Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

I am going against the grain here. I actually think his message was quite genuine and caring.

To me it looks like he really loves you but has too much negativity in him (perhaps from childhood negative experiences or traumas) and that he has never really learnt what real loving looks like.
He seem to be full of those negative emotions that overtake him in the form controlling and abusing you even though he actually means well.

People carrying past negativity feel good when they take it out. And since you were his safe space he found it safe to take it out on you.(which I agree was very wrong). There are ways to take it out WITHOUT hurting anyone else. He is a grown up man and needs to take responsibility to change that via counselling or something similar.

Anyway that's my perspective on his behaviour from all that you have said.

I am in no way saying you need to tolerate his bad behaviours but saying that just so you know if you didn't already.

His mother said before she understands why you are doing this, she knows you and will know wherever you are you are putting your kids needs first. It’s easy for him to type a few false words but he’s showing the real him when he’s kicking off at your mothers house. Thank GOD you left there!! He’s also showing them what he would have been like if you had returned ‘home’. He’s a bully, anyone can pretend to be nice in an email. He’s seething, but he knows he won’t get you back if he lets that show. Stay strong. So glad your making friends etc, could one of the other mums bring you to the supermarket when they go? I suppose it’s difficult when you have the kids with you too but like you said you could do a click and collect and wait in the car with the kids while she does her shopping, not ideal but better than corner shop shopping ££££££! I think your the most amazing person I’ve ever read on here, you haven’t made excuses for him and have left. Your children will have the best life with you xx

@skycloudwind

People carrying past negativity feel good when they take it out. And since you were his safe space he found it safe to take it out on you

And that's abuse. It doesn't matter what he feels. It only matters that he abuses OP.

If I punched you in the face on a regular basis because I felt safe with you, would you keep me in your life?

@skycloudwind

I am going against the grain here. I actually think his message was quite genuine and caring.

To me it looks like he really loves you but has too much negativity in him (perhaps from childhood negative experiences or traumas) and that he has never really learnt what real loving looks like.
He seem to be full of those negative emotions that overtake him in the form controlling and abusing you even though he actually means well.

People carrying past negativity feel good when they take it out. And since you were his safe space he found it safe to take it out on you.(which I agree was very wrong). There are ways to take it out WITHOUT hurting anyone else. He is a grown up man and needs to take responsibility to change that via counselling or something similar.

Anyway that's my perspective on his behaviour from all that you have said.

I am in no way saying you need to tolerate his bad behaviours but saying that just so you know if you didn't already.

@skycloudwind Do you actually know the meaning of 'going against the grain' It means that you are saying or posting something that you disagree with. It doesn't mean that you disagree with the majority view on this thread.

@skycloudwind I know that you are new to Mumsnet so you might find it a bit different from some other places on the internet.

Most posters here are very keen on women and children being safe from abuse and less keen on defending abusers. They also don’t see abuse as a sign of love or as “meaning well”.

I find it interesting that you have posted twice on this thread. The first time to say that you are “very worried” about the Ops children because of the “drastic change “ and to ask if they were attached to their father and how he treated them.

And the second time to tell the Op that her husband loves her and means well.

It’s fascinating that your attention is so much on the Ops husband and how he feels, his childhood and his traumas, and trying to minimise his behaviour.

I wonder why that is.

It's really easy to take time and be smart (perhaps to have a trail of evidence for future/court/etc) caring in the email. Real life isn't exchange of emails and in real life he is not caring, he is an abuser. Don't buy into this and please block him.

Also, please don't get your children to do anything, including messages, that's not recommended by professionals. This could compromise your and their safety. I assume you'll get some professional help.

You're doing so well. Please take some time to love yourself and your DC! You need it so much right now. Everything else can wait.

Perhaps PP is the OP's husband...

[quote S00LA]@skycloudwind I know that you are new to Mumsnet so you might find it a bit different from some other places on the internet.

Most posters here are very keen on women and children being safe from abuse and less keen on defending abusers. They also don’t see abuse as a sign of love or as “meaning well”.

