He spends all free time with his ex

[whlp]

My boyfriend spends all weekend with his ex , they eat dinner every night together , they have a two year old. They do stuff together eg walks. Am I unreasonable to not like this. He justifys it as time spent with his child. Why doesn’t he see his child without her?

How long have you been together OP???

OP, I can see how sensitive you feel about all this, so please don’t take what im saying as criticism or meanness. I know what it’s like not not be able to see the wood for the trees!

It sounds like your focus is on finding a man so that you have a family unit rather than being a single parent. That’s not going to benefit either you or your children. Already you’re putting up with being treated not very nicely...that’s not good for anyone!

You say you a terrified of being a single mum...I would be too! But it sounds like that’s what you need to focus on now. What can you do to be the best single parent you can be? Parenting courses? Therapy? I’m certainly not saying you are a bad mum, but you seem to be looking for a man to solve your problems when really you need to be looking at yourself.

Your children need the best mum they can have, not a random stepfather to come in and save the day. I think while you are looking for a person to solve your problems, then your decision making and man-picking skills are going to be dodgy.

You are enough for your kids. Putting up with unsuitable men just because they’ll fill the gap in your life can only end badly.

Parenting is hard, I know. Please focus on yourself for the time being and then when other relationships come along you’ll be in a healthier place with more self-respect, stronger and with good boundaries.

Hi @whlp

You can decide what is acceptable for you and if he can’t meet your needs then I wouldn’t carry on

If he truly cared how you felt he would discuss and find a way forward

This is so common when a relationship ends with a child - the woman often uses it to control the ex ime

Save yourself a lot of heartache and state how you want your relationship to be xx

Ps when I first split I was convinced I had to recreate a family with another man

A few years on and I am sooooo glad I didn’t go for blended family - me and my dp retain our own houses and bring kids together sporadically

It works so well for us - I now am so happy and content when it’s just me and my kids tbh - I never ever thought I would feel that !!!

he said he doesn’t care if she gets wrong impression or if I don’t like it. Either way he will carry on if it means he sees his daughter hassle free

Op, I also thought you were very young. If you have been in a long relationship it feels strange to be single but over time you start to enjoy it. You need to grieve over the loss of family life, it takes time but you will heal. Many, many women, myself included, enjoy life as a single person, it is much more preferable than being on a bad relationship. It sounds as of your split from your ex is probadly recent and you haven't given yourself enough time to grieve, find out who you are and heal.

However this man is showing you who he is..he doesn't care about his Ex or have respect for her, despite having a very young child with her so must have had a "good" relationship in the recent past. This is such a good indication of how he will treat you. Please listen to what he is telling you.

It is all about HIM, not his child, not his Ex and certainly not you. He is utterly selfish and seeking to get the women in his life dancing to his tune. Throw him back, he sounds like a user.

@Emmie12345

Ps when I first split I was convinced I had to recreate a family with another man

A few years on and I am sooooo glad I didn’t go for blended family - me and my dp retain our own houses and bring kids together sporadically

It works so well for us - I now am so happy and content when it’s just me and my kids tbh - I never ever thought I would feel that !!!

Thank you this sounds very positive

He's definitely not your boyfriend.

I've always found it fascinating just how many men use having a child with an ex as a stick to beat the current girlfriend with. The child parent relationship is sacred obviously but some men do use it as power as they know it can't be questioned. Even very reasonable requests from the current partner can be easily dismissed or passively aggressively diverted with veiled accusations of them "trying to get between me and my kids!" I should know I watched my ex do it multiple times with our children. I was always so glad not to be stuck with him anymore.

@whlp aw big hug I know how stressful it can be
How long has he and his ex been split ?

My dp and I in our early days has some awful rows re his ex and me feeling he was still playing the husband role

It took time for him to work out how to be a father and co-parent not husband to his ex..stressful for you though ( x

Just a thought, if he left her with a two year old when she still apparently has feelings for him...that's really cunty. And if the reason he left was apparently her behaviour then why is he still over there 24/7? And if she still gas feelings for him then that is really cruel of him to stay over at hers ect and give her false hope.

