Should I ask her?

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

I've been with my current partner for around 2 and a half months now - we we're friends for about 6 months prior to that.

Things are going well between us, but she has very close contact with her ex. She's the one who broke it up, and I know that he calls her frequently and she speaks to him. She's also told me that he still likes her, but there's no feeling on her side and that they're good friends. I think the relationship broke down because he had emotional issues - and some of their contact now is working through that.

I'm a bit uneasy with this, especially as she recently told me he's one of her best friends. Being a guy, I know I can't be friends with an ex who I still had strong feeling for, but I trust her, so I haven't really commented on the situation.

Tonight, I was looking through her strava, and I noticed that 4 weeks ago she cycled to the street her ex's lives on, and then logged a cycle back 5 hours later, after 10:30 pm. She didn't mentioned this to me, but checking out messages from that night, we text periodically why she was there.

If I'm brutally honest, this makes me feel really uneasy. As I said above, things had been going really well. Should I ask her about this?

The way I discovered it is a bit weird, and I don't know if it will look like I'm some sort of stalker - I seriously wasn't looking for anything like this.

[user853600]

Forget the ex.

She takes illegal drugs and you okayed this?

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

I know about some of her drug use and personally, as long as it doesn’t impact her or our life, I’m ok with it.

She doesn’t take drugs frequently, and is very healthy outside of her occasionally use.

She takes this drug before sex usually but it can be used recreationally to relax.

The fact she took it in what looks like a flat (small place, so fairly intimate), with a guy who loves her, and stayed there all evening and she didn’t mention this, that bothers me a lot.

She’s always said she’s friends with her ex, and it goes no further. But surely she’d know how this would at least appear, so should have been open about it to stop any potential situations like this arising?

She usually wakes up around now, so I should get a reply soon, if she is going to reply.

I’ve not been able to sleep.

[myhumps123]

So you have been in a relationship for a month, and all this drama in a short space of time? If I were you, I would call it a day. It's not going to end well. I bet she is loving the attention from both guys and from what you said about the drugs, it is pretty obvious that she had slept with him on that night. Get out now before you get fucked over again

[Sohardtochooseausername]

OP I ignored warning bells like this with my ex and I ended up living with him for 10 years and had a baby with him and he cheated on me almost the whole time.

There isn’t any smoke without fire and it’s better to be alone than with someone who doesn’t care enough about your feelings.

[Mumdiva99]

Wow - the drugs do impact your life. This post proves it. I eouldnget rid on that basis alone.

If you are not a drug taker (making illegal purchases from dodgy people breaking the law) then you are not compatible.

[myhumps123]

She is probably friends with him, doesn't mean she can't sleep with him. Take back the control and dump her now. Just one month into the relationship and all this drama? Do the right thing and dump her.

[joystir59]

I wish people would read the whole thread and understand that in fact the op has been in a sexual relationship with partner for seven months, which became exclusive one month ago. OP unless you too are a casual drug user I don't think you will be compatible with your partner. I also would be uncomfortable about that 5 hr visit with her ex and agree with a pp that you were meant to find out about it

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

Just to clear things up, we have been sleeping together for around 7 months. We became exclusive in August, about a month before this visit happened.

When we used to be out, her phone would ring a lot. It would be her ex and she’d cut him off.

I’m ok with casual drug use, but the fact she took this drug with her ex, when I know the effect it has on her worries me.

She a actually had a bad react to it that night she said, and felt really ill for a couple of hrs. That’s how I found out she’d taken it (I don’t know about the evening with the ex at that point).

[Titsinknicks]

Sleeping together for seven months. I missed that last night. Did no one stick to lockdown rules apart from me?!

Anyway.

Reasons she might not have told you - shes a liar and doesn't care about honesty at all, she is sleeping with him, she doesn't care what you think, she doesn't think it's any of your business, it didn't occur to her to. I guess you have to decide if any of those reasons are ok with you.

Good luck with the text but like others I'd be tempted to end it. It's already too hard.

[Wintersunn]

Had she responded OP? Ideally you should have waited to speak to her face to face rather than via text as you would have been able to gauge more from her reaction. I’d be dubious too and agree with PPs that this is too much drama in such a short length of time. This should be the honeymoon period, move on.

