Should I ask her?

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

I've been with my current partner for around 2 and a half months now - we we're friends for about 6 months prior to that.

Things are going well between us, but she has very close contact with her ex. She's the one who broke it up, and I know that he calls her frequently and she speaks to him. She's also told me that he still likes her, but there's no feeling on her side and that they're good friends. I think the relationship broke down because he had emotional issues - and some of their contact now is working through that.

I'm a bit uneasy with this, especially as she recently told me he's one of her best friends. Being a guy, I know I can't be friends with an ex who I still had strong feeling for, but I trust her, so I haven't really commented on the situation.

Tonight, I was looking through her strava, and I noticed that 4 weeks ago she cycled to the street her ex's lives on, and then logged a cycle back 5 hours later, after 10:30 pm. She didn't mentioned this to me, but checking out messages from that night, we text periodically why she was there.

If I'm brutally honest, this makes me feel really uneasy. As I said above, things had been going really well. Should I ask her about this?

The way I discovered it is a bit weird, and I don't know if it will look like I'm some sort of stalker - I seriously wasn't looking for anything like this.

[Titsinknicks]

Oh mate what a load of DRAMA.

Sack her off

[Isthisnothing]

Op she sounds like an attention seeking immature drama llama. People like her can be very alluring. I know because to a degree I was one and I never had any shortage of men to have complicated relationships with. (I've changed after a lot of therapy).

Leave her to it. Underneath it all she is honestly very boring. She's trying to stop you realising that by creating all this distraction.

[Ophelia2020]

So much for total honesty op.

[BangersAndMush]

Someone upthread has already said that people who go on about total honesty are invariably not honest. You have seen this for yourself now.

I would take this all as a great learning experience and then dump her. Block her once you've done it so she can't get back in touch. She sounds manipulative and needy so you really do need to block her on every platform.

I'm sorry this has happened OP. But at least you have found out what she's like before it got too serious.

[ReneeRol]

She's not over her ex and is playing you. I wouldn't bother saying anything. Block and let her use someone else for an ego boost.

[Raidblunner]

I think gut feelings are more indicative of something actually being wrong more often than not.
I think you've rumbled her but whether or not you get the truth out of her is another thing. Ive never heard of this 'Strava' but visiting an ex for 5 hours, taking a drug that makes her horny and not mentioning it to you doesn't look at all good. Had a similar experience an ex. Was working away on a Saturday and a mate passed my exes house in the day and said 'like your new car Paul'
'Black Audi TT convertible? Yes mate! I knew it was exes car straightaway. Had to pass her house on my way home at10.30pm cars still there but no lights on downstairs.
She swore blind nothing happened but I knew probably like you it did!

[Dontletitbeyou]

She’s in a relationship with her ex , she likes hearing him profess undying love for her . She’s not going to let that go , it’s an ego boost . People who demand total honesty , in my experience, rarely give it .
She’s happy , she’s got it all , you and him , she’s just being selfish She’s not been honest with you in the past ,(lying by omission is dishonesty) , I doubt she will in the future .
If you’re happy with knowing that , then you’re all good .
As others have said I wouldn’t touch anyone who did drugs ,I wouldn’t even give them a sideways glance, even it is only occasionally. People involved in any type of drug use make bad choices when they are under the influence , again my life experiences have shown that to be true over and over ,

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

Thanks all. I think you're right.

We had a big talk last night, and I really thought we'd made progress. Today, it's a major theme again.

It turns out she's spoke to her ex against yesterday so they could try and understand why he made a pass at her... I mean seriously!

She has got strong views on sexual intimacy outside of a relationship (it's cheating) and I truly believe she wouldn't cheat. She's been candid about this ex, one of the reasons it ended was because he was too needy and they didn't have much sex.

It seems that as long as it wasn't her who crossed boundaries (it was him), and she rebuffed him, then it wasn't disrespectful to our relationship. I finally made her understand by stating, using that logic, if people send me highly sexual texts and photos, as long as I look but don't interact sexually back, then its ok? I can obvs talk sexually to them in an attempt to understand why they're so horny towards me though... (We need a head shaking emoji).

