How much did your dh do when your dc were babies?

[Litebritesnow]

I was reading another thread and this kind of made me wonder. I’ve accepted things as they are with dh but I’m starting to think it’s not the norm.
I was reading about women who were talking about what their dh did when they had small babies.
My dc were both c sections. The second dc was very unwell when born and we spent three weeks in hospital. I couldn’t feed her so I expressed every three hours day and night for the first 12 months and then dropped down to every four / five hours until she was two.
Dc1 I fed for a few weeks and failed then as well and expressed but only until he was about six months.
Dh works full time.
He didn’t do a single night feed. He didn’t cook a single meal. He didn’t give me a lie in. He didn’t do bathtime. He didn’t do storytime. He carried on going out all day on a Saturday with his friends. He did nothing round the house. I can remember vacuuming the stairs ten days post c section with dc1.
I thought this was just how it was. Is it not?

That sounds very difficult Litebritesnow, especially with the miscarriages on top . I'm not sure I would have made it to DC2 with how unsupportive he's being.

Other than breastfeeding and pumping, my spouse was the main carer when they were all little. I still fondly remember that first evening out of hospital, my spouse singing 'Love will come through' while changing a nappy before taking him for a few hours so I could catch up on sleep. He would walk, rock, or lay with them to help them sleep once they weren't feeding to sleep - we ended up putting a mattress on the floor by their bed as toddlers so he could rest more in there during night duty. My spouse does the vast majority of the cooking (for the first month with DC1, he cooked for us and his parents as we stayed with them) even now that he works full-time out of the home and on his nights off work he does a lot of the cleaning that's awkward to do with kids around like a full floor sweep or the toilet (because someone is always going to need the loo during the 30 minutes that stuff is meant to sit).

You're right in what was done then is now in the past, but that doesn't mean it needs to keep going like this. Home and childcare ratios change as things change and sometimes that change is feeling like the past wasn't good enough and that the future could be more balanced. Yes, working full time is a load, but plenty of us have or do work full time and still do our part.

You poor thing. Threads like this really do remind me how lucky I am. We have 4 children, twins and one single birth were c section so I had nothing but help and support from my husband, friends and family. I work part time. He's full time. He shared most of the night feeds, I only did a bit more than him when on maternity leave as he work's but any time since pregnancy and over the last ten years any time I need a cry, hug, help or time away he's there. He has time away to now and again. He calls us The Team. We have our ups and downs sure but having children with a partner who doesn't or won't help, no I don't get that. Takes two to make a baby, why should you do all of it alone? He doesn't even read them a bedtime story or bath them you say?! , I'd have left by now, you're a single parent. I hope things get better somehow and if you ever have another c section don't hoover that soon! You could have really hurt yourself, he sounds horrible, sorry but I just feel for you x

Ds was a colic and reflux baby too so I understand how hell it must have been. Your dh was just horrible. One thing for sure is,if dh made such comments i would not have had a second one with him!!

My exh did absolutely sweet FA when my boy was a baby. Never did a feed, and he was exclusively bottle fed, never changed a nappy, never did bath time, never looked after him when he was ill. He expected me to do all cooking, cleaning washing etc, even when I went back to work. Its the reason I only had one child, and one of many reasons why he's now an ex. Dick

This wasn't the norm in my relationship - my DH was (and still is!) very hands on. He works during the day so I look after our 6 month old twins. He deals with any night wakings and feeds so I at least get a full night's sleep ready for looking after (whingy teething!) twins the next day! Appreciate we probably aren't the normal but this works well for us.

If my dh had behaved that way I wouldn't have stayed around to have 2 mc and another child with him. For the safety of the first child I would've left.

Whether it's normal or not I don't know but it's certainly not right.

Similar to you OP however (and I know shouldn't have had to) but I don't remember asking him to do things. When I arrived back from hospital with DD1, I had to cook a meal. My DP and my parents were there, it's very sad but I will never forget how let down I felt, to me it showed how little they cared about me. However again, I should have just not done it.

To turn this around, imagine your DH had just returned from hospital after major surgery (which a Csection is) - would you just leave him there and not take care of him? No, because it's normal to think about and help someone you care about. I'm afraid I think this is why so many marriages/relationships fail, especially when women get older.

