How much did your dh do when your dc were babies?

[Litebritesnow]

I was reading another thread and this kind of made me wonder. I’ve accepted things as they are with dh but I’m starting to think it’s not the norm.
I was reading about women who were talking about what their dh did when they had small babies.
My dc were both c sections. The second dc was very unwell when born and we spent three weeks in hospital. I couldn’t feed her so I expressed every three hours day and night for the first 12 months and then dropped down to every four / five hours until she was two.
Dc1 I fed for a few weeks and failed then as well and expressed but only until he was about six months.
Dh works full time.
He didn’t do a single night feed. He didn’t cook a single meal. He didn’t give me a lie in. He didn’t do bathtime. He didn’t do storytime. He carried on going out all day on a Saturday with his friends. He did nothing round the house. I can remember vacuuming the stairs ten days post c section with dc1.
I thought this was just how it was. Is it not?

I mean it doesn’t matter now, it’s largely continued that I do everything for the dc and in the house, 99% - but they are primary aged now. I just didn’t realise I suppose that it wasn’t exactly the norm when the dc were babies to be doing it all. Dc1 was a crier and a terrible sleeper and was up half the night and dh said afterwards he used to volunteer to travel away as much as possible so he got a better night’s sleep. But he was working full time so I suppose that’s understandable.

That is definitely not the norm OP - and I say that as someone who was a SAHM when my DC were little, while my DH worked long hours, so clearly I did most of the childcare. I also EBF so I did all the night feeds.

But NEVER giving you a lie in or cooking you a meal? Never doing bathtime or story time for his own kids? That is absolutely awful and your DH sounds like a massive, sexist twat

I think your experience is fairly common tbh from what I've seen in family and friends. It's more and more common now though for both parents to do 50/50. My DH was (and still is) great with our boys, he's always done half when he's not at work. When I had to get up to feed them or settle them in the night he always got up too to keep me company. He gets up to settle them in the night even more than I do now. He did everything while I was recovering from my section.
He never really did any housework though. If I asked him to do something he would and he does some of the cooking. I organise everything but he is great at handing over his debit card no questions asked 😁 as long as he just needs to turn up to whatever I've organised without getting too involved in the planning.

My DH did a lot. For each baby we both did night feeds (I breastfed and then he changed nappy and settled them back to sleep). We both did toddler nightmare and vomiting all over the sheets night wakings or sitting up with sick child. I did bath time, he did story and song bedtime. We both cooked, me more than him. He did morning up, breakfast and school run. I did afternoon pickup and dinner. We both helped with homework. We both volunteered with parent-teacher organisation. We both did housework- concept was we both do chores for same amount time on a Saturday until it’s all done. I did doctors and dentist appointments, he did their evening clubs (acting, scouts, etc).

We both worked full time and had careers.

So while I think your situation is not ideal, or “normal” I don’t think it’s uncommon.

It's not the norm in our relationship but every relationship is different.
Personally I'd have gone skitz at him.
We splits the night into 2. 7pm - 2am I would sleep and he would do all feeds etc at this time. From 2am onwards I did it. That way we both got uninterrupted sleep time.
We got a cleaner because he refuses to clean the toilet. I hoover and he does more of the laundry.
I made it clear when pregnant that this was his baby as much as mine and he was expected to do as much as me and he always has... But I am probably spoilt and lucky.

Yes OP that was my ex , and the main reason we broke up. Only had the one child with him , you must have been exhausted.

I'm not sure if you went back to work but I did and I couldn't work out how it was more important for him to be refreshed for work than it was for me. Hes long gone and doing it to someone else now!

So maybe it’s just how it is in some relationships. With dc2 I was very unwell too, not physically apart from the c section, but I pretty much had a breakdown since I’d had three miscarriages before her and it all hit me after she was born and then so unwell. I think probably the broken sleep didn’t help me much.

I do not think what you describe is either normal or OK. I have three children and many friends with children and all have had more help than you, although the amount of help definitely varies by relationship.

The going out all day Saturday would probably upset me most. Does he not enjoy family time? Does he not want his children to remember spending time with him? Does he not think you deserve a break?

FWIW my husband worked full time too while I was on maternity. He didn’t do night feeds as i breastfed. However, he would take the babies in the evenings so I could go to bed early and get sleep in. He would take them downstairs early in the morning after their first feed so I could sleep a little more. We shared cooking and house chores. He spent all his spare time with us enjoying his kids and taking half the burden of running the family. My kids are now older and he is very close to them all. We both work full time now and do 50% of almost everything.

My DH came home from work and had a bath with baby son on his thighs and washed him. I took him then and dried and dressed him while DH got dried. I made up the bottle and DH fed him and we both put him to bed at 7pm I then cooked dinner for us and went to bed about 9. DH stayed up and did dream feed about 11 every night. I was able to sleep from 9-4am and did every night feed. DH got up for work about 7am and I got up with baby. It was like that every day. I was alone most of the days and so did everything else. He didn't change many nappies but the bath and bed routine was enough for me.

He cooked.

I went back to work early-ish and had a long commute. He worked locally.

I did everything else.

He's an ex.