She finally got it and said she'd end the connection because of me(!) I told her that wouldn't work either. It would lead to resentment of me each time she had to rebuff one of his needy or crying calls.

She actually said before this bit that she'd like to still meet him, not as often, and in more public places if I'm no happy with her going to his. I seriously can't even process this after everything we chatted about yesterday.

I finally sent her a text, which she hasn't replied to:

The final thing I'll say on this is, this is not about your ex. This is all about what counts as permissible interactions and boundaries within a relationship. He just happens to be a recent example of an interaction who keeps breaking healthy boundaries and your response to this has been really telling. I can't say more than that.

We're done. She cried last night when she saw I was going to end it. But if she only ends this weird thing with her ex because I might drop her otherwise, it's still bad.

[Smellbellina]

I think she needs to leave her poor ex alone she’s seriously fucking with his head.

[Bunnymumy]

I think you're definately spot on about her boundaries not being what they should be. It's either that or she actually likes his attention and is messing you all about.

But to me it seemed like the first one.
It isn't fair for her to put ending the 'friendship' onto you. I really think she needs to do some self work. Whether she does that single or with you is up to you.

[horsesforcoursess]

D

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

@Bunnymumy I think you’re right to an extent. I think this is about her boundaries, but I think there’s something more here too. Her interactions with this one relationship go against her standard behaviour in regards to other areas of her life. Whether she can see it or not, there’s a greater bond with her ex outside of just wanting a nice friend. But she won’t contemplate this.

Taken with what this says about her boundaries, I’m not sure where we can go.

It suggests to me a relationship which will be full of drama and uncertainty, regardless of our intentions and connection.

[Bunnymumy]

Yeh perhaps she isnt as over him as she should be to have started something new. Either thatbir he has some sort of hold on her for some other reason. The depression talk for example sounds like it might be emotional manipulation.

[MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly]

I think you are right to move on and it sounds like you are totally correct when it comes to her boundaries. I think she's using him as an ago boost.

In any case this sounds like way too much work for a newish relationship, I'd find someone without all this attention-seeking drama.

[Fudgsicles]

Well done OP. She was still trying to push the boundaries with her ex by wanting to meet in public places. She had no intention of giving him up. I bet they get back together (if they'd ever really split).

[YoniAndGuy]

Walking away is 100% the right thing to do here.

Leave her ex to enjoy the total headfuckery she seems to employ in both 'friendships' and relationships!

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

She called last night, upset, and says she finally gets it. She understands the situation, she understands how her behaviour must have looked to me, and she blamed her poor ability to empathise.

This is something we’ve talked about in the past. Due to a really traumatic childhood, she’s became emotionally closed. This is something she is trying to work on, but a consequence of it is that she’s not great at empathy. This is something she’s working on too, she volunteers a lot, does charity work and helps with community initiatives.

But she’s still really poor at putting herself in someone else’s place.

She was then all enthused because she sees I can help her grow, help her see things which are even hidden to her, even if it’s really painful. She was also happy that I’d stand up to her in such a way and take no shit.

This sounds great and all, but it was so exhausting to spend two days in such intense emotional dialogue, to get her to see something that surely should have been self evident.

I just feel uncomfortable that it took me discovering this issue, raising it, arguing it for days, and even to the end she still wanted to maintain contact with her ex. It was lying by omission now that I think about it. If I hadn’t done this, she would still be meeting him at his etc. Just so many red flags.

I think deep down she’s good intentioned, but she’s got so many emotional problems, and issues like this will surely repeat.

I think I’m addicted to her, and really do enjoy her company. I also don’t want to hurt her as she seems really attached to me.

Reducing/cutting contact will be hard, but I can’t see another way.

[MzHz]

You are not the solution to her problem

And this is why she has so many problems as she uses them to keep boyfriends as saviours

She’s a liar, you can’t trust her and she doesn’t make you happy or bring any positivity to your life. She wants to TAKE from you.

