Tinder and 3 week old baby

[hellolittleone]

My partner and I had a disagreement yesterday and he flew off the handle over something really minor. He didn't speak to me all day and when he got home from work he didn't kiss me or hug me, he barely spoke to me. I've been upset about it all day and had tried to make things better by telling him I loved him and that I didn't want to fight over silly things. We have a 3 week old baby so I've been sleeping in the lounge so he can get a good nights sleep for work but he was in there late tonight watching tv so I fell asleep in our bedroom.

I went down to check and he was asleep on the sofa, so I text from upstairs to say goodnight as didn't want to wake him. The text didn't go through, so I went down to check if his phone was dead, his alarm wouldn't have gone off for work if it was and has happened lots of times. I decided to check if he had blocked my number as we had been arguing through text a bit yesterday.

As I'm looking at the inbox I see a text

"Your Tinder code is ..." and some numbers to input.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I went in and woke him up gently and said babe why is there a text from tinder on your phone, I was calm and collected because we have two ds's who were asleep. He told me he didn't need to explain anything to me and I should trust him and I was making him angry? So I told him I do trust him but I just wanted to know what it was and why it was on his phone. After half an hour of him calling me out for looking and basically gaslighting me he said that it just came through and he doesn't know why or where from. He was so annoyed and told me he will be using tinder from now on seeing as I've accused him.

Would you believe him? I do or did trust him 100% and we are or were very happy. However I was cheated on in the past when I was sure the relationship was a happy one. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. He's basically told me the relationship is over because I looked on his phone but it wasn't even like that. I never look at his phone and trust him. He's left now at 3am in the car.

I'm sat in the bedroom just crying I don't know what to think or do. He's been a bit distant and now my mind is running away with me. But I genuinely thought he loved me. Do you think it's innocent?

We've spoken briefly and he's protested his innocence but said he still doesn't want to be with me because of how I handled the situation?

I've sort of come to the conclusion that this is the end, I don't want to feel like this anymore and I don't deserve to be made out to be the bad guy here. He's gone out and I'm stuck home with the baby, which is fine we're fine and always will be with or without him.

He's said he will move out before Christmas, and he can't stand to look at me nice.

We will just have to see what happens. We are renting at the moment but have a great price on the size property we have that I would probably be able to manage myself until I'm back in work with some help so that's something I guess.

Fuck what he says. He is a knob. Imagine talking to anyone like that, let alone the mother if your three week old baby.

Before christmas? Screw that. Why does he think he gets to continue to stay with you a day longer after speaking to you like that?

Is it a joint tenancy?
I'd be telling him to sling his hook asap.

We've spoken briefly and he's protested his innocence but said he still doesn't want to be with me because of how I handled the situation?

Total gaslighting and blaming it on you. He's irresponsible, selfish and downright scum for treating you like this.

As one of the other PP said, I'd tell him to jog on. I'm sure any new woman would think he was quite a catch for leaving his ex in the lurch with a 3 week old baby. What a tosser!!

Off he trots now, not at Christmas. You are 3 weeks post c-section, with two little ones, you really do not have to live with that stressful atmosphere in what should be a joyous time for you.

This may be way too cynical but it looks to me like he's engineered this as an excuse to leave. He's an absolute arse.

If you can (with a 3 week old babies that might be when they're sleeping on you!) , start checking out what benefits you're entitled to and what maintenance he will be required to pay. You might not be so badly off as you think when he's gone.

He can’t stand to look at you?

I have no words except that anything will be better than having this toxic, selfish, cheating man child in your life

Aw that is nice for him isn't it, gets to stay with you until he moves out at Christmas, meanwhile as he is now single he can go on tinder and hook up with women anytime he wants, but he may even decide that the grass isn't greener and try and worm his way back, he has a few weeks to decide yet.
Kick him out OP, this will be hard enough for you to deal with without living with him for a few weeks under stress and tension.

This may be way too cynical but it looks to me like he's engineered this as an excuse to leave. He's an absolute arse.

This is exactly what I thought.

He's a cunt.

What a charmer. You will find life better without him.

I even tried to be reasonable and said look if it was a joke or you didn't actually go through with going on it just let me know I will understand.

The thing is, I didn't automatically assume he had been on there. I said to him if it's a mistake or etc please tell me and put my mind at rest but he was straight on the defensive x

No more of this stuff. You just need to tell him he was caught out, you're not putting up with him being defensive about it, lying about it, turning it around on you and all of that nonsense.

Do not engage with him when he protests his innocence, don't even question him about it (because you already know what he did). Just be firm that you know what happened if you even need to engage about it.

You need to take your power back. He doesn't deserve you.

He said he doesn't have to explain himself last night, which I replied well we are in a relationship if it was the other way round I'm sure he would like to know why that was on my phone

When you are at the point where you have to explain to someone what a normal reaction or expectation is in a relationship, and they are acting like you're wrong and that they don't understand then you need to realise that that is gaslighting, you will constantly be trying to find the proper words to explain something to him so that he gets it because he plays dumb....but he does get it and understand it. You need to remember that you don't need to explain basic stuff like that to a person, and if you do that shows that they are a manipulative person playing dumb.

