He spends all free time with his ex

[whlp]

My boyfriend spends all weekend with his ex , they eat dinner every night together , they have a two year old. They do stuff together eg walks. Am I unreasonable to not like this. He justifys it as time spent with his child. Why doesn’t he see his child without her?

It sounds as though he never parented his child on his own and isn't prepared to start now.

@NancyPickford

I don't think people are trying to make you feel bad, I think they feel bad on your behalf. I don't know how old you are, or what your previous relationships have been like, so forgive me, I'm not talking 'down' to you or anything, just speaking with a few years of experience of relationships under my belt. I think you have to get a bit more self-esteem and realise you are worth more than this half-assed "relationship". It's fantastic he is so caring about his child - no question - but is there ANY room for you in his life? Or are you just a casual girlfriend? Only you know. I wish you well - there is certainly a man out there for you who will make you his number one priority, love and cherish you.

Well I met my ex husband when I was 19 and we were together 18 years. I have two children. I have not experienced anything like this as an adult.

‘When he has somewhere comfortable to live’ Or when he has someone else lined up to do his parenting for him.

Let me guess @whlp has he mentioned moving in with you yet?

Sorry OP, get out while it’s still simple

whlp then forgive me, I thought you 'sounded' younger. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with this set up. But of course, it's entirely up to you.

@NancyPickford

whlp then forgive me, I thought you 'sounded' younger. Personally, I wouldn't be happy with this set up. But of course, it's entirely up to you.

Exactly ! I am sounding naive and stupid. What the fuck am I doing.

Well I’m fairly certain he’s made it clear to her but I don’t think she is giving up and by him being with her all the time is facilitating this He has not made anything clear except he likes to be around her every day doing couple shit like eating together so she has nothing to give up on.
He said he doesn’t care
Please listen to him. He doesn't care about you
he doesn't care if she gets wrong impression
He's deliberately acting like they're together. He is not doing the same with you.
or if I don’t like it
Because he doesn't care if he hurts you. He wants to be with her
Either way he will carry on
Because he wants to be with her and you're being used by him. He has spelt it out to you.

Your alleged bf wants to be having dinner with her every night (like a boyfriend does) and he has said outright that he doesn't give a shit about you, he is not going to spend less time with her

He is being very clear. You do not matter.

Being with someone who has children from a previous relationship is difficult. But I am assuming this is both their first child so it is even more difficult.

I don't agree with PPs assuming he is trying not to parent the child/only see the mother. I think he is just trying to be a good dad but there isnt' any boundaries yet.
It is nice they want to eat as a family etc but this can't last.

My brother and his ex had a similar setup and wanted to keep life as normal as possible for their daughter - there were no feelings for each other at all. It was a lovely thought but it didn't work as they ended up arguing too much because they were too close. But it is very difficult to find that balance.

How long have they been apart? Why is he “paying for everything”? How will afford his own place is this continues? How long is he planning to keep supporting her rather than paying maintenance for his child?

I mean, none of this really matters, you really need to end it. Not least because you’ve brought up two children to adulthood so who wants to be with someone who’s got a toddler. And you know it’s not normal or okay, that he’s treating you appallingly, and that you deserve soooooo much better. Please do yourself a favour and bin him off.

She's feeding him and doing his parenting for him. Of course he is not going to give this up. He is playing at being a parent. He has no intention of parenting when he gets somewhere comfortable to live. What bullshit. What a user he is of both of you. He has no respect for you, I'm sorry

Just end it as it’s not working out.

he will carry on if it means he sees his daughter hassle free

Hassle free = he can't be arsed putting the effort in to parent his dc by himself. There is (usually) no reason why a father cannot see their child on their own, no excuse why they can't stay over, even in a one bed apartment.

It's good that he seems to be 'coparenting' with his ex, if that's what it is. Very poor that he can't parent by himself, and inexcusable that he's basically put two fingers up at you and your concerns.

He's not fully extricated himself from the 'romantic' relationship with his ex imo, especially as he pays you such little regard. He pays for everything for her? Nope. His financial and moral responsibility is to his dc only (I do see that his actions mean we'll for his dc) but simply, whilst they are sill family, they're not A family any more. Families these days are very very different and varied - he's leading to big problems for his ex, for his dc and with you.

Walk away (and I say that as someone whose partner has a great relationship with his dc but has struggled with boundaries with their needy and flaky mum, and my own ex barely sees the dc)

Coparentjng means they are able to make amicable arrangements about their child and occasionally spend 'some' time together without ripping into each other, e.g. a bday party or health/school appt for the child.

It doesn't mean essentially living together part time.

So there's two scenarios here: either they are both trying to make it work or he is incapable of looking after his own child.

The woman owes you nothing and if she still loves him I can't blame her for wanting to try for her child's sake. If he is complicit in that - for whatever reason - then he is not the guy for you.

The poster telling you to get some self respect isn't being harsh. Outsiders have a clear view of this and it seems bonkers that you can't see what's going on here. But you are invested so you have the blinkers on - listen to the advice here.

Make your position clear and if he doesn't respond in the way you need him to, cut your losses and move on.

I cannot believe you're nearly 40.

