New man query - "I don't know what I'm looking for."

[BrandNewLightbulb]

I've been dating someone for a couple of weeks.

It's obviously very early days - no feelings beyond I like him and I fancy him. That's all. I'm not really one for falling in love easily or deciding "this is 'the one'!" In fact, I've never felt like that about anyone I've dated. Ever. I'm in my 40s.

This weekend, we had a bit of a chat about what each of us wants from a relationship (not this one specifically just in general).

I've a very turbulent relationship history. I have a habit of dating men knowing that I definitely wouldn't have considered them for a LTR because a LTR wasn't what i was looking for. I definitely didn't want them to develop 'feelings' for me and I knew that the relationship definitely had an end point which had nothing to do with compatibility or them and was purely determined by what I did/didn't want for my life. The thought of commitment or 'feelings' terrified me and sent me hurling in the other direction. I suppose I was a bit of a 'commitmentphobe'.

Anyway, I've reached a point in my life where I would actually like a proper relationship. I obviously don't think that every man I meet is going to be the man I grow old with, but I know that I'm no longer really interested in ongoing 'monogamous but casual' relationships and I would like to meet someone to have a proper relationship with. I suppose I'd like to allow feelings to develop. It would be nice to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me.

I'm finding that this is a difficult conversation to have with men. They assume that, when I bring this up, I'm covertly asking them to make a promise or a commitment or a guarantee to me there and then - which I'm not. But i do know what I'm looking for and what i want and i don't want to spend months dating someone who knows from the outset that they definitely don't want anything more. Is this unrealistic?

So we had the conversation and he just said that he didn't know what he was looking for and felt it was too early to be discussing 'commitment' type stuff. Obviously it's way to early for that with regards to him and me and I was a bit horrified that he thought that's what I was asking for. But "I don't know what I want yet" is something I used to say in order to keep men at a distance so that they didn't get too close. It's also what the last guy I dated said to me as a euphemism for "I'm enjoying seeing you now but I definitely don't see you in my future." Which is how I used to mean it too really.

I didn't push it but I think I'm just a bit thrown by the response. I know you can't know after a couple of weeks and a handful of dates if someone is the person you want to be with but I knew I didn't want that with anyone at all.

I've seen other women on here advised to have that decision early on, esp if they want marriage and children (I'm ambivalent about the former and I definitely dont want the latter!) but men seem to be less certain. Or are they?

In case it's relevant, I'm autistic and very clear in my thoughts. I know what I want/don't want and don't seem to have any ambiguity. I suppose I'm just wondering if the "I don't know what i want yet" is a general NT uncertainty or a deliberate ambiguity to confiscate.

It has just occurred to me that I'm thinking "If he doesn't know what he's looking for, then he's not for me."

And that I might just be as guilty as I was before in terms of looking for a reason to end it.

Yes, he's saying it for the same reasons you used to say it to people. He's not looking for commitment.

P.s. i think you need to be clear from the very outset that you're looking for someone to settle down with. Find somebody who is looking for the same thing.

I wouldn't want to start talking about what I want from a relationship this early in. I might want a LTR but maybe not with the person I was dating as I need to know them better before I start to see potential with them.

Gah, autocorrect turned obfuscate into confiscate!

Alfaxan

Thanks. Sadly, that what I thought.

I have been open to a proper relationship for a couple of years but I've had nothing even approaching luck in terms of finding it.

The longest relationship I've had was 10 months.

I'm wonder if it's just too late for me now.

It's definitely not too late!

I might want a LTR but maybe not with the person I was dating as I need to know them better before I start to see potential with them.

I get that but if they definitely didn't want a LTR and it wasnt even on the cards for them, presumably you'd see no point in discovering whether they had potential to you. That would be irrelevant.

I dated a man 9 years younger than me a few years ago. I broke up with him because he told me that he loved me and wanted to settle down with me. I was enjoying his company, and it's certainly the closest I've ever come to loving someone, but he was more severely autistic than me, very needy and I knew I didn't see a future with him. Our relationship needs/wants were completely incompatible. It would have been unkind to continue seeing him even though I was happy to do so.

P.s. i think you need to be clear from the very outset that you're looking for someone to settle down with. Find somebody who is looking for the same thing.

I suppose I thought of a couple of weeks as being 'from the outset'.

It was a chance encounter. I met him in a pub we had both gone to for a drink alone. We just got chatting.

