Mum used to have sex when I was in the room *MNHQ content warning*

[Opinionator]

This is really awkward, but when I was a child my mother used to have sex with her then boyfriend when I was in the room (and once when I was in the bed). I've never spoken to her about this but I do feel like I have PTSD from it, as I have intimacy issues.

I remember vividly them talking in a dirty manner to eachother, so it's not like they were trying to be discreet. I was between the ages of 6 and 8 at the times I can remember it happening.

She also used to talk to me about how sex is a good thing and it's what adults do etc.

Not really sure what my question is to be honest, I just needed to talk about it.

What the fuck is the matter with these sick people? I'll never understand how it why adults could deliberately want to fuck up their kids like this.

Whatever the reasons for your mother's behaviour, OP, I agree with @daisychain01. I wouldn't put any more detail here, and I suggest anyone who wants to reply with specific details about their own experiences does so via DM. It's very easy for these sorts of things to become fodder for really seriously weird people - and there's no shortage of those on the internet.

@SandysMam

That is a criminal offence and a form of abuse. I am not surprised you have PTSD. So sorry this happened to you OP, I’m sure someone will be along to refer you somewhere appropriate (I’m not sure who) but if you never want to speak to your mum again, that would be totally understandable, and if you wanted to go to the police about it, also understandable. Do you know who the boyfriend is? He may still be out there somewhere abusing children so sorry this happened to you

It may not have been an offence when OP was a child. It’s from the sexual offences act 2003.

Your mum and/or her abusive partner sexually abused you by doing that OP.

Access the short term counselling on the NHS or whatever, then depending on what your response to it is they might decide you need long term counselling and put you on the list for that. Take whateever you're offered.

I also paid for a lot of therapy and I'm not able to work. It can be prioritized. If you can't afford weekly you could go fortnightly. Or there are a lot of support groups for various things which are running via Zoom for free and can be really helpful.

Omg! That is horrible!!! That in itself is abuse. Sorry OP you went through this!

I used to go to this class And met a woman there. We got talking And became friends as She helped me with the course. Once she told me that her parents used to have sex in front of her from the ages of four til 19. She was not allowed to have her own room. She said her mother didn’t want her own room. There was a spare room but one of her brothers used that to sit in and study. She said they used to do it every night. She once nearly urinated as she was trying to hold it in as her parents made those disgusting sounds. She said She felt so helpless. Only when they’d finish and she waited five minutes then she could go to the bathroom. Once her mother showed her private parts to her father while she was in the bed and She could hear them. She was 15. She told me she used to get rages and then rip her mothers clothes with scissors. Her mother used to them beat her sometimes as she saw her clothes had been ripped. One day she snapped and the. Said to her mother she knew what she was made to watch And how disgusted she was. She said she tried to get help on the nhs but it was short term therapy which didn’t do anything at all to help her. She said She still feels angry. Her relationship with her Mum is not good. She says she’s feels betrayed by the parents who should have nurtured her. She was also physically beaten and she says it’s because she they were sexually frustrated they couldn’t do it in the room proper. Last time I spoke to her she said She was so fucked up by the abuse she would never have children. I think she just wanted a normal family life And her parents did this to her. All I could do was listen. She about 45 years of age. I myself have had physical abuse Abd I am trying to deal with that. But I’m her case it’s impacted her whole life. This was all because her parents wanted sex and dydnt have the decency to do it away from her. To not allow her a room was unfair and cruel. It’s a shame there’s not enough help on the nhs. As she puts it her parents have wrecked and ruined her life. She even admitted that she couldn’t even have a proper loving relationship. It’s just so sad

This happened to me too, it fucked me up massively for a very long time and I’ve had to have a lot of therapy. I went no contact with my mother years ago and it was the best thing I could have done, it enabled me to move on from that time (no constant reminders) and become mentally well. You’re not alone OP, please find a therapist to work things through with and be kind to yourself

This also happened to me and I have huge issues about it . I'm sorry . No one really seems to understand how traumatic it was and I think it was child abuse

www.nhs.uk/conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/free-therapy-or-counselling/

I'm in England OP and I was able to self-refer. In Scotland (not sure where you are), you have to go through your GP.
Good luck with your healing.
I've been using the service myself and it's been transforming.

How disgusting! It's so so wrong.

Sorry this happened to you op.

And just so you know, my trauma has to do with sexual abuse as a child as well as growing up in a violent household/addiction issues. So my issues are pretty big and the NHS services, for me, have been really helpful. Good luck.

