New man query - "I don't know what I'm looking for."

[BrandNewLightbulb]

I've been dating someone for a couple of weeks.

It's obviously very early days - no feelings beyond I like him and I fancy him. That's all. I'm not really one for falling in love easily or deciding "this is 'the one'!" In fact, I've never felt like that about anyone I've dated. Ever. I'm in my 40s.

This weekend, we had a bit of a chat about what each of us wants from a relationship (not this one specifically just in general).

I've a very turbulent relationship history. I have a habit of dating men knowing that I definitely wouldn't have considered them for a LTR because a LTR wasn't what i was looking for. I definitely didn't want them to develop 'feelings' for me and I knew that the relationship definitely had an end point which had nothing to do with compatibility or them and was purely determined by what I did/didn't want for my life. The thought of commitment or 'feelings' terrified me and sent me hurling in the other direction. I suppose I was a bit of a 'commitmentphobe'.

Anyway, I've reached a point in my life where I would actually like a proper relationship. I obviously don't think that every man I meet is going to be the man I grow old with, but I know that I'm no longer really interested in ongoing 'monogamous but casual' relationships and I would like to meet someone to have a proper relationship with. I suppose I'd like to allow feelings to develop. It would be nice to fall in love with someone and have them fall in love with me.

I'm finding that this is a difficult conversation to have with men. They assume that, when I bring this up, I'm covertly asking them to make a promise or a commitment or a guarantee to me there and then - which I'm not. But i do know what I'm looking for and what i want and i don't want to spend months dating someone who knows from the outset that they definitely don't want anything more. Is this unrealistic?

So we had the conversation and he just said that he didn't know what he was looking for and felt it was too early to be discussing 'commitment' type stuff. Obviously it's way to early for that with regards to him and me and I was a bit horrified that he thought that's what I was asking for. But "I don't know what I want yet" is something I used to say in order to keep men at a distance so that they didn't get too close. It's also what the last guy I dated said to me as a euphemism for "I'm enjoying seeing you now but I definitely don't see you in my future." Which is how I used to mean it too really.

I didn't push it but I think I'm just a bit thrown by the response. I know you can't know after a couple of weeks and a handful of dates if someone is the person you want to be with but I knew I didn't want that with anyone at all.

I've seen other women on here advised to have that decision early on, esp if they want marriage and children (I'm ambivalent about the former and I definitely dont want the latter!) but men seem to be less certain. Or are they?

In case it's relevant, I'm autistic and very clear in my thoughts. I know what I want/don't want and don't seem to have any ambiguity. I suppose I'm just wondering if the "I don't know what i want yet" is a general NT uncertainty or a deliberate ambiguity to confiscate.

Eesha

Thank you. Yes a time limit is a good idea.

The black and white thinking is an issue. I can see that but there's not a lot i can do about it. All I can do is speak to NT people and try and understand it all a bit better.

Let him be who he is and see if you continue to like it and he continues to like you.

Keep it literally as simple as that.

Thanks. I'll try!

I wish you well honestly OP

He sounds like a good guy and who knows what the future holds for you both - all good stuff hopefully

It’s not too late but this guy isn’t right. Every decent bloke I’ve ever dated has been all up in my grill with excitement and plans for the future and “you are bloody amazing and I want you period” don’t settle for anything less. Find somebody who is so excited by you and isn’t scared of getting into it all.

I just don’t get where people saying he’s not into you are getting it from. He asked you to be official on your second date. He’s told his friends about you. He made sure to check you were on the same page about not having kids. I’m baffled. What more do these people want ?!

It’s not too late but this guy isn’t right. Every decent bloke I’ve ever dated has been all up in my grill with excitement and plans for the future and “you are bloody amazing and I want you period”

I'd be off like a shot if anyone said any of that within 2 weeks! That's got screaming red flags all over it surely?? I'm not sure anyone has ever said anything like that to me.

He has complimented me and 'said the right things' without being OTT.

He asks me to let him know when I'm home safely and checked up on me yesterday because he was concerned that I hadn't messaged and it meant i wasn't back yet. I'd just got a bit lost on the way home in the dark and the rain.

@BrandNewLightbulb I think sometimes we have to take a risk. I know if and when I find someone I'm going to have to take the risk, I don't want to be single for the rest of my life. You'll just know when that person is worth taking that risk for.

Ok. Well we've been messaging back and forth on and off today. I don't appear to have blown it by asking him so I'll try and just relax a bit and see what happens.

Ultimately, if you're having to post on a forum about a relationship after 2 weeks, it's not the relationship for you. Could be the wrong man, could be that you're not ready. The right man at the wrong time is the wrong man.

Tbh, it's more that i don't really have anyone in real life to talk to about things with. I find a lot of things about relationships (of all kinds) difficult and sometimes need to talk stuff through with other people to process it but friends tend to tell you what they think you want to hear which isnt helpful to m. MN is more 'honest' and direct, which is far better.

I'm never going to find it easy. I don't really want to just write off relationships altogether because they don't come easily to me. At least not yet anyway. I learn a lot about myself and other people with each one I have - even if I don't always like what I learn.

But I do find it difficult to manage my emotional responses to them. But that's just autism. I only know one autistic person in a successful relationship and it's only successful because his wife is incredibly tolerant and understanding.

Its the worst part about it.

I'm not in turmoil about it, but this has helped.

I think that using autism as an excuse for not validating yourself is going to lead you into trouble, and perhaps has done in the past.

Struggling with something he said which doesn't fit with your relationship goals isn't due to autism.