I find it interesting that you have posted twice on this thread. The first time to say that you are “very worried” about the Ops children because of the “drastic change “ and to ask if they were attached to their father and how he treated them.

And the second time to tell the Op that her husband loves her and means well.

It’s fascinating that your attention is so much on the Ops husband and how he feels, his childhood and his traumas, and trying to minimise his behaviour.

I wonder why that is.[/quote]
I totally agree with this, I find skycloudwind's posts incredibly odd. Why would someone come on a thread about a woman who has experienced years of psychological abuse and say things like this? It's really insidious.

OP - ignore the emails. He knows you are safe. You can always let your mum know you're safe (as I'm sure you have done) and she can tell him if he's really that worried that you'll come to harm at the women's refuge (...).

The use of the word 'we' royally p!ssed me off as well. Again, to make you think you are the odd one out behaving irrationally and risking the wellbeing of your kids while your reasonable, caring family sit and worry about you at home. It's written like you're 14, and have run off. Ignore, ignore, ignore.

xxx

He doesn’t get to be a “we” when he loses his shit because he doesn’t get his way.
Who knows that he did anyway? This might be your mum guilt-tripping you again.
I don’t think you can trust any of them, tbh.

Me and DP dont have facebook or any other social media, we occasionally sign into twitter cause we both love a celeb/football rant lol! I was the first to delete it and he followed suit not long after. We had been together over a year, and the phase of not caring if certain people commented etc was passing, we went to school with each other and pathetically we both started to say oh i see so and so has liked this, and that clearly not been acceptable as when i was 14 i hated her 😂 but despite the childishness jealousy, it was the best thing we both ever did, we dont get involved in online crap, we miss most things going on in peoples lives but our outlook on it is we know what is going on in our friends lives cause they tell us directly. We can both get jealous over stupidness but 3 years later we still don't miss it. I was always like no one will make me feel like i have to delete it, until i met "my one" and nothing else mattered. I know so many people who have had issues or broken up because of online cheating i just don't think its worth the hassle and plus i really couldn't give a fuck if lynn down the road is just having her tenth fag of the day after putting the washing out or if barrys kid is top of the spelling comp this week, worry about yourself and your own!! If your husband is being this way then it's obvious its having an affect on him
So maybe get rid of it or have a chat about why hes looking into it too much, insecure maybe??

@Doppel would it kill you to RTFT?

I was expecting the reaction I got.

First of all I never said that OP should bear his abuse, I clearly said she should not tolerate the abuse.

And yes I am still worried and concerned about OP and her kids. Most of you don't seem to realise what a drastic change that is for a person - to be so far away from everything they ever knew with all new people. Yes it is safe but it must be so new and strange if you see what I mean. So I feel for OP very much and esp for the kids and esp esp for the 7 year old who will remember her old home, friends etc.

I know I spoke about her husbands scenario only because OP said she was feeling sad about his last email and everyone was saying he is messing with her head etc. I felt differently and have the right to comment lol!
A close cousin of mine was very similarly abusive. His wife was my good friend so I knew their story closely. He wasn't physically violent but it was a complete torture to live with him. I knew his childhood was very harsh which made him the person he was. Which is what I thought about from reading OPs story. He was a very good boy as a child but what happened with him changed him so much.

And no I am not OPs husband lol!

Really wishing you well for the future. I hope you get your own place soon.

[quote Eckhart]@skycloudwind

People carrying past negativity feel good when they take it out. And since you were his safe space he found it safe to take it out on you

And that's abuse. It doesn't matter what he feels. It only matters that he abuses OP.

If I punched you in the face on a regular basis because I felt safe with you, would you keep me in your life?[/quote]
Did I say she should keep him in her life?

I said that it is HIS responsibility as a grown man to seek counselling and rectify whatever makes him so negative. I am thinking of my cousin who was similarly abusive and took a lot of counselling when he finally realised how much torturous he was for his family.