My DH was a very hands on dad. He did night feeds, day feeds, baths, nappies, walking round the streets with a grizzling baby to get him to sleep - whatever needed doing, whoever was free did it. He also did a lot of the cooking and most of the housework, and picked DS up from nursery. He finished work at lunchtime (postman) so would be around all afternoon while I was at work full time. I think what helped is that he had been a single parent for years and DSS2 was only a baby when his ex walked out and left them, so he knew what he was doing, more than me! I always thought that my experience was universal and have been shocked to find out that many men aren't as engaged or confident with their own children.

Definitely not like that around here. Actually with our first, who was bottle fed, dh was up every single night feed (except 1!) for the first 9 months. He made the bottle while I did the changing, and then we alternated a bit on who did the feeding, though a lot of the time it was me. He would do more of the early mornings though, giving me a lie in to catch up on sleep before he went to work. I honestly remember the one night he didn't help with night feeds (because he'd gone for a very rare night out and was too drunk to get up and do it and I remember being really pissed at him that he wasn't helping).

Dh did all the bathtimes and I tended to do bedtime. This was to the point that I actually didn't even know how to do bathtime and whenever he was away and I did it, dd would get annoyed with me because I didn't 'do it right like daddy!'. Tasks around the house also generally shared. I do the shopping and cooking because I'm more picky about having nice food to eat. But dh spends time with dc, does homework, tidies up while I do that. In normal times, I work away part of some weeks, gone before anyone wakes up and home just in time for bedtime, so these days dh does everything.

Realistically, we both have busy lives and busy careers that we care a lot about. If we didn't both pull our weight equally, it just wouldn't work.

OP, this is not normal, it’s awful and totally uncaring. Your partner seems to regard you as a nanny/housekeeper rather than the person he vowed to love and cherish before God.
My own DH took 2 weeks off work when DD was born and changed every single nappy. He said as I had to do the feeds, he would deal with the other end! He had a 40 mile commute to his full time job, while I was on maty leave, but he still bathed DD each night while I cleared away dinner. He did the shopping, at least half the cooking, and brought me breakfast in bed at weekends.
When he collapsed with the brain haemorrhage that killed him at 36, he didn’t even shout for help in case he woke the baby - he waited, paralysed on the bathroom floor, for me to wake up. I still grieve him now, 29 years later.
OP, you need to renegotiate your marriage. You need to sit down with your husband and work out a fair breakdown of housework and childcare, and stick to it. Otherwise you risk him despising you as a doormat who lets him get away with walking all over you. Find your anger and your self respect, and realise that you deserve better treatment and more consideration and affection from your selfish partner.

I know how you feel op, and i too didn’t realise at the time either :(
Looking back my ds had colic and there i was cooking oh tea for when he arrived home with one hand whilst holding a crying newborn over my shoulder!
his excuse was he worked ft and i was at home.
Never done a night feed or bath time.
even rushing me out the hospital incase he missed the football, moaning i was taking ages i wanted a pic of my baby in the car seat ready for home and had to leave it.
How old are your dc now op? X

That's not normal op.

Dh did more nights feeds than me and we do 50/50 of all baby care and housework and he works full time.

Baby is FF so it was easier for him to be involved but he did and does half of everything

This doesn’t sound normal. It sounds horrible. I know your children are now school age but you can still nip this in the bud and ask for change. What would his reaction be if you sat down with him and told him how you feel?

My baby is only 6 months, so I’m still off on Maternity. Birth was uncomplicated but dh did virtually all cooking, cleaning, and baby heavy lifting like bathing until around 6 weeks. From then we share 50/50 when he isn’t working, and as he is working from home he still often takes over a nappy change in the daytime or entertains baby 10 mins when needed. He gets ds ready for bed every night and ready for the day every morning.

I do obviously do more day to day care and around home atm as not working full time. But ds is a baby that can’t be put down much still as he screams ( allergies/ rashes/ colic) so I don’t get that much done when alone with him.

I’m currently trapped on sofa under a finally napping baby, and dh has just bought a tea in on his break and taken nappy laundry out machine back upstairs with him to hang on laundry rack. My mental health, diet and the house would be a reck if I had had no help at all the last 6 months.

No it's not normal or ok. We both work (me part time) and we split parenting / housework etc fairly evenly. Tbh my dad was a lot more hands on than your DH back in the 80s and my mum was a sahm. As well as being unfair on you it must be horrible for your DC having a father that doesn't interact with them.