Now is the time for you to block her on everything and let her find her way alone

She won’t be alone for long, she’ll find someone to be the source of her emotional feed.

The kind of woman you have described is an emotional vampire

She will suck the life out of you and your life will become hell on earth with her.

Trust me. I’ve made my mistakes with the make version of her.

Be strong, it gets a lot easier in a surprisingly short space of time once the poison of their toxicity leaves your system.

You can be happy with someone else, without all this drama and anguish.

Don’t settle for anything less.

Do you have family to lean on? I can’t help thinking if you were my son, you’d be sat at my kitchen table and we’d talk this all through and I’d show you where each of the events you talk of were so way off

Make no mistake she’ll destroy you if you allow yourself down the “but she needs me” route.

She’s a parasite.

[MzHz]

she volunteers a lot, does charity work and helps with community initiatives.

She’s doing this for the payoff it gives her, this isn’t a selfless act...

[MzHz]

Make version = male version

[Bunnymumy]

Yeh sorry op but it sounds like rehearsed horseshit to manipulate you back. A person has empathy or they don't, it isn't something you can 'learn' in adulthood. Maybe she just meant it isbt her string suit but the way she's put it...sorry but it sounds more like a psychopath saying 'I can learn to be a real boy, honest'.

Wish her all the best and gtf outa there.

[ChangedABitForThisOne]

Sadly, I’ve never been able to talk to my parents about these kinds of things. I love them to bits, but they’re quite dysfunctional and they lack self awareness.

Your reply is really helpful though.

I tend to find myself in relationships where I am the ‘saviour’ (this issue is on me). At first, this relationship seemed so different. She’s very dominant (previous partners were quite submissive) and made me realise that’s what I need. The dynamic felt very different, but interesting. As I’ve dug deeper, her seeming dominance is more a facade covering her issues.

In think in just need a break from all relationships and to spend some time by myself

[MzHz]

I think that is v wise, and your background explains a lot.

I know about the saviour thing, that’s me too, always seeing the best in people, the potential... if only they could get a little more support and encouragement from me...

And then their demeanour/attainment becomes my responsibility

My (awful) ex once said to me “if I come back, are you going to make me happy?”

Making him happy meant doing what I was told, anticipating every potential pitfall or error he’d decide I’d make, or - at best - merely blaming me because he’s had a bad day/time etc.

No. Fuck that.

I’m now in my 50s, and live with a man who also has been known to be a saviour, and he’s had the shit kicked out of him by two wives, one pretty bad, the other truly evil.

I could never talk to my parents about relationships either, in fact I barely talk to them at all now, they’re not great parents, so I fell into the traps you’re negotiating now.

If I could wave a wand for you, I’d wave it. The truth of the matter is that you have to find your self worth (which I think you’re beginning to!) find your red lines and boundaries and fix them in place.

Also imagine the relationship you want, imagine how you want to feel, supporting your partner but having them support you right back in their own ways

Love you for you. Then others will do the same

You’re so caring and kind, bear in mind that this can bring out the vampires, so be cautious with what you give of yourself until your sure. Life is supposed to be fun, relationships are supposed to make life better.
Your instincts are good, they brought you here. So learn to listen to yourself more and don’t let others bully you into being something for them

You’re going to be fine.

But you have to block this woman now. Can you do that?

Take a week off of this drama as a starting point and then evaluate how you feel.

[MzHz]

By the way, me telling awful ex how I couldn’t make him happy, this has to come from you’ went down like a lead balloon

He was trying to control me

She was trying to gleefully hook you in by making you the person to help her get better

My lovely OH is everything anyone could ever want in a partner, and then some.

This is what I want you to focus on, getting to a place where you feel like I do. If i can do it at 48yo, you certainly can

Sure you have to navigate a whole load of dross, but keep your eyes on the prize

[doubleaces89]

Sounds like you're perfect for each other..you "don't mind her drug use" and she appears to be sleeping around...

You do realise that drugs destroy lives, and I'm not talking about just the drug addicts, it's people like you and girlfriend that are enablers.