Tinder and 3 week old baby

[hellolittleone]

My partner and I had a disagreement yesterday and he flew off the handle over something really minor. He didn't speak to me all day and when he got home from work he didn't kiss me or hug me, he barely spoke to me. I've been upset about it all day and had tried to make things better by telling him I loved him and that I didn't want to fight over silly things. We have a 3 week old baby so I've been sleeping in the lounge so he can get a good nights sleep for work but he was in there late tonight watching tv so I fell asleep in our bedroom.

I went down to check and he was asleep on the sofa, so I text from upstairs to say goodnight as didn't want to wake him. The text didn't go through, so I went down to check if his phone was dead, his alarm wouldn't have gone off for work if it was and has happened lots of times. I decided to check if he had blocked my number as we had been arguing through text a bit yesterday.

As I'm looking at the inbox I see a text

"Your Tinder code is ..." and some numbers to input.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I went in and woke him up gently and said babe why is there a text from tinder on your phone, I was calm and collected because we have two ds's who were asleep. He told me he didn't need to explain anything to me and I should trust him and I was making him angry? So I told him I do trust him but I just wanted to know what it was and why it was on his phone. After half an hour of him calling me out for looking and basically gaslighting me he said that it just came through and he doesn't know why or where from. He was so annoyed and told me he will be using tinder from now on seeing as I've accused him.

Would you believe him? I do or did trust him 100% and we are or were very happy. However I was cheated on in the past when I was sure the relationship was a happy one. I'm devastated and don't know what to do. He's basically told me the relationship is over because I looked on his phone but it wasn't even like that. I never look at his phone and trust him. He's left now at 3am in the car.

I'm sat in the bedroom just crying I don't know what to think or do. He's been a bit distant and now my mind is running away with me. But I genuinely thought he loved me. Do you think it's innocent?

Good grief.
Please stop tolerating being treated like shit!
This is awful.
It doesn't matter how nice a man is when things are going well if, when things are difficult, he treats you like shit! It makes him a very bad partner - and dad!

He was so annoyed and told me he will be using tinder from now on seeing as I've accused him.

Because that makes sense.

He's a childish arse, OP. I'm sorry. Do you have a support network?

I usually come to him and apologise or grovel because I just can't stand the bad vibe around the house. He's quite stubborn.

He doesn't have the app, and that was his excuse. Well if I've been on it where is the app, well I'm sure it's easily deleted! Even if it was a one off time. Just a shit excuse really that the text just came through on it's own randomly

Hmm well if your sofa is more comfortable than your bed, I think you need a new bed.

You also need to LTB. It won't be easy with a 3 week old but you'll have to leave him eventually, might as well do it now and save yourself the misery of staying with him longer.

Do you rent or own your home and is it in joint names?

Gosh op. I’m not even sure what to say. Yes do trust him. He will be on tinder as he says. You know he is, and you know he’s lying to you.

I am guessing this is hard for you as you’ve a new born and rely on him financially. So you need to try to convince yourself it’s innocent to allow you to stay,

I think just recuperate now and then when you’re stronger, noth mentally and physically you can deal with it.

@Bluntness100 thank you, that's my plan. I'm about to shower and wash my hair to start so I feel better. Baby is asleep and with me in the bathroom doorway. Going to just be strong today as I'm 99% sure this will all be my fault and I'll be to blame. We rent and neither of us can afford to move right now.

The bed wasn't the issue but thank you foe the laugh I needed it because of the section I couldn't physically lift myself out of bed so was easier and more comfortable to roll off the sofa haha!

What a nasty bastard. What he's done is classic DARVO - deny, accuse, reverse victim and offender. You're the one who should be angry, and you're the one being treated like absolute shit.

Hi OP

His attitude to and response was totally shocking. However, I wanted to come on and say although I have never used tinder in my life, I went through a phase of receiving these emails regularly for a few weeks- I guess someone was trying to sign up with my mobile number! It became like spam and is still a bit of a joke in our household. I can totally understand why you would have had that reaction though, I would have had the same one (maybe even initially although I have had the unwelcome texts before!).

Best of luck, and hope he sees sense and starts acting like an adult.

When you delete the tinder app, then re-install it (rather then actually deleting your profile) it sends you a text with the code as part of the log on. It sounds as though he has been doing that. Don't let him wriggle out of it, there's no way he got sent a random text from tinder with no knowledge of why. He's treating you like crap.