[Elvesinquarantine]

So now you know she rates drugs and her ex above your relationship..
What is there to think about?
Walk away.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

We had a long talk about this. She mentioned it was his birthday and he’s still a really good friend. She said if I trust her i’d know it was ok. Then she was asking what could she do to make this easier for me.

I explained it wasn’t so much that she saw him, just that she never mentioned she was staying over and doing this, so it seemed secretive. I also mentioned that, regardless of how she saw the friendship, this guy still loves her and the friendship to him will be a mechanism to remain close to her / try to get her back.

I’m not really sure what to think. The fact I felt so jealous is a red flag to me; the fact she never thought of being open about this situation is also a red flag.

We’re still talking.

[Titsinknicks]

Couple of things there - she stayed over? I thought it was just an evening thing?

You always say it isn't so much she went, but that she hasn't said anything - from your op I think you do mind that she sees him. And this is maybe why she didn't tell you

[wizzywig]

Nah op. How she lives her life is incompatible with yours. Who knows, she might remain 'good friends' with you too afterwards: win win situation

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

Ah sorry, I meant staying all evening.

I knew they were in regular phone contact, I just never knew they spent evenings together every few weeks.

Looking into it, it was more her ex I didn’t trust due to him openly admitting he loves her.

Also, I can’t imagine many people would not get jealous or concerned at discovering such interaction, given the history, with no heads up.

I’m don’t mind her seeing him now that I understand the nature of it. He’s supposedly very depressed, so she used her time with him to chat through issues.

One of the things I love about her is her desire for non-judgmental communication, and exploration of issues. The fact this hasn’t been mentioned, in our relationship where everything is up for discussion, is what drove my concern.

[Onedropbeat]

What’s your plan op? Confront first? Or leave?

[Bunnymumy]

Given your update I would understand if she met him in public.

But meeting an ex you know still has feelings for you, in his home when you have a partner...is not ok. I wouldn't be ok with it. It's really pretty disrespectful to you.

[Wintersunn]

From your update it sounds like you’re going to stay in the relationship. Best of luck.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

@bunnymumy your paragraph is a very good statement. I’ve put this to her. She’s on a work call atm, we’ll pick this up when she finishes.

@Wintersunn not necessarily. I’m not going to be irrationally judgmental due to my own jealousy, but her behaviour hasn’t been totally clear, so there’s still lots to talk about.

[Dontbeme]

She said if I trust her i’d know it was ok.

But has she shown she is trustworthy? She met a man she knows is in love with her and didn't tell you, her new partner. She met him at his flat, not in a cafe, bar or somewhere public. She does drugs with him, or in his presence. She has now manipulated that to you not trusting her being the problem. It is early days OP, take the warning bells as a sign and walk away.

[seensome]

From what you said it strongly suggests cheating.
It's not normal to be that close to an ex and she didn't mention going to see him, you're only setting yourself up for lots of jealousy and anxiousness, it's not a way to live your life and she has no respect for you.

[myhumps123]

He is going to stay in this relationship because having a girlfriend is more important then having self worth, loyalty, trust. It's not going to end well. If I knew my ex still loved me I wouldn't spend the whole evening with him. Major red flag but you carry on, this is just the tip of the iceberg.

[Bunnymumy]

Good luck op. The thing is I think if you have to tell someone their disrespectful behaviour is disrespectful...you may find they 'just don't get it'. Or rather, they want you to think they don't.

You could attempt to put ground rules in place such as in the future she only meets him in public or in groups/with you if in private. But the chances are she might claim this is controlling. Considering his feelings for her though, this would be an ultimatum I would give. If I wasnt ready to call it quits on her yet.

[HollowTalk]

@Imissmoominmama

I just googled GBL. It’s a recreational drug. She cycled over to his house and took a drug which she likes because it makes her horny- then stayed for 5 hours?

I’d be questioning that too. Actually, I wouldn’t- I’d be gone; the drugs thing alone would put me off.

Yep. I wouldn't stay with someone like that.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

I’m discussing this now. She admits he regularly says he loves her, and would readily take any non-friendship action as a sign of more, so she has to tread carefully.

She’s intelligent, so I can’t understand how she can’t see it’s not a friendship for him.

She says he’s lonely and needs a friend, and she regularly tells him they will never be together again.

I don’t think she’s slept with him tbh, but I don’t see the need to maintain this bond, or at least reduce it to a friendship, when it’s obviously not