Mum used to have sex when I was in the room *MNHQ content warning*

[Opinionator]

This is really awkward, but when I was a child my mother used to have sex with her then boyfriend when I was in the room (and once when I was in the bed). I've never spoken to her about this but I do feel like I have PTSD from it, as I have intimacy issues.

I remember vividly them talking in a dirty manner to eachother, so it's not like they were trying to be discreet. I was between the ages of 6 and 8 at the times I can remember it happening.

She also used to talk to me about how sex is a good thing and it's what adults do etc.

Not really sure what my question is to be honest, I just needed to talk about it.

I wouldn’t advise you to talk to her. Talk to helpful services instead first, if you want to ‘work through it’ first.

Sounds like there’s a lot to work through. What horrible memories for you to have to hold close to you.

I am so sorry this was done to you. No wonder you're traumatised.

OP I'm so sorry you went through this. It is not ok and you are in your right to feel whatever emotions you feel about it. You was a victim in something very wrong

@BluSpider

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.

That's a good point. Hey, OP, were you born 200 years ago or in a one room lean to in modern day Alirajpur?

I agree with another poster, do not speak to your mum first. Speak to an organisation over the phone for advice.

It seems the boyfriend wanted a child in the room and your mum went along with it. I am so sorry you had to go through that OP.

That is not normal behaviour, you poor thing. I'm not surprised it's giving you issues as an adult.

Do you know what kind of a relationship she had with that man? Was she fearful or just not really wanting to be with him? I wonder if by bringing you into the room she thought she could avoid sex with him or limit the activities? Though you being there clearly didn't stop them. I'm just trying to think of a reason why somebody would insist their child was in the room.

As others have said I think speaking to a professional is the way to go, you need to work through the feelings this has left you with.

Hi all, thank you for commenting.

Most nights she would have my brother in with her, but others she would have me in. My brother never spoke about what happened whilst he was in the room, but I'm assuming the same as what happened to me. I've asked him before and he doesn't want to talk about it.

I don't seem to be able to get a therapist on the NHS (long term, only short term has been offered to me), and I can't afford one unfortunately.

Mine and my mothers relationship isn't strained, but we aren't close by any means. We speak every few months.

Her relationship with her ex was very violent, unfortunately we had to witness my mother take a beating on several occasions by this man and other men.

Also, this isn't the only man my mum had sex with when we were around, the only difference is we weren't forced to sleep in the same room as the other man.

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.

That’s an incredibly weird and inappropriate comment. It was very common in the industrial revolution to put 7 year olds to hard work, and often incredibly dangerous work. But over time it’s become known and accepted that it’s in no way okay. Similarly, around the world today, lots of countries put young children to work in what we would consider an unacceptable breach of child development and health and safety. So not sure what relevance your example has in this situation? It’s in no way okay.

Sorry OP but this is a form of child abuse. Please seek professional help and take it from there.

I understand how horrible it is. My parents used to have sex in the same room as me whenever we were on holiday. I get the impression they thought I was asleep (but they were noisy) and that my Dad wasn’t comfortable with it but my Mum didn’t care.

It was definitely damaging.

With your update, it sounds as though this was a power post by this man. He owned your mother and everything in her life, including her children.

If you start with the short term, you may be able to get referred to longer term counselling. This was my experience 10 years ago anyway.

@Opinionator

Hi all, thank you for commenting.

Most nights she would have my brother in with her, but others she would have me in. My brother never spoke about what happened whilst he was in the room, but I'm assuming the same as what happened to me. I've asked him before and he doesn't want to talk about it.

I don't seem to be able to get a therapist on the NHS (long term, only short term has been offered to me), and I can't afford one unfortunately.

Mine and my mothers relationship isn't strained, but we aren't close by any means. We speak every few months.

Her relationship with her ex was very violent, unfortunately we had to witness my mother take a beating on several occasions by this man and other men.

Also, this isn't the only man my mum had sex with when we were around, the only difference is we weren't forced to sleep in the same room as the other man.

It sounds like it was the partner who was driving this sexual abuse. Maybe your mother thought she would be safer if you were there? The context doesn't excuse her behaviour in the least but it might explain it partly.

