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Relationships

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To feel uncomfortable about this ex dynamic?

100 replies

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 10:35

Fully prepared to be told I'm being U and jealous/controlling here by the way...Will take it on the chin and sort my s**t out.

My DP of 1 year is still really good friends with his immediate ex, and still living in her property that they were going to share together. They still text regularly and recently she threw a wobbler about him 'moving me in' when in fact I was just visiting. She has form for being controlling - his friends were worried about him when they were dating - but he wants to keep the friendship because they still care about each other, and I'm not about to tell my bf they can't be friends with someone just because I dislike them. I am really uncomfortable with the dynamic though and I have brought this up a few times. He says there is nothing romantic on either side now and due to the circumstances of their break up I do believe that, but is it weird to feel like there aren't enough boundaries in this from his side? She basically can hold over him the whole time that he lives in her place? Why throw a fit about me 'moving in' if she's totally fine with everything? I've accidentally (genuinely, looking for the time) seen messages on his phone from her that were quite cute and the kind of thing you'd say to someone you were still really connected to - I constantly feel like there are three people in this and it's making me paranoid and not the person I want to be in a relationship. I have to take ownership of my own insecurities though and am ok with being told I'm U and should give him a break.

How would you feel?

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 16/11/2020 14:00

@MackenzieT

To be fair, I don't think he is being manipulative or doing this on purpose, he seems to think the best of everyone.
Say that again?

HE sees the best in everyone?!?!

Could you do something for me, please?

Write down what you want from your life.

  1. What do you want your employment to bring?
  1. What do you want your relationship to bring?
  1. Where do yu see yourself in 5 and 10 years time?

Then check back and see if he is helping you achieve any of it?

You can chage your job if you want to
You can change your life goals if you want to

But you can't change how he is....

AWaspOnAWindowReturns · 16/11/2020 14:03

Is the ex stalking your social?

helloitsme4432 · 16/11/2020 14:06

They aren't over. I never get how people can be okay with their dp's being friends with their exes.

PizzaForOne · 16/11/2020 14:09

Sounds like he wants the benefits of cheap/no rent, which is his choice.

His ex's response over a photo seems a bit extreme. You say she has a bit of a rep for being controlling when they were in a relationship, but other than this confusion about you being in her flat, there doesn't seem to be any other examples of how it has affected your relationship?

If he can't see the issue and still wants to live in the place, you either just have to put up with it or end it if its bothering you that much. Plus the fact he is saying he never wants to live with a partner again - are you okay with that?

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 14:11

Is the ex stalking your social?

She doesn't follow me so I guess that's the only way she could have seen the pic :/

OP posts:
cerealkillah · 16/11/2020 14:14

My ex DP had a very close relationship with his ex and she lived in a different country. She sent him messages with hearts and kisses and they FaceTimed at least once a week. He also sent her a new phone when hers broke. Whilst he assured me they were just friends I don't think he was ever over her. I stayed with him for almost two years and wish now I'd ended it sooner as she was always "there".
Also, he always made it very clear he'd never live with me. I thought I could change him but I couldn't. Again, I wish I'd listened to my instincts.

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 14:20

She sent him messages with hearts and kisses and they FaceTimed at least once a week.

Oh god, they do this too

OP posts:
VettiyaIruken · 16/11/2020 14:31

Sounds like you're a warm body, sorry.

DarlingCoffee · 16/11/2020 14:44

Too many red flags here OP from his and her side. Run.

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 15:24

I don't think he's doing anything untoward though, but he isn't putting a stop to it either, and I guess in it's own way that is doing something? Like, no response in a response, etc.

OP posts:
ContessaDiPulpo · 16/11/2020 15:33

@MackenzieT

I don't think he's doing anything untoward though, but he isn't putting a stop to it either, and I guess in it's own way that is doing something? Like, no response in a response, etc.
Why on earth would he want to do anything to stop this? He's got two women vying for his attention. Whether he consciously realises that or not, it is the situation.
Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 16/11/2020 15:36

Its not that they are just friends though she is throwing tantrums because you might possibly be taking the next step in your relationship when its nothing to do with her. Thats not ok and suggests there is still feelings there. The fact she feels that she can actually say that to him is really weird. I could understand if she felt a bit upset if you were moving in, but she shouldn't be voicing those feelings to him, its inappropriate.

