Tinder and 3 week old baby

[hellolittleone]

My partner and I had a disagreement yesterday and he flew off the handle over something really minor. He didn't speak to me all day and when he got home from work he didn't kiss me or hug me, he barely spoke to me. I've been upset about it all day and had tried to make things better by telling him I loved him and that I didn't want to fight over silly things. We have a 3 week old baby so I've been sleeping in the lounge so he can get a good nights sleep for work but he was in there late tonight watching tv so I fell asleep in our bedroom.

I went down to check and he was asleep on the sofa, so I text from upstairs to say goodnight as didn't want to wake him. The text didn't go through, so I went down to check if his phone was dead, his alarm wouldn't have gone off for work if it was and has happened lots of times. I decided to check if he had blocked my number as we had been arguing through text a bit yesterday.

As I'm looking at the inbox I see a text

"Your Tinder code is ..." and some numbers to input.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I went in and woke him up gently and said babe why is there a text from tinder on your phone, I was calm and collected because we have two ds's who were asleep. He told me he didn't need to explain anything to me and I should trust him and I was making him angry? So I told him I do trust him but I just wanted to know what it was and why it was on his phone. After half an hour of him calling me out for looking and basically gaslighting me he said that it just came through and he doesn't know why or where from. He was so annoyed and told me he will be using tinder from now on seeing as I've accused him.

Would you believe him? I do or did trust him 100% and we are or were very happy. However I was cheated on in the past when I was sure the relationship was a happy one. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. He's basically told me the relationship is over because I looked on his phone but it wasn't even like that. I never look at his phone and trust him. He's left now at 3am in the car.

I'm sat in the bedroom just crying I don't know what to think or do. He's been a bit distant and now my mind is running away with me. But I genuinely thought he loved me. Do you think it's innocent?

Jesus Christ . Let him jog on.
Focus on your newborn. This guy needs kicked out
You have a 3 week old baby and you are sleeping on the sofa ... Flipping ridiculous
He's running round the house flying off the handle, giving you the cold shoulder ,
He's on Tinder looking for women
He's flew off the handle again , driven off and left you upset .
Get into bed and sleep. And don't let this man back in your bed.

Seriously you need to have respect for yourself and your baby and not tolerate shit like this.

I'm afraid there is no way this is innocent. This man doesn't care for your emotional well-being, he cares only for protecting himself. I'm so sorry

Thanks both. He's been gone for two hours and I've tried calling but he didn't answer. I'm only worried as DS has school in the morning and we share the car I won't be able to get there other wise.

He's probably sleeping in the car tonight I guess

I’ll be honest, this relationship didn’t sound great before the middle-of-the-night bust-up. You’re sleeping on the sofa three weeks after giving birth? You thought he might have blocked your number because of text arguments? The silent treatment when you have children to look after? No, none of this is good.

I get that tiredness and the demands of a newborn can be very difficult and it’s easy to be snappy with each other, I’ve been there. But your situation seems a lot more serious than that.

And now he’s disappeared into the night potentially leaving you without a car.

You really do sound like you’d be better off without him. What joy or fun does he bring to your life?

Yeah he's basically used you finding out what he's been up to to justify carrying on doing it! No one uses tinder just because someone has accused them of it. Some serious gaslighting going on there.

To be honest it isn't great sometimes. Mostly I feel loved and wanted but when we argue etc he makes me feel like he couldn't care less about me and our family.

He's just come home, and gone straight to the lounge and shut the door presumably to sleep. I'm awake with the baby but thank god because I really needed the cuddles.

I'm dreading tomorrow. I know when we all get up he won't speak to me and it will be awkward and bad tension. And I'm none the wiser on if he's been looking elsewhere

Argh I am furious on your behalf!

Do not let this nasty little man gaslight you into thinking you are in the wrong here. He has been caught out, you have an innocent reason for looking at his phone. There is absolutely no reason for a man in a committed relationship, with a 3 week old baby, to be joining Tinder!

He should be supporting you. You shouldn't be sleeping on the sofa. Do not call or text him or try to make this up with him. He should be the one grovelling to you!

Please leave this man. He sounds horrible.
At 3 weeks postpartum you are still dealing with a lot, a new baby, older DS to sort out, hormones etc and he should be doing everything in the world to support you and running round doing chores and ensuring you get good rest etc. Not giving you the silent treatment and blocking your number and being a dick.

To be honest I thought you should LTB even before the tinder thing. That is the nail in the coffin. If he doesn’t speak to you in the morning then just get on with your day, if you have to speak then say the bare minimum, none of this trying to make up or apologise etc. You need to get angry OP. And then sort stuff out so you and your DC can live without him.

I'm so sorry. I think it is best to prepare to find out he is cheating, though. Saying "You should trust me," is complete bollocks and nonsensical. Nobody in their right mind is going to just disregard seeing that.

I cant get my head around that fact you had a baby 3 weeks ago and he's got you sleeping on the sofa!!!! Where does the baby sleep?? This alone says volumes about him as a partner and his lack of care for you. I'm sorry OP he sounds awful I really feel for you. The tinder stuff sounds a load of bollocks as well, hes just been caught and its trying to spin the blame onto you .

You say you are none the wiser about if Hes looked elsewhere.

