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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He spends all free time with his ex

126 replies

whlp · 14/11/2020 22:26

My boyfriend spends all weekend with his ex , they eat dinner every night together , they have a two year old. They do stuff together eg walks. Am I unreasonable to not like this. He justifys it as time spent with his child. Why doesn’t he see his child without her?

OP posts:
StephenBelafonte · 14/11/2020 22:48

How long have you been together?

MammaCookie · 14/11/2020 22:48

You’re not in the wrong here.

You deserve better than this, do you realise that? Some posts may seem harsh but they’re just from women who have seen or lived this time and time again. It’s easier as an outsider looking in.

What does his ex’s new partner think about them spending so much time together? It could well be completely innocent and they’re both this current set up is best for them as parents and their child, but it’s making you unhappy and you have to decide where your line is.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/11/2020 22:48

Who’s said anything about stopping his relationship with his child?! Why can’t he have her at his place, parent her by himself, give her mum a break? Is he paying maintenance?

IceFrost · 14/11/2020 22:50

I’m not being blunt to make you feel like shit but look what he’s doing, he has said he’s going to do it anyway, he doesn’t care about your feelings and that will not change.

IceFrost · 14/11/2020 22:51

It’s also bloody lazy parenting on his behalf if he’s just going there so he doesn’t have to do all the work on his own.

So on top of being a prick to you, he’s also a shit dad and not someone you would want kids with!

TwylaSands · 14/11/2020 22:52

He said he doesn’t care if she gets wrong impression or if I don’t like it

He is a wanker op. Wont parent his own child. Doesnt give a shit about the feeling of his child’s mother. Doesnt give a shit about the feelings of his girlfriend.

Work on your boundaries and expectations. Leave him.

Please tell me you arent already living together!

hennersley · 14/11/2020 22:55

My ex's girlfriend could've said this about me but it was actually because my child wouldn't be alone with him or let me leave. Has your bf been in his life regularly for his entire life? My ex has cut contact with my child now at age 5, he was never a consistent parent

Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 22:56

@Thewithesarehere

Hills ➡️ . Run.
Run where
OP posts:
Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 22:57

@AnneLovesGilbert

Who’s said anything about stopping his relationship with his child?! Why can’t he have her at his place, parent her by himself, give her mum a break? Is he paying maintenance?
He pays for everything for her
OP posts:
MushMonster · 14/11/2020 22:59

I would leave the scene OP.
Too much hassle.

Voice0fReason · 14/11/2020 23:00

You will always come last. He is a dick, and a lazy one at that.
You deserve better.

Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:02

I know what everyone is saying is correct because I felt bad enough to ask the question in the first place. I don’t know why I asked.

OP posts:
Justcause233 · 14/11/2020 23:04

You know the situation before you posted. What do you want people to say? This isn't normal, he sounds selfish. He's using his ex and he doesn't even care if she gets the wrong idea about them so that she can do the work of child rearing and he gets the benefits? He doesn't care if you're upset?

Do what you want. But your eyes are wide open, you know exactly what he is.

nimbuscloud · 14/11/2020 23:04

Sometimes we can’t see the wood for the trees and it’s ok to ask for help.
I’m sure you see that you are not his priority and it’s ok to walk away.

Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:05

@hennersley

My ex's girlfriend could've said this about me but it was actually because my child wouldn't be alone with him or let me leave. Has your bf been in his life regularly for his entire life? My ex has cut contact with my child now at age 5, he was never a consistent parent
Well he does use this an excuse
OP posts:
jelly79 · 14/11/2020 23:05

Don't feel bad OP you want this to work and are trying to navigate what is right and how you are feeling.

I'm sorry I have been the mother in this situation and it's confusing to all. They will be enjoying 'family time' and possibly figuring out whether they can or want to be a family. He may not be being completely honest with you or her. If you have a bad feeling then do the right thing by you and walk away x

Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:10

@StephenBelafonte

How long have you been together?
He says that when he has somewhere he comfortable to live and have his daughter the plan will be to have her at his and not at the house with the ex. He says it will happen over time.
OP posts:
Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:11

@jelly79

Don't feel bad OP you want this to work and are trying to navigate what is right and how you are feeling.

I'm sorry I have been the mother in this situation and it's confusing to all. They will be enjoying 'family time' and possibly figuring out whether they can or want to be a family. He may not be being completely honest with you or her. If you have a bad feeling then do the right thing by you and walk away x

I think you are right
OP posts:
Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:11

Thank you everyone

OP posts:
ThatsAllFolks · 14/11/2020 23:19

Please don't put yourself through this unnecessary pain and lack of consideration. This will take a lot of time for them to work through as they don't think it's wrong. U can do better x

Flutter12 · 14/11/2020 23:24

I have known females to not want the dad to look after his child on his own - sometimes because they are jealous of the new relationship/breakup but sometimes because they have anxieties about a young child being away from them especially if they are breastfed.

I would want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just trying to figure out how to co-parent and neither of them wants to miss out on their child's life by not being there.

I think if they wanted to be together there is nothing stopping them so I don't agree that he is still seeing her or anything.
But you are very much a spare part right now whilst he figures out how to be a part-time parent so it depends on how you feel about this. I'm not sure I would want to be in this relationship.

Papayalady · 14/11/2020 23:29

My ex couldn't cope well with being a dad to his kids from 2 former relationships. As a result he allowed the mother's to dictate his life. I appreciate the context isn't the same as yours, but I felt ignored and a very low priority. I left him as it made me physically and mentally sick. Leave him, hon, before it really gets to you. Don't doubt your feelings about the situation like I did. Know your mind. Then when you're ready, find someone who'll love you enough that he'll somehow make it work. Kids or no kids. xxxx

Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:30

@Flutter12

I have known females to not want the dad to look after his child on his own - sometimes because they are jealous of the new relationship/breakup but sometimes because they have anxieties about a young child being away from them especially if they are breastfed.

I would want to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are just trying to figure out how to co-parent and neither of them wants to miss out on their child's life by not being there.

I think if they wanted to be together there is nothing stopping them so I don't agree that he is still seeing her or anything.
But you are very much a spare part right now whilst he figures out how to be a part-time parent so it depends on how you feel about this. I'm not sure I would want to be in this relationship.

Yes because she appears to have mobbed on too but seems perfectly happy to have him around there all the time which I don’t get. He says she wants the child to feel in a family and puts pressure on him to do this eg insisting they eat dinner at table together
OP posts:
Original poster
whlp · 14/11/2020 23:30

*moved on

OP posts:
NancyPickford · 14/11/2020 23:33

I don't think people are trying to make you feel bad, I think they feel bad on your behalf.
I don't know how old you are, or what your previous relationships have been like, so forgive me, I'm not talking 'down' to you or anything, just speaking with a few years of experience of relationships under my belt.
I think you have to get a bit more self-esteem and realise you are worth more than this half-assed "relationship". It's fantastic he is so caring about his child - no question - but is there ANY room for you in his life? Or are you just a casual girlfriend? Only you know.
I wish you well - there is certainly a man out there for you who will make you his number one priority, love and cherish you.