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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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To feel uncomfortable about this ex dynamic?

100 replies

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 10:35

Fully prepared to be told I'm being U and jealous/controlling here by the way...Will take it on the chin and sort my s**t out.

My DP of 1 year is still really good friends with his immediate ex, and still living in her property that they were going to share together. They still text regularly and recently she threw a wobbler about him 'moving me in' when in fact I was just visiting. She has form for being controlling - his friends were worried about him when they were dating - but he wants to keep the friendship because they still care about each other, and I'm not about to tell my bf they can't be friends with someone just because I dislike them. I am really uncomfortable with the dynamic though and I have brought this up a few times. He says there is nothing romantic on either side now and due to the circumstances of their break up I do believe that, but is it weird to feel like there aren't enough boundaries in this from his side? She basically can hold over him the whole time that he lives in her place? Why throw a fit about me 'moving in' if she's totally fine with everything? I've accidentally (genuinely, looking for the time) seen messages on his phone from her that were quite cute and the kind of thing you'd say to someone you were still really connected to - I constantly feel like there are three people in this and it's making me paranoid and not the person I want to be in a relationship. I have to take ownership of my own insecurities though and am ok with being told I'm U and should give him a break.

How would you feel?

OP posts:
MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 16:16

I know, you're right - I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 16:36

Also, the reason he didn't tell me straight off is because it 'wasn't my business' and between them. But it's controlling to question that apparently...

OP posts:
ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 16/11/2020 16:48

I don’t see how you have a future if he’s never going to live with you?
It’s very odd none of it sounds great to be honest you deserve so much better than thsi

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2020 17:07

Come on, op. End this sham of a relationship already. Time to move forward.

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 17:35

It truly isn't that simple. If he was an awful BF as well as this, i would leave - but he is a genuine, lovely man who has stuck with me even when I've faced difficulties and got sick during this generally terrible year for us all and I haven't been fun to be with myself. it's not cut and dried, he has prioritised me in lots of ways.

OP posts:
Onacleardayyoucansee · 16/11/2020 18:08

Live with the discomfort then, its one or the other.
But he won't pick either of you because he is a nice person.

MackenzieT · 16/11/2020 18:12

i'm not sure I understand - you mean he is genuinely nice so won't want to create a conflict or was that sarcasm?

OP posts:
Onacleardayyoucansee · 16/11/2020 18:15

Well he's not nice us ge.
He's hurting you both and has lied by omission.

You are deluded.

Onacleardayyoucansee · 16/11/2020 18:16

OP your intuition is nagging YOU, MN have backed that up.
But you want to listen to him.

Really, it will send you mad.

Aquamarine1029 · 16/11/2020 18:40

It's easy for him to be a "genuine, lovely man" when he is always getting his way, isn't it? Yet when you try to talk to him about how you feel you get 'it's none of your business' or told you're being controlling.

Yes, he's a real prince. Hmm

ForTheLoveOfCatFood · 16/11/2020 19:08

Yes he sounds so lovely
He’s lied
He doesn’t want to live with you
He prioritises his ex over you

He’s a keeper

Ohthatoldchestnut · 16/11/2020 19:12

So may questions with this oddity... Why would she allow him to live there rent free? Even as a "caretaker" - she's getting something more out of it for sure. I'd assume that when she's back in the country, he comes and stays with you and they don't stay in the flat together?

I've been in a situation before where I started dating this amazing guy (ha). Fairly recently single, allegedly terrible controlling ex who had cheated on him (poor him) but they'd broken up as she'd accepted a job out in Asia and it was all over... But it wasn't. Turns out she had a 2 year placement out there and the plan was that they'd split up, see other people as placeholders, agree that neither would move in with another person, and then when she returned, they'd likely get back together. Which they did in the end. As soon as I found this out, I told him very publicly to do one as no one should be treated as a placeholder!

Does that ring any bells? Oh she also found me on social media to ensure that things hadn't progressed beyond their agreed limit. I didn't hang around long enough to let it get to a stage of there being any trace on there anyway.

In your case, he's made it crystal clear that a) he will not be progressing the relationship with you (don't buy the whole "I can't possibly move in with someone because of the trauma and hassle..." and do not bet your time and efforts on him changing that position) and b) he is very much in a long distance (albeit open) relationship with his "ex".

I know it's hard to give up on the potential in someone - but knowing what you know here, please don't be a willing participant in this and allow yourself to get hurt further.

Ohthatoldchestnut · 16/11/2020 19:13

Unless you're cool with open relationships - no judgment!

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 16/11/2020 19:17

She threw a wobbly because she thought you were moving in. He doesn't want to live with anyone else. He is still in regular touch with her. There are three people in this relationship. Really, really find someone else.

VinylDetective · 16/11/2020 20:34

She threw a wobbly because she thought you were moving in

Because it’s her flat in which OP’s boyfriend lives rent free. I’d throw a wobbly too.

MackenzieT · 18/11/2020 09:11

But I don't know if the wobbly was about understandable possessiveness re the flat or about residual feelings...I think that would change how I felt about it a bit...

OP posts:
Starfish5 · 18/11/2020 09:21

Yeah nah.

Shetoshe · 18/11/2020 09:42

Nope. Wouldn't stick around with this. You can't tell him to stop being friends with her but you can tell him that if he continues you're going to have to end the relationship. Up to him then how he behaves. After a year together I would definitely be issuing an ultimatum. If they don't have DC there's no reason to remain friends. He needs to cut the link and move out for goodness sake but he has a sweet deal financially so he won't.

chocolateorangelover · 18/11/2020 10:22

He's keeping her sweet and using her for free accommodation and is using you for sex. Sounds like he's got it made!

He doesn't want to live with anyone.....
But he doesn't mind living with someone if it's in free accommodation (he moves you in)....

Sounds pretty obvious what he's all about

Mcnotty · 18/11/2020 10:40

OP, so perchance you move in with this man, will you be arranging payment of rent with the ex and how will you do this? This is on the assumption you’re not thinking you will live in another woman’s house rent free.

MackenzieT · 18/11/2020 10:52

He isn't moving me in though?! We have no plans to live together. We've only been together a year and he's clear he won't cohabit again? I wouldn't WANT to live in another woman's flat like that.

OP posts:
MackenzieT · 18/11/2020 10:53

It gives me the ick to think of living in someone's place like that - it's freeloading. Maybe that's part of my issue with him.

OP posts:
Mcnotty · 18/11/2020 11:30

@MackenzieT

It gives me the ick to think of living in someone's place like that - it's freeloading. Maybe that's part of my issue with him.
This will be the same reason why the ex got annoyed that you ‘might’ be moving in to their house. Do you see this now? The ex has not been unreasonable at all.
aurynne · 18/11/2020 11:43

@MackenzieT, my recommendation is for you to talk to the ex. Have a conversation with her, ask her some questions and check how her answers align with the version you have from your boyfriend.

I guarantee you will be enlightened.

MackenzieT · 18/11/2020 11:44

But how does that fit in with the rest of their messed up dynamic? The cutesy 'still care about you so much' stuff.

OP posts:
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