Social media stalking?

[alm23x]

Hi, it's my first post here so be kind!! Lol. Also still learning all the abbreviations so go easy on me with your replies 😂

Basically I'm just wondering how much interest your partners / SO's take in your social media posts - whether this be what you share, pictures, statuses, just in general?
For example - how many likes you get, how often you post, who likes your things, who follows you etc.

Wow UC did that? I'm actually really impressed.

The validation is a strange thing. Sometimes I still think someone will tell me I was unreasonable. One of my friends told me 'it's nothing worth ending a marriage over' and our friendship has never been the same.

I was worried I wouldn't have all my baby group friends any more as I was a single parent and did fit in so well any more. I was very wrong on that - they were the most supportive group and really downed tools to help me - they even got me a car to borrow until I could get my own.

Also if one of the kids is under 5 you can go to the children centre and they can help with charity grants for furniture etc

So amazed by your progress OP... delurking to say there is so much support here, MN comes into its own helping women get free of these awful relationships.

Honestly universal credit have been amazing. They have turned off all notifications on my profile so I won't be contacted about finding work for atleast 4 weeks, when they will call for an update. They booked in all my telephone appointments really quickly to get the application rolling faster. Couldn't fault them at all! Now just a waiting game because I won't get a payment from them until the 24th Dec! She told me about my local DA service, which I had already been referred to by SSAFA. I've just been blown away with how nice everyone has been to me!

Sometimes I still think someone will tell me I was unreasonable

The inner, invalidating voice never goes away altogether. In fact, even the most confident people have it.

It's about choosing wisely which feelings to act on, and which ones not to act on. If you think about it, a feeling is just a feeling. You could perceive that the sky was pink and white candy stripes and that dogs have wheels. It makes no difference to anything unless you validate it yourself

The day I realised I didn't have to listen to everything my mind told me was the day I grew up. Minds/feelings talk crap and good sense in varying degrees. We are all adept at not acting on our feelings, otherwise our lives wouldn't be functional and we'd just be lying down all day every day eating pizza and chocolate! But there's something in us when it comes to relationships, where we feel we should validate all our feelings (ie 'he says I'm rubbish and it makes me feel guilty, and I live my life validating that guilt response') when it's healthier to say 'I recognise that the all-day-pizza-desire/guilt-feeling-in-my-relationship is unhealthy for me, so I will endeavour to not respond to it'

Recognising which feelings to validate is more important than changing your behaviour, because, unless you are being physically abused, it's what goes on inside your head that matters.

@nevernotstruggling I've got a feeling I might lose a few friendships but I also know that this will strengthen some aswell because I'm already amazed at how my closest ones have rallied round for me. I'm glad you had a lot of support xxx

OP do not be influenced by anyone elses 'opinion' on what decisions you took... ie friends ...

You lived in your marriage for this long and you don't need anyone validating your situation.. only you have the power to do this... so if you lose friends then they were never really friends...

stay strong... you maybe need this quiet day to just breathe and relax 🌺

Thank you @eckhart, as always you speak so much sense xxx

You're so right bluethistles..nobody has had to live this only me xx

Really strange now...so his mum messaged saying she's heartbroken so I messaged her a long message - giving no examples or anything just basically saying that I know she is his main support system so I fully understand that she is backing him but that, politely, she didn't have to live with it and that I know the children will be happier out of a toxic home environment...here's the interesting part....she's replied saying "I will message you a bit later, but you have to promise that what I say is only between me and you..not even your mum". Now my head is racing! Part of me thinks she's gonna send me a message telling me I did the right thing and will always be there..part of me wonders whether she's going to tell me she's worried he's going to hurt himself. We shall see..

Do not make any promises to his Mother OP ... do not engage or trust her 🌺

Anyone wanna place a bet on what she's gonna say?

Have just replied "ok" that's not me promising, more acknowledging that she is going to message me soon. And I will definitely be keeping my mum in the loop regardless of what she says!

yes... she will beg you to return for his mental well being...

keep the manipulating messages though.. as evidence of what you have to endure 🌺

It will be interesting. She might surprise you! My ex’s mum was totally on my side. What you’ve said to her is absolutely polite and correct. If you feel at all uncomfortable with what she says tell her.

She told me she was going to delete the message that I had sent to her aswell. "you know why" she said. Seems he's probably asking her to show him any messages me and her have been sending (she's been messaging me about the children every so often)

Whatever she has to say can't be that important or she'd be telling you straight away, so if it's anything like 'I think he'll harm himself if you don't get back together', that'll say a lot about her.

She may validate you or have history to add, like 'His father treated me just the same'

She may invalidate you, and say she doesn't believe you/he tells the same stories as you but actually, he's the victim of your behaviour.

Whatever she has to say, it is just added drama. You don't need her validation, you certainly don't need he invalidation, and any history/information she can add to your story is irrelevant.

Your story is complete. Your partner was abusive, so you left, and are putting your pieces back together. That's your story. It doesn't include 'And then his mum said, and then my friend said, and then he said, and then my dad said...'.

@eckhart definitely, you're right about whatever she says not being relevent to my story and the outcome of all of this. I'm just very curious is all, as like you said...why couldn't she have said it straight away. We will see. But yes, regardless of whether she invalidates or validates - it's not really relevant. X

Is she scared of him?

Eckhart your posts are amazing but in this it reads to me like she -might- have something useful to say,something to cast another and perhaps helpful aspect, but she really doesn't want him to see it.

She may be busy or he may be at her house or on the phone to her or something. But who knows, it could be useful to alm practically or mentally

my guess is that he is there and checking her phone. So she is waiting until he is not around and can text and delete.
and that maybe she went through the same, but stayed. These behaviours dont come out of nowhere and she may be ashamed, in retrospect, that she has somehow created him as he is.

none of this is an excuse. And that would be my 'best scenario' guess. Also dont forget that she also has an interest, as will want to see her grandchildren, so she may know her son is likely to be the flakiest father in the world, and keeping good with you is her best bet.

However try not to dwell on it. It may be good, or could be part of a wider manipulation. Keep on keeping on with your stuff and keep on running stuff past your mum - nobody has the right to ask you to keep secrets, its up to you to balance whether you feel it is in your best interests to do so.

SeaEagleFeather, I wasn't suggesting that OP shouldn't listen to and evaluate what is said, just that it would be wise not to change the 'He's abusive to me so I'm leaving him' narrative. Perhaps I phrased it poorly.

Be strong, OP. Your husband seems to think he’s a master at gaslighting. You said you don’t care what anyone thinks but be aware that they probably don’t think anything he’s saying. I think he lied about your friends thinking you’re responsible for your marital problems, and I think he’s now lied about his mum thinking you’re “cold.” OR he’s the one who’s said those things and these people have just not responded to him/ changed the subject/ etc., and he’s taken that as agreement, which it isn’t. As many previous posters have said, don’t trust his mother; it sounds like perhaps she is relating everything you say back to him (maybe she feels pressured to but that’s not your problem!), so I would just say almost nothing to her. Look up the grey-rock technique.

OP, just as a heads up, when I broke up with my ex, I got a text from one of his friends saying he was going to kill himself and I needed to contact him (I'd blocked his number).

Turned out he had convinced his friend to let him borrow his phone. His friend didn't even know what was going on.

Not saying that has or will happen in this situation- just one to watch out for!

I've just read your thread and I just need to shout - WOW, YOU ARE AMAZING! You are brave, composed and kind - I bet you are the most brilliant Mum and your DD are going to be raised as sting, independent young women.
You've got this

*strong