How much did your dh do when your dc were babies?

[Litebritesnow]

I was reading another thread and this kind of made me wonder. I’ve accepted things as they are with dh but I’m starting to think it’s not the norm.
I was reading about women who were talking about what their dh did when they had small babies.
My dc were both c sections. The second dc was very unwell when born and we spent three weeks in hospital. I couldn’t feed her so I expressed every three hours day and night for the first 12 months and then dropped down to every four / five hours until she was two.
Dc1 I fed for a few weeks and failed then as well and expressed but only until he was about six months.
Dh works full time.
He didn’t do a single night feed. He didn’t cook a single meal. He didn’t give me a lie in. He didn’t do bathtime. He didn’t do storytime. He carried on going out all day on a Saturday with his friends. He did nothing round the house. I can remember vacuuming the stairs ten days post c section with dc1.
I thought this was just how it was. Is it not?

“OP, you need to renegotiate your marriage. You need to sit down with your husband and work out a fair breakdown of housework and childcare, and stick to it. Otherwise you risk him despising you as a doormat who lets him get away with walking all over you. Find your anger and your self respect, and realise that you deserve better treatment and more consideration and affection from your selfish partner.”

This. What you are describing is not normal and it is completely wrong. Both my DH and I have worked more or less full-time throughout our DCs’ childhood. DCs are teens now but we have always maximised our time with them when not at work - breakfast, school run, evenings and weekends. I always took them to school because I was never around when school finished (DH has worked from home for c. a decade so was there when they got home from school). There is absolutely no reason for him to absent himself from the pre-school routine every day - when I was doing the school-run, there were loads of dads using it as their chance to be involved in their child’s day. And your DCs are also picking up on his neglect of them. He’s clearly a lazy, negligent, neglectful dad and husband. He needs to straighten out if he wants a decent relationship with his DCs when they’re older.

I'm afraid to say I had a similar experience. I struggled with my DD and the huge life change and had bad PND. Moved to the spare room to let him sleep whilst I did night feeds and wake ups. I still do 9/10 wake ups and entertain her, take her out of his way so he can have space/work/watch football, bath her feed her put her to bed 90% of the time. From what I've heard this isn't the norm though. Probably why I don't want another child.

Hope your DH steps up a bit.

My DH does what I ask him to do with the children and housework.
He's not very good with the baby stage and can't feed as I breastfeed but he'll get up and wind the baby and change nappies. Was there to bring me water/food/tea/Muslins during the newborn weeks while feeding established.

Gets up with the kids so I can lie in. Does the cooking on the weekend which is always something more elaborate than I make in the week. Plays with the kids more than I do and takes them out more too.

He's not proactive and wouldn't do some things unless I ask but if I ask (tell) it gets done.

It's not 50/50, the mental load for the children and house is mostly on me but it works for us.

When I had the first baby he was out every day seven days a week until she was 3 months old - he basically ran away. Later on after we had 3 kids he cooked one meal a week and would put baby no3 in the bath do nappy and clean pyjamas

I did everything else.

He’s an ex. This sort of selfish behaviour is like rust You can’t feel it but it eats at your relationship until everything falls apart

If this doesn't change it will split you up. With time you will resent him so much you will hate him. Been there !

I don't think I'd have any respect for DH if he didn't pull his weight.

I breastfed for the first year, so obviously I did all of that, but everything else, he was hands on and did at least 50:50. DS was colicky so I'd get sent to bed to rest after a feed and DH would walk the floor for hours soothing DS. He did all the shopping, he came home on his lunch break to just hang out with us, offered to cook (but I was equally happy to do hand over DS and cook as a break from baby, so suited both of us. He did every bit of laundry and housekeeping.
After about 2.5 months or so when I found my stride, I took on more household stuff while I was on maternity leave so as to free up off-work time for us to do stuff as a family.
When I went back to work whenever the nursery called to take the baby home with a temperature, it was a case-by-case basis on which of us would leave work but it was usually him as he could often work from home whereas I really couldn't.
Now, I will say I did a lot of wifework, I planned when to wean or potty train, organised clothes and scheduled all the appointments but once it was planned he was willing to help out.
Oh and he also enrolled me in a hobby class I had wanted to do while on Mat leave insisting that I needed even just a couple of hours a week doing stuff for just me.

When DH got home from work every day he would take DS until 11PM. I would then do from 11PM until the morning. On Fridays and Saturdays this was reversed. DH did nappies, bottles, winding etc. Took DS away for the weekend when DS was about 4 months to see his family while I rested at home.

He continues to be an equal parent now doing the school drop offs for DS while I do pick ups. Does bedtimes, bedtimes, homework, everything a parent should do.

He didn’t do a single night feed. He didn’t cook a single meal. He didn’t give me a lie in. He didn’t do bathtime. He didn’t do storytime. He carried on going out all day on a Saturday with his friends. He did nothing round the house.

I don't recall DH doing night feeds.
He didn't cook, but would get a takeaway when I said I was too tired to cook.
I was on mat leave, so he was off to work and I was usually still in bed.

As they got older...occasional story time
Occasional bathtime
He cleaned the house
He didn't go out on any kind of regular basis

He could definitely have done a lot more. He likes the fun things...he taught them how to ride their bikes...

His memory of what he did doesn't mirror mine and mine is right...he seems to think he did a lot more than he did with the kids when we talk about it, which just leads to arguments. Our DC are in Uni now, so it seems pointless arguing about it, but I have told him he was deluded if he thinks he did all the things he says he did years later.

I nearly fell off my seat when he said he did everything except for breastfeeding.

I found that the best way for him to do more with the DC, is when I wasn't there.

So I would go away on ladles weekends or on holidays with my Dsis. I would go out without the kids in the evening and then he had to do it...because it was down to him.

Although he seemed to have a way of making the DC fall asleep (when they were babies) when I wasn't in. If I didn't know better, I'd think he drugged them to get some peace and quiet..........

If I had the knowledge then, that I do now, I would have insisted that he did a lot more or I would have left. The older me, is not so tolerant.