Most of you don't seem to realise what a drastic change that is for a person - to be so far away from everything they ever knew with all new people. Yes it is safe but it must be so new and strange if you see what I mean. So I feel for OP very much and esp for the kids and esp esp for the 7 year old who will remember her old home, friends etc

Are you kidding?! Read the thread through properly. OP has been (rightly so) showered with love and praise and encouragement, nobody has minimised the fact she's gone to a refuge - they've acknowledged what a huge change this is and been telling her how brave she is.

The absolute brass neck of you to make out people have minimised how difficult it is to leave, while minimising her husbands accountability.

It doesn't matter why someone is abusive, it matters they are abusive. Especially with kids involved.

@skycloudwind

I was expecting the reaction I got.

First of all I never said that OP should bear his abuse, I clearly said she should not tolerate the abuse.

And yes I am still worried and concerned about OP and her kids. Most of you don't seem to realise what a drastic change that is for a person - to be so far away from everything they ever knew with all new people. Yes it is safe but it must be so new and strange if you see what I mean. So I feel for OP very much and esp for the kids and esp esp for the 7 year old who will remember her old home, friends etc.

I know I spoke about her husbands scenario only because OP said she was feeling sad about his last email and everyone was saying he is messing with her head etc. I felt differently and have the right to comment lol!
A close cousin of mine was very similarly abusive. His wife was my good friend so I knew their story closely. He wasn't physically violent but it was a complete torture to live with him. I knew his childhood was very harsh which made him the person he was. Which is what I thought about from reading OPs story. He was a very good boy as a child but what happened with him changed him so much.

And no I am not OPs husband lol!

I won't turn this into a full blown conversation as I don't think that would be particularly helpful to the OP, but I can say with the utmost certainty that everyone on this thread is mindful of the kids, OP especially so. You can rest assured that you are not alone in your concern, if that has been bothering you. The reason nobody else is pointing it out because it's such a given. However, it's something of a 'necessary evil' for them to experience a period of temporary upheaval for long term stability and a healthy environment to grow up in. Reminding everyone to 'think of the children' just isn't necessary - everyone already is.

Same goes for the 'sad people do bad things' comment - it doesn't matter how or why OP's partner had treated her like he has. All comments like that do is take the focus away from where it needs to be - on the OP rebuilding her life - and back on the 'sad' man who no doubt could be 'fixed' with a bit of councilling and loving support (my ar$e). that's most likely the line he'll be taking over the coming weeks, OP is going to have her work cut out being resilient to this and certainly doesn't need it from this side too.

@whatsbinhappnin i did fucking read it!!
Im telling her what i did..... maybe i should have wrote it clearer bur my response is saying in my opinion if someone has insecurities like her husband clearly has if he's making these comments, is having social media in your life that important? Is having likes on pictures and comments on a status what really gives you joy in life? Life is bigger than a news feed!!!

And I'm not saying hes right for questioning her on things but i think the bigger question is why is he questioning? Maybe hes got something to hide or hes has attention on social media and liked it thats why he dont like his wife having it

@daftapath thanks I didn't know that re kindle. Annoying to not be able to buy off the app though

Op re heat issue - lots of layers (I've lived in some dire places heat wise and have become an expert! Tights AND socks AND leggings AND trousers/jeans/joggers (joggers are warmest) on bottom half, bra AND vest top AND t-shirt AND long sleeved top AND fine knit sweater AND chunkier sweater AND cardigan/dressing gown on top half and if necessary also hat/scarf/gloves indoors too)

Re food shop can you get bus/walk there and taxi back? I've done that before. Or share a cab with someone else in refuge?

When you can afford to you can get hot water bottles, electric blankets, small room heater (halogen are fabulous and very cheap to buy and run, light to carry too, I've a fan at the moment as I need the cool setting as I'm pre-meno!)

I agree a new email address is in order - fresh start all round - and don't make it in your name OR the kids name, make it a phrase that he won't guess and signifies your new start.

@skycloudwind Apologism much?! You clearly have very little experience in this area! Great for you but you shouldn't make such ill advised comments, both your posts are very much defending and excusing an ABUSER - that's shameful behaviour to be honest! It's also manipulative and cruel to do this on this thread or similar threads.

