New man query - "I don't know what I'm looking for."

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I've been dating someone for a couple of weeks.

It's obviously very early days - no feelings beyond I like him and I fancy him. That's all. I'm not really one for falling in love easily or deciding "this is 'the one'!" In fact, I've never felt like that about anyone I've dated. Ever. I'm in my 40s.

This weekend, we had a bit of a chat about what each of us wants from a relationship (not this one specifically just in general).

I've a very turbulent relationship history. I have a habit of dating men knowing that I definitely wouldn't have considered them for a LTR because a LTR wasn't what i was looking for. I definitely didn't want them to develop 'feelings' for me and I knew that the relationship definitely had an end point which had nothing to do with compatibility or them and was purely determined by what I did/didn't want for my life. The thought of commitment or 'feelings' terrified me and sent me hurling in the other direction. I suppose I was a bit of a 'commitmentphobe'.

Anyway, I've reached a point in my life where I would actually like a proper relationship. I obviously don't think that every man I meet is going to be the man I grow old with, but I know that I'm no longer really interested in ongoing 'monogamous but casual' relationships and I would like to meet someone to have a proper relationship with. I suppose I'd like to allow feelings to develop. It would be nice to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me.

I'm finding that this is a difficult conversation to have with men. They assume that, when I bring this up, I'm covertly asking them to make a promise or a commitment or a guarantee to me there and then - which I'm not. But i do know what I'm looking for and what i want and i don't want to spend months dating someone who knows from the outset that they definitely don't want anything more. Is this unrealistic?

So we had the conversation and he just said that he didn't know what he was looking for and felt it was too early to be discussing 'commitment' type stuff. Obviously it's way to early for that with regards to him and me and I was a bit horrified that he thought that's what I was asking for. But "I don't know what I want yet" is something I used to say in order to keep men at a distance so that they didn't get too close. It's also what the last guy I dated said to me as a euphemism for "I'm enjoying seeing you now but I definitely don't see you in my future." Which is how I used to mean it too really.

I didn't push it but I think I'm just a bit thrown by the response. I know you can't know after a couple of weeks and a handful of dates if someone is the person you want to be with but I knew I didn't want that with anyone at all.

I've seen other women on here advised to have that decision early on, esp if they want marriage and children (I'm ambivalent about the former and I definitely dont want the latter!) but men seem to be less certain. Or are they?

In case it's relevant, I'm autistic and very clear in my thoughts. I know what I want/don't want and don't seem to have any ambiguity. I suppose I'm just wondering if the "I don't know what i want yet" is a general NT uncertainty or a deliberate ambiguity to confiscate.

I strongly believe men know very early doors, like the first few dates if you're someone they want a relationship with or not. They may not know if it's going to last, or if it's love, but they feel enough to know they want you in their lives as a committed gf.

I would take his lukewarm response to mean he isn't interested in a relationship. With you. But enjoys your company and has enough chemistry to keep seeing you till he meets someone better/gets bored. If you want a relationship, I'd start looking elsewhere.

Honestly, he's keeping his options open.

His response sounds healthy. Your need for black and white certainty is what is making this difficult for you. With all relationships, you need to be open and ready to wait and see what happens, in the 'getting to know you' stage.

Even if he sees you as a potential LTR, it's quite uncomfortable to say that after 2 weeks. He's doing 'wait and see'. If he's not, and he was avoiding saying 'I'm just after a few quickies, really', then the signs will show soon enough. But you, too, will have to wait and see.

Eckhart

Thanks. Yes, I know my black and white thinking is an issue here.

I think it's one of the reasons I've always chosen monogamous but casual relationships. It didn't really matter what they wanted, I already knew what I did and was in control.

I know he's already told his friends about me. He's very good natured and he asked me to be his girlfriend. He's been utterly lovely to me so far and already knows I am autistic so has clarified a few things he said that he realised might be a bit ambiguous. He gets it.

He's been the right level of complimentary without lovebombing or doing/saying anything that makes me want to run a mile.

He's said he's not interested in seeing anyone else and wants to see where it goes with us.

Some dating platforms actually ask what are you looking for, casual, meeting new people, friendship or relationship. I think it is different to say im looking to settle down abd thats why im dating and i want ti settle diwn with you. One is normal even at dating intro paragraph and the other is no bonkers after 2 weeks.

I think that you're the one blowing hot and cold here, not him.

He's shown you that he respects and likes you, and wants to be exclusive.

But you have come up with some reason to back off from him immediately

I don't think you're as ready for a LTR as you are telling us. And if you are, then you need to look at how he's behaving, not double guessing what a casual comment means.

This is you, panicking about having an actual LTR and all it entails, not just the fantasy of what you think you are ready for in your head.

What you are doing here is coming up against the reality of a LTR - which is that in order to have one, you have to be emotionally invested. And the minute you are emotionally invested, you hand some control over your emotional wellbeing to the other party. That's the way it is with love.

Can you do that, is the question?

One is normal even at dating intro paragraph and the other is no bonkers after 2 weeks.

Well it's the normal one I'm interested in, not the bonkers one. I don't know what he had put on his dating profile.

What you are doing here is coming up against the reality of a LTR - which is that in order to have one, you have to be emotionally invested

I know. That's what I've always avoided.

Can you do that, is the question?

I dont know! I guess I'm going to find out though.

This is you, panicking about having an actual LTR and all it entails, not just the fantasy of what you think you are ready for in your head.

Yes, I think you're right.

OK, now we're got that sorted, you can take a deep breath and enjoy spending some time with a guy who sounds absolutely lovely!