But he was on a dating site. He'd been on for a few months, had no luck and deleted it after our second date when he said he liked me and did I want to be his gf/exclusive. Given that I wasn't actively dating anyway, it was no big deal for me - I've always been monogamous from date one. He said he'd rather see how it went with me than stay one there having pointless chats that went nowhere with strangers.

I get that but if they definitely didn't want a LTR and it wasnt even on the cards for them, presumably you'd see no point in discovering whether they had potential to you. That would be irrelevant.

Yes but I wouldn't want to discuss it in any detail if that makes sense. It's almost as if you are saying you want to be with them long term. I'd have a brief, high level discussion but nothing more.

That was what I intended it to be - just a brief chat in the general.

All I did was ask him was what sort of relationship he wanted and explained that I'd always had monogamous but casual relationships where I was only really concerned about the 'here and now' and knew I didn't want commitment but that I was looking for a proper relationship now.

He said he thought it was too soon to be thinking about commitment and that he wasn't sure what he wants or where he sees himself and that he's found plans and expectations in the past fell flat on their face so he's happy to just see where it goes with us. I get the impression from things he's said that he has emotionally rushed headlong into things in the past and been hurt or just realised that that doesn't mean anything.

I don't know if that's sensible self protection or a red flag tbh.

Angelofdeath

Ah ok. It was a brief exchange. And he was good natured about it.

I find the little tab on Bumble really helpful for this - you can tick casual, dont know, relationship.

Your questions to him sound very reasonable OP. I think he got a little bit frightened by what you said. Perhaps clarify next time what you meant and it might give him the chance to provide clarity too. I can see why you are confused!

Good luck. Dating is awful(ly hard work).

Yes. That is what I want. I've no desire to hear "I love you" any time soon or any of that nonsense and would consider it a red flag if I did hear it.

You're right. I just don't want to waste my time.

For example, he has already brought up the issue of children and stated that he categorically doesn't want to be a dad. I'm irrelevant in that decision - it's what he wants for his own life and he just wanted me to know that was where he was at, which is all I really wanted to ascertain too.

I find the little tab on Bumble really helpful for this - you can tick casual, dont know, relationship.

It's a pity you cant do that as easily when you meet in real life!

Picktionary

Maybe he was a bit frightened off by it.

I think some men just assume women are looking for 'the one' and to settle down so they interpret everything you say through that filter - even when your words say something completely different.

Tbh, when he told me he has deleted his dating profile and wanted to be bf/gf (how cheesy! ) after the second date, I felt my hackles and barriers rise because it felt way too soon. I've not called someone my boyfriend before the 6th month since I was a teenager! But I got a grip and told myself that if I wanted a proper relationship, I had to first find someone who was at least emotionally available and open to it.

In my exp 'I dont know what I'm looking for' means 'I don't want a relationship with you'. The fact that he got pissy with you for even asking and tried to make put it was full on of you is not a hood sign either. He isn't a nice person and will fuck with your head moving forwards. I wouldnt even keep him as a fuck buddy, let alone if I was looking for something more.

out good

Angelofdeath Oh I know that!

I have a tendency to take people at face value but I've learnt that people aren't always as honest as me!

Not all men are faithless liars though. I have to believe that whilst remaining vigilant.

A sticker would be very helpful!

You’re over thinking it. And he’s not you. You’ve only been going out a couple of weeks and he hardly knows you but you’re already asking oblique questions about long term commitment and forming a hard and fast opinions from that. I’m not sure life is so black and white as that. I would give it a little longer.

Bunnymumy

He wasn't pissy at all with me and he didn't put anything on me.

His response was fine, nice and respectful. It was only afterwards, when I reflected on it, that I felt he might have heard what I said through a filter of me saying something more intentional when I was really just trying to ascertain the lie of the land.

Pyewhacket

Tbf, I'm not asking that specifically.

Bu I have spent my entire adult life knowing I didn't want a serious long term relationship. It wasn't a reflection of the person I was dating and it wasnt because I was a bad person. It just wasnt what I wanted. They could have been the perfect man for me and I still wouldn't have wanted a LTR with them. I knew that about myself.

I know now that I do want a relationship as much as i know that I don't want children, as much as I know that I don't want to move to Australia or holiday in an Egyptian resort lying by a hotel pool for a fortnight.

I know these things about myself. So I wouldn't choose a relationship with someone who did want those things for themselves. You can not know someone well enough to know whether you want a LTR relationship with a particular individual (and i wouldn't expect him to know that about me yet anymore than i know that about him). But i did think someone would want to know what sort of relationship they are looking for per se.