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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Genuine question for those cheating with committed folks

88 replies

inthethickofit19 · 12/11/2020 21:07

Do you not care / does it not bother you that they will still be sleeping with their spouse/partner? I've always failed to understand this. Do they genuinely believe their relationship is 'better' ?

OP posts:
Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed · 20/11/2020 09:22

I really don't know why you are choosing to go after me over all of the other people that gave their accounts on this thread.
The sisterhood doesn't exist.
Surely you've read enough of these threads to know why affairs happen?

Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed · 20/11/2020 09:24

Oh, and he helped his young family by working 14 hour days to enable her to be a stay at home mum

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 09:27

I think you’re being too simplistic,

Yes they will know the person is in a relationship. This does not mean they are committed. Nor does it mean they are sleeping with their partner.

From what I’ve read on here ans knowing someone who had affairs, they were neither committed or sleeping with their partner.

kursaalflyer · 20/11/2020 09:44

I'm wondering why supermarkets and schools are top of the list for Covid spreading. I bet it's extra-marital affairs but no one's owning up!

Alonelonelyloner · 20/11/2020 09:46

I was seeing a happily married man years ago. I knew he was sleeping with his wife. Why wouldn't he? It's his wife. Them having sex never bothered me. I had no claim to him, but ironically he felt he did with me.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 09:55

Op, and yes generally they perceive the relationship to be “better” because that’s what the cheating partner tells them.

Very few folks will sleep with a man who says I love my wife, I’m fully committed, we have regular sex. Generally they are told, I’m only there for the kids, the relationship is over, it’s not like it is with you and we haven’t had sex for years. Which to be fair, sometimes is true.

Pechanga · 20/11/2020 10:19

I think mostly there are two types of cheaters:

  1. relationship with DP or spouse has broken down, no sex, no intimacy. Feels relationship over, always bickering or possibly just become more 'friends' now. Lack of communication, not working on relationship so the cheater turns away looking for a connection elsewhere.

  2. or the Cheater is just a bullshitter, very happy at home but still wants extra sex and thrill elsewhere...so mimics the scenario about (tells their new partner they are starved of affection, misunderstood etc to get them into bed)

In either scenario the new partner is led to believe that they are special and desired and will somehow be the cheaters saviour, and that the Cheater is not in love or having sex with their partner. (Or very infrequently and under duress)...and most of the time that's how the OW or OM get around the uncomfortable fact that their lover isn't only theirs.

Pechanga · 20/11/2020 10:25

@Alonelonelyloner

If he was happily married and sexually fulfilled, what do you think was the reason / driving force for him to have an affair with you? What do you think motivated him when he was seemly not actually unhappy in his relationship?

Onthedunes · 20/11/2020 17:56

Does it really matter whether someone is sleeping with his wife, or if he's going through a bad patch in his marriage?

The point is, is that he is married, it is not the ow's responsibility to decide whether the husband is telling the truth or not, it's irrelavant.

He's married.... move along.

I can hear undertones of 'if you can't beat them join em' mentality, as though it is sign of strength to act as un emotionally as men.
You view it as a sport thats rather good fun and so long as it doesn't hurt you its ok.

This is what men want you to buy into, Iv'e seen it in male dominated workplaces..... it's only banter, nobody will know, it's just a bit of fun, stop being so uptight.....right I'm in there.

It's conditioning on a grand scale by men.
They love nothing better than coming across a woman who cannot stand their ground.

That is strength.... a woman that has her own boundaries and respect for other women, you are disrespecting youselves in order to buy into this male idealism of spreading it about.

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed sisterhood may be dead to you but have you asked youself why?
Men love to devide and conquer, when women have a voice they do not like it, when women unite it scares them and spoils their dominance over our sex.

If men didn't want affairs to be commonplace don't you think the male dominated laws of this land would be changed to make it illegal to have affairs outside of marriage.

Hell they even have you fighting their battles for them on mumsnet.

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 18:05

@Onthedunes

Does it really matter whether someone is sleeping with his wife, or if he's going through a bad patch in his marriage?

The point is, is that he is married, it is not the ow's responsibility to decide whether the husband is telling the truth or not, it's irrelavant.

He's married.... move along.

I can hear undertones of 'if you can't beat them join em' mentality, as though it is sign of strength to act as un emotionally as men.
You view it as a sport thats rather good fun and so long as it doesn't hurt you its ok.

This is what men want you to buy into, Iv'e seen it in male dominated workplaces..... it's only banter, nobody will know, it's just a bit of fun, stop being so uptight.....right I'm in there.

It's conditioning on a grand scale by men.
They love nothing better than coming across a woman who cannot stand their ground.

That is strength.... a woman that has her own boundaries and respect for other women, you are disrespecting youselves in order to buy into this male idealism of spreading it about.