It’s fascinating that your attention is so much on the Ops husband and how he feels, his childhood and his traumas, and trying to minimise his behaviour

I wonder why that is

Me too - very odd

Don't be so patronising! OF COURSE we know it's a huge upheaval for op AND the kids - but it's still better for them ALL than staying vulnerable to ops ex!

Counselling doesn't work with this kind of person

@Daydreamingdil you clearly only read the first post not ops follow up posts the thread has moved on massively! This was NOT just ops NOW EX being a little insecure op was being terribly abused mentally/emotionally and is now in a refuge with her dc.

@youvegottenminuteslynn

Most of you don't seem to realise what a drastic change that is for a person - to be so far away from everything they ever knew with all new people. Yes it is safe but it must be so new and strange if you see what I mean. So I feel for OP very much and esp for the kids and esp esp for the 7 year old who will remember her old home, friends etc

Are you kidding?! Read the thread through properly. OP has been (rightly so) showered with love and praise and encouragement, nobody has minimised the fact she's gone to a refuge - they've acknowledged what a huge change this is and been telling her how brave she is.

The absolute brass neck of you to make out people have minimised how difficult it is to leave, while minimising her husbands accountability.

It doesn't matter why someone is abusive, it matters they are abusive. Especially with kids involved.

Wow such hatred spitting out from you.

Looks like I am quite inexperienced for this.

I really felt it would be helpful for OP to know of other perspectives from stories similar to hers. I have seen very similar story very closely in real life as I mentioned earlier.

Since everyone here feels my comments are harmful instead of helpful, I will take my leave from this thread as that's certainly not my intention.

Once again OP wish you and your little ones all the very best.

[quote Daydreamingdil]@whatsbinhappnin i did fucking read it!!
Im telling her what i did..... maybe i should have wrote it clearer bur my response is saying in my opinion if someone has insecurities like her husband clearly has if he's making these comments, is having social media in your life that important? Is having likes on pictures and comments on a status what really gives you joy in life? Life is bigger than a news feed!!![/quote]
@whatsbinhappnin asked if you read the thread because OP has now made many, many comments which have added to the point of view of how controlling and abusive her husband is, and she has now escaped his control with her children and is living in a women’s refuge. I recommend when a thread is this long, before you comment, you click “see all” on OP’s original post so that you can read all the comments by the OP, at least.

Ignore the people who clearly have not read the whole thread and who clearly don’t understand anything about domestic abuse, OP.

Instead, focus on the amazing journey you have begun towards a happy new life for you and your children. I think you have been - are! - bloody amazing, and I’m in awe of the strength and courage you have displayed.

You have had such good advice from most people on here, particularly from @Eckhart, who I also think is bloody amazing. Please continue to embrace the wisdom she and others have shared, and take all the help you are offered.

I’m sure you will have some difficult days ahead, but I’m also sure that the strength that has got you this far will also help through any tough times to come. We are all here for you and willing you on.

So it's my way or highway for the posters on this thread eh?

Can someone not offer a different perspective?
Just because you are anonymous you can be rude and vile to other posters?

If I thought my comments are harmful instead of helpful I wouldn't have bothered to comment.

OP - I was thinking of you all day today after reading your thread last night and thought I should share my thoughts if it may help.
I have seen a real life story very similar to yours as I mentioned in my other comments and really wanted you to know the other side perspective
Maybe I have been wrong OP, in which case I sincerely apologise. I feel it helps to know stories of other people in similar situations just to broaden our perspective of things.
Best wishes

And @alm23x... I think you have just seen why you will never be able to trust his family, no matter how great they were with your kids or you in the past. They will automatically default to carrying his history forward to justify and minimize his behaviours and the effect they HD on you and would have had on the kids had you not protected them the way you did. Your DH’s behaviour IS extreme. Please don’t second-guess yourself. You have done the right thing here for your kids and their futures - and for the future generations too, because, my wonderful Warrior Woman, you can stand proud in the knowledge that you are the one who broke the cycle.