Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

Fantastic OP. Agree with poster above; don't tell your mum where/ when you are going, just go. She doesn't have your back on this and will be a liability. Go, and take all the time you need to clear your head before making any decisions on contact etc.

I think it’s a good solution. It might well bring out his anger, but it doesn’t matter because you’ll be safe and surrounded by people who can help, rather than your mother and co trying to push you back. And they’ll be able to help/advise you on how to move forward into a house of your own. It just takes the worry that your mother is causing you at the moment. Fingers crossed for you. You’re amazing in how you’re keeping so strong and finding solutions. You’re going to get through these tough times and be happy. Be proud of yourself.

You are incredible. I dont even know you but I'm proud of you. If you feel lonely at the refuge you have literally hundreds of us here ready to give you some emotional support as well as advice on practicalities. Hundreds of us! So while you may feel alone your first night there, take a breath and pause and remember you aren't as we are all thinking of you

How are you getting there? Try to use something that your husband can't trace.

Alm you are being so brave and strong and doing brilliantly. It sounds like the refuge will give you some much needed breathing space and a break away from him and your mum to start planning your future.

I hope that once your mum realises how resolute you are in this, that'll she come to understand and be more supportive of your choices.

I'm sure it must all seem scary and uncertain at the moment, but it's only temporary and you'll find your feet and get yourself set up in a new and better life. One step at a time.

You're doing so well. Every day you post that you are struggling, yet every day you make these great practical leaps and bounds forwards. Refuge is good. They will understand and validate you.

I think anything that triggers your anger is good, really. Anger is what you have supressed all of your life as your boundaries have been crossed and crossed again, first (and still) by your mother/SD, and then by your ex. You will have a backlog of anger which might come out as a kind of muted scream of an attitude for a while (like all the sweary capitals last night), and gradually, as you get used to acknowledging that anger, it will settle into an assertiveness that will change your life, your relationships, and the examples and lessons you give to your kids. They are very lucky to have a mother like you, who will stand up for her rights, and their rights, not to be abused. Many abuse victims never stand up to their abusers, or even recognise that anything is wrong beyond the fact that their life feels bad.

You are very brave. Very. Your strength against adversity is really showing, day after day, and this will come out well for you.

I can understand the feeling of looking in on someone else’s life and it’s all not real and how has it happened so fast - like a waking dream. But you are being so strong and protecting yourself and your children - you are the lioness. This is all raw at the moment but please believe me you will get through this and come out the other side. Thousands of us have. Take heart and remain strong and have a bloody good cry - it helps💐

Amazing OP, again well done. There’s so many of these threads that don’t end this way and you have really put your foot down and said no this is it now I deserve better. Your amazing, it’s going to feel hard and numb and like omg is this my life but look at it as this is the end of your last life and about to start your new life with you and your kids. Where you can wake up without that knot in your tummy as to what mood he’s in today, he will probably see the kids EOW or whatever and gives you time to decorate bits in your home and meet
Friends etc, the future is looking good for you, and you did it all yourself!

Great progress op!!! Can’t wait to hear you are settled and I really think the move to a refuge will be a great move no walking on egg shells at your mums xxx

Heading to the shops now for a few essential food bits to take as my kids eat so much lol! and a sim!! will catch up later xx thanks so much as usual xd

Good luck OP!

the refuge may seem drastic, but the refuge really is the best place to go, given that nobody believes you are truly safe at your mums house, as she appears to be siding with the abuser to arrange a 3 pronged attack to send you back to him (because you know you wont be able to refuse him access to the home)
Refuge may be more than you expect to be honest - there will be counselling thrown in, and a supportive environment, and they will help push forward any housing application and also help legally in disentangling your life, as well as helping you to prevent the ongoing harassment he is giving you.

I'm so glad you're taking up the refuge place. It'll give you a much needed break to get your head around things, make the calls you need to. The kids will be better too, not having to tiptoe around your mum and sf.

Try to look at it positively. You can explore the new area with your dc. You will have all those negative people in your life at arms length instead of in your face. This is a good stepping stone into your better life.

Thanks everyone. Think I've been accepted, just waiting on a call about where and when etc etc. I feel in shock and I'm a bit worried I've made the wrong decision as one of the conditions is zero contact for the kids and him. He's going to go mad! I feel awful restricting contact between them. However, I told him yesterday that he was welcome to call the kids this morning and he hasn't bothered so that says alot.

I'm.going to read everyone's replies more thoroughly later as I've been so busy today but appreciate every comment xxxx

I told him yesterday that he was welcome to call the kids this morning and he hasn't bothered so that says alot

Think about how this would be the other way round. Imagine he'd taken the kids from you. Would you have been phoning him 13 times in a day saying 'Poor me, I can't believe you've done this to me, I'm going to self harm, my mum says you should come back to me, I love you sooooo much my darling...', and then not phoning to speak to your kids? It's despicable.

You'd have been round there banging his door down to get access to them, and calling him an arsehole!

Some of it may be for safety reasons, the kids might innocently give something about the location away to him.

But some of it is they know they need to help you be strong. You've done amazingly but he will try to use anything to win you back. The kids are a weak spot for you, and he'll push for contact if he can. Despite not actually caring to check on them as you have wisely noted.

Really proud of you! I know it's scary but you'll be safe there and it'll probably feel nice to be around other mums who have been going through the same thing as you and your kids will have other children to hang out with.
I hope everything goes smoothly as possible xxx

Amazing Alm, you’ve done the right thing 💛

Doesn't feel like I have but I've been told to start trying to my gut instinct and here I am xx

*trying to listen to my gut

If anyone disclosed the refuge address then it’s a risk to all the other women and children there.

Your mother might think that your ex husband is harmless and tell him address. But the ex partner of another women might go there and injure or even kill her / her children / anyone else that stands in his way.

I’m not trying to scare you. But more that two women every week are killed by their partner or ex - and the most dangerous time is when they are planning to leave or have left.

That’s why you must not tell anyone or risk the children telling him. They are really REALLY strict on this.

When we helped our friend leave her husband, she didn’t even tell any of us where the refuge was. We knew the city but not the address. And we were the ones who spent weeks planning her Escape and smuggling things out of her house!

BTW the reason you feel awful about “restricting contact“ is that “ he will go mad”. Not “ the kids will be devastated if they don’t see him for a few weeks. “.

You are anxious about his anger and what he will do. He has trained you well.

Of course the kids will be fine . They will like having other kids and so many new toys to play with.

Remember that to you it’s a refuge but to them it’s like going on holiday.

So glad you've got a refuge place! That's very good news.

If your Ex H has any contact with the children, he could make them tell him where the refuge is, or follow them/you back there.

It's really important that you do as the refuge ask, for yours (and everyone else at the refuge) safety

I am so glad that you are going to a refuge. This will give you a chance to catch your breath and make your own decisions about what will happen next without your mum derailing any decisions you make.

I am sure that they have already said but double check that you don't share any location information on your phone with his phone - 'find my iPhone' or 'find friends' or 'Snapchat' or any others that have that facility. Especially if you share an account or he has had access to your phone. Could he have set any trackers on there?