Come on, op. He is a lazy, selfish manchild. He wont have his child until he has somewhere comfortable to live?! Why hasn't he got somewhere yet? He is a parent. Housing his child is pretty basic.

You said he pays for everything. What does that mean? Does he pay a set amount of maintenance every month to the mother and then on top pay for all her food, clothing, activities etc? because i bet it means he actually doesn't willingly pay regular maintenance

This seems to be the new thing to do- split up but still play pretend families all the time- days out, even holidays, spend Christmas, birthdays together. Personally- not for me- you're separated and playing we are together and so much better than other separated families who don't do this- decks me off to be honest. I couldn't and wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who does this- and inevitably it seems to implode spectacularly when one ex wants to spend time with new partners and child- or they have further children. Personally- if you can, I wouldn't stay. It's not going to improve anytime soon. Although if ex gets pregnant to current boyfriend- I'd imagine you'll only have to put up with this situation for about another 6 months.......

I don’t think anyone is intentionally being harsh . They can see what you can’t . He’s been very up front , he’s going to do exactly what he wants , the feelings of you or his ex are not at all important . Seems everything is on his terms .
No one would like their DP eating with their ex every night , whatever the reason .
I dont think he’s going to change . He’s told you he’s not going to change . If you are happy for this to continue and for your feelings to be completely ignored you can stick around , but honestly I think you’re in for a world of pain with this one .
Find your worth , and get rid ,

From your post, I had assumed you were both late teens/early 20s. Are you both in your late 30s/40s?

It sounds a very strange set up. But what matters most I think is that you aren't a priority for your bf. You have expressed your understandable feelings and he has told you they don't matter to him.

Leave this one to sort out his own problems and move on.

He can’t handle looking after his daughter on his own, then.

This.

Please, please, please, do not have a child with him. He can't be assed to look after his kid on his own and would rather have his ex there to do the dirty work. He plays Disney dad only. He might pay well for the child now, but once his ex moves on and is no longer playing to his egos desires, he may stop that too.

If you have a child with him, please don't come back here complaining that he's a waste of space dad. You've been warned and you're seeing the evidence in front of you. It's your fault if you choose to ignore it.

Just ditch him. He likes having two women after him, he's a shit dad no doubt, what's the appeal?

Don't let him move in with you. Give him lots of space to sort things out. By this I mean make sure you are available to see him once every two weeks, don't be available for him to visit all the time.

He has a two year old child. Why is it always about the woman on here.

I agree he does not seem to want to parent on his own or perhaps the ex does not trust him enough to parent on his own . And he seems to want to support his child and ex?

By saying it’s non negotiable then he is saying that is his priority for now.
The child is very young and perhaps they don’t want too much disruption.

But it does seem like a lot of time every week . And so it depends if you think he is being honest ? You have not said a lot about the rest of your relationship so it’s hard to judge ?

I am not sure we are getting the full picture here , but if you are not prepared to share him then I think you have to move on because he has made it clear what his priorities are at the moment.

@SD1978

This seems to be the new thing to do- split up but still play pretend families all the time- days out, even holidays, spend Christmas, birthdays together. Personally- not for me- you're separated and playing we are together and so much better than other separated families who don't do this- decks me off to be honest. I couldn't and wouldn't be in a relationship with someone who does this- and inevitably it seems to implode spectacularly when one ex wants to spend time with new partners and child- or they have further children. Personally- if you can, I wouldn't stay. It's not going to improve anytime soon. Although if ex gets pregnant to current boyfriend- I'd imagine you'll only have to put up with this situation for about another 6 months.......

This sums it up exactly.

We haven’t spoken since Yesterday afternoon when I said I was uncomfortable that he still isn’t doing anything about separating his time with child from the ex. This was when he said he doesn’t care if I don’t like it, he said ‘have a think about what you want ‘ and I said ‘ I don’t need to think’ and the phone call ended. I haven’t contacted him since and he’s not contacted me.
Yes I’m older and should know better but for one reason or another I feel like I am someone who is lost and doesn’t know what to do. After years of marriage and unhappiness I saw in this man the relationship with someone I actually want to be with. But now it is on his terms and the bad things outweigh the good. I am terrified of being a single parent and seeing all the loved up couples and families is what I want. Yes I sound pathetic but I’m just trying to navigate life as best as I can and be a good mum to my children. I’ve clearly made a mistake in thinking this man was the right person for me.

You made it clear you don’t like it, you are aloud to have boundaries. He’s made it clear it won’t change.

Either you stay and sacrifice your self respect, set the standard for him to walk all over your boundaries, your self esteem and confidence will plummet and you will end up with trust issues, then when it finally ends which it will you will be left with all the scars.
Or you walk away and find someone who respects you and knows what a normal relationship looks like.
You are better than this op.

I think you seem now to have made the decision not to continue with the relationship and if so, I think it is the right thing.

@nosswith

I think you seem now to have made the decision not to continue with the relationship and if so, I think it is the right thing.

Yes. I want to be strong enough to not continue with the relationship. I need to feel Ok being on my own, which I haven’t been ever. I’m finding posting here very helpful. I have not been on here before my friend recommended it. All the feedback felt harsh at first but reading it back all makes sense.