He spends all free time with his ex

[whlp]

My boyfriend spends all weekend with his ex , they eat dinner every night together , they have a two year old. They do stuff together eg walks. Am I unreasonable to not like this. He justifys it as time spent with his child. Why doesn’t he see his child without her?

Yes having an arrangement in place would feel normal to me and I suggested it.my kids see their dad and I don’t want to hang out with him! When I questioned why he doesn’t suggest an arrangement - He said ‘I can’t take her away from her mum’

@Bunnymumy

Yeah it sounds like he just wants to have the best parts of two things. Irrigardless of the feelings and inconvenience to the other ppl involved.

I have a feeling he is probably telling his ex that they may work things out. I have trouble believing she would let him stay over at the weekend if she thought they were 100 percent over.

I think he is a manipulator.
He isn't contacting you because he is expecting you to get in touch first, grovel and infact tell him you will continue to tolerate his behaviour.

Sod that.

I’m feeling I agree with this

Maybe I should contact / ask her ?

OP if his ex does still have feelings for him and thinks that they may get back together then he is being cruel to her.
If he says that it doesn't matter what you think then he is being cruel to you.

Do you really need someone like this in your life?

I have just become a single parent and am quite a bit older than you. Yes it is daunting but there are also plusses.

As another PP said a man should enhance your life. It doesn't sound as if this is the case with your relationship.

Whatever you decide you have to do what is best for you. It sounds as if you know in your heart what that is.

How long have you been dating him op?

If its beyond 6 months and you are pursuing things further then absolutely I would be expecting to meet her, as the new gf. Even just as a passing thing.

But tbh...I wouldnt continue with someone like him. He basically told you your feelings dont matter. That isnt bf material.

Actually I agree with a lot of what's written on here, and the usual mumsnet men haters jumping on a situation, to put the boot in to someone unsure.
Firstly OP, if you're not happy about the situation yourself, then act on it (which it sound slike you have). However do that for you, not for anyone else. Just because other people can't understand a situation, doesn't make it a lie.
When I split with my ds dad when he was 20 months old, the guilt was immense. I'd had a child to be the best mother I could, and to give my child the best family upbringing I could. I felt I'd failed, I felt horrendous he would grow up split between two households and the whole thing just filled me with guilt. So I used to have his dad round, we went on days out, we had meals, we spent time together so neither of us missed moments with our child and our child didn't miss out on a 'normal' family atmosphere. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't stand the guy, he had treated me badly but absolutely worshiped his child. So I put up with it for the sake of my child.
Whne I met my OH, he had 3 children with his ex, who they shared custody of, but it was just easier for the kids to stay at their home, and he visited, or spent time there, as well as with his own place. They still did (and do!) family dinners, birthday dinners, special occasions etc and stayed amicable for the sake of the kids. We've been together years now, and as the kids have got older, the households have become more 'seperated' but just because two parents are trying to deal with a seperation of a family unit and the guilt they'll no doubt feel, doesn't mean there Re still romantic feelings involved or that their feelings for a new partner are any less authentic.
Now don't get me wrong, that situation is not for everyone. Of course there were times I was frustrated with either my own situation or my OH's but both of us were just trying to do right by our children. However this may not be for you. That's fine, and understandable. But make thta decision based on your feelings not of strangers on an Internet forum that jump straight to the cheating or shit dad answer. Neither have to be the case.

@Bunnymumy

How long have you been dating him op?

If its beyond 6 months and you are pursuing things further then absolutely I would be expecting to meet her, as the new gf. Even just as a passing thing.

But tbh...I wouldnt continue with someone like him. He basically told you your feelings dont matter. That isnt bf material.

Yes more than 6 months nearly 2 years. So yes just after child was born. she confirmed it to me as being over , so I am certain they are not romantically involved. Her new bf has also been on the scene and met people as a couple. But I think she is holding out for her ex and makes things convenient for him as it works for her. I just thought he’d sort things out quicker. But he asked for time and I respected that and waited . he was in spare room and then moved out and then when lockdown. 1 happened his wages were cut so he moved back to spare room but has since moved out again. He pays for the house she is in and has said he will until child is 3 allowing time for her to find somewhere.

@baileys6904

Actually I agree with a lot of what's written on here, and the usual mumsnet men haters jumping on a situation, to put the boot in to someone unsure. Firstly OP, if you're not happy about the situation yourself, then act on it (which it sound slike you have). However do that for you, not for anyone else. Just because other people can't understand a situation, doesn't make it a lie. When I split with my ds dad when he was 20 months old, the guilt was immense. I'd had a child to be the best mother I could, and to give my child the best family upbringing I could. I felt I'd failed, I felt horrendous he would grow up split between two households and the whole thing just filled me with guilt. So I used to have his dad round, we went on days out, we had meals, we spent time together so neither of us missed moments with our child and our child didn't miss out on a 'normal' family atmosphere. Don't get me wrong, I couldn't stand the guy, he had treated me badly but absolutely worshiped his child. So I put up with it for the sake of my child. Whne I met my OH, he had 3 children with his ex, who they shared custody of, but it was just easier for the kids to stay at their home, and he visited, or spent time there, as well as with his own place. They still did (and do!) family dinners, birthday dinners, special occasions etc and stayed amicable for the sake of the kids. We've been together years now, and as the kids have got older, the households have become more 'seperated' but just because two parents are trying to deal with a seperation of a family unit and the guilt they'll no doubt feel, doesn't mean there Re still romantic feelings involved or that their feelings for a new partner are any less authentic. Now don't get me wrong, that situation is not for everyone. Of course there were times I was frustrated with either my own situation or my OH's but both of us were just trying to do right by our children. However this may not be for you. That's fine, and understandable. But make thta decision based on your feelings not of strangers on an Internet forum that jump straight to the cheating or shit dad answer. Neither have to be the case.