I'm never going to find it easy

This looks like 'I have autism so I'm going to have to settle for a difficult relationship', which is not the case. It might be harder to find someone, but ultimately, once you have, you should expect to feel every bit as comfortable as an NT.

I think it's confusing to ask about being bf/gf but not know what he is looking for. I've been clear, when dating, that I'm looking for someone to spend my life with. But also that I wasn't sure if that meant with them at that point. Just that I wanted a long term relationship and not a series of flings.

Notcoolmum

I suppose that was part of it too.

What's the point in asking someone to being your girlfriend but not know what that means?

I've been clear, when dating, that I'm looking for someone to spend my life with. But also that I wasn't sure if that meant with them at that point. Just that I wanted a long term relationship and not a series of flings.

'Spend my life with' sounds a bit big. But yes, I do want a relationship. My dating history has been a series of short flings. I don't want that anymore.

I'm nearly 50. I'd like to grow old(er) with someone. I know it's what I want.

If he knows where he sits with kids, why doesn't he know what sort of relationship he is looking for? You aren't asking him if he sees that with you. Just what his overall intentions towards a relationship are. Assuming you met him on OLD don't we know this when we join? I think it's a reasonable question and one I have on date 2/3.

I know I don't want to get married. Don't want any more kids (too old anyway). Don't want to be with anyone with a very young child. There are other things I'm not sure on. But I have a good idea of the basics.

Assuming you met him on OLD don't we know this when we join?

She didn't, she met him in the pub. Remember pubs.....in the old days....two weeks ago. :)

It's very clear to me you basically asked "are you looking to date casually or are you looking for a serious relationship" and his reply was "I'm not sure"

Agree with the PP that said if he knows where he stands on wanting children, it's hard to imagine he hasn't any idea what type of relationship he wants.

SnoriSnorrison

That's it in a nutshell really, isn't it?

I'm seeing him tomorrow evening - I'm going round after work and he's cooking me dinner. I don't know whether to bring it up to explain what I was asking more succinctly (eg what you have said) or just to assume it's casual and proceed like that.

If I know it's only casual, I will either enjoy it for what it is but won't develop feelings or I'll decide I really don't want that and walk away from it. I don't really want a glimpse of what a relationship could be/look like but for it not to be that either. And I know I've had relationships in the past that 'looked' real but where I wasnt really feeling it. I know I hurt someone by doing this too but I didn't really see it at the time.

I'm not looking for someone to play a parenting role to my children but I do want someone who will get on with them and be part of the family. I don't think I want to live with someone and I wouldn't while I still have children living at home so that is at least 4 or 5 years away for me anyway. But I do want someone I can make plans with and who I can trust and who cares about me and loves me.

It feels like a very big ask though.

It's hard because I don't know anyone with a relationship history as poor as mine. Even people I know who were in unhappy 20 year marriages have gone on to have happy LTRs/marriages afterwards.

I haven't even managed one.

It's just hard knowing that no one has ever looked at me and thought "I love her" or felt lucky to have met me for that i made their life better.

Perhaps i just don't have what it takes!

“The emotional pain is what I've always tried to avoid and have been pretty successful. It also means that i haven't had the good stuff either though so I need to change something about how I do things.”

For me, this is the key point. You are looking for guarantees. There are no guarantees. LTRs involve leaps of faith and risk. It sounds like he is doing the right things and that is the most important thing.

I think you're right.

But because I've never had one, I doubt my ability to now. Which makes being hurt seem all the more likely and there is a level on which I don't even want to try or put myself through it.

I'm also not sure how to 'do' proper relationships either. I'm not sure what they 'look like' from the inside. If that makes sense.

But I do know I'm not going to have one with someone who doesnt want one.

@BrandNewLightbulb I want the same as you, in terms of someone who can be part of my family but you can't have guarantees. My previous partner said all the right things very early on and still it didn't end well. You really need to see how it goes and observe how you both interraction and enjoy things. For example, I've been with my partner 4 months (he's autistic) and I just see how he treats me, how we are together. I try not to think about the future. We both don't want anyone else but at the same time we both aren't planning our weddings. I'm used to being lovebombed but I've realised this doesn't mean someone wants you more. Your man sounds like he's being upfront and honest.

I think it's a bit unusual to be having that conversation early on, especially with someone you're not particularly bothered about anyway. It's nice that you're clear on what you want, but it's best to keep that to yourself, at least until you feell that way about a specific person and you're fairly sure they do too.

I’d be a bit hard to get for a bit.
That’ll drive him demented

RuffleCrow

I didn't say I'm not bothered about him. I like him and I fancy or I wouldnt be bothering to see him. But, yes, its early days so I'm still ascertaining whether he is someone I would want a longer term relationship with or not. I'm not thinking, "oh my god, I love him. He's the one! I've never felt like this about anyone before." Which is good. We're still in "what sort of holidays do you like?" and "what's your opinion on X band?" territory. I'm looking at him and wondering if he'd fit in with my friends and who i think he'd get on with best and I know he's doing the same about me.

So its early days for me and him but I know that I dont want to spend my precious free time and energy getting to know someone who is only looking for someone to date casually for a few months. Or is happy to do the whole 'boyfriend experience' but isnt looking for a relationship. And there's nothing wrong with either of those because I've done them both in the past. But it's not where I am now. I don't want to waste my time.

Between work, family, friends and hobbies (under normal circumstances) and myself, I dont have a lot of free time. I choose who I spend it with carefully.

I'm not looking for guarantees at all. I couldnt offer a guarantee so why would anyone else?

But if we're not even playing the same game then it's not going to work.