Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

You have not failed, no one here will judge you, you are not weak.

What you have done over the course of this thread is incredibly brave.

Never be afraid of sharing here. It's your safe space x

Keep on going, we are all behind you x

Not judging you. No head shaking here. You need to do what YOU need to do. Regarding him, and regarding advice you're given by other people.

Recognition and acceptance of that will stop your boundaries being influenced by him or us!

Anybody who shakes their head at decisions you've made because you feel they are the best decision for you is a patronising twonk.

I'm not going back, I've been very clear about that, and I've told him I need to set boundaries about how often he can be messaging me as it's ridiculous

Doesn't sound like you've weakened at all, to be honest. You sound rock solid.

Ok so people being nice to me is apparently an emotional trigger so I'm off again 😂😭. Gonna jump in the shower quickly and sort myself out. Already up and dressed but a hot shower seems to help most things doesn't it! Thanks as always for your lovely comments / support. X

Just wanted to say a huge well done to you Alm, you're very strong and brave.

Listen to Eckhart, she's very wise and has said all the things I would say too.

One day at a time, one step at a time.

I don't think you've gone 10 steps forward and 5 steps backwards, I think seeing him today and standing firm was incredibly strong and brave. If anything you've leapt another 10 steps forward !

It doesn't matter what anyone here thinks Alm, it's about what is best for you and your children.

Don't beat yourself up, you're doing brilliantly. Of course its better for everyone if you can handle things amicably - whether he is able to do that and continue to do so, only time will tell. In the meantime setting boundaries and expectations sounds like another very positive step on your part.

Probably emotional overwhelm due to not being used to having your feelings heard and respected.

I saw a counsellor almost every week for almost a year. Sobbed every time I walked in, sometimes even started on my way there, and carried on for 100% of every session. Must have driven her nuts. Cost her a fortune in tissues. Even got snot all down my jumper one time. What a little joy I was! Eventually I said to her that I would keep coming until I didn't cry any more. But it just got stupid!

He is playing on your codependency. It makes you feel like you are responsible for fixing his negative emotions.

You are successfully fighting off the urge to go back to fix his negative emotions about breaking up.

He will try to use more sources of negative emotions in the hope that those will pull you back to fix him.

If grandad doesn't do it expect a cancer scare or similar soon.

Remember he is allowed to feel bad about things in life. You can still be a good person and do nothing about it. His pain is not your pain. He may have trained you to feel like he is a voodoo doll where if he hurts you hurt but it is not true.

I feel like if he's messaging about the kids...me messaging back six hours later when I've decided to check a separate phone or whatever is a bit mean?

No. Not at all. Tell him you will check messages once a day when you have time to concentrate on them. Nothing mean in the slightest about that.

Delaying responses by a few hours is not being mean! Not even in the neighbourhood of mean.

Just read this thread & wanted to add my ‘congrats on being so brave & decisive’ to it! I felt sad & worried for you when reading your earlier messages about staying for a few months but here you are. Stay strong 💪🏼

@alm23x my dear, all this is absolutely to be expected, it’s going to feel very scary for a while, then it sinks in that you are in control and if getting messages from him makes you feel ill, then you choose to read then when you want to

You realise that you jump when YOU want to.

10 steps forward and 5 steps back for one ISNT actually accurate, because you’re moving forward all the time, but secondly even IF it were 10 steps forward and 5 steps back, you’ve still moved 5 steps forward from where you were.

Another 5 to be gained next time, and the next and the next.

Please call the 24 hr number, that’s what it’s there for.

Please post here too, we’re here to help, we’ve gone through a lot of this ourselves... AND HAVE COME OUT THE OTHER SIDE.

You’re not alone love, we are here and you have agencies in real life too that are there.

You're being very brave. Your temporary situation is certainly not the best, but it's not forever. Hopefully you'll soon have your own place and then you can start to move forward.

Feeling down and struggling is a necessary part of this. But you're on the road now, to freedom and to a happy life for you and your dc. You've done so well. Your dc will thank you for this one day, and will benefit from the good example that you're setting them, by not putting up with living in an abusive relationship.

Is there anywhere else you can go temperarily, even for just a couple of nights so you get a break from your mum and sd? A friends maybe, or an airbnb?

@alm23x

I've read all your posts, you've been so brave, and you have without doubt done the right thing. I donate monthly to both SSAFA and WA monthly so it's really good to hear they are helping you.

Can the school give you online access for DD school work? I thought all schools had set this up due to Covid self isolating.

First house application got declined. Second one I'm waiting to hear back from in the next hour. Been offered some temporary housing for two weeks maximum, my mum then asked what happens after the two weeks as that will then make me homeless. I said well I'd hope that after a two week break you might let me back here and she sat me down and basically said that I can't be here much longer in so many words. That she's not kicking me out by any means but her and SD are struggling and they think the kids are struggling as well which I know they are. She thinks that if I get declined this second house I should go back "home" aka the military housing and have an agreement that he stays at his mum's and doesn't come to the house. What's everyones thoughts on that? I don't know how that would affect my universal credit etc. Think I will talk to SSAfA about it. Head is fried x

What exactly is the temp housing?

I don't think you should or could go back. Have you spoken to the council housing department?

No definitely don't go back "home"

No way you return to the 'military house'. You can't make him stay at his Mum's and I strongly suspect he'll insist on coming back 'home' with you and the kids after a few days.

Wow - your Mum. I'm speechless. Still you now know you can't rely on her, so I would update the organisations you're in contact with, that your 'D' is basically giving you notice and ask if they can speed up the housing offers.

I wouldn't go back. He won't stay away.

Take the temporary housing and be a problem that needs solving for the relevant people. Otherwise the urgency to rehouse you drops.

Omg I'm actually speechless. I can't believe your mum is being so unsupportive. I'd take the temporary housing and then refuse to leave it until somewhere is found for you.
Please don't go back. It's a disaster waiting to happen plus in all honesty, it would probably be traumatic for the children to go back home just to be uprooted again. 😔

The temporary housing is at a local army base, a 20 minute walk even to the local shop. Two week maximum stay. Not ideal but would do to bridge a gap between here and a house..but the problem is getting a house within two weeks. Going to speak to SSAFA about what would happen if I returned 'home' and if they could help with advising him to stay away or what my options are really. Going to call now and go for a walk so my mum doesn't hear what I'm saying to them. All I know is in 20 years time when my children are all grown up, I will never allow my house to feel as cold and un-homely as this one does to me! They will always have a home with me.

Did you get offered space at a refuge a few days ago or have I got mixed up?

Your Mum is just... just... wow, jeez. She's meant to struggle with you and try to ease your burden, not turn you out.

She genuinely thinks that she is being supportive aswell, and I'm just going along with it all because it's not in my nature to do anything else! She thinks I should go back, he sees the kids at weekends, have Christmas at the old house (without him there obvs), kids back at school/nursery and then march on with houses and moving again in January.

once again... I am appalled at your Mother OP..

Eckhart, I did yes. 45 minute+ drive from here, and I don't drive, i think that needs to be last resort as I would be SO isolated and think that would be a bit traumatic for the children if I'm honest.

Sorry OP but your mum's attitude stinks.
I'm sure there's more to it with your SD pushing her but ultimately she's your mum and she should be 110% on your side and not even countenancing the idea that you would return to the home and abuse it's taken you such bravery to leave.
At least you know who she is, and she can't be relied upon.
I agree with PP, I don't think you need a plan for 2 weeks time now, a lot can be sorted out in the interim. 2 weeks is a long time, look how much you've done in 6 days!!!