@Chewwithyourfuckingmouthclosed sisterhood may be dead to you but have you asked youself why?
Men love to devide and conquer, when women have a voice they do not like it, when women unite it scares them and spoils their dominance over our sex.

If men didn't want affairs to be commonplace don't you think the male dominated laws of this land would be changed to make it illegal to have affairs outside of marriage.

Hell they even have you fighting their battles for them on mumsnet.

Yes it matters, because sometimes people get together when their relationships are over in everything but the shouting. Doesn’t mean it’s right but it’s very different having an affair with someone who is exiting to someone who is lying through his teeth and just wanting a shag.

The rest of your post is bullshit. Men are individuals. My husband, my colleagues, my male friends, my friends husbands don’t behave anything like you describe. Yes some arseholes do but it is not every man. No where near.

MotherOfDragonite · 20/11/2020 18:24

Are you more interested in the element of secrecy, or being able to share a partner? Because lots of people in open and ethically polyamorous relationships also do this but without the lying.

Onthedunes · 20/11/2020 18:27

@Bluntness100... we meet again..

I understand what you are saying and yes the variables of how relationships fail are numerous but it does not alter the fact that marriage should be respected, it is in place to protect women (and men).

What would you prefer that marriage not exist and anything goes.

So you believe there is equality between men and women?

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 18:33

It should be respected yes. But by the married person. The responsibility is theirs. You cannot rely on other women to say no to your husband to keep him faithful

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 18:34

And if the married person doesn’t respect it why should anyone else?

evenBetter · 20/11/2020 18:34

chewwithyourfucking people who don’t agree with your filthy behavioural choices are not ‘trolls’ 😂

Onthedunes · 20/11/2020 18:54

Potatoes, portarters
Tomatoes, tomarters...

Tolls or trollops

Grin
Onthedunes · 20/11/2020 19:08

Or even Trolls Grin

LastInTheQueue · 20/11/2020 20:26

When DP and I started seeing each other we were both in long-term relationships. We were seeing each other for the sex, and if either of us were sleeping with of our partners, it really wasn’t any of the other person’s business.

My relationship and sex life with my exH was MY business and no one else’s, including him as the OM. Same went for me, and his relationship with his DP.

And neither relationship was “better”. They were just different, and that suited us both. There was no jealousy, no wanting anyone to leave their partners. We had our relationship, and then we had these other relationships that we were also committed to.

I do think it takes a particular mindset to be able to compartmentalise in that way, and we both did. A previous poster (sorry, can’t recall who) mentioned being “non-vanilla”, for want of a better term, and we both are, so maybe that’s why.

Onthedunes · 20/11/2020 21:25

@LastInTheQueue

Are you saying your husband knew you had a lover ?

LastInTheQueue · 20/11/2020 22:01

@onthedunes yes, my husband did know. And he had no issue with it - we’d had a dead bedroom for about 5 years by then.
When we did breakup, it wasn’t because of the OM - though we have ended up together.

@inthethickofit19 asked whether I cared about OM sleeping with his partner, and I didn’t. It was separate to my relationship with him.

And did I genuinely believe my relationship with OM was 'better' than the relationship he had with his DP? No, it was just different. There was no competition in any way.

I guess the follow up question is whether I am worried that OM-turned-DP will now cheat (sexually) on me? No. But we don’t have a traditional relationship in that sense.

Onthedunes · 20/11/2020 22:06

@LastInTheQueue

That's great, consenting adults and all that, no lies or deception.

Did his wife know ?

Bluntness100 · 20/11/2020 22:09

I’d struggle with that, the double dipping. It would make me squeamish. Different for you as you were not sleeping with your partner, but I couldn’t be doing with sleeping with a man who was also sleeping with someone else. It really gives me the ick.

I guess we are all different.

SentientAndCognisant · 20/11/2020 22:15

Double dipping.lol. That phrase reminds me out a heated exchange at a work do. An indiscretions regards the salsa and same tortilla chip being dipped multiple time.

LastInTheQueue · 20/11/2020 22:39

@onthedunes No, she did not. At the time I thought she did, but turns out she didn’t.
And, yes, I do feel bad about that because she had every right to know. Her DP should have told her.

Ultimately I was not responsible for their relationship, nor was I the reason why they ultimately broke up. But, yes she should have been told so SHE could choose whether to be in a relationship with someone who was having sex with someone else.

Elfieishere · 20/11/2020 22:53

I had an AP a while back.

I don’t know if he was sleeping with his wife or not and if I’m totally honest I didn’t care.

We weren’t exclusive so if I wanted to sleep with someone else then I would and I was sleeping with my partner at the same time anyway.

It was just sex, it was fun. I didn’t care what he did outside of the time we spent together.

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