Genuine question for those cheating with committed folks

[inthethickofit19]

Do you not care / does it not bother you that they will still be sleeping with their spouse/partner? I've always failed to understand this. Do they genuinely believe their relationship is 'better' ?

But an unfaithful partner is not committed,theyre shagging away from home
That’s the very opposite of committed. It’s opportunistic and selfish
I also think the so called committed shaggers lie and say there’s no sexual contact with their spouse

I’m not cheating btw, just an observation from seeing the fallout of such shenanigans

There was an AMA a few weeks ago about this written my someone claiming to be the OW. Lots of explanation on there.

The answer seemed to be mainly 'I didn't think about his wife at all.'

Well it’s self evident someone in an ow relationship is going to justify their own behaviour

I'm not cheating but this wouldn't bother me... like, I can imagine that if I was to be someone's OW that I wouldn't care that they were shagging their wife still. I'm not particularly jealous and can see that love and sex aren't always the same thing. If I was someone's "bit on the side" I'd expect that they probably loved their wife and saw me as a bit of fun. I'd see them the same way - sex rather than a long term prospect. If you see what I mean?

There’s plenty of people on here suspect their other halves of cheating and say they’ve not been having sex. It is possible that a fair number of cheaters are not still sleeping with their partner.

@PatsyJStone

There’s plenty of people on here suspect their other halves of cheating and say they’ve not been having sex. It is possible that a fair number of cheaters are not still sleeping with their partner.

Or they lie about it to the OW, and the OW believes them because that helps her justify her actions.

In a lot of cases, in my experience, it tends to get waved away as helplessness against the ALL ENCOMPASSING POWER OF A LOVE THAT CANNOT BE DENIED!!!

In my experience, particularly with one friend, and a colleague, they weren’t having sex and the husbands were having an affair.

All too often the wife says ‘oh everything was great I had no idea..’ but how many are being honest? Who wants to admit they weren’t having sex? my friend and colleague both admitted that they weren’t, not such a bad thing as they weren’t at risk from the husbands extra marital activities.

@PatsyJStone my soon to be ex-husband had 3 affairs that I know of. We had happy, active sex life. Even he admits this... Don't expect he told the other women that though!!

Can only speak for myself but I truly believed the person I had an affair with had not slept with his partner for at least 3 years and my DH and I had not had sex for about 10 years apart from maybe twice. I get that this is probably quite unusual. I could not have coped at all if I thought he was still having sex with his wife or any intimacy at all beyond general signs of affection whilst we were together. Since it’s been over I have sometimes doubted whether he told me the truth and the thought of them being intimate now is gut wrenching. Part of the price you pay for being an ow and falling in love with someone you shouldn’t. Whoever said that you don’t really give much thought to the wife/partner is right. I was so swept up in my own happiness when we were together that I didn’t allow any other thoughts in. I did feel guilt at other times of course and I look back and don’t even recognise who I was then. I’m normally ultra sensitive to how others think of me and a complete people pleaser to my own detriment. I was shocked at the deceit I was capable of.

Committed?!!

I agree, whenever people say cheaters are lying about not having sex with their spouse I think of the sheer numbers on here who happily say they “prefer a cuppa and a biscuit, ooh no, could happily never do it again”. LOADS of people aren’t having sex and assume their husband or wife is okay with it. Most of the time I expect they’re not.

But on the question you asked, I suppose it depends on whether they choose to think about it and they probably don’t.

@myhobbyisouting

Committed?!!

I think I phrased it wrong but I meant a person who is in a relationship already. Blame the Brain fog

Isn't it compartmentalisation. Just a total separation of what they do and what you do? Hence having no guilt.

I was briefly an OW in the dim and distant past, when young and selfish. I just didnt think as it was purely a lustful, sexual encounter. Now I've 'grown up' I just don't recognise myself back then.

Not all affairs are the same, so there is no one answer to your question, OP.

There are plenty of relationship where sex has dwindled. We often get posts about people losing their libido on MN. Some of the spouses in such relationships decide not to break up a family but seek sex outside of marriage.

