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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum used to have sex when I was in the room *MNHQ content warning*

125 replies

Opinionator · 10/11/2020 05:10

This is really awkward, but when I was a child my mother used to have sex with her then boyfriend when I was in the room (and once when I was in the bed). I've never spoken to her about this but I do feel like I have PTSD from it, as I have intimacy issues.

I remember vividly them talking in a dirty manner to eachother, so it's not like they were trying to be discreet. I was between the ages of 6 and 8 at the times I can remember it happening.

She also used to talk to me about how sex is a good thing and it's what adults do etc.

Not really sure what my question is to be honest, I just needed to talk about it.

OP posts:
thosetalesofunexpected · 10/11/2020 06:59

Hi Op very sorry to hear that as a child you experienced child sexual abuse like this,

How the hell did your mother feel so comfortable to do this sort of thing whilst you were in the bedroom😬!!!??

You need to to ask the same question to your mother and give it to her straight the effect its had on you emotionally well being too.

What you went through is seriously fucked up Op.
It is definitely not normal or Acceptable behaviour at all.

Your mother is a total disgrace tell her that too and that is the census viewpoint of mumsnet posters too,see what she thinks of that.!!!

I am very tempted to say well I am going to say it, to report about this child sexual abuse to the relevant Authorities like the social services and the Police especially her ex boyfriend has gone on to marry and have children of his own too.

Also get specialist counselling therapy, as well looking into exploring other kinds of therapies that can help you too.

Best of luck

readingismycardio · 10/11/2020 07:02

I am so sorry, OP, this is absolutely outrageous! What's your relationship with your mom now? Please seek therapy and report them. This is actually an offence

Monty27 · 10/11/2020 07:05

OP how old are you now?
I'm just wondering how long you've had to carry this awful memory. It's horrible. 😔

lobster12 · 10/11/2020 07:09

I'm so sorry op. That sounds traumatising. Have you spoken to your siblings about it?i wonder if the same thing happened to them.

DeKraai · 10/11/2020 07:13

Hey OP what she did was horrific. As people have said it was criminal and sexual abuse. If you're not quite sure if it was "really that bad" (which would be a common thought for someone in your position), it's sexual bust to show children sexual images.

Your mother chose to do this which means, in all likelihood, there were other things which she also did that weren't in your best interest. It would be a really good idea to talk this through with someone who is trained and experienced in these things.

You didn't deserve any of this, she had no right whatsoever to do this to you (and your siblings) and it should never, ever have happened.

DeKraai · 10/11/2020 07:14

*sexual abuse

VettiyaIruken · 10/11/2020 07:23

I'm so sorry that was done to you. Exposing you to and involving you in her sex life (which you in the same room or bed 100% was) was sexual abuse. Please try to access support.

Re your mum, either she wanted to do that to you or (statistically more likely) her boyfriend did and she chose to subject you to that.

Either way, she utterly failed you and perhaps one of the things you could discuss in counseling is how to raise this with her and whether you want to walk away from her.

Reborn2020 · 10/11/2020 07:45

@BullshitVivienne

You can self refer to your local sexual assault referral centre or Rape Crisis service.
This.

I feel sorry that you had to endure this. Your 'mother' and her boyfriend behaved very inappropriately and this is a form of abuse.

Please do get help to work through this with a trained counsellor

Best wishes Flowers

Nomorepies · 10/11/2020 07:48

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on the poster's request

TooTrueToBeGood · 10/11/2020 07:55

I disagree with the advice to talk to her. You need to talk to a counsellor or therapist who can help you as an abuse victim, because that is what you have been the victim of. Trying to resolve the damage done to you by talking it through with one of your abusers is an incredibly bad idea.

AnotherEmma · 10/11/2020 07:57

I'm so sorry your mum did this Sad
You might find NAPAC helpful, and the book "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward (there's a chapter on sexual abuse).
Flowers

BlueJava · 10/11/2020 08:06

I'm so sorry you went through this, and of course at ages 6 to 8 you will remember it all too clearly. That's a horrible and strange experience for a child to go through.

