New man query - "I don't know what I'm looking for."

[BrandNewLightbulb]

I've been dating someone for a couple of weeks.

It's obviously very early days - no feelings beyond I like him and I fancy him. That's all. I'm not really one for falling in love easily or deciding "this is 'the one'!" In fact, I've never felt like that about anyone I've dated. Ever. I'm in my 40s.

This weekend, we had a bit of a chat about what each of us wants from a relationship (not this one specifically just in general).

I've a very turbulent relationship history. I have a habit of dating men knowing that I definitely wouldn't have considered them for a LTR because a LTR wasn't what i was looking for. I definitely didn't want them to develop 'feelings' for me and I knew that the relationship definitely had an end point which had nothing to do with compatibility or them and was purely determined by what I did/didn't want for my life. The thought of commitment or 'feelings' terrified me and sent me hurling in the other direction. I suppose I was a bit of a 'commitmentphobe'.

Anyway, I've reached a point in my life where I would actually like a proper relationship. I obviously don't think that every man I meet is going to be the man I grow old with, but I know that I'm no longer really interested in ongoing 'monogamous but casual' relationships and I would like to meet someone to have a proper relationship with. I suppose I'd like to allow feelings to develop. It would be nice to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me.

I'm finding that this is a difficult conversation to have with men. They assume that, when I bring this up, I'm covertly asking them to make a promise or a commitment or a guarantee to me there and then - which I'm not. But i do know what I'm looking for and what i want and i don't want to spend months dating someone who knows from the outset that they definitely don't want anything more. Is this unrealistic?

So we had the conversation and he just said that he didn't know what he was looking for and felt it was too early to be discussing 'commitment' type stuff. Obviously it's way to early for that with regards to him and me and I was a bit horrified that he thought that's what I was asking for. But "I don't know what I want yet" is something I used to say in order to keep men at a distance so that they didn't get too close. It's also what the last guy I dated said to me as a euphemism for "I'm enjoying seeing you now but I definitely don't see you in my future." Which is how I used to mean it too really.

I didn't push it but I think I'm just a bit thrown by the response. I know you can't know after a couple of weeks and a handful of dates if someone is the person you want to be with but I knew I didn't want that with anyone at all.

I've seen other women on here advised to have that decision early on, esp if they want marriage and children (I'm ambivalent about the former and I definitely dont want the latter!) but men seem to be less certain. Or are they?

In case it's relevant, I'm autistic and very clear in my thoughts. I know what I want/don't want and don't seem to have any ambiguity. I suppose I'm just wondering if the "I don't know what i want yet" is a general NT uncertainty or a deliberate ambiguity to confiscate.

PartoftheProbl3m

Maybe I will, thanks.

Angelofdeath

It's often seen as a red flag on here though if someone has a crappy relationship history. And it would make me wonder why someone hasn't.

“But because I've never had one, I doubt my ability to now. Which makes being hurt seem all the more likely and there is a level on which I don't even want to try or put myself through it.”

Is there another way of looking at this? Is there a way of losing your fear of getting hurt? Everyone gets hurt from time to time in relationships – even successful ones. And most of us have had our heart broken from time to time. It was a horrible experience at the time but I don’t think many of us would say that we would rather we hadn’t had the relationship and that it hadn’t happened. Broken hearts do heal otherwise pretty much the entire adult world would be grieving permanently. For me, it’s actually really empowering to know that you can deal with emotional pain, move through it, move on and put it behind you. That’s actually really liberating.

So perhaps another way to look at it is that – if you do get hurt, you will deal with it. You will feel the pain, grieve, look after yourself and pamper yourself, and you will recover and be wiser for the experience. Otherwise, you’re letting fear of getting hurt stop you as if getting hurt is the worst thing when in fact missing out on the opportunity to have relationships may actually be the worst thing.

Have you shagged him yet? I’m not being prurient. It’s just men and women’s feelings change after a shag. Often in opposite directions. I’m thinking his 2nd date bf/gf suggestion might have been to get your trousers off. And if they have now come off, he might be considering his options.

Anyway - there’s an easy way not to let a man waste your time: don’t give him too much time to waste. Set yourself a deadline of like 6 months. Be yourself, fun, relaxed and no-pressure for six months. Wait and see what the man of the moment does. If he steps up and clearly wants to get serious within those 6 months, great! (You’ll know.) But if not, move on to the next man.

@MacbookHo’s advice sounds spot on.

I have snagged him yes. I like tog et that out the way nice and early!

He hasnt changed towards me. If I hadn't asked him., there'd be no difference. Lots of contact and we've seen each other since. He seems 'keen', I just didnt know what to make of the comment.

Tbh, I dont get more attached after sex. I can have sex with someone I dont particularly fancy if I've got an itch that needs scratching so to speak. It makes no difference to me.

I think I'm going to give it 6 months and see what happens then. After all, with lockdown and winter coming, there isnt much else to do!

Shagged. Auto correct didnt like that!

I think you do need to clarify with him because you know what you want. You can't ignore your wants because you are unclear on where he stands and you don't want to be spending 6 months with someone who may decide he just wants casual after all.

Be aware though that he could easily say he is looking for something more serious but not really mean it. Keep an eye on actions as well as words.

I'm not trying to be negative BTW, I hope it works out!

SnoriSnorrison

Yes, I know. I was thinking about it last night. I know I can do casual relationships without getting hurt. We're heading into winter in another lockdown that may or may not be extended/repeated. 6 months would take me up to Easter. Even 3 or 4 months would take me through the winter. I'm hardly going to be missing out in meeting anyone else - I can't go anywhere or do anything anyway!

So maybe it wouldnt be the end of the world if I had some fun, company and sex for a few months. If I knew it were only going to be short term then I'd manage my expectations accordingly, make sure he didn't become a part of my wider life and not develop feelings - which is all I have done previously.

I understand, I can do casual as well as long as I know where I stand.
That's the important bit though, I wouldn't keep him for company if he continues to be evasive.

Good luck!