How much did your dh do when your dc were babies?

[Litebritesnow]

I was reading another thread and this kind of made me wonder. I’ve accepted things as they are with dh but I’m starting to think it’s not the norm.
I was reading about women who were talking about what their dh did when they had small babies.
My dc were both c sections. The second dc was very unwell when born and we spent three weeks in hospital. I couldn’t feed her so I expressed every three hours day and night for the first 12 months and then dropped down to every four / five hours until she was two.
Dc1 I fed for a few weeks and failed then as well and expressed but only until he was about six months.
Dh works full time.
He didn’t do a single night feed. He didn’t cook a single meal. He didn’t give me a lie in. He didn’t do bathtime. He didn’t do storytime. He carried on going out all day on a Saturday with his friends. He did nothing round the house. I can remember vacuuming the stairs ten days post c section with dc1.
I thought this was just how it was. Is it not?

This does not found fair , getting up at lunchtime on a Sunday ! He is a dad ffs. If I got up at 5.45 I wouldn't be doing a thing for our ds7 I would just be getting myself sorted. Why isn't he taking them to school on the days he gets up at 8.15 ? My dh is very hands on . My ex wasn't , hence being an ex.

Definitely not the norm in any part of your relationship. Why are you putting up with it? You may aswell buy a single parent.

you get up and get him dressed and feed him and then come back to bed
I mean WTF is the point of that? Was he really saying he could not get his own child dressed or give him a bottle?

I worked full-time from the time my ds was 4 months old. You can bet your arse I wasn't leaving everything at home to my DH (in fact what he could do was very limited by physical disability, rather than being a lazy twat like your DH).

I don't understand why he wanted to have children, when he's clearly no interest in them or in being a parent?

@Litebritesnow

I work part time. In the week I’m up at 5.45 (dh 8.15) and then I sort both kids out before I have to leave and drop them to before school club. The two days I’m not at work I get up at 6am so not much later anyway. Then I do everything in the house as well. I don’t mind this so much because I do have two days off in the week, although in non lockdown times dh has two days at the weekends because he is out on a Saturday and not out of bed til lunchtime on the Sunday.

So basically you are like a single parent? I assume your Dh has an uninterrupted morning, just gets himself ready? What a complete arsehole. He could at least do one morning.

My sons are now 17 and 14 so they clearly look after themselves in a morning, but Dh was always hands on, still is. If he could take them to school he would as he loves spending time with them. Attended every sports day, parents' evening etc. I had a lie in one day on the weekend he had the other. He did night feeds and we worked a shift pattern so anything before 2am was me, anything after that was him just because he could fall asleep easily after this time.

He spent one on one time with each child, took them together on a weekend for a Daddy morning, so took them to a nice cafe for milk and cake!

He takes care of me and is fab about my disability, makes me cups of tea daily, massages my feet, cooks meals. All this despite me being a SAHM for over 15 years. I look after him, he looks after me.

The weekend lie in should be discussed today, he gets them up and gets them dressed otherwise it isn't a fucking lie in.

You've made a rod for your own back, and your husband has got it made, the lazy bastard. You must enjoy being a skivy.
And you have sons? Pity their poor future wives, hope they turn out gay!

I was a SAHM but DH did his share ( apart from night waking with DC 1, but he had a driving job and needed his sleep) . With DC 2 he did the first part of the night, I did the second. I am now nearly 50 and would be raging if my daughter was in your situation op.

DH did as much as he could, and it felt fair. I bf both DCs so he wasn't much help there, although did give the odd expressed bottle and later did ff (although that wasn't until much later). I did the lion's share of the housework, but gladly as it was done evenings/weekends as a respite from childcare, and our standards were much lowered.
DD1 was a difficult baby. She would scream from 4pm until 11pm everyday inconsolably and would not be put down (ever) until 4mo. DH would take her and pace the floor with her as soon as he got in (6pm) until she stopped screaming whilst I did non-baby related jobs. He would take over in the night on the occasions she would not resettle in the night and I'd hit the wall, and would take her in the mornings between getting dressed and leaving for work to give me more sleep (she woke hourly for most of the first year so I was exhausted). At weekends he did half the work outside of bf, and we had 1 lie in each. He did occasionally sleep in the spare room to catch up on sleep too.
DD2 was a much easier baby so I did almost all of her care. DH instead took on 100% DD1's nightime needs, as even at 2yo she was still waking 2 or 3 times a night and took some time to resettle. Weekends were fairly split again both in terms of childcare and lie ins.

I think the best gauge of if things are fair is taking an honest look at both of your tiredness levels (it is easy to assume you're the most tired for both parties). If you are at equal levels of exhaustion/rest then it is likely fair or close to it. There were a few times that I had to point out that I would use any 'free time' to sleep, but DH had enough left in the tank to go to the gym for his, which he understood and worked to even things out again.

