Page 2 | Genuine question for those cheating with committed folks

inthethickofit19 · 2020-11-12T21:07:47+00:00

Do you not care / does it not bother you that they will still be sleeping with their spouse/partner? I've always failed to understand this. Do they genuinely believe their relationship is 'better' ?

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2020 20:06

Agree with sheba. It's no great mystery.

DP and I hardly ever have sex, friends report similar in their relationships too. Loads of long term couples have no sex or very little sex.

So I've no idea why it's such a supposed truism that married cheating men are still having sex with their wives. Some will be, some won't.

Onthedunes · 13/11/2020 21:22

There are many men that do not have sex with their wives.

The question is why?

Sex very rarely just dwindles out of its own accord, suddenly.
Itamacy and emotional connections are lost through dissagreements that have not been dealt with, or boundaries being crossed by lack of respect or care. (health problems and age can be different)

Women can feel neglected or taken for granted by unthoughtful partners.

Refusing sex can sometimes be a womans last bastion of action before giving up and ending the relationship and the repercusions of that.

Men, instead of apolgising or owning any responsibility for their bad bahaviour will then look outwards for their previlaged rights to have sex.

Here enters the ow, poor lamb he doesn't get any at home.
Therefore reinforcing his right to shag away.

I have never understood ow views about scuppering another womans chances of maintaining a relationship and respecting that those wives need to enforce boundaries within the marriage.

The romance part of it is a lame excuse.
Men don't feel this, they usually just manipulate the ow to get what they need.

To me ow or om are easily manipulated people.

There are so many ow on mumsnet that end up getting hurt by those men that never learnt boundaries and never faced consequences,....and they helped them misbehave!

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2020 23:15

I don't agree. Every relationship I've ever had has started with lots and lots of extremely exciting sex, then gradually toned down, then become routine if the relationship has lasted for a couple of years or more. Twenty years in with DP, we mostly don't bother any more. We still love each other, but the passion has faded.

This is pretty normal.

SirChing · 14/11/2020 00:00

Years ago, I was an OW. I had just come out of a sexless marriage myself and wasn't looking for a relationship but did want sex.

I am not proud of it, and wouldn't make the same choices now. I justified it to myself by acknowledging that if the married man wasn't having sex with me, he most certainly would have been with someone else. I knew that I was tested for STIs and clear, and would never knowingly put another woman's sexual health at risk. I also knew that I would never want more from my AP and would never take steps to let the wife know in any way.

It seems so wrong now, but that was my warped logic. I felt that if he WAS going to play away, then I was a fairly safe bet to be the one he did it with.

I would never make the same choice again if I was single again. Just because a man is a cheating bastard doesn't mean that i have to be the one to facilitate it.

SirChing · 14/11/2020 00:03

Oh, and I really didn't mind him sleeping with his wife. He was tested for STIs before going near me, and I saw the results. I knew perfectly well that love and lust are different. I am also not vanilla, and neither was he. It's common for non-vanilla people to seek it outside of marriage as it's the only thing missing from their marriage. And their fetishes feel like a need rather than a want, to them.

Not trying to justify my previous warped thinking at all, but it is the thought process I had at the time.

Onthedunes · 14/11/2020 00:11

@MorrisZapp

Yes I agree passion fades but I presume your not using that as an excuse to have sex with someone else.

If you did want sex more often I assume you would convey this to your partner.

What I'm trying to say is it is not always clear cut as to why men do not have sex with their partners, when they tell the ow.

Yohoheaveho · 14/11/2020 00:15

@maudspellbody

There was an AMA a few weeks ago about this written my someone claiming to be the OW. Lots of explanation on there.

The answer seemed to be mainly 'I didn't think about his wife at all.'

I've always assumed it was an out of sight out of mind thing🙁 why anyone wants to do an AMA on here I can't imagine😳why they do want to expose themselves they must know they would never get a sympathetic hearing🧐

SoulofanAggron · 14/11/2020 00:20

The last married bloke I was with claimed his wife declared herself asexual many years ago, and that they have separate rooms because of her snoring (all probably lies but I fell for it.)

