Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

The happy road still ahead, don’t worry about that

This is the beginning of the journey back to a happy life

Stick with it.
You’ll get there

Do NOT go to the meeting what on earth is your mother playing at, you need to put your foot down and her very very stern and say ‘ I am trying to get out of YOUR way I am doing this for me and my children so surely
You can do the same for yours!!! I am not returning home in the middle
Of nowhere where he can turn up at any time, I do not feel safe and how would you feel if he set the house on fire with me and the kids in it??? This is a man who is telling everyone who will listen he is mentally unstable and wanting to kill himself! What has he got to lose!! Now support me or don’t but I will not be bullied into meetings by my own mother After ten years of being bullied by him”

Im furious with her!! I don’t want to scare you with the fire parts but women are more likely to be killed by a partner than anybody else. You need to open her eyes, she should be your shoulder to cry on, even if SD was struggling if I moved home and my stepdad moaned she would tell him to fuck off somewhere else until I was ready to leave. Xxxx

I was offered a refuge....but again, it's 50miles away from anyone and anything I know! How do I keep the kids entertained, I have a crazy three year old lol? My head is just spinning! My mum thinks she's doing the right thing and I think the people pleaser in her is just wanting to sort things out amicably "for the grandkids" as she keeps saying. Its limited what I can actually talk to her about regarding him/the situation anyway as the kids are literally always around. My 3 year old doesn't leave my hip now 😟. I will call shelter and the council tomorrow then and see how they can help. Just really really don't want a refuge :( know you're probably thinking I'm being picky but it just seems so extreme and isolated x

I can't reply to everyone individually as I'm on my phone app so once I press reply I can't remember who has said what...but I appreciate all your replies and I know how serious I have to take going back home. I will tell her tomorrow that I don't feel comfortable with a meeting.

Sallysally I'm glad you're not feeling all them horrible things anymore. It's just awful isn't it living with that constant knot. I don't need to write a list to determine if I like him...I definitely DO NOT, lol. I feel as strong as ever about not going back to him. I know I'm out of that now and I feel very very strong about never ever letting him hoover me back. It's just housing now🤞😟..xxxx

Oh gosh, going back to that house is literally the lion's den and I'm so afraid for you. Please choose anything but being anywhere he can get to you. A child might be bored for three weeks but better that than being without their mum forever. Not trying to be dramatic, but that man shits me up. And he obviously does the organisations you've contacted too.

your Mother is a DISGRACE !?

Can you phone someone now ? whilst everyone is asleep?

Polyxena I'm so sorry you went through all of that 😟 glad you're out of it though and did get support. I just keep getting told by my mum and SD that "it's the wrong time of year" when it comes to housing, leaving etc.

In response to someone else that said do I have any friends nearby I could stay with ..nope! I literally have three 'best' friends and their houses are already full to bursting anyway so I would just feel in exactly the same position I think x

Glad you've posted, Alm. Things sound tough for you. Really tough. Your guilt feelings are pre-programmed, you know. They're not reality anywhere except inside you. I know it's hard to challenge them, because they feel like instincts, and that's because you learnt them very young. But you can challenge them.

The reality is that you've suffered serious emotional abuse for a long time, and escaping that will be exhausting and disruptive for you and your children. This Christmas may be spoilt. There will be practical and emotional detritus for everybody involved, for quite some time.

None of this is because you're doing the wrong thing. Have you ever tried to clean out a cluttered room and found that you had to make it worse first before it started to get better? That's where you're at. All the hoarded stuff that was hiding in the cupboards is now all over the carpet in full view, and it looks like a wreckage. But you would never have chosen this if there was a better option. The wreckage is his creation. It is the tangible mess made by his abuse. That's why it's so wrong for you to feel guilt about it: He has abused you, and now you feel to blame.

Go easy on yourself. And if you've asked him not to keep contacting you and he's doing so at the rate you mentioned, that's harassment. He is still abusing you. Tell him you will be switching your phone off and will update him once a day about the kids.

rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/violence-against-women-and-international-law/harassment-and-the-law/#Restraining%20orders

I really feel for you. You're going in the right direction, but the happy road ahead is just past the horizon. Don't be feeling that it isn't there just because you can't see it yet.

Please remember the refuge is a temporary base that will give you a place while you to look for your own new home. It might only be for a week or two.

