Only read ops posts
If I walk...I lose everything because we are in military housing
I was actually in a worse position when I split from my ex, in military housing, hundreds of miles from anyone I knew, Sahm at the time...
Still managed it!
Abuse is VERY common in the military as is cheating (reason I left ex) I wouldn’t be surprised if you learned he was the cheat and this is all deflection!
There IS help. Make an appointment with hive or ssafa - most if not all have a domestic abuse person. Mine were incredibly helpful to me, including negotiating the move out and I received donations from ssafa for things I needed for new place like cooker etc. Ex could get aggro and they also spoke with his CO who got him to back off while things were getting sorted.
At the start of it all I was SO naive about everything. I’ve learned so much in the time since, out of necessity and actually really like helping others out who don’t know the score here and on other forums.
Happy to pm if you wish too? Would mean you could give me relevant but identifying information that may allow me to help you more? Totally your choice
I have to say - and this may seem weird to others on the thread - what you’re describing is very common and very NORMALISED in military circles.
Unless you’re familiar with military life that may seem very odd.
Imo it’s partly because:
There IS a lot of cheating goes on (not just the men/serving personnel) because the lifestyle makes it more tempting and appear to be easier to get away with (if your husband is deployed to North Africa for 6 months and you live “outside the fence” you may well think there’s no way he’ll find out, ditto “what goes on tour stays on tour” the unwritten “rule” that another serving person doesn’t tell a soldiers spouse that they cheated while on deployment)
The people that tend to join the forces are usually a certain personality type, they can be the type that needs control, that likes clearly defined parameters in their lives, to discipline others etc that’s what makes the forces appeal to them - unpopular opinion perhaps but fairly accurate in my opinion
Being away from friends/family who know you both well means you’re meeting and socialising with “unknown quantities” so low level insecurities can be heightened
Being away from friends and family also means you’re socialising with people who only know you as a couple and not what you were like before him and he you.
The pressures of the job and the lifestyle can increase development of mental illness, not just ptsd as non military people might think - this is NOT an excuse btw but a contributing factor. Alcohol addiction also a major problem in the military - everything revolves around drink!
My point is, part of the reason it feels so normalised to you is because within the forces such behaviour is to a degree.
DO NOT let dwp, housing associations etc tell you they don’t have to help you because you are/were a military wife! I had that told to me and it’s bullshit!
Surely if he was abusing me though he wouldn't be apologising and admitting fault like this??
That’s completely normal for abusers - how else do you think they keep their victims trapped?
My mother HATES receiving flowers because my dad would always get her a huge expensive bouquet the day after a battering! (He was also army) - look up “cycle of abuse” if they behaved rotten all the time nobody would spend time with them!
It’s absolutely relevant that your stepdad is also controlling and abusive - yes he is! That is not just “set in his ways”
As you’re in healthcare could you possibly set up a transfer to occur when you leave rather than having to leave one job and take another?
You WILL in a year or so possibly even sooner, after leaving, find you’re doing absolutely fine on your own.
I found a job relatively quickly and childcare for dd. I even went to uni after about 18 months and completed a degree. I’m not working now due to ill health mostly unrelated to ex.
Entitledto and similar are only a guide and don’t cover everything you might be entitled to, eg they can’t say what settlement you’d get in the divorce (I’d urge you to rethink letting him keep all the savings! You’ve contributed to those I’m sure!)
Personally on the benefits side I’ve found the welfare rights workers in local council offices (usually part of social care depts) are much more up to date and pro-active in helping with benefits claims and knowing what you’re eligible for. Both with dwp and other agencies.
I would caution against even attempting to complete the forms yourself, they’re designed to limit the amount of successful claims made! of you haven’t already put your claim in, if you have then hopefully all will run smoothly but keep on top of dwp etc and if there’s any issues contact the people I recommended
You should also be able to register NOW with the housing associations in the area you’re in, BUT make it clear to them that you’ve left an abusive relationship and that they must ONLY speak to you via the contact info you give them - they have protocols and procedures for this they must legally adhere to I believe
You may not have had a council tax bill as such but an amount is deducted from his salary to cover this - it’s just called something else and is an average of council tax costs across Uk.
Don’t depend on child maintenance. It used to be forces were very good on this, not the case any more. Indeed with the high divorce rate they all advise each other of the loopholes to exploit - in person and on their services forum, Arrse (army version of mn!) is...illuminating as to how many of them think! However, no harm in putting in a claim with cms, if you know his serial number even better as it’ll expedite things on his employers end.