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 15:36

Yeah. I guess it's up to him to set those boundaries, I can't push for them because it isn't my place to, I can only be honest that it makes me uncomfortable. He still has a load of her/their stuff visible around the place, too.

Good to know I'm not being overly jealous though or 'the mad gf'

OP posts:
Abertropper · 16/11/2020 15:38

@MackenzieT

She sent him messages with hearts and kisses and they FaceTimed at least once a week.

Oh god, they do this too

I would break up with him for this alone!

How old are you? I feel like you’ve got a really low bar for yourself !

VinylDetective · 16/11/2020 15:41

she is throwing tantrums because you might possibly be taking the next step in your relationship when its nothing to do with her

It’s very much to do with her if she thinks he’s moving OP into her flat.

I wouldn’t waste time on him. He’s way too invested in his ex.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2020 15:48

This relationship is dead in the water because your boyfriend has a SO, and it isn't you.

ContessaDiPulpo · 16/11/2020 15:48

OP, I have been in this situation and all you can do to retain self-respect is leave.

Me: Please stop fussing over her so much, it upsets me.
Him: Sorry love, I can't, she's my friend and needs me.
Me: OK, I respect that. I can't stay with you though as it upsets me too much. Goodbye and good luck.
Him: I've dumped her now!
Me: ...so she doesn't need you anymore? Him: What?
Me: You said you had to stay in touch with her cos she needed you. Is that not the case anymore?
Him: Umm.....
Me: So basically you didn't want stop doing the thing you like doing when I ASKED you, but did it like a shot when I said I'd have to stop seeing you. I really wish you'd done it when I asked you, out of respect for my feelings, or that you'd at least acted consistently. That would have implied some sort of moral centre at least.
Him:
Me: Goodbye.

I encourage you to follow my path here OP.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 16/11/2020 15:50

He doesn't know how to treat you or her, or how to be an independant man.

The fact that he sees nothing wrong with it, or pretends not to see anything wrong with it, is a huge flag.

Where do you even start?
You would have to raise him.
Which sounds a bit like what she is doing, housing him.

A few years down the line, you will be insane. Like them.

emilyfrost · 16/11/2020 15:52

YABU. You’ve been together a year, which isn’t that long, and you’ve known about this dynamic from the start. So if you weren’t happy with it you shouldn’t have continued the relationship.

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 15:56

You’ve been together a year, which isn’t that long, and you’ve known about this dynamic from the start.

I did not know about it from the start because he wasn't upfront about it.

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 16/11/2020 15:58

I did not know about it from the start because he wasn't upfront about it.

Okay, so how long have you known about it?

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 16:01

Okay, so how long have you known about it?

Long enough to clearly have very low self-esteem, a couple of months in I found out. Not even from him.

OP posts:
Frankola · 16/11/2020 16:02

I couldnt date someone in such a tangled relationship with their ex to be honest.

Too much drama and complication for me.

cerealkillah · 16/11/2020 16:10

It's hard, I do understand. I was always very chilled out and thought how great he's friends with her. I also had low self esteem and wish now I'd had the strength to walk away at the time.
But you learn from these experiences. My ex was an avoidant anyway, so he was never going to commit to me and his ex was just another spanner in the works.
Please be strong and walk away. You deserve so much better.

emilyfrost · 16/11/2020 16:13

Long enough to clearly have very low self-esteem, a couple of months in I found out. Not even from him.

So you’d only been together two months, found out from someone else—he didn’t even give you the courtesy of telling you himself—didn’t like the dynamic and yet still carried on dating him?

You can’t change him, or her. It sounds like it was a dealbreaker a long time ago and you’ve just let it carry on.

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