He said after over a decade without sex, he finally sought out a sex life for himself. Claimed he didn't tell her because he didn't want to hurt her feelings.

He actually managed to make this sound like he was a good person!

@SirChing Have missed you on the boards. How're you keeping? PM if you like.

Onthedunes · 14/11/2020 00:26

@SirChing

I think this is one of the points the op is trying to ask, you said you did not mind him having sex with his wife.

To break that down to basics you essentially put this to the back of your mind because in reality he could have just walked out of a room, having sex with his wife and 10 minutes later he's at your place doing the same.

As a woman why would you let someone do that.
I,m glad you would never facillitate that again.

SirChing · 14/11/2020 01:17

@Onthedunes - Honestly? No, I didn't have to put it to the back of my mind, because I really wasn't bothered by it at all.

I knew that what they were doing was about love, and what we were doing was about lust.

I was the one who knew he was having sex with her, I knew his feelings for her, I knew everything. So there was no deception towards me from him. There was a strange security in that. He wasn't feeding me shit about not sleeping with her or loving her. And I didn't love him, though I was fond of him. He never professed to loving me. The openness of that never caused me to worry because i knew where I stood. Maybe if I had wanted more from him then I would have minded.

SirChing · 14/11/2020 01:19

@SoulofanAggron Hi! I am good thanks. Hope you are? Have you name changed? I am back to MN after a long time away for health reasons. If you are who I think you are, my email account totally fucked so I could never reply

TossaCointoYerWitcher · 14/11/2020 02:46

@ShebaShimmyShake
Same for men who sleep with married women. People have no trouble understanding why they do it, even if they think it's a shitty thing to do.

I wonder if that last bit is partly the reason: its a shitty thing to do. People generally accept that "men think with their dicks". So what's the woman's excuse? They don't have a penis. They're supposed to be better than that. So, if it is the case a woman wants sleep with a married man (or is married and wants to sleep with an OM) I can totally see why they might want to try and explain and excuse it as a big, romantic thing as opposed to having to admit they're just as shitty as the grubby male stereotype.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/11/2020 07:28

[quote TossaCointoYerWitcher]@ShebaShimmyShake
Same for men who sleep with married women. People have no trouble understanding why they do it, even if they think it's a shitty thing to do.

I wonder if that last bit is partly the reason: its a shitty thing to do. People generally accept that "men think with their dicks". So what's the woman's excuse? They don't have a penis. They're supposed to be better than that. So, if it is the case a woman wants sleep with a married man (or is married and wants to sleep with an OM) I can totally see why they might want to try and explain and excuse it as a big, romantic thing as opposed to having to admit they're just as shitty as the grubby male stereotype.[/quote]
That might be the reasoning, but it's a huge part of the problem. We shouldn't be holding women to higher standards than men. "Because they're supposed to be better than that" has been and still is the justification for so many double standards and so much oppression...and ultimately, it's not a way of revering women at all. It's the exact opposite: a way of blaming them for everything, even and especially when it's a man who's being shitty.

As for affairs...they're not all the same. They're never "right" but they're just not all the same and nor are the people in them. There isn't one explanation for how they all work.

SirChing · 14/11/2020 21:48

We shouldn't be holding women to higher standards than men. "Because they're supposed to be better than that" has been and still is the justification for so many double standards and so much oppression

Exactly! The presumption that women don't need sex in the same way men do, or its the woman's job to "save a man from himself" is total double standards.

Ultimately, the OW isn't the one who made the vows, that is the man. It's on him that he breaks them, not the OW. It's hardly the case that if the OW wasn't there, he would be faithful. He would simply have shagged someone else.