Start squirreling away money for your escape fund.

The thing is, I didn't automatically assume he had been on there. I said to him if it's a mistake or etc please tell me and put my mind at rest but he was straight on the defensive x

It's really sad that you are accepting this as a good relationship. It sounds awful, he's a nasty liar.

He's talking bollocks.
'You're making him angry' is shifting the blame onto you when he's actually just angry he's been caught.
Is it an iPhone? If so, click on App Store > photo/icon in top right > purchases
Here you'll find a list of every app and the date it was first downloaded
There's a list of 'all' or 'not on this iPhone' which is ones which have been removed or are on another device but linked to the Apple ID
Good luck OP

OP, your last post is upsetting. This man has played with your mind so much that when you see an activation text from a dating site, you don't automatically assume he was trying to use it. Of course he was. This man is clouding your sensible judgment and convincing you the problem is with you, and not him.

Take a step back. If your best friend was describing this situation to you, what would you say?

"The bed wasn't the issue but thank you foe the laugh I needed it because of the section I couldn't physically lift myself out of bed so was easier and more comfortable to roll off the sofa haha!"

That upsets me! It's actually easier and more comfortable for your partner to bring you the baby.

What @restlessinthenorth said.

^^This man has played with your mind so much that when you see an activation text from a dating site, you don't automatically assume he was trying to use it. Of course he was.

There's a classic MN saying. If someone gave you a cup of tea and said it only had 2% shit in it, would you drink it? Of course not. But for some reason we tolerate being treated like shit if they're nice some of the time.

No amount of shit is acceptable in tea, or a relationship for that matter. I think the question to ask yourself is why you're allowing yourself to be abused and manipulated by this man when you really don't have to. Take a step back, think about what you'd tell your daughter if she ever said to you, what you've described.

Start squirrelling away money and plan to kick him out. A decent partner doesn't expect his gf to do every night feed, they don't ignore you for days and they certainly don't go hunting for pickups on tinder when you've just had a baby. Sorry you've had to deal with this, but it's time to do something to change your life for the better. And that isn't with him.

The more you post, the more I wonder if tinder isn't a bit of a red herring (although of course bad) as even disregarding that, he sounds very nasty and I wonder if he is abusive.
OP, have a read and see what you think.
www.healthline.com/health/signs-of-mental-abuse
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

So you're all a bit stressed with a toddler and new born in the house - understandably so, and his default is to withhold money from you, be happy to have you sleep on the sofa AND reach out to as many women as possible. OP he doesn't sound like a nice man.

A decent partner would be splitting finances equally, give you the bed and bring the baby into you, help with the housework and child rearing when he's home from work and NOT try and get his rocks off with other women. If he is struggling with the relationship or family life he'd reach out and talk to you, not ignore and blame you. I'll say again, OP he doesn't sound like a nice man.

So it's 10am I did the school run and he's ignoring me still not said a word and avoiding me. So it's just me and the baby

The silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse.

Wow he's a controlling prick . Of course he's on tinder . Kick him out until he learns to get some respect for you and his kids. ,

He is a horrible person op. You know that in normal adult relationships, people don't ignore eachother as punishment.

Tinder texts you a number when you try to log in on a new mobile device. Or create a tinder account. Or if you have asked it to 'forget this device'when logging out and so to log in it needs to verify your phone again. So yes, either he is on tinder or he tried to join it. Sorry.

Out of curiosity, could he have a second phone?

Normal people dont gaslight op. It is a sure sign you are with a manipulator. That and the bloody crocodile tears. I mean seriously op, the man has a fecken cheek!

I know it's a hard thing to think about, 3 weeks after having a baby but you need to get shot of him asap. He is bloody horrible and he does not care one not about you. Infact, his behaviour shows that he means you emotional harm.

What an absolute arse he is.

The more you post the worse he seems what’s your housing situation could you ask him to leave

I'm so sorry you have to cope with this.

No I wouldn't believe him, especially in light of his Facebook activity.

'He was so annoyed and told me he will be using tinder from now on seeing as I've accused him'

Well fuckity bye then!! Saying that to you was cruel and just seemed like a pathetic excuse to have the Tinder app on his phone and be able to blame you for it!!

I'm sorry OP. I don't think he's caring deep down. I think you're being massively gaslit here.