Then there are more opportunistic affairs where people are after a bit of fun and sex. In that - boundaries are quite clear and affair partners don’t question sex in the primary relationships.

And then of course there are the real affairs. At least in the way I think of an affair as the first two above (to me) are just cases of infidelity. In the ‘real affairs’ - emotions get involved and with that jealousy can appear.

Why do you ask the question OP?

I know what you mean op.

No I could never be the OW, the very thought that his member would be jutting into two different vaginal orafices would make my stomach turn.

I wouldnt want to be sharing any baterial shit with anyone and that he wasn't sleeping with his wife wouldn't cut it with me.

If he was going home every evening to his wife I coudn't be 100% sure that he wasn't.
It's a no brainer.

When he's left his wife and coming home every evening at 6 for his tea and sleeping in your bed, maybe then.

[quote Worakls]@PatsyJStone my soon to be ex-husband had 3 affairs that I know of. We had happy, active sex life. Even he admits this... Don't expect he told the other women that though!![/quote]
Lest we forget, this is a person who will happily lie their pants off in every other area to their spouse (and, I guess, by extention friends, family and kids): their whereabouts, who they're texting on their phone, their continued monogamous love for their spouse, etc, etc.

They're perfectly capable of lying to others. Why wouldn't they lie to the OW as well?

@TossaCointoyerWitcher

Of course they do, thats why it's up to women to question and look out for their own sexual health.

Oh the romance of it.

I’ve been the OW and he was still sleeping with his partner, he never lied about it. But like @epythymy, I don’t equate sex with love or even intimacy. So it never bothered me. It bothered me more when to think about them being affectionate, laughing together, dong things together as those are the things that make me closer to a partner.

When I was cheating I stopped having sex with my DP. My affair partner never asked about it and I must admit I like watching him get jealous. He was single, I wasn't. I would hate it if I found out he was shagging someone else. Very possesssive and selfish, i know.

My affair ex now has a gf i know he would be back if i ask him but knowing he is shagging her turns my stomach. I hate the idea of sharing and sloppy sevonds. I thought only men are like this about their sex partners, evidently not.

I am an OW and my AP still sleeps with his wife. We don't talk about it but he's never denied it, the state of his marriage is better than mine, although not perfect obviously. Initially it didn't bother me, she found him first and I wasn't looking to replace her. However as we have become closer I am finding it more difficult and he feels like he is betraying me. While I'm sure you all reading this will say he's probably loving it, his marriage is suffering and I'm sure soon it will be decision time. Surprisingly I've never been bothered by actually sharing him, he has impeccable hygiene, it's the affection I'm jealous of.

Me and my DH have had sex about 5 times in 6 years so it is possible that they aren’t. I would say we are both vulnerable to affairs if attention came along. I think he may have had one or at least an online dalliance. It’s has mainly been him who has not been interested in sex (well not with me anyway) and I don’t bother anymore because of it. Our life is generally pretty good other than that. We get on well etc and have a good life. It is the elephant in the room though. I find myself daydreaming about random men from time to time. We last had sex last November and before that it was around the January. I think therefore it is perfectly possible that many aren’t.

I couldn't knowingly share a man either emotionally or physically.

Why would you?
Move on and find someone available.

I would rather be on my own.

When a man cheats, people may disapprove and ask how he could do such a thing (though they're very likely just to berate the OW and leave him alone), but nobody ever asks WHY he did it. They know why and accept it: because he enjoyed the sex. Same for men who sleep with married women. People have no trouble understanding why they do it, even if they think it's a shitty thing to do.

Yet when a woman has illicit sex, suddenly it's this great mystery and nobody can fathom why she might be getting a very enjoyable experience from a man who is committed elsewhere. As if it's just impossible for women to enjoy affairs for the exact same reason men do.

I'm not condoning affairs and I do not intend ever to have one, but I also don't see it as this great inexplicable puzzle. We know why men do it, why would it be so different for women? Women are perfectly capable of enjoying a sexual relationship with a man even if he isn't solely theirs; some women even prefer it that way.