Oh dear, I personally don't think it sounds normal at all... I have two little ones, both were (well one still is) terrible sleepers, I'm breastfeeding as well. My husband works full time and Saturdays too and I'm a SAHM, no family around at all to help (all live abroad). Once my dh comes from work he does everything- whatever is needed. Bath, bedtime, gets up at night almost every night as much as needed (we take turns), nappies, morning breakfast for everyone and school drop off, hoovering, dishwasher, washing machine, takes bins out...He goes out much less often now we have two young children (he used to go out with friends more before). The only thing he's not keen on is cooking so I usually make the dinner ready during the day. Otherwise he's very involved and I'll be honest I'm still finding life quite hard right now due to terrible sleep deprivation (the baby can be up every hour throughout the night every night). I honestly don't know how I'd survive at all without his help. When I was reading your post I shuddered.. It must have been very tough on you! Another proof that women definitely are the stronger sex... I suppose now that it's all in the past nothing can be done about it, but if I were you back then I'd have definitely be having a word with your dh! They are his children too... I hope he's more involved now. Hugs.

Babdoc so sorry about your dh. He sounds like he was such a lovely partner and dad My dh is exactly like this.

Op would you like to see a change for yourself? You don't have to accept this any longer just because you already did for so long.

It sounds like the only contribution he makes to your lives is financial.

How do you feel about that?

The sperm donor of my child, I refuse to call him a father, did absolutely fuck all. He was the laziest man I ever met.
I left him when my son was very young and it was far easier without him than with him. At least I didn't have to listen to all the whining and sex pestering.

Very, very, little, but my God did everyone know about it when he did some tiny little thing! To hear him talk you'd think he single handedly cleaned the house and cared for the baby while I did virtually nothing. I used to listen to him with my chin on the floor. Reader, I divorced him.

Did he ever even play with them?

I feel your pain OP. Mine is the same, well he’s not ungrateful he’ll always be really appreciative of me doing all the housework and making dinners and stuff but I do 95% of the caregiving of DD. The first few months of her life I hated him, I resented him so much for being so unhelpful around the house in general (I had a csec) and with her. He’s a typical Disney dad he swoops in for cuddles and play when it suits him but has never looked after her on his own for more than three hours. He maybe makes dinner once a week, zero housework but good around the house ie fixing things. He does work long hours (usually 15/16or so a day) and unsociable hours too. I used to get so down when everyone would say how helpful and hands on their partners were and whilst I can still get resentful we have such traditional roles I use it to my advantage now - if he wants to be the big breadwinner then I’m pleased it’s given me the opportunity to be able to work part time which I always wanted to do when having a baby. A huge part of me being angry was my hormones after having the baby, things have really settled down recently and we are getting on much better. If I had the money to do it on my own, would i? Probably as it would be one less person to tidy up after!! But whilst we still get on I would rather she have a two parent family....I did upset him earlier saying i need to sort my will out and in reality he works so much and spends so little time with DD maybe she should go to my brother and sister in law if anything happened to me and he was really upset. Saying that out loud sounds awful but it’s a reality I genuinely don’t think he’d be able to look after her - he doesn’t even know how much or how often she eats!

My DH is a CEO and works very long hours. He has got up through the night since ours were babies (I breastfed and then he would put them down). He cooked and cleaned on weekends to prep for the following week. He did go out occasionally - we both did.

We home-schooled 50/50 during lockdown. I also have an intense part time job. He starts a bit later two days a week to do school drop-offs. I do do the rest and all pick-ups.

Your DH sounds like an incredible wanker. I’d get rid.

Wasn't around for first (work related, planned so I had support) went back to work in day 3 with Dd2 leaving me alone with both! He was good at cuddles, a master of late night walking up and down soothing but anything else??? He did change nappies etc but only if I asked/wasn't home

You're asking if the situation is normal. Would you feel better about it if you knew x% of women also had this scenario?
A better question is: Is this acceptable?

For me, it would not be acceptable. I couldn't have a relationship with someone who clearly sees me as a servant, and who doesn't show any care for my well-being or concern for the children.
Cooking and cleaning after your c sections? Surely you were in pain and he would have known that. Which means your pain means nothing to him.
A partner who doesn't care if you're in pain and does nothing to ease it is not a partner worth having.

I'm sorry you're in this situation.