Should I ask her?

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

I've been with my current partner for around 2 and a half months now - we we're friends for about 6 months prior to that.

Things are going well between us, but she has very close contact with her ex. She's the one who broke it up, and I know that he calls her frequently and she speaks to him. She's also told me that he still likes her, but there's no feeling on her side and that they're good friends. I think the relationship broke down because he had emotional issues - and some of their contact now is working through that.

I'm a bit uneasy with this, especially as she recently told me he's one of her best friends. Being a guy, I know I can't be friends with an ex who I still had strong feeling for, but I trust her, so I haven't really commented on the situation.

Tonight, I was looking through her strava, and I noticed that 4 weeks ago she cycled to the street her ex's lives on, and then logged a cycle back 5 hours later, after 10:30 pm. She didn't mentioned this to me, but checking out messages from that night, we text periodically why she was there.

If I'm brutally honest, this makes me feel really uneasy. As I said above, things had been going really well. Should I ask her about this?

The way I discovered it is a bit weird, and I don't know if it will look like I'm some sort of stalker - I seriously wasn't looking for anything like this.

[Bunnymumy]

Life lesson you learn as a woman as you grow up - a man who fancies you is not your friend. He is a man who fancies you.

Maybe she hasn't learned this yet.
I'd advise her that she has other responsibilities now. Such as consideration of your feelings. And that by staying friends with him all she is doing is dangling a carrot infront of him. That it may seem kind but actually it is cruel. That he is a grown man and can make new friends. Friends he doesnt want to bang. It isn't her job to help everyone.

[Bunnymumy]

Though it is possible this might be more about her ego than it is about his feelings.

[ElspethFlashman]

Sooooo......

It was his birthday so she went over to his flat and took a recreational drug that gives her the horn?

Happy Birthday To Him I guess!

[BangersAndMush]

This situation is ridiculous. I don't think many people would be ok with their partner being close friends with an ex who is openly still in love with them. She seems to be enjoying this.

I would honestly end it and move on, before you get serious and become invested.

[Titsinknicks]

Just move on op. Seriously. The more you say the more she seems unreasonable. I was too harsh on you last night (though I do think saying you're someone's partner after two months - or even eight! - is weird).

She's not being considerate of your feelings OR his. She's not a good person.

[HollowTalk]

People really take that drug?????

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

Well that went to shit quickly. I really pushed on this, and her response was:

OK. So everything was fine until he did make a move last time I saw him, which was the weekend before I left for xxxx - so almost 2 weeks ago. Of course I said no way, made sure he understood that and why (also, he already knows about you but I reiterated our relationship), and left pretty much straight away. We hadn't spoken since then until we had a phone conversation yesterday, which was rather mundane and mostly about how depressed he is. I really struggled with this, because I wanted to tell you straight away, but then I was scared about how you would react. And, as I said, I know you can trust me. But I guess maybe you don't know. Anyway, I don't know what to do. I see and fully understand all your points. But what do you suggest to do with someone you've been really close with, who's struggling a lot with mental health issues, who really needs support. I don't know. Also, you ask what I get out of it. Well, I get an intelligent friend who I get on with, which is kinda hard to come by in my town. I don't have many local friends there who I really get on with, so, yeah, I guess it's also quite selfish of me.

[JurassicParkAha]

@ElspethFlashman That made me laugh!

OP, I'm sorry but this woman wants to have her cake and eat it too. Being friends with an ex, where enough time has passed, there's not feelings on either side can sometimes work. But even then there are boundaries. She has none - and probably wants either him or you as a backup option. Or it's a nice ego boost for her. Neither of which makes her a nice person since she broke up with him - the kindest thing is to walk away from him so he can move on.

Relationships can get complicated enough, there's no need to add a love lorn ex into the mix. She isn't considering your feelings, which (along with the recreational drug use, and stringing him along) strikes me as the behaviour of an inconsiderate/self absorbed person, who is still far too emotionally invested in her ex, and not invested enough in you. And I'm not sure I'd want that in a partner. Do you?

All that will happens now is she'll get better at hiding when she talks/meets with him, and you will stay insecure. That is no way to live!

Also, the Strava thing isn't stalker-ish. If people don't regularly use it, they don't know how easy it is to see the route on your newsfeed. So ignore any posters who have said it is.

[Bunnymumy]

Ok so he tried to kiss her? Sorry but it sounds like she has really low self esteem if she would still want to try to stay friends with him after that.

I don't know how young she is op but if I were her I would be considering my personal safety. A friend doesn't try to take advantage of your concern for them...let alone, by trying to take advantage of you.

You know her better than us op. But I would be inclined to think that she is young,naive and too much of a ppl pleaser. I would tell her she needs to be more careful because he is not her friend.

I would hope that she would conclude after some thought that she should have nothing more to do with him. But if she does not...I suggest you walk away. Because she has massive issues with bells on.