However, I wouldn't talk to her about it (not the bf).She must have been a little messed up herself to do this I think, it's really not normal at all. I do think you'd benefit from counselling and talking it through with someone who is experienced in helping people in this sort of situation. It would probably help resolve intimacy issues. If you decided through counselling you should talk to her you could of course, but once you've spoken to her about it you can't take it back - so perhaps talking it through first with an independent person is best.

IseeIsee · 10/11/2020 08:09

I don't agree that you should speak with her. Abusers are rarely good honest people you can talk things through with. They usually twist the narrative. Can you speak with a counsellor? This was abuse. The fact that she purposely put you in a bed beside her and her bf while they had sex was abuse. It is not like you had nowhere else to sleep. I'm sorry that you have been through this.

Rhine · 10/11/2020 08:12

I work with kids and if one of them ever came to me and told me this was happening to them I’d be obligated to flag it up as a child protection issue.

My parents also used to have very loud sex, although not when we were in the room with them, and it caused me a ridiculous amount of anxiety as a child. With my DM I’m sure it was down to power and control and wanting to remind me that she was the ‘alpha female’. Yes really, even though I was only a child.

I’m sorry this happen to you OP.

dottiedodah · 10/11/2020 08:15

This is really all sorts of weird to me .Was it just this "boyfriend" or were there others as well? I would speak to a Counsellor if you can .Putting you in the same room as her screams abuse to me .Its just really really shocking!

GeidiPrimes · 10/11/2020 08:16

I'm really sorry this happened to you OP, my own mother behaved in similar ways. Unfortunately this made me quite fearful of women in general, has it affected you like that at all?

Try to talk it over with a trained counsellor who understands this type of abuse if you can. I wonder if your mother was abusive in other ways? Because she surely lacks empathy.

BluSpider · 10/11/2020 08:18

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/11/2020 08:20

@BluSpider

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.
Does that make it ok?
IseeIsee · 10/11/2020 08:21

@BluSpider

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.
When there was nowhere for the children to sleep. The OP had her own bedroom and the Mother purposely brought her into the room and on one occasion into the bed whilst she had sex. Very different set of circumstances.
FundamentallyFucked · 10/11/2020 08:25

@BluSpider

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.

I'm not sure what you are trying to say?

Do you mean if something was historically acceptable that it should be minimised and accepted now?

CandyLeBonBon · 10/11/2020 08:25

@BluSpider

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.
Well sending young kids out to work in awful conditions happened historically and still is happening in some places, which is why there are global campaigns to stop it. Doesn't mean it's right eh?
GeidiPrimes · 10/11/2020 08:32

@BluSpider

This would have been very common historically and still is common in many places around the world where large families all sleep in one room.
Not in the particular society we live in though, it's taboo and distressing for children. Besides, did you not read the part where OP states that although she had her own room, her mother would force her to sleep in with her and the bf?
WorrierorWarrior · 10/11/2020 08:32

It would not be a pleasant experience to be present while a parent had sex, I wondered if the other siblings were boys and the mother thought it best not to have a girl sharing with boys.
I agree with a PP that historically large families would have maybe shared the one bedroom with various generations. I don't know what they would have done in those days but I would have hoped things would have been done with some discretion.
So many things that were normal even in my time are just not acceptable anymore and I am only talking about kids being allowed out to play out of sight of home or cycling to places a couple of miles from home. It is just how it was in those days. This is a different time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 10/11/2020 08:36

Worrier
I thought it sounded as if the mother chose the victim out of siblings she wanted to abuse that day by telling them to sleep in her room.

Bluspider
I don’t think op was brought up in the 18th century or the Masai Mara.

AtrociousCircumstance · 10/11/2020 08:37

This is abuse. No doubt about it, no ‘normalising’. It’s child abuse.

So sorry OP. Acknowledging to yourself that you experienced wrong-doing and deserved to be protected from it is important. Therapy will help.

Flowers
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