In fairness when someone asks me what I want i always say I don't know because honestly I don't know. I was with my ex for 14 years and I never expected that to end after being together that long. I suppose I'm scared of falling in love again because the heartbreak of splitting up last time was so great. I'm talking to someone at the moment who is going through what I went through so I know if I explain to him he would understand. He has also said he doesn't know what he wants.

PaperTowels

That sounds like a good idea! Thanks for the persepctive.

Isitreally77

The emotional pain is what I've always tried to avoid and have been pretty successful. It also means that i haven't had the good stuff either though so I need to change something about how I do things.

I've always been a committment phobe as has my DH. Not insofar as I would cheat but I always like autonomy and my own agenda far more than I cared about any relationship. Some of that selfishness does have to give when you're in a proper relationship and its a leaning curve I'm still very much on (moreso than DH to be fair who seems to have cracked it).

If you'd have asked me two weeks in where a relationship was going or what I wanted I would have been instantly switched off. The good news is he doesnt appear to be, thats a result! So my advice to you is LTR dont sprout overnight, nor can they be predicted. They have to evolve naturally and for that to happen you have to make a conscience decision to invest and take a risk of getting blown out or hurt. Its not something that requires a big conversation or any kind of agreement between you - its innate if it's going to happen. You're two weeks in and you really should just focus on getting to know this guy and deciding whether he's someone you could see a future with (again you dont need to discuss this - this in internal brain work!!)

Enjoy the moment. Leave the emotional door ajar and see if he comes through it of his own volition, without coaching or enquiry.

If you'd have asked me two weeks in where a relationship was going or what I wanted I would have been instantly switched off

I didn't switch off. I welcomed the opportunity to be able to say that wasn't looking for anything long term so that everyone knew where they stood. Or sometimes I said I didn't know but they meant the same thing!

I can see how that would he the case if someone had asked if I saw a future with them specifically. That would have been instant switch off.

I'm not really fussed about a burgeoning relationship ending after a couple of weeks because someone is put off by me asking because that inherently means that they're not after what I'm after. I'd rather know now than allow feelings to develop.

If even just asking the 'what sort of relationship do you want?' question of someone who has been on a dating site, who is there because they have clearly made a conscious decision to be, is too big a question then they're definitely not looking for what I'm looking for.

I want to be with someone who can be direct and who I can be direct with. That's what I need.

I've got so many NT friends who 'knew' very quickly that they had met someone special. That doesnt mean their relationships have been plain sailing or always easy, but it does mean that many of them knew very quickly that they saw this person as someone they wanted to be with.

Many of them have been together for 20 or 30+ years. There are 18 year olds who've had relationships lasting longer than I have!

Maybe it really is too late after all.

Maybe it really is too late after all.

You're really trying to talk yourself out of this, aren't you?

Loads of people have long, happy relationships who didn't "know" within two weeks if they were the one. And loads of people who "knew" go on to split up, etc!

Theres nothing wrong with asking someone what they are looking for (relationship wise, in general).

It's date two conversation.

If they take offence to the question then they've got issues or are planning in seriously fucking tou over.

Asking someone what they want from you specifically however, is something I would put off till a fair few dates in. But that's not the same thing.

You should be able to ask someone early on what they want. Even if the a swe is that they arent sure. It shouldnt cause them offense or create drama.

You're really trying to talk yourself out of this, aren't you?

Well, it just seems easier that way.

Theres nothing wrong with asking someone what they are looking for (relationship wise, in general)

Good. That's all I did. And I made it clear I was asking generally and not specifically.

If they take offence to the question then they've got issues or are planning in seriously fucking tou over.

Good. So if it turns out bringing it up was a problem for him, then better to know now rather than later.

Not emotionally invested myself in any case. Still looking at him and working out whether he is someone I want to be with or not myself. Finding out what sort of relationship he wants was part of that.

But why does it matter what sort of relationship he wants if you're not decided what you want with him yet either ? That makes no sense. Because if he wanted a long term relationship with you, you're not there anyway 🤔

It sounds very one way this situation. You want to hear from him that's he wants a long term relationship (of course with a view to it being with you or else the answers totally irrelevant anyway!) but you're actually not that bothered about him.

My partner said similar early on. He's autistic himself. He had come out of a longish relationship which ended and didn't quite want casual nor get in too deep again. We continued seeing how it went and just enjoy each other's company and things have blossomed between us. He said later that our relationship wasn't what he expected but because of the obvious connection, he went with it as did I. I think you should see how things go but have a time limit in your head by which you can see if it's heading in the right direction. I've found in the past that just because some men say they know what they want, it isn't always the case anyway so I think your person is just being honest. It's too much to decide early on so he's seeing how it all goes.

I didn't say I'm not bothered about him at all.

I said I'm still trying to weigh up whether he's someone I would want to be with or not and this is one of the things that would inform my decision.

If he said, "yes, I'm open to a LTR but I've made mistakes in the past and so would want to make sure this time before committing to anything with a you or anyone else." That would be fine.

If he said, "tbh, I'm not really looking for anything long term. I was planning on taking a year out travelling when the covid restrictions have lifted and don't know whether or when I plan to come back. But it would be nice to have someone to spend time with until then." Well, I'd have a decision to make. But i wouldn't allow myself to develop feelings.

I wouldnt expect him to know if he wanted a long term relationship with me after 2 weeks but I would expect someone to know whether that was what they wanted/were open to or not.

I've always known what sort of relationship I wanted. I assumed everyone else did too.

I think the key then, is dont assume.

Let him be who he is and see if you continue to like it and he continues to like you.

Keep it literally as simple as that.