Dh occasionally with dc1 would say - you get up and get him dressed and feed him and then come back to bed. But I didn’t because once I was up I was up. I needed him to get up in the first instance else I was up and awake anyway. Dc1 didn’t sleep through until he was at school 😬😬

I don't know if that's normal, @Litebritesnow, but it's certainly not fair. I felt so sad reading your post because your DH sounds incredibly selfish and unsupportive.

My DH isn't perfect - neither of us are and neither of us expect the other to be - but we both parent our DD. It's roughly equal when he's not working, and even when he's working he'll pop down to change the odd nappy or give me a few minutes break. I remember one time back in the early days that he paced our hallway for four hours rocking DD so that I could have a few hours sleep.

Given that you're asking the question, it must be playing on your mind that your DH hasn't been a good partner . . . ?

Lots because he loves our kids. When I was off on mat leave he did frifat night and sat morning to give me sleep. Now that I'm back to work we swap every night as to who is on duty if our one year old wakes up. We have a four year old top and he does story and bath time whenever he is home from work and always at the weekends.

Not normal and not ok.

Does he actually like his children? I feel sorry for them because it sounds like they have a dad who doesn't really give a shit about them.

I don't think that's normal at all.

My ex had his faults, but he cooked and cleaned and supported me through the baby stages.

I had two sections and between my DH, my mum and mil they took care of all the cooking, shopping, housework. When DH was back at work and I was breastfeeding but he’d do his share of share of what he could and has always gotten up with DC on weekends so I can catch up on sleep. He’s good when I’ve been totally knackered and unable to do things but once DC have slept better and I’ve been more on top of things then there has been a shift to me doing more than my fair share.

I exclusively breastfed both my lo's so did all the night feeds etc... which I accepted. The first time around with dc 1, I felt like my dh didn't do enough but he still did all the cooking (he always has) and he would take the baby so I could sleep, do the cleaning, bathe and change the baby etc... - but I generally had to ask. He wasn't very proactive but more reactive. He also did his hobby a lot and didn't seem to appreciate the fact that I didn't get the same time to myself which caused a lot of resentment.

The second time around with dc 2 he was much better. We had got the 'hang' of parenthood with our first by then and he pretty much did most things around the house and for our eldest without me having to ask so I could just focus on the baby and resting. He also was a lot more conscious about being fair when it came to him getting time to himself and made sure I got the same or at least showed a lot of appreciation for getting to chance to go out etc... while I held down the fort at home. It made a big difference. Felt like we were a team second time around and there was no resentment.

That sounds so hard OP, and neither normal (in my experience) or fair. Now the children are older is he giving you lie ins and doing bath/story/bed time?

I work part time. In the week I’m up at 5.45 (dh 8.15) and then I sort both kids out before I have to leave and drop them to before school club. The two days I’m not at work I get up at 6am so not much later anyway. Then I do everything in the house as well.
I don’t mind this so much because I do have two days off in the week, although in non lockdown times dh has two days at the weekends because he is out on a Saturday and not out of bed til lunchtime on the Sunday.

Def not the norm. When I was breastfeeding DH would settle/change nappy and then night feeds once I had stopped. He still does the dc bath every night and puts them to bed (I do Sunday he does the other 6). He does their dinner at times ...he works full time but I must admit he has an office job so not physical labour.

I don’t have as much experience as you, my DC is just shy of 5 months old and it’s our first.

But, DP is great, wakes up and changes nappy whenever it’s required in the night and always has done. He’s changed jobs to be around more, takes over at lunch/break/end of work (he’s currently wfh in new job). He takes DC out with some expressed milk to see friends/shop/walk with dog. He doesn’t do night feeds because I find we all sleep more if I just flop a boob in but he has offered.

He does most bath times now he’s 9-5, also cooks about 50% of meals.

To be honest though, I specifically look for that ‘type’ of person in a partner. I wouldn’t have accepted doing all the housework or what ever before so I certainly wouldn’t now that I’m tired and cranky. I find there is an enormous disparity in how women and men are judged during child related activities. I find myself correcting people ALL THE TIME when they say things like ‘does he help with .. blah blah ’ ‘its good he helping you’ when not once ever has anyone said that I’m helping him by staying off and taking a pay cut and delaying my career progression whilst he continues to progress.

I remind him weekly of the sacrifices me/women make and it needs to be recognised. Women need to remember how we’re ‘helping’ them by looking after the children so that it doesn’t have to be outsourced, sometimes at huge cost.

Why arethusa getting up so early on your days off?

I didn’t feel oh did enough first time round although he did take the baby every evening so I could sleep. Cant remember what else he did.
This time he takes the baby in the evening, vacuums, tidies, does the outside heavy jobs, will do bath time, he would cook but we’d rather he didn’t!

*Are you

DH did this initially. Didn't seem to care if I was tired or in pain, he would always say he had it worse and was more tired from work I was living in a hospital with DD round the clock but he had to drive there (really). I cried, begged, shouted, reasoned, got counselling, got couples counselling but the reality was when I was on mat leave he believed his only responsibility was work and that was it. He may cuddle DD for 10 mins for some facebook likes but nothing actually helpful. I returned to work when she was 10 months (the first in our nct group), and started a business that is taking off and getting me out of the house more. It was so needed to redress the balance. I still do more but I think many relationships are like that. There is no way I would be a SAMH (I'm sure it works for some but few i have seen)