Keep going. You can do this.

Christmas isn’t really magical for any kids right now so please don’t feel that guilt on top of everything else.

Your mum needs to be told that mediation (which she is trying to do) does not work when there has been domestic abuse.

Also there is proof that he would not listen to anything that was agreed. You’ve asked him not to bombard you and he can’t respect that. Your mum believes that he will leave you alone in the house because she is going to ask nicely?

50 miles sounds far but could be ideal for a bit of time and space without any pressure.

Sorry if this isn’t appropriate but could you scrape some funds together for an AirBnB for a few weeks? A long term let (4 weeks+) rates might be affordable / negotiable especially as travel is restricted at the minute. And the checks required are minimal.

Go to a refugee. Do not go back.

I think you need to tell SSAFA that you're going to involve the police.

You asked him to stop bombarding you and he didn't. He is harassing you. Inform the police now. Hopefully they will have a word with him, maybe via military police.

Do not go to a meeting. You're not a child, your mum doesn't get to boss you around.

Tell your mum "if you want to help, please have the kids for two hours tomorrow so I can focus on phone calls" and speak to the counselling service.

Is there any Airbnb nearby you could rent medium term? Just to get out of your mum's house?

You need to get onto the council housing officer as you are now technically homeless.

I hope your mum is bloody proud of herself - she is literally prioritising two unpleasant men over her daughter and grandchildren.

I wish you could come and stay with me. I have two empty bedrooms. I offered them to woman's aid ages ago but they said it doesn't work like that.

Also - can you learn to drive once things are a bit more settled?

Eckhart what you said about the closet just set me off again, you're right and I know you are. I know that this is all temporary and it will pass. I knew it would be hard but my god I didn't prepare for this. I'm not sure why I can't seem to allow myself to consider the refuge..I know it sounds safe and it buys me time...I honestly think it's embarrassment? I don't know. I think I also hate whatt his family will think of me pursuing routes surrounding DA. Why do I even care what they think!? He would surely have to know I was somewhere considering he would have access to see the children during the time I was staying there?

I've looked at air BnB and there's literally zilch!! Have emailed the council just now, just incase I can't call until late tomorrow (any calls are dependant on how long the kids leave me alone for, lol) atleast I've made some kind of contact. Will call shelter tomorrow. SSAFA have already advised logging things with 101 as of tomorrow, after sending that text to him saying it's unwanted behaviour etc. Learning to drive - yes! It's going to be my priority as soon as I get on my feet because it's now that I really realise I'm stuck without driving.

I think you should show your mum this thread. I don't think she realises how much she is trying to put you in danger.

@alm23x

I've looked at air BnB and there's literally zilch!! Have emailed the council just now, just incase I can't call until late tomorrow (any calls are dependant on how long the kids leave me alone for, lol) atleast I've made some kind of contact. Will call shelter tomorrow. SSAFA have already advised logging things with 101 as of tomorrow, after sending that text to him saying it's unwanted behaviour etc. Learning to drive - yes! It's going to be my priority as soon as I get on my feet because it's now that I really realise I'm stuck without driving.

Hi OP,

I just want to give you a big hug.

Keep going. You’re doing the right thing. Do not go to the 'family meeting'. You will be like a lamb to the slaughter. He'll sit you in front of you and your sets of parents and cry and tell you how much he loves you and the children are the priority and twist everything and make you feel guilty and crazy.

Gentle reminder the best thing for the children is to grow up knowing what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship, and to have a loving household where people are happy and respect each other. One turbulent Christmas isn't going to do them any harm.

Also, based on your last few messages I’ve gone back to the start of this thread and picked out a few comments you’ve made. I just want to let you know that every single one of these is a red flag:

• my husband seems to check exactly who's liked every photo that I post. He questions me as to why certain men have liked stuff

• I had to explain who each man was that had liked the picture

• Ive had to delete two men recently because he asks me constantly why they like my posts and that must mean I'm talking to them

• I literally get anxiety when I upload things, just incase someone likes it that might set him off

• I do have friends, but theres been lots of issues in the past with him not liking them

• facetimed me when I've taken the dog for a walk to prove I was alone..