I bf for 6 months so did the nights, but both of ours slept through by then so actually it was fine.

My DH did as much practical stuff with the DC as me - nappy changes, bath time, story time, playing.

Once I went back to work, he took over all the cooking.

He also took charge of sporting activities - Little Kickers at 2.5yrs onwards, which always seemed to be first thing on Saturday morning so I got a lie in!

Dh was so involved with the kids.
He would make sure I was comfortable when feeding, bringing me brews and biscuits. He would make the bottles when I did mix feed. He took over what ever needed doing in the evening. Dh took the babies out so I could rest and also sleep if needed. He bathed and changed nappies,played with them so he knew their favourite foods, tv programmes and characters.He did the main shopping ( still does 24 years later)
As they grew up he did the morning school run and I did the aftershock. He never missed a sports day,parents evening or play.
Even now the kids are adults he is ready to help the second they need it and still 'looking ' after me.Family time is a priority for dh and we have a good relationship with the boys and their girlfriends and go out regularly for meals,walks and weekends away ( when we are allowed!)
My dad treats my mum the same so I guess i didn't expect any different.
I was treated like the first person in the world to have a baby!!😂😂
Your Dh sounds awful to me and I would be desperately unhappy in your shoes.

What's he like with the kids and you now? He sounds unsupportive and not interested. That's not fair on you but he will reap what he shows as the kids grow up ( remember the song Cats' in the craddle)

Dc1 says his grandad is more his dad than his dad is, although some children have special relationships with grandparents I guess.
When I was expressing I was having to get up, express, wash and sterilise the stuff and then feed dc2.

Goodness OP.
My dc are adults now. I was a sahm for the first few years and then worked part time.
I ebf both dc. My dh always got up when the baby cried in the night, after I had fed the baby he would settle them back in the cot so I could go straight back to sleep. Our oldest had colic and dh would have him on his shoulder rubbing his back for hours.
Dh still had to work next day.
I did most housework because I was home but he kept two allotments and grew our fruit and veg.
He went to football some weekends but family always came first.

Hi 👋 I have 3DC. DS1 is 6 dS2 is 4 and DD is 7.5 months. I had two c sections with my boys and normal delivery with my daughter breast fed all of them except my second son who needed high calorie formula due to health issues. The first month of DD being born my DH was so helpful I felt I was seeing a new side to him. He cooked majority of meals helped give boys bath put them to bed. Cleaned. But with time it's slipped back to old habits he stays in bed until 30 mins before he suppose to start work. Has a lovely long shower then hops on his computer, weekends he has lie ins till 9ish. I asked him for a lie last week as it was really passing me off and I've been dealing with a teething baby so I'm up every hour or two at the moment. The lie in didn't happen. So short story is I now wake up everyday get all three kids ready out the door myself, cook all meals, breast feed and do all the night wakings because " he can't" AND to top it off this morning he had the nerve to male me feel bad for not offering him a " morning treat" so I'm feeling completely worn down at the moment. I forgot to mention I'm also my dads carer who has early onset Alzheimer's so i have to take him shopping and to see appointments which is mentally exhausting. So OP to answer your question yes it sucks and they should pull their weight but I just don't think it's in their nature. If we want them to change all we can do is ask or power on. I will be speaking to DH tonight because I feel I'm not coping anymore

Why did you allow this and are continuing to do so? Do you realize that you have just repeated a cycle here where some poor women are going to get lumped with useless men here with your sons?
My Dh did everything I could do from day 1. It never crossed my mind that he shouldn't, because he was 50% responsible for making the baby!!

If you are happy to accept this sad life then that's on you, but you must realize what you are creating in your children? Its too late here for your husband but you can do something about your kids.

Dc1 had colic as a baby. He’s started crying at 7pm and didn’t stop until 12am. Dh would lose his temper and say fuck him. Everyone else gets a nice baby, why have we got stuck with his one.

Why are you still with him? He sounds horrible. What your son said about his grandfather being more of a father is very sad.

To answer your question, my husband often did more night feeds initially as I’d had very difficult pregnancies and labours and he wanted me to recover. Once I had, he still did it because he loves our DC and wanted to be with them whenever he could. Your husband doesn’t appear to participate in family life at all. Many years on, he still spends as much time as possible with them.