It may not be a popular view, but if a bloke is looking for sex outside his relationship, he will find it. The question is, why is he looking in the first place?

emailadress · 14/11/2020 22:08

Have been thinking about this
It's also quite bad in my opinion to reduce men to only wanting sex like they have no feelings or desire for intimacy, friendship or love
I can understand why it is preferential to think this as then it's a simpler acceptance of men having affairs to put it down to just sex but I don't think a whole population of men are that base.

Fudgsicles · 14/11/2020 22:26

I could name 8 people recently who were in long term, sexless relationships. At least 5 of them got it elsewhere and strongly suspect the rest did as well.

It's not as uncommon as you think. Hence why affairs are so common. The ones that openly admit they are still sleeping with their partner, I suspect the OM/OW is happy to just be a bit on the side and doesn't want a relationship therefore doesn't care what they get up to outside of them having sex.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/11/2020 22:26

Of course men might have affairs for the companionship or love. People have affairs for all number of reasons, they're not all the same. It's just that when men have affairs, nobody has any trouble understanding why they do, or why the woman being committed elsewhere and possibly sleeping with another man too wouldn't stop them. But people often genuinely struggle to wrap their heads around why women would do the same, as if the same reasons of sex/lust/love/companionship or whatever just wouldn't apply to them. It's very strange.

SirChing · 14/11/2020 22:30

It's also quite bad in my opinion to reduce men to only wanting sex like they have no feelings or desire for intimacy, friendship or love

But often, they are getting all those things within their relationship, and it's the sex that they aren't getting. Same for women. It's not base to admit that people have a biological sex drive which needs to be met. It's intrinsic within us.

ShebaShimmyShake · 14/11/2020 22:34

Not everyone views relationships as a zero sum game whereby if you also love or sleep with your spouse, that takes something away from your affair relationship. Plenty of people get what they want from the affair, and the marriage is just something separate from that.

I've never had an affair, but years ago I dabbled a bit in open relationships, with everything honest and open. It truly didn't bother me that my partners were getting action from other people too. It felt like when I go meet my friend Emma for drinks and a meal, and it isn't affected by the fact that she also sometimes socialises with Paula, or that I sometimes meet Faye. I feel very differently these days, now I'm married with a daughter, but some people, including women, really just don't need exclusivity. If someone's coming to you, you clearly have something they want, whatever else they might have also.

Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed · 14/11/2020 23:10

There's a hell of a lot more sexless marriages than people like to admit. (And a lot more affairs)
I've been the OW, I compartmentalised it. She never crossed my mind. They didn't have sex (or rarely) she had the toddler in her bed and he was pushed out to the sofa.
The physical side of their relationship was dead.

Onthedunes · 18/11/2020 00:39

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed

I hope you charged him for this service.

Better still you should have invoiced his wife and sent her the bill, I don't think you kicked her in the teeth enough.

Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed · 19/11/2020 12:00

[quote Onthedunes]@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed

I hope you charged him for this service.

Better still you should have invoiced his wife and sent her the bill, I don't think you kicked her in the teeth enough.[/quote]
She doesn't know.
They rarely do, now go troll elswhere.
I gave an honest account that is relevant to this topic.
Why did you bother commenting?

Onthedunes · 19/11/2020 23:06

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed

I posted because I'm entitled to and because I exist, and I've done that without ever needing to have an affair with a married man with the thought of a small todler in his marital bed.

Charming
Does sisterhood mean nothing to you?

Muchadoaboutlife · 20/11/2020 05:25

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed so while the wife is dealing with a non sleeping toddler and all that stress he’s shagging around with you. How vile. He should be concentrating on helping his young family. Why would you even want to be with somebody like him

choli · 20/11/2020 05:52

[quote Muchadoaboutlife]@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed so while the wife is dealing with a non sleeping toddler and all that stress he’s shagging around with you. How vile. He should be concentrating on helping his young family. Why would you even want to be with somebody like him[/quote]
Because, your family is not her problem. It's a problem shared between the spouses.