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Original poster

Sexless marriage and desperate for a baby

78 replies

Wwyd70 · 11/11/2020 15:35

I’m not really sure what I’m hoping for by posting on here but I don’t know what else to do, so here goes.

My DH and I have been together for almost seven years now. We have had sex once in the past five years, nothing for the past four years or so. We had a really difficult start to married life with family illness and I think it just destroyed our relationship.

I am desperate for children but I know neither of us want to have sex, let alone regular sex when trying to conceive. It’s getting me down so much not having my own child.

I don’t think he is gay or cheating. I do think we love each other but I’m not sure we are in love. He is a great guy. Really caring. He is my best friend. But that’s the issue. I think we are just friends. I have brought up counselling so many times but he feels there isn’t an issue. There are still many factors that affect our relationship. His family is a big one, especially his sister. Since she had a DD he is always wanting to see them, spoiling the baby and it makes me even more resentful. I am also resentful at how our married life started and I feel like he chose his family over me.

Sorry for the rambling post. Just don’t know what to do anymore.

OP posts:
doris9034 · 11/11/2020 18:24

[quote LilyWater]@bigfatliar - I'm certainly not implying she should leave, actually the opposite. However if the marriage has not been consummated, it's normally invalid anyway. Other posters on here are screaming LTB based on very limited information.[/quote]
Erm .... don't think that's correct. You can annul it on those grounds if you want to, but a couple are still legally married (in the UK) even if they have never had intercourse

GoJoe2020 · 11/11/2020 18:30

they have had sex, so thats irrelevant.

It's up to OP to decide if its a shit marriage or not, not MN

Skyla2005 · 11/11/2020 18:37

You don’t want to have sex with him but would you want to have sex with someone else. If you still would like a sex life then you should leave. Don’t bring a child into this world with an unhappy mum stuck in a bad situation and not wanting to break up the family. Leave now and have a family with somebody you are compatable with. Life’s too short for all this.

Joeblack066 · 11/11/2020 20:39

OP, are you both asexual? Does he never discuss it because he feels ashamed? It’s fine to be asexual, and for all the Mumsnettersscreaming LTB maybe you’re a romantic loving relationship without sex? So maybe he thinks when you suggest therapy it’s to force a sex live into him when he (and you) neither need or desire this?
Here is some information - go talk to your husband 💜
www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.bbc.com/news/amp/magazine-41569900

AnneLovesGilbert · 11/11/2020 20:42

@GoJoe2020

they have had sex, so thats irrelevant.

It's up to OP to decide if its a shit marriage or not, not MN

She’s worried enough to post on MN about how she thinks she’ll resent him. He’s refusing counselling to work through their issues.

It’s a bad marriage.

If you can’t see that and are so upset by people who can then maybe start your own thread.

mcmooberry · 11/11/2020 21:19

People complaining about others advice to leave clearly have little or no understanding about the likelihood of a couple who have had sex once in 5 years and are now only friends ever rekindling a romantic relationship. We are advising her based on experience that it won't get better and has gone past the point where it might. The OP doesn't even have any sexual feelings towards her husband, so leaving (and no one is suggesting he is a B) while there is hopefully still time to have children with someone else, is the correct advice here I believe.

Daphnise · 11/11/2020 21:38

Some of the same old MN stock responses-"Leave him".

As if they ever would or have, at one minute's notice.

If you don't want sex then have insemination some other way, and please stop complaining. Having a baby is not the main thing in your life- whay not sort out your marriage first?

category12 · 11/11/2020 22:22

Of course ending the relationship is a valid and sensible suggestion.

  • Op has described a really difficult start to married life
  • that she thinks just destroyed our relationship.
  • They don't have sex and don't want to.
  • She came out with the classic I do think we love each other but I’m not sure we are in love.
  • and that He is my best friend. But that’s the issue. I think we are just friends.
  • He won't go to counselling.
  • She is resentful of the past, and the current situation.

And they've spent years like this, getting nowhere. How long exactly should they drag it out, with resentment growing and the very real possibility of losing her chance for children? Wouldn't they be better splitting as amicably as possible and getting on with full lives with other people?

And bollocks are the people here advising ltb without having done it themselves. Half the time we're accused of being bitter harpies that can't keep a man , the other half smug marrieds Hmm.

Sunflowergirl1 · 12/11/2020 09:05

@GoJoe2020

This is nonsense. There are many ways to be happy in a marriage, from no sex at all to constant.

It isn't nonsense. A few marriages might survive for exceptional reasons but few people are Haley in a sexless marriage. And reading threads in MN is enough to make you realise that

GoJoe2020 · 12/11/2020 09:44

It isn't nonsense. A few marriages might survive for exceptional reasons but few people are Haley in a sexless marriage. And reading threads in MN is enough to make you realise that

Don't be so silly. MN isn't representative. There are all kinds of people who don't post on MN, and pretty obviously, the perfectly happy people are not posting about their relationships.
There are people happy in sexless and low sex marriages. Lots of them. OP probably isn't one of them, but you're clueless if you don't think they exist.