In his own words, he has told you that he foesnt care how either of you feel. He has told you exactly who he is: A cunt. Listen.

You deserve better OP. Put it down to experience and find someone with much less baggage who actually has room for a partner in his life xx who knows who is around the corner !

@Emmie12345

You deserve better OP. Put it down to experience and find someone with much less baggage who actually has room for a partner in his life xx who knows who is around the corner !

Thank you x

It’s so hard after marriage ends and you are in the complex world of second time !

But you must have strong boundaries and stand up for what you want as nobody else will !

Take care ! Get on match.com ?? X

💐💐💐 I just wanted to comment that I know a couple like this who split when their children were very young 4 & 2 and they have never lived together fully but never found other partners. I used to think they were sensible but 15 years later I think they are living a weird limbo life that isn’t great for either of them.

@whlp

I don’t want to be the bad person because he says it’s time with his child

You're not the bad person. He is!

Find your self-respect and ditch him

@AnneLovesGilbert

How long have you been together? They’re either still together or he can’t be arsed parenting his child by himself. Neither inspires much optimism.

Find someone less complicated.

Yup.

@Ritasueandbobtoo9 yeah I think my dp ex wanted this (until I came on the scene )

She is single still

Shame for all tbh - why bother splitting ? X

Sorry OP, you sound like a good person but unfortunately I don’t think he is. You deserve better.

I think he is sooking up to her in the hope she will take him back. You are just a back up plan. Perhaps someone he uses for companionship when she is busy and he has nothing to do. I’m so sorry.

Drop him a message and say that as your relationship is clearly over when would be convenient for you to drop his stuff off and if he could box up your stuff you’ll collect at the same time? (You going over means you control how long you stay rather than him coming to yours and dawdling, you want this over in five minutes).

Sorry OP. He’s a dick. She’s welcome to him.

Regardless of the reasons why and what; if he does something which makes you unhappy and refuses to stop, the relationship will have to end.

He is being unreasonable and uncaring in his attitude to you.

A man should enhance your life and not be the main focus of your life.

You need to embrace the single life and find happiness in other things like yourself, your children, your job, your hobbies, your home, your family, your friends etc

Once you are happy within yourself you can then look for a man to enhance your life.

@SortingItOut

A man should enhance your life and not be the main focus of your life.

You need to embrace the single life and find happiness in other things like yourself, your children, your job, your hobbies, your home, your family, your friends etc

Once you are happy within yourself you can then look for a man to enhance your life.

Thank you. I wish it was that easy. I’ve still not heard from him and feel I might not.

The way you ended your last message to him sorta sounded like you were taking charge and saying you know what is and isn't acceptable for you though. So that's good.

I think you could pretty much just block him now op. Don't give him a chance to erode your boundaries further.

@Bunnymumy

The way you ended your last message to him sorta sounded like you were taking charge and saying you know what is and isn't acceptable for you though. So that's good.

I think you could pretty much just block him now op. Don't give him a chance to erode your boundaries further.

Yeah the call ended with me saying ‘I don’t need to have a think about it ‘ essentially I know that I don’t need to decide if him being with his ex is acceptable or not. Yes it’s great he wants to get along and be there for his daughter but does that need to be 7.30am -9pm every day ( work in between) and every weekend he doesn’t see me all day and going out doing stuff together. When he got his own place I thought it would change but I see no point in him living elsewhere if he is just there to sleep at the end of the day. He may as well have stayed in the spare room.

That's just bizarre.

I would expect him to pick up his kid and have his daughter stay at his home , when it is his turn to do so according to whatever custody arrangement they have, not to spend all the weekends with his 'ex' at her place.

Seems to me like he is juggling two women...and he is probably a flake who can't commit to a relationship.

Get rid.

Yeah it sounds like he just wants to have the best parts of two things. Irrigardless of the feelings and inconvenience to the other ppl involved.

I have a feeling he is probably telling his ex that they may work things out. I have trouble believing she would let him stay over at the weekend if she thought they were 100 percent over.

I think he is a manipulator.
He isn't contacting you because he is expecting you to get in touch first, grovel and infact tell him you will continue to tolerate his behaviour.

Sod that.