Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

Good luck today OP :) Take things one step at a time. You're doing absolutely the right thing by not giving him all of the details of where you are getting help.

The 'remember the good times' comment takes me back! (As has most of this thread!) For my ex it was 'how can you be so heartless as to pretend none of the good times ever happened? proceeds to list examples of good times we had laughed together'

I thought at the time, 'God, he's right, all of those good times, all of the times he cooked/made me laugh/took me out - and here I am pretending that never happened!'

Looking back, of course, I realise what he was doing, and I also realise that was I was doing wasn't 'pretending' or 'forgetting' that the 'good times' had ever happened.

I just wasn't willing to pay the price of the bad times (for me that was hardly ever getting to see friends, having to give him money etc.) to get the good times any more.

In a healthy relationship, you don't have to suffer for things to be good. Sure, maybe you have to compromise sometimes (think having a partner who loves snooker and has it on for hours) but when you the term 'suffer' starts to becomes applicable (and not used in jest), you have to consider what it is you're compromising on - your freedom and rights as an individual should never be compromised. That is suffering. And it's not worth the 'good times'.

and that I wouldn't have stayed for ten years if I wasn't happy

My ex tried this. Telling me that I did this or that so I must have been happy.

er, arguing someone into staying by telling them they're wrong never works. You can't argue someone into happiness!

Will read your replies & reply when kids are asleep. Can't wait for them to go to sleep so I can have a little cry tonight! Holding it together for them is exhausting. X

Oh sweetheart you’re bound to have ups and downs, you wouldn’t be human otherwise. You’ve been so strong, achieved so much. Don’t reply to him, he just wants to wear you down. Spend the evening on yourself. Have a bath, have a cry. But remember this will be worth it for the bright future you will have once you get the separation sorted. And you deserve a bright, happy future..

Sending you a massive hug. Be gentle with yourself and give yourself time everyday to grieve xx

We are all still here OP, sending strength and willing you on.

Crying is good, let some emotion out.

Hope the viewings were ok

Didn't end up having that little cry as I fell asleep with them while I was putting them to bed lol! Thanks for your kind words everyone 💞 house viewings went really well. Both were liveable, am applying for one!! Just got to hope the landlord accepts the application and then it will move onto referencing etc x

So pleased they were nice, OP!!! Also sleep probably best thing for you.

Good luck OP!!!

His grandad has just had a heart attack and died...what the fuck!

Not your problem

Has he indeed Who told you?

Then offer your condolences to his mum or him or whatever you feel necessary that you are deeply sorry for their loss and leave it there. It’s very sad but it can’t be another reason to lure you back in, thank the lucky stars you left before this happened because this would be another guilt trip for the next 9-12 months to make you feel you couldn’t leave. Keep going OP your doing amazing xx

@alm23x

His grandad has just had a heart attack and died...what the fuck!

If he’s told you that himself you need to confirm with his mum. Whilst it’s truly awful and you should offer your heartfelt condolences, you should stay strong and don’t let him use this as a “feel sorry for me” tool - as he will most definitely do this.

@Cavagirl

Has he indeed Who told you?

This. Maybe it’s true. Maybe it’s not. But like you said earlier, there will ALWAYS be a reason you can’t move yet, or you couldn’t leave yet or you have to keep talking to him, or to “feel sorry” for him if you let yourself. Someone will no doubt be along shortly to tell you how something exactly like this was used against them by an abusive ex, because these patterns never change. Verify with his mum, and IF it’s true, tell her that you’re very sorry and that her and your ex will need to support each other as you are no longer in the picture.

@Sassysally12

Then offer your condolences to his mum or him or whatever you feel necessary that you are deeply sorry for their loss and leave it there. It’s very sad but it can’t be another reason to lure you back in, thank the lucky stars you left before this happened because this would be another guilt trip for the next 9-12 months to make you feel you couldn’t leave. Keep going OP your doing amazing xx

This. Really.

Stay strong, alm. Don't go back.

He will try and make it all your fault, but you need to stay away...

Bear in mind that since you left, none of his concerns have been about you. He's not worrying about your housing situation or trying to support you with money or sending you messages saying he hopes you're doing ok.

All of his concerns have been about him, how the break up affects him, how he feels, what you've done to him.

He doesn't take care of you when times are hard. He never has. Don't let him make you feel that you are obliged to take care of him. He's a grown man, and single. Let him take care of himself, and if he won't, he has a mother.

@Eckhart I couldn't have said it better

What Eckhart said.

If it's true, you can't be the person to help him deal with it. That's not your responsibility. You have big things of your own that you are juggling at the moment and you have to focus on that.

I'm glad the viewings went well - I really hope you get the house!

Absolutely @Eckhart, and the concerns are STILL about him now.

I wouldn’t be reacting to his text message directly

I’d contact his mother

Why? Because I can see it being a complete pile of bs.

Because I can see it being a complete pile of bs

Me too. I'm not sure how useful it will be to bother finding out if it's true or not. Alm already knows he's a lying, manipulative abuser, so it won't add much.

I s'pose it might affect the kids though.

If in doubt, do nowt perhaps? Leave any response for now and see what if any other info comes out of the woodwork.

If he has died, nothing can change that, and the kids have had a lot of upheaval recently so no need to give them anything more to deal with until absolutely necessary

@alm23x are the kids close to this great grandad?

Really struggling. I know you're all super strong in that there should be no contact and grey rock etc but I can't seem to do it. I feel like I'm right on the edge of a breakdown emotionally, just waiting on some counselling although ive been given a 24hr number should I feel I need it. Trying to keep it together for the kids, aswell as all the stress I'm feeling about living at my mum's, it's all just a bit much. SSAFA have said they are looking into possible temporary accommodation but that's unlikely I imagine. Just horrible putting the kids to bed on the airbed on the living room floor and then sitting on the sofa on my own next to the kids.. cos my DM & SD just head off to bed. I've got friends who I'm keeping in touch with and they're being brilliant but only so much I can put on them as they're all working in care homes with covid, family issues or whatever and everyone has their own stuff to deal with!

His grandad has definitely passed, i spoke to his dad (was his dad's dad) and sister and passed on my condolences. I met him this morning and I know you're all going to be shaking your heads right now but I felt like I needed to. I was empathetic after losing my own grandad last year. I kept the chat very basic and emotion-less on my part. We discussed the children, money, housing. He is sad but willing to be amicable. I can hear all of your heads shaking!! I am not getting hoovered in, I'm not going back, I've been very clear about that, and I've told him I need to set boundaries about how often he can be messaging me as it's ridiculous. I'm thinking of setting up a separate email until I can sort a SIM card out and he can then contact me via that. I understand we have a house together that needs packing up, sorting out, cleaning and handing back so I can't expect to only message him about the children. I know what he's done to me has been awful over the years, and that grey rock/no contact is what people advise, however it makes me feel more anxious for some reason. I feel like if he's messaging about the kids...me messaging back six hours later when I've decided to check a separate phone or whatever is a bit mean? Maybe I'm being weak, but while he's being amicable shouldn't I atleast reciprocate for the children's interest? You probably all think I've done 10 steps forward and 5 steps back

And to add as someone asked : no the kids aren't close to this great grandad. They only met him a handful of times, most recently about two months ago.