Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

Guilt trip - yes. Force - no x

He can't guilt trip you unless you feel you've done something wrong.

He can make me feel like I've done something wrong even if I haven't. I've told him that I will try harder etc just to keep the peace for now. Don't have the energy to be arguing about sex with him!

Guilt trip = coercive control= abuse

I'm so glad your making plans to leave him, you deserve a peaceful life, he sounds such hard work, keep going you've got this!!

We've been arguing all night even though I tried rolling over to keep the peace. A quote just popped up on my Instagram feed. "It will be hard to leave, until it becomes harder to stay -R.H.Sin" and that's literally where I am right now. He's been vile tonight, because I wouldn't send him a 'picture' IYKWIM 🍑. It's draining!

God, he's horrible. He may not ever have crossed that line into physically forcing you, but he is coercive. Just gross. No-one would want to have sex with him when he behaves like this.

He sounds absolutely awful. Revolting man. The sooner you can get away from him the better. I want to come and swoop you away right now.

It’s weird. I’ve known of a fair few men that worked away and were like this.

He's saying because I said I'd try harder, me not sending the picture is proof that I'm not willing to try. Bet if I found someone new I would send them pics and have a higher sex drive. Bet I've been using my toys all week while he's gone but refusing to entertain him. It's my fault he has no self confidence/esteem and I should be building it up and giving him more attention. I said that I would try harder but that he also has to work on that himself. Literally been arguing all evening about it. I'm just drained tonight, gonna go to bed. Feel pathetic even writing all this on here cos it's so personal but I'm so fed up

He doesn't usually work away, this is the first time in a long time he's been away. Think after a week he thought I'd be pining for him and it's dented his ego a bit that I haven't

@alm23x I'm sorry your are having to put up with this. You deserve better. Say whatever you need or want to on here, its a safe space and many of us know how you feel, have been there ourselves. Stay strong xx

Hey Tulip :) hope you're doing okay after yesterday! Thanks for your reply. I woke up to a text from him saying "Love you beautiful"....after spending all night having a go at me? Honestly, he baffles me.

Feel pathetic even writing all this on here cos it's so personal but I'm so fed up

Reaching out to people who understand your situation is the strongest thing you can do, the only relationship it has to 'pathetic' is that it is the direct opposite.

The voice inside you that's telling you he is all wrong is the voice you haven't been able to make heard. The one that stands up for you, the one that knows your rights and boundaries, and wants to enforce them. The one that he squashes.

Your route out of this is through letting that voice speak. Or yell its head off. For extended periods of time. In places where it's respected. This is one of those places. As is the friend you told us about upthread. As will be a good counsellor. As will be Women's Aid. And I was also going to suggest writing it all down. Start with the thing that goes round your head most often as an injustice that he's forced over your boundaries. Have a tantrum on the page. Red pen, capital letters, under-fucking-lining. I did this and it was massively useful. It got my voice out of my head. Nobody ever even saw it except me, but it was a way to express myself. Also, when I looked back on it, I could see how valid and self respecting the person who wrote it was, when, at the time I wrote it, I felt small and useless.

I woke up to a text from him saying "Love you beautiful"....after spending all night having a go at me? Honestly, he baffles me

It's the bear thing. There's really nothing to understand. He invalidates you constantly because your feelings mean nothing to him, and his mean everything. And so your distress about the way he spoke to you will go unregistered by him. Narcissists are quite amazing in the way they operate. Not in a good way, but in a 'Wow. He's a totally different species, and yet he looks so human' way. They are also all disturbingly similar in their methods. It's like they all read the same rule book on relationships.

I'll bet if you brought it up, he'd say something like 'Jeez, are you still going on about that stuff from last night? Don't you even know how to move on? Smart people know how to move on. What's wrong with you?!'