Thank you this is helpful

Op def run a mile this sounds waaaaayyyy to complicated !

If he were empathetic towards you and wanted to work things out then maybe but just saying ‘that’s how it is’.. well, I honestly think you will be a lot happier out of it. That sort of stress is terrible !

Just to add, myself and OH have been together around 10 years now, have merged families, and have a sickeningly happy relationship.
For me, it was well worth it, but I also felt reassured and we communicated well. There were some insecure blips on my part, but more if it was a sunny Bank Holiday and they were having a family bbq for a birthday etc and I had no plans. However, sat here now, it was worth it

@whlp

My boyfriend spends all weekend with his ex , they eat dinner every night together , they have a two year old. They do stuff together eg walks. Am I unreasonable to not like this. He justifys it as time spent with his child. Why doesn’t he see his child without her?

My ex and I for 7 years co patented exactly like this fine, until his new gf interfered and cause so much trouble between him and his kids, that he has not seen them in 2 years. Don't be that girl, I can tell you this, in my case there was genuinely nothing romantic or sexual going on, we choose to parent this way for our children's benefit, your insecurities @whlp are your own to deal with.

@GalaxyCookieCrumble you can’t have a new relationship in your style of parenting After divorce . Not exactly a tempting prospect !

@whlp
It's shit but you win.
You get to walk away with your dignity while she's got a baby and an ex hanging around her all the time despite him 'not giving a shit' about her feelings ...It isn't romantic, It isn't 'co-parenting' ' It's him deciding he will be in her house for dinner and he seems fairly entitled and coercive. "I don't care if DDs Mum ends up getting hurt by me being in her house all the time OR if you get hurt by me being there"

"I can't take her away from her mum" did make me laugh though! She'll be at nursery soon whatever will he do??

Entitled and coercive???

Oh come on, don't be ridiculous. Let's not try and label stuff as abusive behaviour when there is zero proof it's either.

2 parents can make decisions based on the welfare of their child or children in a healthy manner. It may not be your idea of perfection, but it doesn't have to be.

Why would you put yourself through this? His life is extremely weird and complicated. Do you think so little of yourself that you can’t find yourself somebody who doesn’t have all this rubbish going on? Is he really that special that you’d tolerate this? Don’t you want somebody who only has you to think about. Don’t you think you’re actually cheating yourself here? You know this isn’t right which is why you’re on here. Come on. Nobody else would put up with this so why are you?

Personally because there is a child involved I would step back from this

The fact they spend time together shows they do get along and without other people around they may well get back together which would be in child best interest

It's sounds very complicated and I would just drop out of it for now

I think there is unfinished business between them which you don't need to be a part of

I would find someone who is in a less Complicated situation

V wise words !

@baileys6904

Entitled and coercive???

Oh come on, don't be ridiculous. Let's not try and label stuff as abusive behaviour when there is zero proof it's either.

2 parents can make decisions based on the welfare of their child or children in a healthy manner. It may not be your idea of perfection, but it doesn't have to be.

Man if only there were a better way of describing that attitude of

Fuck you, I do what I want, I don't care if I hurt you, I don't care if I hurt her, if you challenge me on my shitty treatment of you I'll make up some shit about you hating me being a dad/being jealous/DDs mum being difficult so you feel guilty.

Entitled and Coercive behaviour is abusive by default, abuse is not just smashing shit and punching people.

I also doubt 2 parents are deciding anything as One of them is a coercive prick with massive entitlement issues and the other likely doesn't know the full story either. .

Aww sweetie, you haven't read the comments have you. Not only was I absolutely aware of what was going on, I encouraged it and completely understood. Guess what, he wasn't a prick either.

10 years later, I have an amazing relationship with his kids, they are brilliantly adjusted to the dynamics of a split house hold, ex wife is due to remarry within months and all in all, what could have caused massive issues for 4 kids, havent. As a child of a toxic divorce, I know how absolutely screwed up it made me throughout my early adult years.

I'm proud of how everyone has come out of the 'broken home' situation.

Lovely attitude BTW.

Eh? Good for you. Not sure why you think I was commenting on your situation but whatever Sugar pie hunny bun

Thanks for all your comments. Without wanting to make a rushed decision I met with the ex yesterday. She text and asked me to meet so I said yes. Was bit weird . She agreed it wasn’t an ideal situation. She also said she accepts that it will have to change and she wasn’t happy with it ( neither is her bloke) she also said she didn’t like the idea of her child away from her ever, but she accepts it is going to have to happen to allow everyone to move on with their lives. It felt like a positive outcome. So I will see..

Has he been in touch since last week? I doubt he will be very happy with you 'interfering' in his arrangements. Is he much younger than you?

No one is going to be able to say anything to make this any easier for you because you are CHOOSING to ALLOW this treatment .
The bottom line is you either think you deserve better or you don’t ?
Currently you’re behaving like you don’t deserve any better treatment than he’s giving so you will have a man who treats you that way
The minute you stop allowing such treatment , people who treat you poorly ie him will leave your life and better people will enter
It’s your call
Sorry but it’s true

I gave it a chance since my last post and I’m not going to anymore. Everyone was right - I’ve been treated appallingly again and it’s been an awful experience.

Sorry to read this OP. Like others said upthread, you choose how you want to be treated. It's a hard learning curve. Hope you are ok tonight.