Let him go OP, asap. I was in your position in the past, we limped on for 4 years. Four years I'll never get back. By the end of that 4 years I was suicidal. He kept me short of money and if I asked for any he would throw it on the floor and make me pick it up.

The rest of your life starts now. Do you have any real life support? Take all the rl support you can get and you'll be fine. If you don't have any at all, then you'll get it on here, don't worry. Get and keep the upper hand, you deserve it.

@Lorddenning1

Aw that is nice for him isn't it, gets to stay with you until he moves out at Christmas, meanwhile as he is now single he can go on tinder and hook up with women anytime he wants, but he may even decide that the grass isn't greener and try and worm his way back, he has a few weeks to decide yet. Kick him out OP, this will be hard enough for you to deal with without living with him for a few weeks under stress and tension.

This!!

Hugs OP

I had something similar back in May my DS was 5 months old. I kicked him out, admittedly I managed to go back to work early and part time and I get help from Univeral credit. Do go onto one of the benefit calculators such as entitled.to or turn2us i think they are called. You should be able to get enough help to tide you over with your smp etc whilst you work out your next move. To be honest it was so much easier once he was gone as I could get into my own routine with DS. Sorry to hear you are going through this.

You lost me at YOU'RE sleeping on the sofa at 3 weeks post birth. What an absolute prick he is.

The arrogant, lying prick would be moving out now if it was me.

Who does he think he is picking and choosing what he is going to do!!! He has crossed the line.

Go pack his stuff OP

He 100% signed up to Tinder. You have to put in your exact phone number to get a text with verification code when you first sign up.

He is gaslighting you. The fact he is now using you snooping on his phone and accusing to justify him now using the app (as if he wasn't already) is proof of that.

Doesn't sound like a catch tbh.

@hellolittleone I am so sorry to hear your story. To go through this 3 weeks postpartum is unimaginable and totally selfish on your partner (or ex partners) behalf. It does sound to me like he was lying or had only just downloaded it if they sent him a code. I feel like is he maybe looking for a way out but didn't have the balls to say it? Also it should have been him on the sofa I know you said your back etc you where struggling but he could of sat and helped pull you up or something. He sounds quite similar to my partner to be honest. I think men can definitely suffer from post natal depression and even be jealous of our new relationship with a baby thus giving them less attention. I'm glad to hear you are thinking ahead though and don't feel pushed into a corner if he leaves you are clearly more than capable and so the majority around the house he sounds like another child and you already have two. He in no way appreciates you and what you do for this children. Make sure you sort out his childbenefit payments etc don't let and when he takes the kids if he's threatening to leave I'd start planning it all out for him so what days will you have them how much each month etc I bet he will be shocked. Its sad but this could either resolve in time or be one of the better things to happen to you. We are all here if you need support as I'm sure are your family and friends

Hi

I have been reading the site for a while: I just liked the sage advice but never felt a need to join.

Until I saw your post.

I am single a few days ago I joined tinder. In setting up the account, I entered my phone number incorrectly with one number wrong. U remember thinking some random person is going to get a text from tinder with a verification code. I sincerely hoped it wasn't anyone in a relationship.

It could have been a mistake with the tinder.

But the rest of it doesn't sound good.

@Newuser991

Hi

I have been reading the site for a while: I just liked the sage advice but never felt a need to join.

Until I saw your post.

I am single a few days ago I joined tinder. In setting up the account, I entered my phone number incorrectly with one number wrong. U remember thinking some random person is going to get a text from tinder with a verification code. I sincerely hoped it wasn't anyone in a relationship.

It could have been a mistake with the tinder.

But the rest of it doesn't sound good.

Whilst this could definitely be true, all you'd have to do is say 'oh yeah I have no idea, download the app and check if you want I know it doesn't look great' but he blamed her, biggest sign of guilt!

Would he be able to go anywhere sooner? My kids dad was like this, it's horrible.

You can use tinder on a computer too so wouldn't need to download the app...it still sends the verification code to your phone though to set up the account.

"We will just have to see what happens. We are renting at the moment but have a great price on the size property we have that I would probably be able to manage myself until I'm back in work with some help so that's something I guess."

You would almost certainly be entitled to some universal credit when he moves out - check how much using an online calculator such as Entitledto or Turn2Us. You will also be entitled to 25% single person discount on your council tax, and maybe Council Tax Reduction (also called Council Tax Support by some councils) too.

And he'll have to pay child maintenance. He doesn't seem the type to pay willingly. Don't hesitate to go via CMS if he doesn't pay.

he said he'll be out by Christmas. that's generous of him. why wait, pack his bags for him and heave a sigh of relief as you see the back of the gaslighting bellend.

I stopped reading at 'I decided to check if he had blocked my number ' Why would you ever be with someone who might block your number. This isn't a good relationship. Get rid of him.

Should you trust him!???

Do you really need to ask?

I usually come to him and apologise or grovel because I just can't stand the bad vibe around the house

The dynamics of this relationship are way off OP, and I realized that way before you wrote that sentence. He holds all the power and does as he pleases while you spend your time negating anger fits, sullen silences, and gaslighting by groveling, apologizing and trying to make it right. How is this in any way a life for your and your children?

I suggest you stop spending your time licking this cunts boots and find a way to secure your independence ASAP, because the only thing in store here for you is a lifetime of misery and subservience.