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Original poster

Ghosted?! Help me compose a pithy response before I block?

104 replies

40swrinklesandspots · 15/11/2020 21:42

We went to school together 25 years ago - fancied the pants off each other but it never happened. Fast forward and we have always kept in touch in a happy Xmas on Facebook type way.
During lockdown 0.1 we started chatting more and there was a lot of chemistry. I have just come out of a long marriage and not looking for a relationship- think he is similar.
We ended up in a very casual FwB type situation (live opposite ends of country so hard to see each other between kids, logistics, work and not to mention Covid)
But he has always blown a bit hot and cold and to be honest I’ve probably let him get away with more shit than I should have because of the attraction, sexual chemistry and nostalgia. And because he made me feel wanted and fun.
Anyway, we messaged last week and everything was cool- arranged a possible virtual date for that night. Didn’t hear from him. Fine- no pressure-
Life gets in the way. By Saturday hadn’t heard so just sent a message saying hi. No response!
Think he has ghosted Me?
Help me send a message before I block that will make me feel better?
I’m thinking ‘wow! You’ve ghosted me? Cool move dude’ and then blocking ?

OP posts:
Spaghettibetty345 · 16/11/2020 00:35

Wtf why would you block?! He might have something personal going on?

earthyfire · 16/11/2020 00:41

Why don't you just call him? See if he picks up?

OrangeIsTheNewTwat · 16/11/2020 00:47

You sound very needy & high maintenance, considering this is a long distance FWB relationship. Personally I suspect you've screwed this up & he simply hadn't had chance to get back to you yet. Still, I imagine you'll find out eventually, through mutual friends.

PamsterWheel · 16/11/2020 00:56

Takes 1 minute to text to say 'sorry, something's come up, be in touch when I can' 1 minute!

You don't sound needy or high maintenance to me OP.

Unless he's in a coma or had a knock to the head and can't remember who he is he should have the common decency to say can't make it or sorry busy at the mo.

myhobbyisouting · 16/11/2020 02:58

Oh dear. You've completely not got the FWB gene in you. Just leave it how it is now but avoid these types of "relationships", they're not for you. Good luck

Anordinarymum · 16/11/2020 03:03

No response is the best response here OP

pictish · 16/11/2020 06:13

Are you always so extreme?
I’m one of those who said not to message him...but that doesn’t equate to blocking him either. So he hasn’t been in touch for a couple of days, this friend with benefits...and so what? He lives miles away and you have no idea what’s going on.
What’s wrong with just waiting to see?

Too much.

userxx · 16/11/2020 06:21

Silence is golden, he will pop up again at some point, they always do.

isthismylifenow · 16/11/2020 07:02

Personally I would unblock him, and if you are communicating on Whatsapp then archive him. So that you are not tempted to send any messages to him as you wont see him in your threads.

I thinking blocking someone after not getting a reply after one day is just as bad as sending multiple messages in all honesty.

BrandNewLightbulb · 16/11/2020 07:09

I thinking blocking someone after not getting a reply after one day is just as bad as sending multiple messages in all honesty.

Totally agree.

I was seeing someone for a few weeks who did both. Was an utter nightmare dealing with his neediness.

Piwlyfbicsly · 16/11/2020 07:10

@saraclara
Agree completely.
OP, you are too extreme!

Original poster
40swrinklesandspots · 16/11/2020 07:25

Ha ha, ok- I had second thoughts and unblocked at about 4am so hopefully he won’t have seen he was blocked.
I don’t think I’ve been needy, just don’t want to be messed around.
We had messaged on Tuesday and he said it would be lovely to FaceTime later on, he’d see if he could rearrange something. Haven’t heard from him since. A quick message just to say sorry, can’t make it tonight but chat soon would have been nice. But maybe I’m overthinking it!

OP posts:
BrandNewLightbulb · 16/11/2020 07:32

The point is that, in a fwb situation, you're supposed to realise that the other person has stuff going on and that they arent looking to prioritise another person over everything else - which is precisely why they're in a fwb situation and not a relationship.

You can't be 'messed about' by a fwb - the whole point is that you dont owe each other anything. A missed facetime call is nothing. Something came up or he forgot and he'll be in touch when he can.

If you're upset by that, then fwb isn't for you.

Eckhart · 16/11/2020 07:37

It's not that you're overthinking it, OP. You're thinking at the right level for you, and the relationship you want. It's not your thinking that's wrong, it's that the relationship isn't meeting your expectations. Find a relationship that does, and leave this guy behind.

winterishere1 · 16/11/2020 07:54

I think just leave him unblocked on off chance something has happened to him . But definitely leave it be if he does come swanning back .

