Husband's left at 26 weeks pregnant

[Nc1468]

Has anyone else (unfortunately) experienced this?

We had a fight last night and he told me that he still loves me but doesn't know what he wants and left. I'm in bits.

We've got an 18 month together and I'm 26 weeks pregnant and no idea what to think or to do.

I’m so sorry OP. That is really tough. Do you have any supportive family nearby?

Give him some time to think.
Do you have any reason to suspect that there is something going on like mental health problems, money worries, job security worries, another woman ? Anything at all that is different ?

I don't really have any supportive family but I have a few really good friends who I've spent all night crying to 🤦🏼‍♀️

I lost my job after my maternity leave finished due to COVID so I've had to apply for UC which is crap and we are struggling with money and I know he's stressed about it. He's promised me it's not someone else and I do believe him but who knows.

I'm obviously upset for me but my heart breaks for our kids

You need to sit this out (not easy) and let him calm down. You then need to have a hard discussion about that led him to this drastic action. How does he feel longer term and what are your thoughts?

Frankly doing this to you when 26 weeks pregnant is a shit thing to do and doesn't say much about his character. Do you really want this uncertainty long term?

Where has he gone?
I'm sorry you're going through this.
'I love you but don't know what I want' is unfortunately often used by men having an affair.

I know you're right it's just hard to do.

I can't even imagine myself being a single mum of two, one being a newborn and being alone too. And I worry for the future, will I always be alone.

It's totally out of character for him which is why it's upset me so much I think. But I am so upset he's done this to me whilst I'm pregnant.

Sounds like my 18 month old is up now so gotta put my big girl pants on 😭

He's gone to stay with his mum, luckily she's in our bubble.

I really hope that's not the case but honestly not sure it would surprise me now

So sorry that this has happened. It sounds as if the situation has arisen through sheer stress. Money worries are so difficult to deal with and stress builds up and then gets released through arguments that allows for all sorts of hurtful things to be said. A man usually feels this the most as he feels responsible for the family. Covid has increased anxiety in every respect. I would guess that when he says he doesn’t know what he wants he is probably saying I don’t know what to do. Take some deep breaths and try to keep calm for the sake of yourself and your children. Give him time and space. Be kind to yourself and to him.

I've got DS up and he definitely knows something is up, he's asked for daddy and is just clinging to me which makes this even harder.

I really hope you're right because I really don't want to do this on my own

It’s funny how ‘not knowing what they want’ gives men a way to opt out of life and leave their partner with the difficult bits, isn’t it?

I think you need to make him really think about the consequences of his behaviour. Don’t make it easy for him to just wander back in because he wants to. Make sure he he knows that if he’s back it’s because you LET him back. On YOUR terms. Running off to mummy right now is a dick move. Make sure that everyone knows what he’s done. Don’t protect his feelings right now. He’s been a coward. Let him deal with the fallout.

So he’s fucked off and left you to deal with the toddler while he goes crying to mummy? What a Prince.

@InescapableDeath

It’s funny how ‘not knowing what they want’ gives men a way to opt out of life and leave their partner with the difficult bits, isn’t it?

This was my thought too. He’s left you to do all the child care and general ‘wife work’. How kind.

I would be telling him that while he’s taking time processing his thoughts he can spend some time with child.

So 6 months ago he was TTC and planning a life with 2 children and now he doesn't want his family at all? What happened in those months? Did he lose his job security, or has he been going out more, or acting suspiciously on his phone?
I agree with pp that unfortunately you need to hold it together and wait until more of the truth comes out.
If it's stress about money and job security that might be fixable.
You said you were arguing. What about? What's the relationship usually like?

Ask home which half of the week he wants to do his 24/7 share of the parenting. That'll focus his mind soon enough.

Well he knew what he wanted while he was getting you pregnant ffs. Agree with PP, he's pissed off to his mum's and left you to deal with the difficult bits, which involves consoling your confused child. I don't think you should even let him come back. If he can do this once, he can do it again. Wouldn't it be better to get used to doing it on your own now?

@Nc1468
Firstly I’m sorry you are going through this. It must be worrying and stressful to say the least.
It’s the usual rhetoric on MN that he must be having an affair but that is often not the case so I would park those thoughts for the moment as they are not helpful to paving your way forward.
You say you had a fight last night.....was it about this or did he say what he said about not sure what he wants in response to what you were arguing about? What was the argument about and Have you been arguing a lot lately or was this a one off?

You say you lost your job so I understand it must be stressful for you. You also said he has been very stressed. I assume he is working and ultimately the main breadwinner. People argue more when they are stressed. Do you think it’s possible he maybe having a breakdown of sorts?

@WB205020

We've not been arguing at all so was really out of the blue. I won't go too into details as it's quite specific and don't won't to ID myself really, but the basic premise is that I've been struggling with very strong willed 18 month old during lockdown for the second time, and whilst I appreciate he works during the week he doesn't help enough when he is home imo.

Yes he works 50hrs a week and I completely appreciate that isn't easy and it must be stressful for him to provide for us especially as we get so little from UC so if that is the cause I completely understand why he's stressed but I'm just hurt he's left me with our toddler whilst 26 weeks pregnant. Still no sign of him yet

If my adult son turned up on my doorstep leaving a pregnant wife and toddler , I would give him a cup of tea , chat and pack him off home .

Do you own your own home? Is he employed, do either of you have pensions? Even of it all turns out fine (and I'm afraid I agree with PPs that he sounds like a man having an affair), he is at minimum unreliable and you need to have a total handle on the finances and return to work after baby is born as quickly as you can (as in, around 18 mos time, or so).

Fill you mind with planning and solutions for you and the kids. If you/he own the house DO NOT move out. Your particularly vulnerable circumstances may enable you to stay in it for a time if you divorce.

@cptartapp

Ask home which half of the week he wants to do his 24/7 share of the parenting. That'll focus his mind soon enough.

and this is a good tactic? Make him see his children as a burden ? Force him back ?

Are you going to manage the rent and bills on your own if he doesn't come back?
As well as dealing with the emotional shock, you'll need to think ahead about financial stuff.

We do own our house. I just don't want to have to deal with this at all but looks like I have no choice now.

Nope, unless UC can help out if he does leave for good

Just coming in to say how absolutely crap for you even just in the practical sense right now - ‘I hear you’re struggling with our wilful child, especially with being heavily pregnant in a pandemic, to help with this I’m going to have an existential crisis, strike at the root of our relationship and fuck off to my mums’.

Is she the type to send him back with a flea in his ear or will she be making him tea and toast just how he likes it right now?

So sorry. How the hell any men managed to rule the world given many men’s inability to deal with stressful family times and their patchy sense of morality and responsibility I have no idea.

Working 50 hours a week will be less than you put in looking after DC, growing another and running the house- it's not an excuse for fucking off. Hope you're ok OP.