Sexless marriage and desperate for a baby

[Wwyd70]

I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for by posting on here but I don’t know what else to do, so here goes.

My DH and I have been together for almost seven years now. We have had sex once in the past five years, nothing for the past four years or so. We had a really difficult start to married life with family illness and I think it just destroyed our relationship.

I am desperate for children but I know neither of us want to have sex, let alone regular sex when trying to conceive. It’s getting me down so much not having my own child.

I don’t think he is gay or cheating. I do think we love each other but I’m not sure we are in love. He is a great guy. Really caring. He is my best friend. But that’s the issue. I think we are just friends. I have brought up counselling so many times but he feels there isn’t an issue. There are still many factors that affect our relationship. His family is a big one, especially his sister. Since she had a DD he is always wanting to see them, spoiling the baby and it makes me even more resentful. I am also resentful at how our married life started and I feel like he chose his family over me.

Sorry for the rambling post. Just don’t know what to do anymore.

Yes, you need to have a good chat. If you're both happy in your relationship without sex, artificial insemination is the way to go. But there really is such a lot to talk about first.
Best wishes OP

OP: "neither of us want sex"
MN first responders: Leave him it's all his fault. FFS this place is so toxic. At least there are some more constructive comments further down.

Do you have have normal intimacy? Kisses, cuddling or holding hands? Would you consider a sex therapist?
Does he want children? Being good with other people’s children doesn’t mean you want them.

Sex is often called a "Barometer" for a marriage .It seems set on gentle breeze /cloudy ATM. Should be Thunder and Lightning bolts

This is nonsense. There are many ways to be happy in a marriage, from no sex at all to constant. There is no "should be" about it, and you shouldn't tell people there is.
If both sides are happy, its all good. But if they aren't its not. It's that simple.

OP, are you happy with the way things are, other than having a baby? Does he want one? There are other ways to concieve.

I have name changed as I post quite a bit. I could have written this myself 25 years ago. I too was married to my best friend, a good guy but we hadn't had sex for years so the baby I longed for wasn't going to happen.

We tried counselling but it didn't work, in fact it made things worse as it opened up a can of worms. To this day I still don't know what our problem was other than we didn't want to have sex with each other.
So, I resorted to getting blind drunk a few times - not something I would recommend - so I could bear to DTD. But I couldn't sustain it and accepted the fact that I would never be a mother as long as I was in this relationship.
Miraculously following one of the drunken sessions I conceived - which is why I don't recommend it - and became a mum but we never had sex again.
Sadly the marriage didn't survive, I think because of the soul searching we had to do during counselling, and we separated before our DC was 2.

I met someone else very quickly and went on to have 2 more children.
I can't tell you what to do but wanted to share my experience in case it helps. Good Luck with whatever you choose to do.

Why would it be remotely ok to bring a child into this dysfunction?

OP wanting a kid is not good enough. You are a human not an animal and so can exercise restraint over ridiculous obsession..and one that will tie you to a man you don't love for the longterm future.

Separate, get your life stable, then consider kids.
In the mean time, give your head a wobble.

Why would it be remotely ok to bring a child into this dysfunction?

Who are you to call it dysfunction?

And why so bloody rude

If you're both ok not have sexing then why not try artificial insemination? Lots of lesbian couples get pregnant that way.

*sex not sexing

You need to talk to him OP. Does he want kids? Would you both be willing to go about it a different way (insemination etc?).

Is that resentment about his family a factor in the lack of passion, or separate? Do you think it's a dealbreaker even if the lack of sex isn't?

If you are happy, loving and content together generally and both want children then you have stronger foundations than many families.

And you're thinking about bringing a child into this loveless mess?

Friendship is an excellent basis for a marriage and no sex isn't a problem if both parties don't want it. If you are both happy and want a child then you can just use your husband's sperm to inseminate yourself.

However, you both need to be on the same page and happy for this to work.