Oh and check out charities for free counselling. Some workplace or places of study offer it. Women’s charities can be helpful with accessing free counselling.

It sounds like it was the partner who was driving this sexual abuse. Maybe your mother thought she would be safer if you were there? The context doesn't excuse her behaviour in the least but it might explain it partly.

That is all pure speculation. I previously urged against the OP trying to discuss this with her mother. The reason for that is she is highly likely to be met with minimisation, denial, justification or possibly even victim blaming. All that does is make it even harder to heal the damage that has been done to her.

Whilst you may be well intentioned, all you are doing is trying to justify and excuse her mother's behaviour by proxy. It's far from helpful.

Hi OP,
that is awful behaviour on the part of your mum.

I was going to suggest that you should speak to her until you noted that you just see her every few months which is not typical for grown up children meeting their parents unless in another country or really far away.

What age is your mum & does she have a current relatonshio?

If it was me I would find it very difficult not to talk to her about it. She needs to explain herself.

Well done for starting to get advice on this. It sounds like you and your siblings were sexually abused by your mother and her bf.
I would seek help (ask gp), find out what I needed to know from family members and then cut all ties with the mother. At the very least, your mother failed to protect you and at worse willingly took part in this abuse.
I do hope you manage to get some closure on this and move forward. Best wishes. X

I had similar experiences but with my dad OP.
As children me and my siblings would stay round my dads and would have to share his bedroom because of space.
He would often have his girlfriend stay over and they would have sex, Not discreetly almost right next to us. I remember certain sounds and dirty talk and it makes my stomach turn.
My sister remembers it as well.
I've been NC with him for a number of years and i'm so glad i dont have him in mine or DCs lives

Not normal and abusive, definitely find some avenue of therapy - maybe support group if 1-1 isn't currently available. I would also cut ties with your mother and when stronger maybe consider speaking to the police.

My parents has loud sex in the house when we were kids. My mum was very vocal and so we always knew. We kids used to just giggle about it. I have absolutely no hang ups about sex and enjoy intimacy with my partner. During a tutorial at uni I told my anthropology lecturer about this and she said it was very healthy and that in other cultures it was normal for parents to have sex in the same room as the children.

However I imagine that cultural norms have an impact on how we end up feeling about these things and how they affect us and it’s not something I would do now in a family situation but I think these ideas were more fashionable in the 70s and 80s.

I just want to echo what others have said and validate your feelings of discomfort about this: it was abuse. It's also not normal at all.

It's great when parents have a healthy attitude towards sex and can explain it to their children without giving them a sense of embarrassment -- but actually exposing children to sexual behaviour is a form of sexual abuse.

Do look up NAPAC. Their support groups may be a helpful free way to begin to unpack some of this.

@TooTrueToBeGood

I disagree with the advice to talk to her. You need to talk to a counsellor or therapist who can help you as an abuse victim, because that is what you have been the victim of. Trying to resolve the damage done to you by talking it through with one of your abusers is an incredibly bad idea.

Agree with this. Please speak to a counsellor instead. I'm so sorry that happened to you x

This sounds like it was part of an abusive and neglectful upbringing. I am so sorry.

I know counselling is difficult to access or expensive but please try.

Try at least to see if you can access private counselling with someone who specialises in CSA. Many counsellors will work at reduced rates for people with low incomes and you can work with them online so there's no restriction about location. Speak to NAPAC or look on the Counselling Directory.

Would you consider broaching this with your GP in order to get a referral? You don't need to go into detail about what happened, just that there was sexual abuse/lack of sexual boundaries in childhood which has left you with trauma. Mine has just referred me to mental health services for this.

I wouldn't advise talking about this with your mother until you've spoken with a professional. Abusers usually deny, and that's not what you need to hear at the moment.

@ukgift2016

I agree with another poster, do not speak to your mum first. Speak to an organisation over the phone for advice.

It seems the boyfriend wanted a child in the room and your mum went along with it. I am so sorry you had to go through that OP.

How do you no it was the boyfriend who wanted a child in the room and the mum went along with it, it could of been the other way round.