@Eckhart so many wise words ❤
@alm23x writing things down has been a great help to me, I use a diary app on my phone with a password lock so its safe

Literally zero. He has no interest in it and has no accounts. Shows no interest in what l do and doesn’t care

@Tulip55

I found my boundaries after this sort of abuse, and have been infinitely more contented in myself, since. I have my abuser to thank for triggering the process. I would urge anyone and everyone to learn from this sort of experience, and will support as much as I can. Any thinking-shortcuts I can offer, I will! It took me about 2 years to stop feeling like I needed to write stuff down, and about a year of weekly counselling to feel like I'd 'got it'. I hope the things I learned may cut that time down for others, if I share them :)

Struggling today. Just stopped by my friends house (I stood at the end of her drive, not breaking any covid rules) and told her what happened last night and that I'm feeling so pissed off that I'm back in a place where he has me feeling guilty for not showing him the attention he deserves and being th one to blame for how he acts etc. She has just basically begged me to pack a bag and leave him and said she will take me wherever I wanna go after the kids are home from school. She said she's fed up with him treating me like this and she's worried il make excuses in January and that the best thing to do is up and go now. I think she's right but I can't do it. It would mean opening up to my mum...living in a house with her and the OCD stepdad who would hate two messy kids around....pulling my kids out of school and nursery...having no money behind me...then come the thoughts of people not believing it's that bad, me being evil to do that to him, how he will react etc. Just hate my life!

If I knew I could ring an estate agent and somehow get a rented house that I could move into tomorrow...I would be gone. It's the thought of having to go to my mum's for potentially weeks. I just couldn't do it

I understand you want to do whats right for your kids. Have you spoken to womens refuge? I wonder if you would be able to get a crisis loan for a deposit so you could move out sooner? Also, the council here used to do a scheme where they would take on the deposit for you, not sure if that is still a thing? I know this is all very scary but you can do this, we both can. Xx

I echo Tulip's suggestion to call Women's Aid. You are being abused.

You are probably dreading him coming home and the thought of feeling you need to make him happy just so he will leave you alone for a bit. You're dreading Christmas and the thought of how leaving him will pan out.

But you've been given some fabulous examples of how the future can look for you and DC. I can imagine how hard this must be for you, I know I'd be wanting to stay put because it's easier. But don't you deserve to be happy? You've survived all these years of abuse, please grit your teeth and face up to 6 months of hardship followed by a peaceful, fulfilling life.

Talk to Women's Aid and the military welfare team. Get a plan in place for leaving, otherwise you'll still be talking on this thread in January about what you need to organise and how it'll take a few months to get sorted.

You know you're going to leave. He's away at the moment. Take the time to get plans in place.

You deserve happiness.

I keep googling women's aids number but backing out. I don't even know what to say to them

Tell them you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and you want to leave. I am sure they will ask questions from there and you can just answer. Its just making that first leap. I hope you can, im routing for you. X

Alm23x, there's nothing unusual about your situation. Women's Aid have seen a million like you before. If all you do is ring and say 'I need some help', they'll know all the right questions to ask. They know about what abuse does to the mind. They know how to talk to people. They were set up specifically to make people's path more manageable. The first phone call isn't an obstacle. Their metaphorical door is open. All you have to do is present yourself, and let them lead you. There will be lots for you to do, but they want to guide you and support you. The phone call isn't a test or a confession. They have no expectations of you. They will hear you and respect you.

It would mean opening up to my mum...living in a house with her and the OCD stepdad who would hate two messy kids around....pulling my kids out of school and nursery...having no money behind me...then come the thoughts of people not believing it's that bad, me being evil to do that to him, how he will react etc

That all sounds really hard, but I can't even compare it to how hard it sounds feeling guilted into sex by someone who doesn't give a shit how you feel.

And with regard to what other people say/think, you only ever have to say 1 line, on repeat. It won't be a discussion you have with anybody. Any untoward discussions of this nature, you stop in their tracks with one sentence, spoken calmly: 'He was routinely abusive to me when there was nobody else around.'

Nobody has to believe you. You know. It's your life. You are in charge.

Where did you go before when you left him?
Could he leave? Could you tell him it's done and ask him to move out?

I'm gonna do it. Calling my mum tonight and aiming to leave tomorrow if she will have me