As a child in a household like this (with additional physical and csa) I will say it’s a miserable, tense and stressful home for children. I left home at 17 as a result and never went back to live. You would be doing a great thing by leaving not only for yourself but your dc. Those first few months living in a bedsit it was almost disconcerting NOT to feel tense, NOT to have that “holding my breath until I know what mood he’s in” feeling when I heard dads key in the door, NOT to have to adhere to all his rules in order to avoid arguments, or worse. I’d say it took me a good 18 months to really accept my new reality. Be prepared for peacefulness to feel “wrong” at first - it’s your body responding to the change it takes a while.
I’m 48 now and still very much affected by my childhood, I have severe ocd which also means agoraphobia, depression, general anxiety and possibly therapist says ptsd from the sexual abuse.
My mums been accused of having affairs if she’s so much as 5 mins back from the supermarket, she knows how to time her activities so she’s home “in time”, and woe betide if he calls her and she doesn’t answer! He is no longer physically capable of battering her but the emotional/mental abuse and control I would say is worse and far more entrenched! They’ve been married nearly 50 years, she’ll never leave him. Every so often she gets worn down and says she’s thinking about it but it never happens. I’ll admit I was pissed off when she “blamed” us (the kids) for her not leaving years ago because to be honest it’s bullshit! We’d have been BETTER off if she’d left and we all begged her to on numerous occasions as did her siblings and parents but we’ve all now reluctantly accepted she won’t leave. She feels guilt now for not leaving when we were younger, especially after I disclosed the csa to her in my adulthood. She understands why I am vlc with dad (and even that is for her sake).
Op emotional “force” re sex is just as out of order as physical!
“This too shall pass” is one of my favourite sayings. It applies to everything - bad and good - ‘the bad won’t last you’ll survive it’ ‘the good won’t last savour it’
It’s divisive on mn but I love it, it’s got me through so much - shitty jobs, early stages of parenthood, bad relationships...
Your mum’s actually possibly right. Not necessarily a full on “breakdown” but your feelings will fluctuate, you’ll have bad days even now you’ve left - remember bad days are a NORMAL part of life and it’s not a reason to go back to him, also he may seem super reasonable and even attractive to you once again at some point - you were attracted to him once before it’s not “out there” but REMIND YOURSELF that isn’t the real him, that’s the photo shopped version! The real version has zits and smelly breath and snores! Don’t try and “be strong” when this hits, do what’s easiest for you to get through this stage.
Different circumstances but when I split from ex I really struggled with sleep and eating, I kept sleeping on the sofa as couldn’t face the “marital bed” but the first few nights I wouldn’t admit this to myself and slept very uncomfortably, fully dressed, crappy sofa cushions as pillows and a wee throw only as bedclothes and so I was cold and sore the next day. After a few nights of this I had a word with myself, accepted I wasn’t ready to sleep in the bed so took pillows and a single duvet downstairs! Eating I was so tense I couldn’t swallow anything more substantial than mashed potato! Again took me a few days until I accepted I needed to work around it for now and I switched to weetabix instead of toast for breakfast, soups, fruit juice and lots of tea the rest of the time and my gp even prescribed me some fortisip when I was really bad at the beginning and weight was dropping off me!
Whoa!
Re joint bank account - get that sorted ASAP!
My ex emptied our joint accounts days after our split and it included child benefit and child tax credits payments intended for dds needs - have you contacted child benefit yet? But
ALSO if you have a joint account it makes it easier to run up debt in BOTH your names and you’d be legally liable.
Personally I’d advise you to withdraw half, possibly more to recover YOUR money from the help to buy account. Then advise the bank that you’ve left him and wish to remove your name from the account.
THIS NEEDS DONE ASAP.
You might not care about the money right now - when you’re trying to furnish a new home and pay bills with 2 dc you’re responsible for on benefits (hopefully not for long but you never know) you will very likely regret not getting the money sorted at this stage.
I was able to recover what my ex had taken via the divorce but it took years!
Friendships - in a crisis you find true friends! People you thought you were close to may become invisible BUT also people you previously considered “just” acquaintances can become lifelong friends as a result. When I had my breakdown 2 people I would have described as “best friends” pretty much vanished! That hurt, but other friends really came through and 3 people I’d only been on “nodding acquaintance” with until that point were bloody amazing!
Get onto your Mp and local social housing associations re getting somewhere ASAP
I would have been concerned for your and dcs personal safety if you had returned to quarters!
Ok...
Having read all your posts now I’m so impressed by how you’ve handled everything. Your mum doesn’t sound like a bad person but I wouldn’t trust her not to give him the address and that’s not only a risk for you and would leave you homeless but it’s putting the other residents at risk too and I’m sure you wouldn’t want any responsibility for that.
My offer re pm still stands there are some things you or I can’t really post in the public area as too identifying/risky but I’m honestly very happy to help in any way I can.