This sounds rough and unfair. But i found that if you did it all before kids then its unlikely that expectation will change afterwards. I just didnt know how badly it would snowball until it was too late. I ended up so exhausted and resentful. I think it will be a monumental task to change the tide now but you can try. You might go big bang and have 'the talk', or go incremental and start shifting things slowly without making a big deal of it. Perhaps put on your trainers and announce you are going for a walk for an hour on saturday morning before he heads out with the lads for the day, he may moan and squirm but ignore, or ask if he could prep the kids tea before he heads out etc. Or iron the uniforms. He'd have to be an absolute arse to refuse you before he had a whole day leisure time. Just small things bit by bit if you feel you arent in a riot act place.
Also-please do not slip into martyrdom. When he does offer something-don't immediately push back if it isn't spot on. Yes getting up and then going back to bed isn't ideal if it is sleep you want. But i'd imagine laying in bed for half an hour with a coffee and a magazine would be heaven. Sometimes its about making the little bit that is on offer work for you. And other times it should be about making bigger demands. You need to start to communicate though. I ended up with chores lists on the fridge. I hoped it would become a rota and it never stuck-but it did highlight how much i did and what needed to be done if it was ever in doubt. Some men just don't know unless you spell it out. Also check yourself a lot and make sure you know how to share and are not overly critical-i have done that too! Good luck!

This is so depressing to read. If my husband had been half this selfish I'd have left to make sure our daughter doesn't think it's normal and go on to reproduce a similar relationship.
I am utterly unable to function without enough sleep so from birth, we introduced bottles and shared nights. She's 2.5 now, slept through since she was a few months, and we still take it in turn to get up with her.
Everything is 50/50, I cook, clean kitchen and bathroom, he does all washing up, washes and folds clothes, and DIY.
Well done for coming to the réalisation that something isn't right. It's not too late to leave and model a healthy relationship to your children.

I breastfed for 13 months. So I did all the night feeds and wake ups. Other half cooked or brought stuff easy for me to cook if he was at work (ready meals).
He'd take baby so I could nap. Did lots of nappy's. he always did washing, dealt with cats etc.

Absolutely sod all .... and that is why he's the ex! Not the only reason but the main one, I decided I could be a better Mum and give the kids a more stable and loving home if I did it alone.. despite him telling me I was an unfit and disgusting Mother. He also blamed me for 'giving' my son special needs 🙄 He's a D-head!

So sad that there are so many useless partners out there ... I do think it's vital to carefully observe how a man treats you, how he deals with housework, cooking etc before you have a baby but of course that's easy to say after the event. Both my DH and I owned our own homes before we got married so I could see that he was used to running his own home, paying bills ('being an adult'), he also did voluntary work with young people so I knew he had patience, liked children etc.

Even so, it took ten years of discussions before we decided to have a baby - I know that wouldn't suit everyone. DH was/is a real 'hands on' Dad, he loves being a father and wanted to spend time with his DS, I had plenty of 'free' time at weekends, evenings to do my own thing. I was a SAHM but even so, DH was/is fully involved in everything regarding running the house & caring for our DS. He got involved in all his extra curricular stuff as well as he got older, became a coach at both DS's main sports (one of which never appealed to DH but he threw himself into it), became a School Governor etc etc.

Don't want to sound smug, I wouldn't say we are blissfully happy all the time but at least I never worry about who is doing the housework or if can have a lie in.

@Litebritesnow he said fuck him about a baby ! What's he going to do when he is a toddler having tantrums , a defiant teenager if he has no patience now he isn't suddenly going to be able to magic some up . When you are a single parent a lot of the frustration goes at having to do everything yourself because you have no choice with that you then have no expectations. You are doing everything anyway take away the expectation of help and you will probably find you are happier and calmer because at the moment what help is he ?

DH did night feeds when he wasn't working the next day. Did most of bathing children from babies so I had time to cook dinner/sort kitchen/washing etc. Did the supermarket shopping. Used to share clearing up whilst the other did bedtime stories/settling in the evening. He did a lot of nappies including during a visit from HV which I was astonished she was so impressed by

My xDH did nothing. No nappies, no night feeds, never once took them anywhere on his own, played golf at weekends. He worked FT I worked PT with a long commute. And I was an excellent guilty martyr and played right into it - it was a pretty dysfunctional relationship. Now we are split and the children are grown up they don't have much of a relationship with him, which he seems to be surprised and sad about.

Sheryl Sandberg said that the man you choose to be the father of your children is the single most important decision you will ever make in your life. How right she was.

Mine did loads. I exclusively breastfed ds but he did all the night time nappy changes for the first month or so (then we shared). Did bath time, dressing, nappies, stories, took him for walks, winded him, cuddled him. In the early weeks when ds would only sleep in my arms he would hold ds so I could sleep for a bit then we'd swap. He couldn't have done more if he tried and he has a demanding emergency services job. I'm sorry u didn't have a similar experience, it's not fair

Do what is your DH's contribution to parenting? Just financial?

I'd struggle to maintain a relationship with a man who demonstrates so little care for his wife's wellbeing and so little interest in his children.
Relationships are about being a partnership, not one person skivvying whilst the other carries on with their single lifestyle
He sounds like a selfish dickhead