[MzHz]

Is this how you want to live?

All this drama and deceit? You’ve known this woman for 5mins and she’s hiding things

Add to this the drugs etc... this is not a partner, not a girlfriend or even a mate.

Bin her off and have higher standards for yourself

[JurassicParkAha]

Have seen your update OP.

Please don't fall for the Joan of Arc routine. 'I'm only friends with my ex who is in love with me because I care about his mental health and don't have any other friends'.

The fact is it's easier for her to keep him around, and you, than to establish healthy boundaries and go make some other friends who aren't in love with her.

She wants you to give her the blessing to carry on the friendship because you feel sorry for her. None of that response from her shows any thought to his feelings or yours. She is a selfish person, and immature in relationships. That won't change. Go find a happy, healthy relationship with someone who makes you feel good and secure.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

She’s now saying she’s going to cut off all contact. She knows they can’t be friends etc.

My points to her were, I literally had to force this out of her, and deep down she knew all this already. So by maintaining that ‘relationship’ she was prioritising that over us.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

And her response:

I prioritised my own needs over both yours and his, not his or that relationship. As I keep saying, it was selfish.

She now wants to meet and talk, but I think I’m done tbh

[Bunnymumy]

Yeh it's really not ideal op. But how do you feel? Is this the only issue that has come up in your time together? What is she normally like as a person in general, to you and others?

[Bunnymumy]

Yeh if you want to call it quits here I think it's perfectly understandable.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

This is a reoccurring theme. We have a bond I’ve never felt before, but something happened with another guy (he came on to her), she only told me when I pressed the issue.

Then she was considering going to Europe to see through lockdown, she wasn’t decided, but agreed if she was going to go, we’d find time to meet first. She then txt me from the airport to say she’d gone already.

She repeatedly puts herself first, even though she keeps saying she desires total openness.

[Bunnymumy]

Yeh tbh op it doesnt sound like she is relationship material. Too flighty and all over the place....Europe included lol.

I think it should all be fun and nice in the early days and this is just all too much drama.

[SpaceOP]

staying friendly with an ex is completely different to remaining an ex's main emotional support structure, especially when that ex is still in love with her. Incidentally, it's also cruel of her to keep him close when she knows how he feels about her. He's never going to get over her if he's getting constant love and attention from her, even if she's not giving him sex.

I'm always a bit suspicious of people who talk about total honestly and openness and all the rest of it. Usually that means they think they can do what they like as long as they can tell you about it. And in this case, she's not even telling you about it.

My instinct says that this relationship isn't as serious for her as it is for you. Which is fine. But if you want more than she can give then you need to get out because otherwise you're going to get hurt.

[ElspethFlashman]

God she sounds exhausting.

I suspect the bond you feel is pretty much identical to what her ex feels for her. Like it's special.

Or maybe she is just a mirror, reflecting people back to themselves in a flattering light.

Perhaps being a mirror is the way she succeeds with men. It's certainly worked with you and the ex. And the 3rd guy.

But underneath she doesn't really love any of you.

Put it this way - if she felt a bond with you she never felt with anyone, NO WAY would she be talking about leaving the whole country. NO WAY

[Fudgsicles]

She treats you like an absolute mug OP. Someone who will be there when she wants it whilst she buggers around doing whatever she wants the other times. I can't see her being any different and you will drive yourself mad wondering if you can trust her at all (no, you can't).

I have an ex who still loved me and is very depressed and is struggling with his MH. As much as I feel bad for him, none of that is my issue or down to me to resolve. It would be hugely disrespectful to my DP for me to be supporting my ex.

[GreenlandTheMovie]

OP - get out now, before she sucks you in further to this drama.

You know when someone is lying, they give too much information and detail to convince the other side? Thats literally what her text message is doing.

You sound like you're being driven slightly mad by her carry on already. Its supposed to be fun at this early stage, not doubts and questioning!

By the way, the Strava thing is fine. I found out who my ex cheated on me with on his publicly available FB business page. Anything public is fine.

[Imissmoominmama]

I’m guessing that you could do much better, OP.

[spidermomma]

From what you say. Their isn't much of a relationship. Leaving the country and sending a text? Sounds. Like a soap drama! Just move on

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@ChangedABitForThisOne

This is a reoccurring theme. We have a bond I’ve never felt before, but something happened with another guy (he came on to her), she only told me when I pressed the issue.

Then she was considering going to Europe to see through lockdown, she wasn’t decided, but agreed if she was going to go, we’d find time to meet first. She then txt me from the airport to say she’d gone already.

She repeatedly puts herself first, even though she keeps saying she desires total openness.

All this less than a year in?! Fuck it off OP and learn a lesson from this - to acknowledge and act on red flags the first time they pop up. Onwards and upwards!