Yes, I've found the NHS really helpful. There's a waiting list sometimes but it's worth getting on the list.

And if you get offered something, take it. Sometimes they try people on a short course of therapy, if the person tries it and it doesn't work they'll try other options.

EMDR is one of the best therapies for helping recovery from traumatic experiences. It is available on the NHS.

Tell your doctor what the particular issues are, what's hapening with you, as that can help them know what to refer you for.

I wish i didnt see this thread. what happened is vile, abusive and a crime. Hope you get some help.
I also hope MN hides these threads in sensitive section. It literally popped up in the active section. I feel sick. I can only imagine what you and your brother must feel. Dreadful.

I’m so sorry for you OP and others who have experienced this

My dm had loud sex in the room next to me, with her very violent partner. But the difference there is she didn’t care if I heard it or not.

Whereas I think we have to face the horrible truth that it’s a turn on for some adults to involve dc in their sex life. Do not underestimate how wrong this is, never doubt your feelings, and I hope you get a very good counsellor

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.
It is illegal in our current society as it is recognised as damaging to the child unwillingly involved. It has left you with intimacy issues.
I too think that some 'talking therapy' might help you make sense of it and begin to process how it has affected you (so in time it will lessen)

IAPT (the therapy you can access via self referral / GP/NHS) can be useful. Not always, but it CAN be. And there are different kinds too.
Initially usually CBT, but also longer term psychotherapy / EMDR etc
It is free. Usually you will be offered 6 weeks but if that is not enough then sometimes you can be offered more. If your finances are limited it is worth a try? Also many Counsellors will offer reduced fees for those on a low income. Again, worth a try.

I would not attempt to speak to anyone involved until you have professional support available.

And I thought it was bad when I had insomnia and could hear my parents going at it in the next room. When I challenged my mum on it she snapped "Well you should have been asleep anyway!"

Look into therapy OP.

Were drink and / or drugs involved ?

Inhibitions are lowered by them.

I’m so sorry this happened to you @Opinionator - I know second hand the trauma caused by this experience because it happened to my son, only once, but that once was enough to cause PTSD and lasting damage. He was 8 and visiting his father for the weekend; he came back a different child and didn’t tell me for a very long time exactly what had happened. He’s had therapy that has helped and was gearing up to confront his father about it, adult to adult, but his father died suddenly and the opportunity to voice his anger at the betrayal of trust and care, was lost. This complicated his bereavement obviously, so as others have suggested, get some therapeutic help and, when you’re ready, tackle your mother.

Well then it sounds like it was something this man got off on. Not that that excuses your mother, protecting you and your brother should have been more important than placating a pervert.

If you're not particularly close - not much to lose - you might find it cathartic to ask her about it. But it might be a good idea to talk it through with a counsellor before making a decision like that.

During a tutorial at uni I told my anthropology lecturer about this and she said it was very healthy and that in other cultures it was normal for parents to have sex in the same room as the children

Maybe this is true, but anthropology lecturers can be bullshitters too.

OP you can ask your gp for counselling. You dont need to go into details with the GP. They will want to start with CBT but there you can go onto talking therapy.

My mum abusive ( still is) I phoned up a historic child abuse helpline years ago I just saying those words out loud to hear someone say "I'm so sorry this was not ok" was the first step.

Be careful who you first open up to as you need to hear it was wrong. Unlike my MIL who said I probably deserved to be beaten.

It was wrong. Your mum.failed you badly. You deserved so much more of her. It's all her and his fault. It's not your shame to carry its hers and his.

I would absolutely ask her. I have so many questions from my own childhood that I feel I need to talk through with my parents for my own mental health.

You are telling the OP to talk to her mum when you haven't followed your own advice. I suspect this is because you know that it's unwise for OP to do that as a first point of action.

I fully agree about discussing it with a counsellor first. I know from experience the confusion and pain of being gaslighted/attacked for mentioning past abuse to the perpetrator.

Be prepared for her to, at best, minimise or dismiss it.

I’m also not convinced that resolving and healing from this type of thing requires talking about it with the abuser... but I tend to avoid confrontation so I might not be right.

these ideas were more fashionable in the 70s and 80s.

Absolute nonsense. Having sex, frequently in fron of children never was and never will be OK.

@plumspice, you say your parents had sex and you kids has a little snigger. It is nothing at all in common with the abuse suffered by the OP.
Please re read the post.
The OP refers to secrecy, lies, gas lighting, playing siblings off against each other. Nothing like the household in which you grew up.