Tinder do not randomly text people. So you know he has looked elsewhere. You know it deep down. He is just a master manipulator who has made you doubt your own reality.

You deserve so much more.

Can you give a family member or friend a call today to talk it all through?

He’s trying to blame you for checking his phone.
But Think about this. If he was innocent and a caring, loving partner would he fly off the handle like this over you checking his phone? No. Of course not.
He’s flown off the handle to distract you from him being In the wrong and make you doubt yourself

Hi OP

I agree with previous posters re that his a waste of space. Sleeping on the sofa after you’ve given birth ? Is he helping at all with any night feeds? You sound so kind I can’t imagine the stress you’ve got right now, giving birth, older children and him added to the mix! I really hope you have a good support network.

What I don’t agree with is reading comments saying kick him out/leave him ! I have no idea of your finances/money situation. Why anyone thinks that women can just kick men out with a flick of a switch is beyond me. He most likely earns more than you and pays for the bills ( specially while you’re on maternity leave/ or a SHM) I hope!!!

Contact citizen advice find out all you can re legal side of things. Bide your time and once you’ve got all the information (set up a separate bank account to, hopefully you’ve already got one) then kick him the f out.

In the mean time, give it to him straight as above poster said get angry ( sounds like he won’t expect this from you) and tell him what you expect from him as a partner/father no more sleeping on that sofa unless it’s him.

Be kind to yourself x

Sorry OP i doubt this is something innocent. And his reaction is not one of an innocent man, in my opinion.

You deserve better.

Your head should be filled with thoughts of your brand new baby and other children. Don’t give him headspace. Ignore ignore ignore. Please leave him.

There are so many things that are wrong with this;

1. you have a minor argument and he ignores you all day
2. you think he's blocked your number - does this happen a lot
3. your sleeping on the sofa and your baby is 3 weeks old
4. he gets tinder code on his phone & then when you confront him he tells you it's over and leaves to go in his car

I'm sorry but your so much better then this ! Focus on your 2 children and let him be , you have done nothing wrong. I hope your ok

I'm sorry, but hes clearly been at the very least talking to other women. He probably has you on tbe fifa so he can text etc in peace.

He may well be the father if your child but that's no reason to stay with someone that treats you so badly. As for if he ignores you, let him. He's punishing you for finding him out. What a creep.

He's angry because he's been caught red handed. He should be supporting you 2 children inc a tiny baby its he who.should be letting you sleep. Don't be surprised if he's cheated already. Hideous so.sorry

Thank you everyone. The sofa thing started because I had a section and couldn't get out of bed to do the night feeds (yes he's done none) so I slept there because it was a lot more comfortable. When I tried coming back into bed after a week he was back in work and would get agitated when baby woke so suggested we sleep apart and that's what we did.

I told him I miss the closeness and he said he did too so he's slept in the lounge with me sometimes until early hours then goes to bed.

But yeah the tinder thing I feel like he has been caught out and didn't know what to give as an excuse. I was balling my eyes out by the end of the conversation and he couldn't even look at me

He's lying, he sounds awful a DJ sadly this is a common time for such behaviour to appear if it hasn't done so already when you are feeling vulnerable and when suddenly a little more might be expected of him and he doesn't want to do it. Please don't put up with this

He sounds like an arse OP and you deserve so much better, it's hard to see what is normal and what isn't if u are used to him treating you like this, this is not normal behaviour. What is he like the rest of the time? Housework, finances, help with the children? He is dad to both children?

He's great most of the time very loving and caring. But when he isn't it's extremely upsetting and he acts as if I don't exist.

He doesn't do any housework because I am at home all day with the baby, and was made redundant after 9 years in my job just before I gave birth due to the pandemic.

Finances are okay but not equal as I'm no longer working. I have no money basically so rely on him if I need anything which isn't very nice. I'm at university so get student loan which I save most of and use some to update anything deemed unnecessary that I want because it's nicer not to ask.

I'm absolutely exhausted. I don't know what today will bring but thanks to all of you I feel a lot clearer and know that I deserve more even if it's just not lies and an actual explanation.

He said he doesn't have to explain himself last night, which I replied well we are in a relationship if it was the other way round I'm sure he would like to know why that was on my phone. I even tried to be reasonable and said look if it was a joke or you didn't actually go through with going on it just let me know I will understand. He just got more and more angry and wouldn't look at me the whole time

I should add that after I saw the tinder message I did go through his phone and I told him this after we had argued. I didn't find anything else but on his Facebook it was just a swarm of "... accepted your friend request" and it was all women. There's no reason he would do that eg job or anything other than to be adding women who he could potentially talk to.
He's never secretive with his phone so I've never doubted him and still can't understand why he did this. Probably only does it at work

The ignoring you part and acting like you don't exist is worrying and I don't think I would be able to cope with this, it's a very immature thing to do, how is it normally resolved do you have to apologise to him or does he come to you.
The tinder thing doesn't sound to great to be honest, has he got he app, and the Facebook adding girls is also creepy, you are well in your right to have this out with him, don't back down OP.

He's a prize cunt OP sorry. My SIL went through this and it turned out her husband was shagging round when the DD was 5 weeks old. He has no respect for you. I'd kick him out and give him a reality check. You deserve much better than this. It's totally unacceptable to be on tinder.