TurquoiseDragon · 16/11/2020 08:52

@happinessischocolate

You need to find the thread where the bf messaged in the middle of the night saying it's over don't contact me again. The OP didn't, she just took one day at a time and just never said all the things that she desperately wanted to say.

He came crawling back months later shocked that she wasn't bothered and had just moved on. It was so satisfying to read.

I'd agree with this, it's a good thread.

And as others say, indifference is so, so powerful. People want reactions, and no reaction eats at them.

Certainly worked with my ex. I just ignored his messages (though they were fun to read, with his increasing desperate attempts to get a rise out of me). I heard on the grapevine (people do love to talk) that he was at one point doing convincing toddler tantrums.

Coffeepot72 · 16/11/2020 08:53

I totally agree that it only takes 30 seconds to send a quick text, and there aren't many circumstances where this isn't possible. However as no one, including the OP, know if something has cropped up, we're only guessing. But if the OP has already blocked him, then if he does reply today, with "sorry there's been a disaster" then the message won't get through?

It does sound as though the OP has been ghosted, but give it a few more days? I understand the angst when someone you really like goes silent, which is why I've never understood FWB situations, they only work if both parties are genuinely not all that bothered.

Kalula · 16/11/2020 08:57

He's not your boyfriend, so there is no messing around to be had, you don't seem to get it. You aren't even dating. You are definitely needy and demanding and you've blurred the lines between FWB (which means no dates) and someone you are dating. FWB is a casual 'yeah, whatever' thing. You are acting like he stood you up. You're nothing to each other. You don't seem to get it. FWB is nothing like actual real dating. You talk whenever you can or when you next feel like it, that's all. It's good that you unblocked him but your attitude still shows you simply don't get it and you still think you're in the right. Your behaviour is completely irrational and if he finds out you did block him you should apologise to him for your behaviour. You should apologise to him for being so needy and suffocating as it is. I think he has probably sensed you are that way and is deliberately keeping a distance. Men will run a 100 miles in the opposite direction when faced with your behaviour.

MarthasGinYard · 16/11/2020 09:03

'Your behaviour is completely irrational and if he finds out you did block him you should apologise to him for your behaviour. You should apologise to him for being so needy and suffocating as it is.'

I wouldn't do any of this Op

I'd just re evaluate the situation, and if it's causing you as much angst as is indicated then just leave it.

I think it's in some ways a little too blurry as you know him from years ago.

Coffeepot72 · 16/11/2020 09:04

Kalula don't be too harsh on the OP, she obviously really likes him. And she's only human.

Eckhart · 16/11/2020 09:15

@Kalula

OP needs to apologise for saying 'hi'? Or have I missed something? What is it OP should be apologising for?

Men will run a 100 miles in the opposite direction when faced with your behaviour

Yes, because all men are exactly the same, and none of them could ever possibly meet OP's needs, is that right?

MarthasGinYard · 16/11/2020 09:18

'Men will run a 100 miles in the opposite direction when faced with your behaviour.'

Always, always be cool eh

Don't want the menz running away

AramintaLee · 16/11/2020 09:29

OP well done for unblocking but I think you need to have a long think about what you're after. If you want a relationship, this man probably isn't the one for you. Your initial reaction was very OTT for a FWB situation (which is the definition of casual and no strings) and you acted like a woman scorned.

ShipOfTheseus · 16/11/2020 09:33

The provisional “date” earlier in the week is even less provisional than I had imagined. He said “it would be lovely to FaceTime later on”. That indicates nothing at all, and definitely not a “date” that same day. You’ve read too much into those words, I think.

GrandUnion · 16/11/2020 10:11

@BrandNewLightbulb

The point is that, in a fwb situation, you're supposed to realise that the other person has stuff going on and that they arent looking to prioritise another person over everything else - which is precisely why they're in a fwb situation and not a relationship.

You can't be 'messed about' by a fwb - the whole point is that you dont owe each other anything. A missed facetime call is nothing. Something came up or he forgot and he'll be in touch when he can.

If you're upset by that, then fwb isn't for you.

Yes, exactly. Which is why I think the OP either has feelings for this man which make it far more problematic than a FWB situation, and that she's likely to get hurt, or simply that she's a personality type which is just unsuited to the casual, not-a-priority nature of the FWB set-up.