don't think she is returning as her move out to Germany is supposed to be permanent and she will probably end up selling or renting out the flat properly to fund her new life out there.

Sorry, that was for SummerWhisper.

Dump him. I had one like this. Still enmeshed with his ex wife because he “cared about her” and felt “emotional responsibility” to her. I did lay down the law and say it’s me or her, initially he said he chose me and shut down contact with her but dumped me a few days later because he “couldn’t tell if he was doing what he really wanted or just doing things to please me”.

After a few months he got back in touch and apologised for everything, said his ex was manipulative and he could now see it clearly what a cunt he was, and that she was blocked. We started seeing each other again and he dumped me AGAIN because he “couldn’t tell what he really wanted”. I was an absolute fool and it really hammered home how shit my boundaries are.

Seriously, don’t bother.

It sounds to me like he wants you to play the role of "cool girlfriend" never asking upsetting questions, and the ex he's clearly freeloading off is meeting his practical needs. Not a nice man

@namechangeforfriday this is exactly the scenario im afraid of happening

If he actively wanted to be moving on and putting space between himself and his ex then he would be. He isn’t because he doesn’t want to. The best option really is to cut your losses and leave. A few months down the line I realise how stress-free my life is without this idiot in it, and that I deserve more than he could ever give.

Only you can stop it OP.
You have no power over him, but all the power over yourself.

Your intuition is warning you and you are ignoring it.

Yeah, i guess i have really terrible boundaries

EVERYTHING makes this dead in the water.

Wave bye-bye until he's enough of either a grown up or not a manipulative wide-eyed twat to move out, knock the ex he's using for free accommodation on the head, and come looking for a proper relationship.