Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

he knew I'd deleted him because he thought it was weird he hadn't liked a recent post so checked my friends list

And he told you this? That's a bit brazen (to put it mildly)

Jeez. I wonder if he's counted how many times you blink per day??

Yeah he told me! He genuinely doesn't see a problem in it because he thinks I'm wrong to even have them on my FB/insta in the first place. I can't remember if I put this on here already..he had a moan at me this week because I hadn't replied to his text within 20mins but I'd been active on Facebook (I was on facetime video call with HIS mum) He often checks if I'm active on Facebook when I'm not replying to his messages. He used to (this was before I tried leaving in July, and he accepted this to be wrong/abnormal) watch me walking up the road from work, or watch me leave the house and would ask who I was texting if I had my phone in hand or whatever. I asked him what he thought he was going to see when he looked out of the window - me getting into another man's car lol? Once asked me why I was taking a handbag out on a dog walk..what was in there that I needed (ERM whistle, poo bags, my phone, headphones?). All very weird.

I was talking to my friend yesterday (the one who knows everything) and she said she had told her husband some stuff..he's so lovely and I get on so well with him...and apparently he said that he's seen controlling behaviours when we've done things as a couple and that he would never talk to her (my friend) the way H talks to me. Every time I hear that someone "sees" it, it makes me feel stronger and that it's not in my head. He told me I was acting out of character and not acting myself and to calm down last time we had drinks with them...he happily says stuff like that to me Infront of people

I read that narcissists in relationships are like little kids with teddy bears. Their bear is their bear, and they feel furious if anyone tries to share their bear. They don't think anybody has the right. And if they are uncomfortable about something, they have no qualms about having a tantrum and beating the crap out of their bear, or chucking it off something high, or dropping it in the toilet, or telling it they hate it. They expect that the bear will be washed and returned to them without repercussions. I mean, no child expects their teddy bear to tell them off, right?

I used to be a bear and so did you, but I don't think either of us are bears now. It's enormously important to have other people hear you and believe you. He's gaslighted (gaslit?) you to such an extent that you need other people to believe in your feelings for you, to set the basis for you to believe in them yourself. They're worth their weight in gold, those people. They'll be your foundation when you leave him.

Wow...that's such a good way of describing it!

Definitely underestimated how hard it would be to pretend everything is okay. He's in one of his mardys this morning and I just cannot be bothered with it!

You can still be pissed off with him, as long as he doesn't twig that you're making plans to leave. It's not that you have to pretend everything is ok. Just make sure your plans are secret.

My friends think...My friend's wives all do/don't do x" X thinks you're unreasonable

My exh used this tactic coupled with 'most women wouldn't do blah...' god it's so tedious.

Sadly these conversations become normal after a while. They arnt trust me. I left exh in 2012 and in all the random dating I've done since then not one man has come out with this tripe since. Even a partner who was about a 5/10 abuser. It's a very targeted form of abuse and most people don't speak to their partners like this. I'm sure you could poll mn and prove it!

My exh was military though I imagine an older generation than the h in the op. I found his behaviour was quite validated by his military friends and heard some of them discuss their wives in a similar way. By no means am I implying that being forces causes this behaviour - it doesn't - but I did experience somewhat of a social contagion maybe.

My dp doesn't take a detailed interest in my social media. He wouldn't dream of asking me to curb it in any way.

It's funny what you forget....my exh started messaging men I had on Facebook and threatening to break their legs. Both were long term friends. Both (though there may n more) refrained from even telling me until about a year after I separated.

Also my exh found my posts on mumsnet very quickly just to warn you and it causes quite a drama. He posted on the thread!!! Then he wrote his own thread which started with him banging on about working away and being well paid. Mn tore him to pieces. His user name was something about the main character from the jm Barrie famous novel about never land.

How did he find your post?? Did he know you used Mumsnet before you posted? He sounds delightful...did you leave him or he leave you?

Ps, glad MN tore him apart lol

Mn tore him to pieces

Yay, the vipers

@alm23x

How did he find your post?? Did he know you used Mumsnet before you posted? He sounds delightful...did you leave him or he leave you?

He knew I used the forum. At that point I asked him to leave. We reunited briefly but at that point the abuse escalated and a court order was required. I expect he still looks for me on here and what?? Been divorced for years now

@alm23x

Ps, glad MN tore him apart lol

That was a revelation really. After years of being told I was wrong suddenly dozens of people busily typing support. It was a lightbulb moment really.

