Sexless marriage and desperate for a baby

[Wwyd70]

I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for by posting on here but I don’t know what else to do, so here goes.

My DH and I have been together for almost seven years now. We have had sex once in the past five years, nothing for the past four years or so. We had a really difficult start to married life with family illness and I think it just destroyed our relationship.

I am desperate for children but I know neither of us want to have sex, let alone regular sex when trying to conceive. It’s getting me down so much not having my own child.

I don’t think he is gay or cheating. I do think we love each other but I’m not sure we are in love. He is a great guy. Really caring. He is my best friend. But that’s the issue. I think we are just friends. I have brought up counselling so many times but he feels there isn’t an issue. There are still many factors that affect our relationship. His family is a big one, especially his sister. Since she had a DD he is always wanting to see them, spoiling the baby and it makes me even more resentful. I am also resentful at how our married life started and I feel like he chose his family over me.

Sorry for the rambling post. Just don’t know what to do anymore.

It sounds like it's time to call it a day, don't you think?

I think you know you need to leave

Get out of this sham of a marriage. You will end up childless and destroyed by bitterness and resentment.

Leave.

I guess your options are to either stay married and find a sperm donor or use artificial insemination with your husband's sperm (if your husband agrees to having a child) or you could end your marriage and then go down the sperm donor route as a single parent or start looking for a relationship with someone who wants children.

It's a difficult conversation that you are ultimately going to have to have with your husband.

You haven't had sex for five years, and he feels that there isn't an issue.

Have you asked him why he's married to you?

I think you know what you're going to have to do. You don't want to do it because it would be mean. But he's being mean to you, refusing to let you have the life you thought you were signing up for and then telling you it isn't a problem. Doesn't sound particularly caring put liek that, does it?

He's either gay, cheating on you or has the lowest sex drive known to mankind. It's not worth even trying to figure out. Whatever the answer it isn't good. Sorry OP. Time to start again.

(damn)

I think you need to sit down and lay the cards on the table, I also think it might be worth you attending some kind of relationship counselling alone even if he won’t go because it might clear your head and give you strength to do what you need to do to be happy, which may involve leaving this relationship.

Why don’t you want to have sex? Are you sure he doesn’t want to?

I know neither of us want to have sex

So neither of you want sex? Does he want a family?
If you want a family then sex is a fairly common way to start so even if you separate you will still need to have sex.

Hi OP, it's never easy to advise someone to leave a marriage.

BUT if you are not happy, and there's a fairly obvious problem in the relationship, AND he won't consent to getting counselling with you, then I think you have no choice but to give him an ultimatum - that it's counselling or you will begin moving towards separation.

Once he knows you are serious (I don't underestimate people's ability to live with heads in the sand to an impossible degree, I've seen it too often) then he'll decide - and you will either begin counselling about your problems (with separating one of the possible outcomes of that), or you'll have to leave - because you owe yourself more than a life with someone who won't work with you to fix a broken marriage.

Best of luck x

How would you suggest trying to conceive? Do you think it’s fair to bring a child into a marriage like this?

This was me. We met when I was 33, married at 36 and sex became a huge issue. I was "too pushy", "showed no interest" etc etc. I left when I was 42 and I am 44 now. I will not be a mother. Do yourself a huge favour and leave this man.

If neither of you want to have sex, and both of you have no inclinations to seek it elsewhere or forge other romantic relationships then you are possibly a pretty good match (as long as you both love each other of course)

But if that's the case you probably both need to voice it out loud so you know where you are at, as there can be no room for doubt on this one - if one of you isn't happy with the set up the relationship is unlikely to last long term.

If you are both happy and both want children of course there are ways of doing this - you can agree to have sex at optimum times, you can inseminate with his sperm or a donor's.

Do you genuinely not want to have sex? If you had a baby, would you be happy with him and no sex ever again?

It's a perfectly valid way to live, and fine if both partners agree. You can buy a home insemination kit for quite cheap and just do it that way.

Sex is often called a "Barometer" for a marriage .It seems set on gentle breeze /cloudy ATM. Should be Thunder and Lightning bolts! You have been together 7 years and have only had sex once in the last 4 years! Something is not working here is it? You are still young and need to talk to your DH .If you feel anything can be achieved by that .He certainly sounds unusual for a young man,unless he has a porn habit! I would give it 6 months then make plans to leave .

So many older women get stuck like this( Sorry for your experiences Zesty Dragon) please dont settle for this

@Wwyd70

You are good friends, not lovers. This is not a meaningful relationship in terms of marriage.
A bloke that doesn't want sex...serious medical issue or other factors involved.

I suggest you negotiate a amicable divorce and meat someone that you are not know friend with but lovers and you will realise what the difference is. Best of luck OP

@Rockpapershoot
Did you see the part where in OPs post where she says she doesnt want to have sex either? Some people do just have very low sex drives and no libido. Shock horror, men included!!! Some people also just dont like sex period!

It sounds like OP is in the same boat as her DH.....neither of them want to have sex so this is not an issue for just him and saying start again is not easy when you are in that situation, which, from OP's post they are both facing the same problem.....no sex drive and no desire to sex. If OP wants a baby, ending her relationship with DH isnt going to magic a sex drive up if she has no desire for it currently.

TBH it sounds as though the situation has gone on so long that it is never likely to change. There is something very odd about your DH claiming there is no issue when you suggest counselling. Not having sex for years clearly is a big issue. It sounds as though you might be better off leaving rather than wasting any more time hoping for change.

If neither of you want sex that’s fine.

The problem is that you haven’t spoken to your partner about this. Why haven’t you had a conversation about kids and how you feel about sex?

I'm in a similar position OP - been with DP for 8 years, haven't had sex for over 4. I suppose it's a bit different in that we don't want kids, and he is much older than me (60 next birthday), but there have been times when i've questioned if it's actually "right".
I guess you just have to weigh up if all the other parts of your relationship are strong enough for you to want to stay together (sex shouldn't be the "be all and end all") .... and if having a baby (however you might manage that) would make things better / worse - and ultimately be the right thing to do for that new little life......

How old are you both?

OP you don't want sex either...at all or just with him?