AnneLovesGilbert · 12/11/2020 13:32

There are people happy in sexless and low sex marriages.

How many of those want children?

GoJoe2020 · 12/11/2020 14:24

I have no idea. That doesn't make any difference to the fact they exist.

PhannyPharts · 12/11/2020 14:32

They exist yes - but lots of them? I think that's a stretch

GoJoe2020 · 12/11/2020 14:36

Really? Lots of older couples no longer have sex. Did you forget about older people? Do they not exist?
It happens with younger couples too. Don't assume what you don't know.

mummyof2lou · 13/11/2020 10:20

Please don't bring a child into this. Find someone you can have a child with born out of love, for all your sakes and future.

PhannyPharts · 24/11/2020 10:14

I didn't forget about older people- do you just assume once you get older everyone checks out their sexuality?

i know people 70 + still enjoying sex. Its not me forgetting anything.

Chamomileteaplease · 24/11/2020 11:03

There are still many factors that affect our relationship. His family is a big one, especially his sister. Since she had a DD he is always wanting to see them, spoiling the baby and it makes me even more resentful. I am also resentful at how our married life started and I feel like he chose his family over me

Never mind the sex, it sounds like your marriage is in deep trouble anyway. Bring a child into the mix and you will have even more trouble with your inlaws.

Get out now while you can.

Confused15551987 · 26/11/2020 12:58

Hi OP. Firstly, I feel for you, and I have been in your shoes. I was with my ex for 12 years, married for 1, and both of us wanted children. We had not had sex for 6 years by the time I left. It was the hardest decision I have ever made, but I came to realise that things were never going to change between us. Not only did I want children (and he did too), but I also wanted intimacy, cuddles, kisses, I wanted someone to want me, to find me attractive and to love me as more than just a friend. And that is what we were, friends. Some people might be ok with that, but I wasnt and it sounds like youre not either. My personal suggestions would be, dont make any sudden decisions, you need to be sure whatever you do is definitely the right thing for you. Keep trying to communicate. And dont blame yourself. I spent a long time feeling really rubbish about myself and thinking I had ruined everything, along with feeling frustrated that our relationship had failed, but I have come to realise now that we just werent compatible as a couple. And thats OK, there is someone out there for everyone. I just wish it hadn`t taken me 12 years to realise, haha!! Good luck, and feel free to private message me if I can help.

Keratinsmooth · 26/11/2020 15:07

Your position is self destructive, time for tough talking or walking.

Martin123456 · 18/02/2021 13:20

Did you sort it. Only ask as am in a similar situation?

Helloandhelloagain · 18/02/2021 15:04

If you’re unhappy now putting a baby on top will make it more miserable. Sleepless nights, generally a lack of time for each other in the beginning . I think what you actually want is a distraction from the fact that your marriage needs serious work or you separate. That’s what you need to do first . Seriously do not bring a baby into this loveless marriage. Sorry to be blunt but you need to really look

Onelifeonly · 18/02/2021 15:36

Going back to the original post. OP have you not asked your DH how there can be 'no issue' if you want a baby?

Forgetting whether the marriage is worth saving or not for all the other reasons you allude to, there is an obvious issue.

Has he said he doesn't want children? If so, your way forward is clear, if you are desperate for them.

If he does want them, is he waiting for a magical moment when you will both spontaneously want sex? It will never happen, if he is. And one act of sex isn't that likely to lead to conception, unless you time it very carefully. In which case it can't be spontaneous.

If he can be persuaded to try donor insemination, that's a way forward but presumably you have thought of that?

But in any case I don't sense the lack of a chance to conceive a baby IS your only issue, though I quite understand if it is your over riding feeling - the motivation to have a child can certainly be all-consuming.

You need to look at your relationship overall. And step back from the focus on a baby. It's possible you are only holding on to this relationship because you feel it's your only chance of a baby, when actually there is no chance of that unless something changes. And your chances might be far higher if you leave and look for someone else. Or even decide to go it alone with donor insemination.

You don't have to stay together. You can't go on as you are. You need to make a decision, with or without him.

Onelifeonly · 18/02/2021 15:37

Sorry, mean artificial insemination in my 5th paragraph.

Fiona2020 · 18/02/2021 15:39

I’m confused as to how you don’t want to have sex with him? Even 2years in you had basically stopped? That’s still the honeymoon period? I think you need to be real and get packing

peridito · 18/02/2021 15:55

The OP posted back in November .I hope she made a decision and is ok with it .

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