That's what happened to me on this post...opened my eyes and made me think about things that've happened over the years. I could write essays about the crap he's put me through! Glad you got out :) bet you're so much happier. It gives me hope x

@alm23x

That's what happened to me on this post...opened my eyes and made me think about things that've happened over the years. I could write essays about the crap he's put me through! Glad you got out :) bet you're so much happier. It gives me hope x

Oh course I'm happier not dealing with his crap every day but the separation/divorce was very difficult. Abusive men love the family court and will seek to maintain a level of stress in their ex partner at all times.

I have learned to cope better with his behaviour over the years. For example he has a specific text message tone so I can't be caught by surprise by an abusive message while I'm organising a coffee with the nice girls at work for example. I also put him on dnd if he's really bad then I only see the messages when I'm ready to face it.

However I was open with my manager at the time who promptly packed me off to counselling straight away which just about got me through the court proceedings while I was heavily pg!

On the plus side whilst financially ill never be as well off as exh, my kids have had the life he never would have allowed if I had stayed. We go on holiday (saved and scrimped for abs I still panic that as soon as I pay the car will pack up!!), they go to every activity they fancy (massive issue in my marriage), we go to every party we are invited to and the kids have a ball and I have a gossip with whoever I like (ground breaking!!!). More to the point I can make it from waking to bed time every day without being told off, questioned or told I'm doing it fucking wrong!! Who's have thought it? Miracle!!!

"my kids have the life they never would have" that makes me emotional! I know exactly what you mean by that and it has hit a nerve..I've often thought about holidays just me and the kids and how much fun we'd have because he's made every single one we've ever been on a misery! Every one of them. Sorry to hear he made divorce super hard, and I'm glad you got councelling. I think I will definitely need some kind of therapy off the back of this! I know when I leave he will make me out to be the bad person, threaten to take the kids, threaten to take his life, tell me he has no purpose if I take the kids and dog away from him and that he can't see life with anyone else, that I'm messing him up etc.

Oh love - your post about the ruined holidays reminded me of so much. It was like he couldn't bear my enjoyment ffs. We have enjoyed a lot of the years I didn't expect to - even open evenings at school just having fun and not dreading going home. I had a day out with a friend and her dc the other week who has recently left an abusive man. I remember her saying 'oh my god I've just realised I can stay out until we have all had enough and not pay for it when I get home!!' That was a lightbulb for her and I expect you will relate too.

You only get one chance to be you and the kids only have one childhood - make the most of it xxx

Yes I relate to that so much and I can't wait for that day! Being the only friend to clock watch or check my phone every 2 mins when I'm out with them...even if I've got the kids. Just the anxious feeling about never being late etc! Praying this next month or so goes fast x

Not remotely normal.

My husband doesn't pay much attention to who has liked my photos. I don't check who has liked his photos.

The only comments we'll make are things like "That post about XYZ was funny" or similar

I've gathered it's not normal now :( can't believe I spent so long allowing it and thinking it was the norm! Thank you for your reply xx

We are back onto him being pissed off at me because of the lack of sex, me not being attracted to him, me not being interested in him, me obviously not wanting to be with him. Makes me dread him coming home this weekend..

What's he like when you're ill? Can you 'skive off' the relationship for a bit? Develop a recurring powerful headache so that you can just about look after the kids but then have to crash out a lot? It could give you a reason to avoid sex without having to explain too much to him, and possibly some time on your own to do more reading/research.

Just a thought. The less you can be around him the better. You don't want him to bring you down when he comes home.

This started last night...when I was genuinely feeling poorly! Id text him and said how sick I felt and that I was skiving off housework for the evening and was just going to rest....he gave me a quick bit of sympathy saying he hope it passed quick and to drink plenty...then 10 minutes later said he couldn't wait to come home😈 (etc) and started talking about what he wanted me to be wearing on that night, asked for me to send a pic & was in genuine shock that I cut the conversation short! It doesn't matter to him if I feel crap or not! Now I'm getting essays about how I need to go to the doctor to address my sex drive, it's not normal for my age, I'm not replying quick enough, I'm obvs not attracted to him, how it's not fair on him that he is so attracted to me and compliments me all the time and I give nothing back to him. Essays and essays!

He won't force you, will he?