• he's got angry and in my face in the past

• He's ruined family trips before because I've looked in th direction of a guy that he's said I'm checking out

• He's tried to alienate me from my own friends plenty of times

• nobody else makes me feel as shit as he does, nobody else gives me that horrible knot in my stomach

• often makes cheating remarks...who am I wearing that makeup for, why I'm wearing so much

• he was probably going through my stuff

• he's openly shitty with me in public around people he's comfortable with

• he speaks to the kids like shit

• I walk on egg shells and do things that I know will prevent an argument...

• f I don't want full sex, it's my own fault I'm not in the mood I just need to try harder

• I’m getting essays about how I need to go to the doctor to address my sex drive, it's not normal for my age

• Once asked me why I was taking a handbag out on a dog walk..what was in there that I needed

• If I'm out with friends he expects to be messaging and talking to me throughout and starts an argument if I don't reply for a while

• He's been away three days now and I have felt zero anxiety since he left, the whole house seems calmer

I bet you could add a few dozen more to that list.

The stuff above isn’t even the worst - the most insidious thing is the way he makes you feel like you’re crazy. The way he twists everything and makes you doubt yourself. That’s the worst thing. That’s what really messed me up.

You’re in a difficult situation, and he knows it. You have kids to think of, you have limited finances, you don’t have a secure place to stay. He knows he holds power over you, and he is wielding it. He is going to do everything he can to make himself come across as the reasonable caring guy and you come across as the crazy heartless person.

OP, don’t buy this. I promise you aren’t. You’re an incredibly loving, caring person, that much is obvious.

Sending all my love xxx

I know you're right, and I didn't even need to read back on all of them things to know you're all right and know that he's a really horrible person and has treated me like shit for years. I genuinely do see that now, maybe not as clearly as others, but I do see it. SSAFA woman said she's noticed I struggle with decision making and I apologise alot, it really upsets me how much he's changed me as a person and how much healing and work I'm going to have to put into myself because of him! Thank you for being so lovely x

Why do I even care what they think

It's simply pre-progamming. You have been taught this response when you were too little to work out whether you wanted to learn it or not.

I know that sounds disempowering but it's the opposite. You are at liberty - complete and utter liberty - to emotionally interpret what is now happening in any way you wish. You don't have to bow down to your unsupportive childhood training any more; the training that told you you were always wrong.

Personally I think you should start with a bit of very loud swearing. Just in your head, obviously, because the kids are right there. But something like 'They're going to think I'm an x and a y for doing this, they're going to think I'm a horrible person... Well, FUCK THE FUCKING FUCKERS BECAUSE IT'S MY FUCKING LIFE AND I'M IN CHARGE AND I FUCKING ROCK!!!!'

A-hem. As I said upthread, pardon my french... Righteous anger can be really helpful, and by god do you have the right.

Gonna have to try and get some sleep now. Plan for tomorrow is: pray I get accepted on the rental, call shelter, start off the process with the council, and really think about a refuge. Do I have to tell 101 what the messages from him actually say? Some are him forwarding me houses he thinks would be good for me and the kids...and some are him asking if there someone else....then he will send one saying 'thinking of you alm23x. I hope you're ok'. Mindgames?? Anyways, il check back on here in the morning. Thanks as always for all being so amazing!

• * edited by MNHQ to remove personal details * *

Please don't go to the meeting.
There will be lots of him crying and the parents saying "do the right thing for the kids" when really what they mean is "please give him what he wants so our lives can be easier".

You are genuinely doing the right thing for your kids by keeping yourself and them safe. What your mum and his mum want is dangerous and purely selfish.

I honestly think a refuge may be a good idea. It won't be for long and you can almost guarantee that there'll be other children there for your kids to play with.

You're doing amazing and it's all going to be ok. You've got this! Xx

@eckhart FUCK ALL THE FUCKERS WHO THINK THEY HAVE A FUCKING RIGHT TO JUDGE MY MOTHERFUCKING CHOICES, WHEN THEY DIDNT HAVE TO PISSING PUT UP WITH, OR LIVE WITH, THE FUCKING ARSEHOLE FOR ALL THESE YEARS!! Wow, I think I might sleep better after that 😂 might have to repeat that 100 times a day in my head.

Refuge is becoming more and more appealing, just can't believe I'm in this situation. I know the meeting is crazy and I think I've allowed her to sort it out because I just hate telling people I disagree. Promise il sort that out tomorrow and tell her I don't agree with it. Thanks xxxx