@amandaholdenslips lack of sex does not necessarily equate to lack of love. Me and DP love each other very much - but we don't have sex

Please leave this marriage, you don't need to tell anyone why as that would understandably be embarrassing but don't still be there with no prospect of a child in 12 months time. This was me at 36 after a 13 year relationship, I left and did meet someone else and now have 3 children. My original relationship (which had become a friendship) would never have stood my resentment at not having children. It took me years and years before I left and obviously I didn't know if I actually would meet anyone else, but I had to give myself the chance.
Have just glanced upthread and seen someone has suggested the possibility of home insemination with your husbands sperm. Couples do end up doing that for various reasons and it could work but only if you absolutely want to be with that man and no other and have a family with him.
These forums have people of all sorts of ages who have been where you are a decade ago or more and are trying to tell you what they would tell their younger selves. Be proud of yourself for taking action to get what you want most in the world. Wishing you the best of luck.

Have you had sex since you married? Is your marriage actually valid? How do you generally behave towards him and do you have any issues yourself? There must be more to the story. Perhaps there's a trauma of some kind on his part that you're not aware of.

@LilyWater

Have you had sex since you married? Is your marriage actually valid? How do you generally behave towards him and do you have any issues yourself? There must be more to the story. Perhaps there's a trauma of some kind on his part that you're not aware of.

It's not just 'his part' neither of them are interested in having sex. It's the baby she wants. Even if she leaves she'll still have to have sex to have a baby unless it's AI. So no point suggesting leaving if she's otherwise happy and would be equally unwilling to have sex with someone else.

It's strange that some of the posters are acting like the OP is in a purposefully sexless relationship when OP describes their relationship as "destroyed" a sentence after describing the sexlessness. I presume that when she says she doesn't want to have sex, she means with her husband, not in general. Obviously I could be wrong, but that's what it seems to me.

@GoJoe2020

Why would it be remotely ok to bring a child into this dysfunction?

Who are you to call it dysfunction?

And why so bloody rude

This has clearly touched a nerve. They’re not happily plodding along in satisfied mutual celibacy. They haven’t had sex in 4 years, they don’t talk about why, she’s unhappy enough to have suggested counselling and he’s refused as he doesn’t think there’s an issue. So either he’s lying and there are reasons for his la k if action he’s not willing to be honest about, or he’s genuinely happy being celibate and doesn’t give a crap that she’s not and wants third party intervention to tackle the issue and improve their communication. It’s dysfunctional. It’s not a picture of a happy content sexless marriage. OP is desperate to be a mother and anticipates feeling resentful at both a rubbish marriage and no baby. She can’t talk to her husband, isn’t allowed to seek therapy with him and is looking down the barrel of no children.

Get divorced. Hopefully you will find someone who has the same dreams and desires

Have you told him you want a baby?

What about donor insemination?

@ForestDad

OP: "neither of us want sex" MN first responders: Leave him it's all his fault. FFS this place is so toxic. At least there are some more constructive comments further down.

Yes, so alarming isn't it! It feels like some people have a template "LTB" response ready to shoot off in response to any marriage dilemma involving a man!

@bigfatliar - I'm certainly not implying she should leave, actually the opposite. However if the marriage has not been consummated, it's normally invalid anyway. Other posters on here are screaming LTB based on very limited information.

@ForestDad

OP: "neither of us want sex" MN first responders: Leave him it's all his fault. FFS this place is so toxic. At least there are some more constructive comments further down.

TBH I'm really thinking of leaving mumsnet for this reason! We have to take into consideration that we are getting one side of the story in most posts. OP has clearly stated it is a mutual feeling so why is it instantly the mans fault? Every man mentioned on MN seems to be a cheating, good for nothing! Yes I know some terrible men, but my father, DH, Uncles, grandfathers are all great men! Sorry a little off topic but it's rare to see this kind of post!

Why would you want to bring a child into a shit marriage?

I'm one of the poster who's suggested she leaves. Neither of them want to have sex. But the OP has suggested counselling numerous times and her DH thinks there's no issue. Both partners are in a relationship without sex, but the OP is at least trying to address that. I think that puts the tin lid on the relationship.